Jonathan had made Eric feel like a kid again.
He had always been the one to take care of Lily and Serena, when they couldn't even take care of themselves and sort out their lives. Eric had filed for divorce from five of Lily's six husbands, and made up with Serena's friends and boyfriends multiple times, while holding her hair when she threw up from drinking too much.
And he was sick and tired of it. For as far as he could remember, he had taken care of himself, along with the au pairs that his mother had hired to make her conscience clean for not being there for both him and Serena. And as soon as Serena had turned twelve, she had also been out, drinking and making out with everyone, just like his mother had done when she was younger.
Eric had always found that someone needed to hold things together. To take responsibility and make sure that everything didn't fall apart. And somehow, along the way, he had taken that responsibility on him and grown up, unlike both Serena and Lily.
And when he had slit his wrists, he had finally let that responsibility and only thought of himself and of his own needs. He had just let go.
That was the first time they ever noticed him. All of sudden, everyone was ever so concerned and worried about him, and he got visits from Lily and Serena, both crying every time they saw him. He knew they were just trying to escape from their bad conscience and reassured them that he was okay, somehow.
Asher had come along, and he was good at making Eric forget and lose his boundaries. He made Eric feel like he really cared about him, and Eric managed to push away the thoughts of doubt. He ignored the whole Jenny ordeal, and fooled himself to believe that it was only because Asher needed time, to adjust to the whole being gay thing. It was hard to come out of the closet, Eric knew.
But everything escalated, and Eric decided that he didn't want to be screwed over anymore, and outed Asher. Because it was the worst revenge he could think of, and in that minute, it felt good.
After that, he was broken. Again. He found himself in an empty apartment (like so many times before) with a knife in hand. Once his arm was bleeding and the red lines across his arm throbbing, Eric just sat and stared at the knife in hand. Chuck had burst into his room, a little drunk like always, and pushed him down on his bed, planting sloppy kisses on his neck and telling him that he loved him, before falling asleep over Eric like a warm blanket.
In the morning, Chuck had apologized, his eyes still glassy and left the room where Eric, for the first time, was thankful to Chuck. He didn't know that he had saved his life that night.
Chuck later returned, and it became many nights, where they not only would fall asleep, a little drunk and warm against each other, but also where Eric would spill out his thoughts and secrets to Chuck, because, well, Chuck was a great listener and Eric needed someone. They played video games and drinking games and Chuck told Eric everything about Blair. Eric felt alive.
But soon, Chuck was playing games with Blair, and only had time to spend time with the youngest van der Woodsen once in a while. Chuck tried, he really did, but Blair was demanding and needed attention.
He ran into Jonathan, to one of those stupid social gatherings. He has pretty eyes, and makes you feel comfortable, even with everyone whispering about the youngest gay, suicidal van der Woodsen kid. Somehow, Jonathan ends up with his phone number (he later learns that Chuck gave it to him), and calls him one dark night, when Eric is considering taking a cab to a 24 hour store and buying a razorblade.
They spend time together, and Jonathan somehow manages to convince Eric to give love a second chance. He erases the little shame over being gay that Asher left in him and repairs his heart. Jonathan takes him places and shows him life and they watch Star Wars in Eric's room while holding hands, and drink coffee and Jonathan meets his family. It's perfect.
Eric has a perfect first time, and Jonathan is sweet and slow and considerate and almost too good to be true, planting small kisses everywhere and giving him a hickey. When he sees Eric's scar he only kisses it and licks Eric's lips, like it's nothing.
Jonathan makes Eric feel like he's more than the suicidal gay van der Woodsen kid. Like he doesn't need to take care of Lily and Serena and just be fifteen and in love. Even though it's with a boy.
For the first time in his life, Eric feels that his life is going in the right direction and that everything is going to be okay. Chuck also gave him this feeling, but Chuck is fucked up too, and Blair is fixing him. Jonathan is good.
That's why Eric forgives him when he learns that Jonathan cheated on him. Because it has to be a mistake, an accident. Jonathan wouldn't hurt him on purpose. Eric fools himself and kisses Jonathan sweetly, before they have makeup-sex.
He's sick of Jenny, because she only shows him the side of himself that he doesn't like; the Upper East Side. The one that can manipulate and fool others. The side he was born with, that every Upper East Side kid has in his or hers genes. He just wants to rescue Jenny, because she makes him feel bad, whenever she's gossiping and asking him for his help to bring someone down. And he just wants to save her from herself. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into.
It all goes horribly wrong. Jenny manages, once again, to make him feel bad. He felt good with Jonathan, like he was a good person, and he could forget all of his Upper East Side genes and the gossip and the way people screw each other over.
Jonathan dumps him, and Eric nearly smirks when he says that he has lost himself, because Jonathan doesn't know that this is just the other side of him, the ugly side. Jonathan just hasn't seen that, and Eric doesn't understand why Jonathan is scared away, because he grew up in the same place.
Eric ends up alone again, unhappy. He feels bad, really bad and calls Chuck to have him come over. Chuck does, and they play video games all night, drunk and drunk-happy, while Chuck keeps calling Jonathan an ass and asks Eric if he please can't have someone to beat Jonathan up. Eric refuses, but laughs, because this is Chuck's way of loving someone.