The Ferengi Problem
The following took place aboard the USS Committed on Stardate 46552.5. Starfleet Intelligence believes that this is an encounter with the same Borg Cube that captured a Ferengi merchant vessel near Outpost 929.
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"Captain," a startled ensign said. "We're detecting an unknown vessel, heading: 185 mark 75."
The security officer interrupted: "Captain, it's a Borg Cube on an intercept course!"
"Raise shields!" the captain sounded the alert. "All hands to battle stations!"
"Sir," the com officer said. "We're being hailed!
The captain smoothed down his uniform and stood. "On screen."
The view was of a space deep inside the cube, a labyrinthine network of machinery and corridors that glowed in a most disturbing manner. Then the hive mind of the Borg spoke as one pulsating mechanical voice assembled from many:
"Human crew of the Starship USS Committed. Lower your shields so that we may show you our fine selection of goods and services."
"W... what?" captain stuttered. "You want to..."
"To resist our low low prices would be futile. We have a sale on Raelian tactical poultry: 25% off. Buy 2 medicinal tentacle monkeys from Oodibu Prime and get one robotic love slave thrown in free. We also offer an excellent line of ancient Earth Snuggies..."
The captain's eyes narrowed. "This is an outrage! You're insane if you think I'm going to fall for this trickery!"
"Captain," the hive mind continued. "You seem particularly irritable today- could you be experiencing Low-T? Have you not been feeling like your old self? Has your sex drive not been strong lately? We will send Merchant 489 with a complimentary sample."
There was a sudden rumble and the whole ship shuddered. The security officer tapped the control panel furiously. "Captain, they're hitting us with some sort of beam... primary shields failing! Trying to compensate..."
A single Borg materialized on deck. It turned toward the captain and held out a tube of ointment.
"Apply three times daily." The half mechanical man twitched. "Warning: should Starfleet experience an erection lasting longer than Stardate 46553.7 seek medical help immediately."
"What?"
Ocular implants buzzed and the Borg tilted its head. "Customer suffers hearing loss- must inform customer that for three easy payments of gold-pressed latinum we can outfit the entire crew with superior hearing implants."
"Out!" the captain demanded. "Out!"
"Hey..." the young ensign leaned close to the Borg. "So, how much were those love slaves again?"
The captain grabbed the ointment from the Borg's hand. "Ensign! Control yourself and get back to work!"
"Yes sir." The frustrated young man grumbled. "Wouldn't hurt to ask..."