I would like to post this as a sad example of what happens when bitten by plot bunnies and excess of sugar form Halloween…
I couldn't help it… sob…
Title: The Chair
Warning: pure Crack Vongola Style
When the ceremonies, killing attempts, and misty proud gazes that commemorated the official nomination of the Decimo Vongola came to pass, and when they finally managed to transport-threaten-kidnap- every guardian to Italy it came the 'get to know you new cage-office-house' time.
Tsuna stared at the monstrosity that consisted of his office; with wide open windows and heavy furniture that seemed to be worth more than his house in Japan; each of them, and delicate antiques here and ther. Then, he stared at the heavy, wide and very intimidating desk that seemed just taken out of a mafia movie. But everything seemed a little bereft, there was something missing...
"Your chair." Whispered an amused little voice at his ear and he stared at his personal tormenter as he appeared dressed as a butler.
"HIEEEE! Reborn stop Reading my mind!"
"Can't do, your mind is so simple that is practically impossible not to read it." He jumped and kicked his head in a practiced fashion. "In fact it makes me have headaches."
"You are the one giving me headaches Reborn!"
"Anyway, now we come at an important time in every boss life, it's time to make a decision that can, maybe, shape your future."
"Are you going to start sputtering lies again?" He muttered in irritation and just ducked when a bullet grazed his ear. "Do you want me to make you sputter blood?"
He stared wide eyed at the little evil maniac and shook his head. "As I was saying it has come the time when you have to make a decision for your future… and you better choose well dame-Tsuna because if you not…" His imagination finished the treath with endless torture and humiliation and his mouth went dry.
"It has come the time! To fulfill one of the most sacred traditions in the Family, To choose…. THE CHAIR!" Small fireworks appeared behind him as an enthusiastic Bianchi threw confetti around and clapped in enthusiasm.
"I have been wondering this for a while… where do you get this stupid traditions from?" Muttered Tsuna and took out a heavy volume that had been given to him in the ceremony, all four thousand seventy eight pages of Vongola traditions and regulations.
"Page two hundred seventy five, section two on office etiquette and regulations." Said Reborn and Tsuna flipped the very heavy tome in search of the tradition.
"….curtains, on using letter openers as mortal weapons… secret compartments for weapons… how to hide secret passages… ah! On choosing the boss chair... what?" Tsuna stared at the entry and started to turn the pages, dread starting to grew as he passed twenty pages and the rules still continued to droll about materials and patterns of fabric.
"What the hell? 'It is expressly forbidden to use any kind of pastel color, flower patterns, small animals patterns, stars, or any of the mentioned in appendix 2345-B…' " He trailed and stared in mounting horror as Reborn started to amiably punch a series of numbers in his phone, he noted with increasingly nervousness how it was the speed dial to his guardians …
"Wait! No! we can resolve this between us!" He tried to stop the baby but he only received another kick which he defended against with the manual. And wasn't it a damn useful book!
"Too late Dame-Tsuna you should have read the manual by now!"
"You gave it to me two days ago!"
"Juudaime! Is it true? The moment has come?" Gokudera was in his smart glasses and dragging with him a series of portfolios and fabric catalogs along with charts and what seemed like photo-albums. "I have been prepared for this time since three years ago!"
Tsuna eyed the window with yearning when Gokudera started to drone about the quality of a fabric from some remote island in some lost country and about metal appliances."
"Sawada! I have arrived!"
"Oni-san! Stop! Wait don…" An ominous crash signaled that in his enthusiasm, Ryohei had forgotten, again, to open the door before barging in. "Sawada! I received a letter from master Pao-Pao he said that if I helped you choosing an EXTREME Couch you would become my boxing partner!"
"It's a chair you idiot! Not a couch!"
At the words boxing partner, his survival instinct gained the fight against his caution and Tsuna launched himself to the window in a rare demonstration of agility and precision, he was sailing through the air, his freedom was just a few meters away! A heavy weight appeared in his ankle and he crashed in the floor with a painful sound. He turned around and saw in dread how his foot was connected by a sturdy chain to the heavy desk. Trapped! He was trapped!
"Kufufufu…Tsunayoshi Sawada, Is it true?" Said one of the voices that always, always made him want dig a deep, deep hole and hide. "Mukuro! Wha… Why? Weren't you in Russia?"
"Kufufufu.. The Arcobaleno Called, he said that if I helped you to choosing a chair he would give me your soul."
Tsuna remembered an old movie when a poor fool exchanged his soul for a favor from the devil, he seemed to be that poor fool. "Reborn! Stop selling my soul to Mukuro!"
"I do whatever I want with my possessions Dame-Tsuna" Said the Hitman while perusing one of the catalogs of Gokudera's collection.
"It's MY soul."
"No, it isn't, you signed it over a year ago.. How do you feel about cheetah skin?" Reborn tossed him a copy of a contract in which stated the selling of his soul in exchange of… "Oooh that time…yes sorry I suppressed the memory… That's not the point!"
" Yes you're right too tacky… perhaps a nice tiger…"
"I don't want to sit on a dead animal!"
"Sawada what you need to look for is the strength of the materials! That's why I brought this to test their strength!" Said Ryohei and took out of nowhere wide, sturdy looking, tree trunks and aligned them.
"WAIT! ONI-SAN NOT IN HERE!"
"EXTREME CANON!" a shower of wood bits and splinter attacked the ocupants of the room and Tsuna tugged at the chain in a vain attempt to escape.
"Aghh You damn lawn-head My charts!
"Is everybody ok?"
"THEY'RE EXTREEEMELY WEAK! I will go for ANOTHER ONE!" Said the sun guardian and ran out of the room in search for new testing materials.
"Kufufu. Tsunayoshi what about this…" Said Mukuro and with a wave of his magic wan…I mean trident, Tsuna found himself seated in a wide imposing chair made of bones and what seemed like some kind of black rock and it moved in…
"WAAAA Why Is it moving?"
"It's a chair made of the bones and souls of those who lost their lives to the mafia" cackled Mukuro as ghostly hands appeared and trapped Tsuna in the contraption; who was rapidly changing colors in a way that would make Leon feel very proud. "You will hear the screams of pain, and your wi- AggggH"
Reborn knocked out Mukuro with the Big book of traditions and regulations of the Vongola. And the chair dissolved in the floor leaving behind a whimpering Tsuna. "I should have known that this idiot would have no taste."
He clapped once and Bianchi took the bleeding and unconscious Mukuro out the room.
"Haha, sorry I was late, I was at the other side of the mansion training with Squalo, what are we playing at?"
"You idiot! How dare you to come late to this very important time? Have you no sense? Juudaime is finally choosing his chair!" Screamed a fuming Gokudera who was defending his remaining catalogs with his life. "Look Juudaime, isn't this nice? Is Italian leather with mahogany, It just screams authority!"
"VOOOOOIIIIII! I heard Sawada was choosing his chair? The boss sends this as a gift!" Said- screamed Squalo and tossed a chair in the room, and then left. It was black and simple, and seemed quite proper for a boss chair.
Tsuna approached the chair with undisguised curiosity, actually, it was really nice. It surely wouldn't hurt to try it? "Wait Juudaime!" Said his storm guardian and Tsuna stopped his hand from reaching to the comfy looking chair. Gokudera took out a plastic dummy, the kind used in car-trials and tossed it in the chair, all the eyes watched the trajectory of the doll until it landed in the seat.
The fate and the various… misfortunes of Mr. Trial Dummy #278, were deleted from this script since it was dubbed inappropriate and gag inducing and therefore not apt for the preserving of sanity. It was bad, and it left a new, deep scar in little Tsuna's mind, who only stared at the charred remains of melting plastic, leather and wood in the middle of the floor.
Reborn stared impassively at the remains, and Gokudera continued to retch in the waste bin. "Such a shame it was good leather… Perhaps something similar in wine red?"
"Sawada! The guys in the research team gave me this! It looks EXTREEEME!" Screamed a barely out of breath Ryohei who was carrying metal and rock blocks and seemed VERY enthusiastic as he started aligning them again.
"N-n! Oni-San NO PLEASE… NO…..REBORN LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIN!" Screamed Tsuna, tugging in increasing hysteria at the unyielding chain. He watched as if in slow motion as Ryohei prepared his hit and Gokudera tried to stop him by throwing around his dynamites… Yamamoto was smiling in amusement and started arranging the blocks more neatly for his sempai.
"I was sleeping herbivores, I'm going to bite you all to death!" Hissed the voice of Hibari who had already his tonfas out and ready, his eyes alight with irritation and a desire of vengeance.
"REBOOOORN!"
In the south wing of the Vongola Mansion, the Decimo commissioned a team of sturdy no-nonsense, battle trained, female designers team, to rebuilt the remains of his office and to choose his chair, and ripped off the twenty five pages of the manual concerning the choosing of the boss-chair.
The end.
Please blame the sugar providers not its victim –me-.