I don't own PoT, Takeshi does. The stupid ideas and crude (and recycled) jokes and general bastardization are mine. I suppose this fits in the Onigiri timeline, hence the nicknames and relationships.
Also, the formatting for email URLs is buggier than a dunebuggy filled with bugs, so I had to tweak them so you could at least get some of the lame jokes. Sakuno has learned long ago never to never use a school-issued e-mail account for personal business. So did Ryoma. Kirihara wishes Niou hadn't hacked his email account to change his address name. Marui requested Niou to change his. Kintarou doesn't even know he HAS a school account.
For the interval between Valentine's Day and White Day, a love letter. From me to you.
Valentine's Day is for Sluts
Dear Ryuuzaki-san,
On behalf of all your senpai-tachi on the team, I want to thank you for all the pretty chocolates you sent. I know mine were delicious! I think you got two of your labels mixed up, though, because Kaidoh started to choke and sweat when he ate a sweet from his box. We all smelled habanero and Tabasco on his breath. Fuji switched with him.
We all really appreciate how cute the chocolates are. Eiji refuses to eat his because he can't stand to bite the heads off of cats and teddy bears. He just plays with them and makes them reenact scenes from the movies. I think he's doing Rashomon now.
I noticed that a box for Echizen wasn't in our stack. I hope he appreciates his extra-special treat. I hope White Day is favorable for you!
Yours,
Oishi-senpai
To: Onigiri (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Kin-chan (junglyboy. westisbest. net)
Subject: chocos
Onigiri-chan!
Thanks so much for the chocolates! I got them in the mail yesterday and I hid them so I wouldn't eat them all until Valentine's Day, but I forgot where I stashed them.
Can you send me some more? Please? All I'm getting is giri-choco. I'm very sad right now.
Hugs!
-Kin-chan! ! !
To: Sakusagi (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Akaya-kun (bakanori . rikkai. edu)
Subject: safe delivery
Saku-bunny,
We all got your chocolates and none of them were melted or cracked, so you didn't have to do all that worrying. And even if they were melted or damaged, I'd still eat them. They tasted great. Everyone likes theirs, but I know mine are the best. Thanks!
What are you doing in four weeks? Will you be working? Give me a call soon.
-Akaya
Dear Ryuuzaki-chan,
It took a while to find them in the bins because we get so many valentines every year, but after some digging we found your chocolates. Most of them weren't damaged, but poor Jirou-senpai's bag got a bit crushed. He cried himself into a nap this morning, but Atobe-buchou and I shared some of ours with him. It made him feel better.
How did you manage to put stringing in the shape of notes and staffs on my chocolates? I bet it was hard to do! I really like the one that had a violin on top. I wanted to save it because it was so pretty, but Gakuto-senpai ate it when I wasn't looking. By the way, I'm having a recital in two weeks. Would you like me to send you and your grandmother tickets?
Thank you again for the delicious chocolates,
Ohtori
Text from: Fuji-senpai
Sakuno-chan,
I'm in the nurse's office, in the bed next to Kaidoh. He's recovering well since he ate only one of my chocolates. I, on the other hand, ate four in a row. The nurse says I'm lucky that I don't need to go to the hospital for esophagus burns.
You how your senpai likes it. I look forward to reciprocating your devotion on White Day.
xoxoxo
Text from: Scaryman
Hey, Twerpette:
I know you think you're being cute, sending me a pack of cigarette cookies, but if I can't smoke 'em, then what's the point? I gave them to Sengoku and Dan. They liked them.
Thanks for the thought.
-Akutsu
Text from: Kin-chan
Onigiri-chan-
Think I remember where hid chocos. Going 2 look. Still send more? Luv chocos so much. Luv you too. Luv Koshimae. Luv Shirashi-buchou. Luv team. Is a day of LUV!
-Kin-chan! ! !
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku . umai . net)
From: HTCML (yurimang . hyotei. edu)
Dear Honored Donor Ryuuzaki Sakuno-san,
Thank you for your submission of eight (8) boxes of honmei-choco on today, February 14, to the Hyotei Tennis Club. The Hyotei Tennis Club appreciates all gifts and support from fans on this special day of affection and admiration.
The Hyotei Tennis Club, including our illustrious captain Keigo Atobe (Be Awed By His Prowess), samples most Valentine's gifts once they have passed inspection for poisons and narcotics. If your gift is well-received, you will be personally sent a rating of your confections and a thank you gift, one (1) team picture. If you receive a rating of HIGH, the picture will be autographed by a team Regular. If you receive a rating of SUPERIOR, the picture will be autographed by Atobe-buchou (BABHP) himself. A rating of ATOBE will make you eligible for membership in the Hyotei Tennis Fanclub, all perquisites included.
Every Valentine gift you donate contributes to the Hyotei Tennis Club's morale and helps them perform to the best of their abilities. Thank you for your support, Honored Donor.
Best Wishes,
Hyotei Tennis Club Management, Lily Division
To: Ryuuzaki (ryuuzasaku . umai . net)
From: Yuuta-kun (fujino1 . rudolph. edu )
Dear Ryuuzaki-chan,
Thank you for sending me chocolates. I'm sure they were delicious. I say 'were' because when I received them, I was stupid enough to put them in my locker for safekeeping. Mizuki-senpai does random searches of our lockers on Valentine's Day—he says it's to make sure the team is safe and no crazy fangirl sends us something illegal.
Well, he saw the package from you and he swore it was a plot. He said you didn't send them at all, but it was a trap set up by Aniki to destroy us all. He threw the package away in a dumpster.
Next year, just send them to my home address.
-Yuuta
To: Oku-chan (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Marui (sweetdude . rikkai. edu)
Wifey,
You made me petits-fours! Nobody else got petits-fours. I knew you loved me the best! Gonna rub it in Aka-chan's face right now.
XXXX
-Marui-kun
Text from: Kin-chan
Saku-giri!
Some1 done stole my chocos! I found where I hid chocos but when I went 2 the tree that has big knot in its trunk I reached in and all I found was dead bird. Very sad. Please send more.
-Kin-chan! ! !
Text from: Kawamura Sushi 2
Hi, Ryuuzaki-chan,
I made the delivery you requested. The crazy priest kept on asking me questions and tried to get me to stay, but I managed to outrun him. Keeping the racquet in the delivery truck was a great idea.
I saw your pot-de-crème for me in the kitchen fridge. Thanks for thinking of me. Have a good evening off.
-Taka-san
To: Saku-chan (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Ann-chan (tachibanaa. fudomine. edu)
Sakuno-chan,
Hey, thanks for sending me and Aniki the Valentine's treats. I hope you like yours, if they haven't arrived in the mail yet. Aniki and I both love petits fours, so we're saving them for dessert tonight.
Did your surprises go off without any trouble? I'm sure Ryoma will appreciate them. If he doesn't, I'll pound his face in for you.
-Ann
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: HTFML (yurimang. hyotei. edu)
Dear Member #20431 of Hyotei Tennis Fanclub, Rose Hip Division,
Your request opting out of your membership offer has been reviewed. After discussing your case with Atobe-buchou (BABHP), your request has been denied.
Attached at the bottom of this e-mail is a link to create and print out your official HTF membership card. It allows you to purchase any Atobe Corp. product at a 5% discount and first choice seating at all Hyotei-related events. As you are promoted into other divisions, you will be awarded more perquisites.
Welcome to the HTF! Clink on the second link below to see an introductory video featuring the team and Atobe-buchou himself.
Best Wishes,
Hyotei Tennis Fanclub Management, Lily Division
Text from: Kin-chan
Ryuuzaki-chan:
*ECSTACY *
Text from: Kin-chan
Wasn't me!
-Kin-chan!
Voice Mail Message from: Baa-chan
Sakuno,
I don't know where you are or why you're not answering your phone, but come home as soon as you can.
I came home early today and someone was in the house. I thought it was a burglar, but after I had knocked him unconscious it turned out to be that Niou brat. He was doing that creepy thing he does with his partner and was trying to dress up as me. He also had unwrapped the cake you made me, but he didn't get a chance to have a bite.
I've got him tied up in the living room. I'm not letting him go until you tell me what's going on.
Your friends are the worst.
Text from: Tomo-chan
SAKUNO
WHEN THE HELL DID YOU JOIN ATOBE'S FANCLUB?
AND WHY DIDN'T YOU GET RYOMA-SAMA ANYTHING SPECIAL?
(Thanks for the chocolates, by the way)
-TOMO
To: Onigiri (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Kin-chan (junglyboy. westisbest. net)
Shiraishi-buchou ate all my chocos! I told him over and over that they were mine and that they were going to be the best chocos in the world. He gets so much more choco than I do anyway, so why would he do that? I asked him, but all he did was do that ECSTACY thing.
Guess I'll have to come over there. That way I can see you AND Koshimae and get my replacement chocos!
See you soon!
-Kin-chan!
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku, umai. net)
From: Sanada (sanadag. rikkai. edu)
Ryuuzaki-san,
Once again, I must humbly apologize on behalf of my team for the inconvenience they have caused you and your family. Thank you for telling us where Niou is.
Yukimura and I will be taking the next bus into Tokyo to fetch him. I believe Yukimura has plans to make amends for Niou's foolishness while I haul him back. I only hope it goes some small way in repaying you for your trouble.
Regards,
Sanada Genichirou
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: HTFMT (tamang . hyotei. edu)
Dear Member #20431 of Hyotei Tennis Fanclub, Rose Hip Division,
Your resignation letter has been rejected. Please do not waste the review committee's valuable time again, or else disciplinary action shall be taken against you.
Hyotei Tennis Club Management, Thorn Apple Division
Voice message from: Baa-chan
Sakuno,
It's been an hour. Where are you? Are you lost? And why did a person wearing a Hyotei uniform come to our door and give me a packet addressed to you?
If you ever come back home, you're grounded.
Text from: Baa-chan
Sakuno,
You know what, I'm done with this. I'm sending Tezuka to get you.
Text from: Tezuka-Buchou
Ryuuzaki,
Normally I wouldn't do you any favors since you knocked both Kaidoh and Fuji out of commission. But because there haven't been any team fights today and I haven't been teased about the amount of Valentines I received this year, I'll go easy on you.
I know where you are and who is with you. I can give you twenty more minutes to wrap things up. Momoshiro , Eiji and the Trio are trying (operative word here) to follow me. I need to give them the runaround anyways.
Text from: Tezuka-Buchou
Also, in answer to your question you sent me earlier: Just talk to Atobe directly. I know you don't like it, but that's the only way to clear things up.
I know it's all very frustrating, but please don't e-mail or text when you're in the middle of a freak-out. You make a lot of typos when you cry.
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku. umai. net)
From: Atobe Keigo (kallistosbuchousama. hyotei. edu)
Ryuuzaki,
You have a lot of nerve, peasant, wanting to remove yourself from the illustrious roster of Ore-sama's fan club. Millions of other boys and girls would cut off their own noses to be in such proximity to Ore-sama's greatness, and you throw it back in their noseless faces. Are you not ashamed?
As it stands, however, Ore-sama is both munificent and merciful. You shall be stricken from the roster and the accompanying mailing list, contingent on the following:
You are to deliver one dessert for every team member to the tennis club clubhouse on the third Friday of each month until the end of the current school year. We prefer individual confections, but if you decide to make something that will easy feed eight, such as cake, Ore-sama will allow it.
Whenever Ore-sama so wishes it, you will deliver his personal tennis-match challenges to both Tezuka Kunimitsu and Sanada Genichirou, in-person and with the proper respect and ceremony. A formal kimono, cymbals, and confetti will be supplied.
Attend all of Ohtori's recitals for the rest of the term. Ore-sama and his teammates are the acme of cultural refinement, but even we can only stand so much fancy violin-work before it become tedious.
Ore-sama looks forward to your favorable reply.
Yours,
Atobe Keigo, Captain of the Hyotei Tennis Club
Text from: Tezuka-Buchou
Ryuuzaki,
You sold me out. Five minutes.
Voice Mail from: Akaya-kun
Saku-bunny,
So Yukimura-buchou just called and said your baa-chan's letting him take you both out to dinner?! That's just what he wants you to do! Don't believe him for a second! He once said he'd treat me to dinner to cheer me up after I lost a match and then the next thing I knew I was alone in a dark alley being chased by two Akitas.
See you next month.
To: Ryuuzaki Sakuno (ryuuzasaku . umai. net)
From: Echizen Ryoma (echizenr . biteme. net)
Subject: Supper
Ryuuzaki,
Thank you for the Ponta-infused chocolates. They were a bit too sweet, but I'm sure next time you'll do better.
Karupin really loves the fresh fish you had delivered for him. Thank you for that as well. He's eating it right now. I'll send you a picture.
And thank you for treating me to dinner. It would have been better if you weren't on the phone all the time.
-Echizen
Text from: NEVER ANSWER THIS NUMBER
Dear Ryuuzaki-chan,
You've already gone out to dinner? That's fine. I'm taking your charming grandmother out for tonkatsu and sake. Lots of sake.
Next month, I'll send you a love letter. Straight from my heart.
-Yukimura
Voice Message from: Baa-chan
Sakuno, I never said you could let that weird Shitenhouji kid stay the night! I don't care if he did come to the apartment with an overnight bag, a pillow, and episodes of your favorite anime shows!
Just give the kid some damn cookies or whatever and send him home! You better be in bed by the time I get back from dinner with this nice young man.
If you send out any Valentines to boys next year, I am going to murder you. I mean it this time.
Love you, sweetie.
END
Bonus Questions for extra points: 1. Yukimura's last line in his text is a paraphrase of a movie quote—can you guess which movie? 2. What is the moral of this story? 3. Will Sakuno ever be able to go on a date that doesn't suck or end up with someone getting seriously injured? (Answers: 1. Blue Velvet; 2. Valentine's Day is for suckers; 3. No.)