-Mikasa had thought that joining the Survey Corps would keep them together, but they only seemed to be drifting apart.
I : Eren
"Eren."
No response.
"Eren!"
The dark-haired teen bit his lip and sighed, still spacing out.
"Eren!"
He finally turned, resting his head on one hand and looking up listlessly. "What is it, Mikasa?"
She eyed Eren suspiciously. "What's wrong with you?"
He chuckled half-heartedly. "A lot of things, if you believe half of what Jean says."
"Jean - has he been bothering you?" Mikasa slammed her palm on the table, vowing to find the tall squad member and talk (punch) some sense into him.
Eren leaned back in his rickety wooden chair. "You don't have to be so protective," he grumbled. "Jean didn't do anything."
Mikasa mumbled some incoherent phrase about "can't get into trouble" and "gotta look after you" before falling silent. Eren didn't attempt to continue the conversation. He was staring distantly at something only he could see.
It twisted Mikasa's cold heart to see him look this way - sitting right next to her but a million miles away. The ten-year-old boy who had run the streets of Zhiganshina with her was gone. It was like someone had ripped Eren's soul away from him over those past five years, bit by bit, until now, he was but a shell.
"Mikasa, am I a monster?" Eren's startling question broke the silence.
"O-of course not, Eren! What in the world. . .makes you think that?"
Eren didn't reply. He knew she already knew the answer.
"Was it the Corporal, Eren? Is he calling you - "
"I already told you, he's not bad. He beat me up that one time, and you find some way or another to hate him," Eren sighed.
"You were knocked out cold. He punched a tooth out."
"A tooth that regrew within minutes!" Eren touched a finger to the spot where his tooth had sprouted as a reminder.
Mikasa looked away from the boy sitting next to her. "Whatever."
Eren grabbed her wrist. "You were there when he saved my life! What do you have against him?"
Mikasa shook her head. "Nothing. He's saved my life as well. Broke his ankle for me, I could add." She said in a futile attempt to convince herself that she didn't hold a grudge.
But even as the door opened and the babble of voices quieted, she couldn't completely accept it.
Squad Levi. Even the name for the group of eight inside this room was named after the man standing at the door. Mikasa respected him, followed his orders like all the rest, but she wasn't swept up in the fervent admiration of Humanity's Strongest. Logic told her it was because Mikasa Ackerman was also amongst the very best of the Survey Corps, but her heart said otherwise.
"Eren." The Corporal sat down at the head of the table beside Eren.
"Yes, Corporal?" he replied, sitting up straight and losing all listlessness.
Mikasa scowled.
"What, Ackerman? Did I commit a crime by saying Eren's name?" Corporal Levi asked in nearly a monotone.
"No, Corporal. Please continue," Mikasa said submissively.
He narrowed his eyes at the quiet girl for a few seconds, contemplating some mysterious thought. Mikasa stayed rigid under his severe glare.
"We need to discuss that plan about Wall Maria," he said finally.
"Yes, of course."
Eren turned red, and Mikasa's frown deepened. The Corporal simply didn't know when to be tactful about Eren's failure.
"Hanji reports that further experiments about hardening your skin have been conducted."
He nodded. "They were unsuccessful," he mumbled, his face now flushed magenta.
Mikasa picked at her potatoes.
"Thanks to that, we now have no plan to seal the hole in Wall Maria," Corporal Levi said coldly.
"I know, Corporal. I tried."
Eren was drumming his fingers on the table, a clear sign to Mikasa that he was upset.
Mikasa was now stabbing her potatoes.
Corporal Levi glared at Eren through steely eyes. "Tried isn't enough."
Mikasa's potatoes were now mashed potatoes.
"Uh, Mikasa? If you're going to keep attacking your potatoes, can I have them?" Sasha's fingers were already reaching for her favorite food when Mikasa slapped them away.
"No, you little food maniac. Stay out of my dinner."
"Sheesh, you're in a good mood." Sasha grumbled, turning to Connie. Mikasa didn't mind - honestly, she was more caught up with Eren and Corporal Levi's discussion. He was speaking softly to Eren, in a voice not even Mikasa could hear. Eren nodded tensely, smiled half-heartedly, and turned to Mikasa.
"Mikasa?" he tapped her arm tentatively.
"Yes, Eren?" she replied, keeping a calm face.
"Um, Corporal Levi and I have to go see Hanji. He'd have the whole squad go, but it's top-secret and we need as few as possible.I'll be back by tomorrow morning, so. . . see you then?"
Eren shifted nervously. He knew how much this upset her. Mikasa could feel her own anger and fear like a muffled scream. She had long ago learned to bury her feelings, but that didn't mean they weren't there.
"Corporal Levi," Mikasa addressed the small man who was already getting up from the table.
He looked back at Mikasa with his signature indifferent face. "What?"
"If anything happens to Eren. . ." Mikasa tapped her 3DMG threateningly.
He stopped, turning to fully face the black-haired teenager. "Ackerman, what makes you think I cannot protect Eren?"
"I've protected Eren for six years. The one time I entrusted his life to you, you failed," Mikasa shot back at him.
The Corporal ignored Mikasa's scathing remark and whirled around abruptly. "We're leaving, Eren."
"Yes, Corporal." Eren paused, turning back to Mikasa one last time. "Bye, Mikasa! If you see Armin, tell him where I had to go, okay? I think he's out running errands with Jean. I'll miss you guys - I think Sasha's after your potatoes again, by the way. And keep the cabin clean, or else Corporal Levi will freak when we -"
The Corporal dragged Eren off by his collar, leaving Mikasa completely alone at the dinner table for the first time in six years.
II : Armin
"Armin."
He hurried over, leaving Jean with Connie to join her. "Yeah?"
"Eren's out with Corporal Levi on some business. Squad Leader Hanji's involved. He told me to tell you," Mikasa rattled off.
Armin made a face. "They're probably doing another crazy experiment on him. See how long it takes before he completely loses it, or something."
"They wouldn't make him lose control, though, would they?" Mikasa inquired anxiously.
"Doubtful. I don't think Corporal Levi really wants to kill humanity's only hope, if you know what I mean. . ." he attempted to crack a joke, face falling as he noticed Mikasa's unsmiling expression.
"I wouldn't put it past him," Mikasa growled.
Armin laughed nervously. "You aren't still mad at him, are you?"
Mikasa shrugged. "I don't hate him. I just don't like him, either."
"Is it because he's taking Eren away?"
Mikasa stiffened. Armin's sharp mind had hit the bull's-eye again. Armin studied her blank face and sighed heavily, leaning back against the cabin wall.
"Look, Mikasa, it's not you and me and Eren anymore. We're not kids running around without a care in the world. You don't have to protect Eren, you don't have to save me."
Mikasa opened her mouth to protest. She couldn't accept the fact that she was not needed anymore. Armin pressed on. Once you got him started, he wouldn't stop.
"Corporal Levi isn't like the Military Police. He was upset that he didn't protect Eren from Annie. And before you say that he never showed it, well, since when have you been expressing your emotions to the whole world?"
"That doesn't change the fact that he failed. And don't call her Annie. She's the Female Titan."
Armin's resolve crumbled for a split second, and Mikasa could almost see the memories of the stoic blonde flashing through his mind. When he finally continued, his voice was shaking slightly. "What I meant to say was, Eren's going to go places. His Titan Shifting is always going be experimented with. And we just have to accept it, y'know? Eren isn't. . .really one of us anymore." Armin's voice dropped to a whisper. The easy tears were already welling at the corners of his eyes.
"What are you saying, Armin?! No matter if he leaves, it's only for a short while, right? He's going to come back to us, and we'll eat dinner together, and talk about the outside world, and. . ." Mikasa trailed off, knowing her pointless rambling wouldn't get them anywhere. Armin was right, as always.
"I'm sorry," he said, and Mikasa almost thought he'd drop the subject and start talking about some new book. Then she saw the cold fire in his eyes and swallowed. She would have to listen to a whole rant of his before this would be over.
"It's not Eren that's going to leave us. It's you two who will leave me."
Mikasa could not manage a single word.
"Mikasa Ackerman, ranked first in the 104th Trainee Squad. Eren Jaeger, Titan Shifter. You will be. . .doing things, off saving humanity, and me? Armin Arlert, didn't place in the top ten. A decent strategist."
"You. . .decent? You're a phenomenal strategist," Mikasa complimented him blindly. Of course, it didn't work.
Armin smiled sadly. "Even if I was the world's best strategist, I would be chewing a pen in a safe room somewhere while you and Eren risk your lives for the future I dreamed up."
"You're not -"
"Face it, Mikasa, when the time comes, you will be a soldier, I will be a thinker, and Eren will be a Titan. There is no possible way that we will continue growing up together."
Mikasa struggled to keep her voice from breaking. It was hard to keep up her walls around Armin, whom she'd known for so long. "I thought - when we were all chosen for Squad Levi -"
"That in itself was a miracle." Armin stared off into the distance. "I. . .Mikasa, I didn't want it to end this way. I'm not expressing my wish here. There is nothing I want more than those secluded days of peace that we all dream of. But we are soldiers. If our paths split, then we walk our separate ways without looking back."
"Are you saying we should have never joined the Survey Corps?" Mikasa demanded.
Armin shook his head frantically. "No! We're alive here, at least."
He placed a hand on Mikasa's shoulder. "Look, I knew you'd take this badly, but I needed to say it. Please, don't hate me."
Mikasa jerked his hand away. "Armin, without you to save and without Eren to protect, what am I?"
"You are such a strong soldier! The whole squad looks up to you - I'm sure even the Corporal respects you," he comforted.
He was so desperate, trying to backpedal through the trap of words that were silently strangling his friend. Mikasa herself knew she was already lost.
"Why did I join the Survey Corps?" Mikasa answered her own question before Armin could respond. "To protect you and Eren."
"It doesn't matter!" Armin cried. "You've made new bonds here! Sasha, Jean, they're all your friends, aren't they?"
"What about the three friends who grew up in Zhiganshina together?"
The tears were threatening to spill over from Armin's sky blue eyes. "They're still friends. . .close friends. . .they just aren't the only three people in their universe anymore."
Mikasa stared at Armin, now crying freely. It struck her faintly, how odd it was that he was the one who was sobbing, as it was he who brought this devastating truth upon her. She could see Jean turning the corner, rushing down to Armin's side, asking what's wrong and Mikasa couldn't hear crying anymore and Jean was looking at her they'll catch up later and Mikasa agreed faintly. . . but why was Armin leaving? Was that tearful smile really his?
Mikasa could but stare after him, wondering if his farewell tonight was a farewell to the friendship that once bound three children together.
III : Mikasa
"Mikasa."
She was saying the word to herself, tasting every syllable on her tongue, Mi for me, the Mikasa that was her own and not Eren's, not Armin's. Ka, the sound of her ragged breaths, her sharp sobs - since when had she been crying? Sa, the first syllable of sayonara. Goodbye.
"Mikasa, Mikasa, Mikasa."
She couldn't stop herself. The girl who was always level-headed, who seldom let her emotion show, had shattered into a thousand glass pieces, each reflecting a distorted image of herself, her twisted perception. It was the middle of a hallway, empty though it was, but she felt like every cry, every strangled whisper of her name, was echoing through the cabin's wooden structure like a siren.
Mikasa is crying.
She couldn't feel anything but the tears soaking her skin, couldn't hear anything but her own wracked sobs, couldn't see anything but blurry outlines of doors and windows and walls. The scarf around her neck was suddenly a weight pulling her head to the ground. The simple sight of it sent waves of emotion roiling through her. She erupted in another wave of tears, cursing every pearly drop that fell from her cheek, soaking her clothes and shattering on the floor.
This world is merciless.
How many times had she repeated those words to herself, holding a dagger in trembling nine-year-old hands, fists slamming into Armin's bullies, saluting for the first time as a member of the Survey Corps? Death and destruction was what crushed everyone else. Mikasa had accepted it long ago.
But how had she failed to notice that this cruel world would tear her apart from her only solace? Every word of Armin's had been true. Eventually, they were going to fall apart. It didn't matter how many days, months, years it took. Mikasa couldn't accept this simple fact, one that the people terrified of death would embrace with ease.
"I don't need you to protect me anymore."
Eren had said that so often since Zhiganshina fell. Mikasa had always brushed it off as lies, convincing herself that as long as Eren was alive he would get into trouble, and Mikasa would be the one to save him.
It had never once entered her mind that there might be someone else who could do the same.
Her breathing had slowed and the tears had stopped falling. Suddenly dizzy, Mikasa leaned her head back against the wall, fingering the worn red fabric of the too-small scarf between her fingers. Crying was so exhausting. She couldn't understand how so many people managed to do it nearly every day.
Her mind was posing impossible questions, pleading for Eren and Armin to return. When can we go back to Zhiganshina? I want to live there again. Just the three of us, alone in the city.
Something told her Eren and Armin wouldn't allow that. There was too much they had to do here. They were soldiers. They had sworn their lives to aid humanity. But Mikasa couldn't understand. Maybe she wasn't a good person, at the bottom of it all. She didn't see how Eren could so passionately delve into battle, knowing that he may not emerge alive. Mikasa had sworn her life to humanity, but she had also sworn herself to protection.
They called her selfless, for being able to go so far for those she loved. In reality, it was selfishness. She couldn't let the two of them go, for fear that their death would leave her free-falling over an endless cliff all over again. Mikasa knew that, in the impossible event of Eren's death, Sasha and Jean and everyone else - maybe even Corporal Levi - would be there to catch her. But they did not know how heavy her heart was. Enough to weigh her whole body down, break through every pair of outstretched hands and keep plunging into darkness. These were the secrets Mikasa kept hidden from even herself, in fear of experiencing the very emotions she was going through right now. Raw fear and loss tore away at her like pointed teeth, ripping away at the fiber of her being.
Mikasa was nothing without Eren and Armin. She had always thought of them as Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, never one without the other two. Three conjoined souls. She had childishly held on to that belief, even as Eren began to go off with Corporal Levi more and more often and stop by to talk to Connie after dinner instead of meet Mikasa like he usually did. She had refused to believe the truth even as Armin began talking to Jean so often, training together every few days, playing games that Mikasa didn't like. She simply ignored the glances Jean sent her way and pretended that Eren, Armin and Mikasa were still one universe.
Had she always known that they weren't going to be together forever? Mikasa didn't know. She had perfected the art of hiding her feelings from others, but somewhere along the way she had hidden them from herself as well.
This is unrealistic, she told herself, trying to reorganize her mind. Why are you reacting like this? You're still best friends. You can save your friendship. It doesn't have to disappear over the years.
These comforting thoughts, these lies, were the only thing that kept Mikasa's mind straight in this time of disarray. She had always thought of herself as one to accept the truth, but in reality, she had been living a life of lies.
Mikasa closed her eyes and slumped against the wall.
She dreamt of Eren and Armin that night, like a slideshow of memories. Bright smiles and warm hugs. Enfolded in a particularly nice dream came a realization, slipped in between memories: Mikasa was still her own. She just had to find herself.
She woke up in the morning with the whole squad crowded around her. In the noise of anxious voices and sea of bobbing heads, her eyes found Eren and Armin.
Mikasa smiled.
Okay, so here I am, a new Attack on Titan author with this awkward little oneshot - also my first oneshot on here - and first off, I want to thank you if you're reading this. Second, a fun fact: Every section, not counting the titles, is 1,000 words long. That's just random. Third, please tell me any and all feedback you have. This is a new writing style for me, and I would love feedback. That's all.