Warning: Strong language, dark humor, cynicism. But, hell, you're probably expecting that!

Note: All Black Lagoon 'verse characters have speech patterns based on the English dub. Sunohara's English has improved, but not by much (he's based on the Japanese dub). Still, when Lagoon company characters do show up in this fic, at the very least Youhei won't be completely incomprehensible.

Occupational Hazards

1. A Raccoon in a Cage

This day just wasn't going well.

"Sunohara, this is the third time I've gotten a report from the police. It sounds like you ran over some lady's dog and managed to take down a telephone pole. Tell me, why do I keep you around?"

"For comic relief?"

I wish I wasn't such a smartass.

Yeah, my name's Sunohara, Sunohara Youhei. I just got a job as a taxi driver after spending months looking for one. Most of the people I knew from high school either had jobs or went on to higher studies. Since I don't have the money or the grades to do either, I was stuck job hunting. Unlike one of my friends, Okazaki Tomoya, I didn't get this job easily. I had to slave away to get a license and work even harder just to keep it.

And now, because of some stupid pothole on the ground that busted my tire, I lost my job.

Either that or the comment I gave my boss, I really don't know.

Anyway, you can imagine what happened next. I got fired and I had to find another job. But who would hire me? It was a Saturday, 5PM. Most places were just about to close and they sure as hell didn't want anyone to show up begging them for a spot. I was going to have to walk home and mope around for the rest of the day... If I couldn't find a job in the next week, my rent would be overdue.

So here I am, walking along the street and minding my own business, when all of a sudden some car comes careening down the street, and guns start firing. Like any sane person, I duck behind some boxes. Sure, they won't cover me if a bullet goes through them, but at least I can stay hidden. I'm sure as hell not gonna get myself involved with something like this!

I hear a few shouts, and as I peek over the boxes I see three or four guys collapse on the ground. There's blood everywhere, and there's a flash as another guy starts firing, coming from the direction where those men fell. They're all wearing shady suits, and some kind of Yakuza-esque getup. Am I seriously watching a gang war take place?

The last guy has some kind of automatic rifle, so he's firing and firing, a grin on his face as he probably thinks he can avenge the guys who fell, but then there's a shot to the head and he's down. A few other people start moving into view, these guys are wearing similar clothes but have a grey patch on their right shoulders. As I'm watching them from their right, I see them move ahead, making both sides pretty obvious from where I'm standing.

Then one of those guys turns, and he spots me.

For a second, time froze. All my brain could come up with was: "Oh, crap." I didn't try to run, and didn't try to duck as fast as I can... I just stared, and so did he.

"Someone's spotted us!" I hear him yell. Hell, they've already exchanged gunshots already. If there's anyone nearby they'd know something was up. No point in being subtle.

I turn and run, scampering as fast as I can, and I hear gunshots. More gunshots and more yells. A bullet grazes my shoulder. I'm hit, but my heart's beating so fast that it doesn't register. I have to get out of here, have to stay alive... I can't get myself killed in something stupid like this!

I hear more shots. I instinctively dodge and run off through the streets and alleys. They definitely wouldn't cause more of a ruckus, right? The cops would come and scare them off.

I was wrong.

I turned a corner and ran head first into a group of three of these mobsters, each carrying a minigun of some kind. They fire, but somehow none of the bullets hit me. I just run blindly and I hear a few of the bullets hit metal and brick. Somehow I'm still alive...

I keep on running, but I finally stop and freeze. Standing before me is some hotshot with a desert eagle, and a pair of goons with machine guns by his side.

"He just won't die!" Someone yells from behind me, and the rest of the goons show up.

I was cornered.

The guy was obviously a Yakuza boss. He had a gold chain, the stylish sunglasses, and he even carried that stereotypical "Chicago gangster" hat. Geez, it would have been a funny sight had I not had at least twenty guns pointed at me.

"You do know what happens from here on out, don't ya', kid?"

I gulp and nod.

"But I like your style... Those other fools thought they could get in my way, and now they're gone. It looks as though you've got some divine luck. Not a single bullet from my men took you out."

I nodded again. The pain in my shoulder began to flare up, but if I moved I'd probably see grandpa right then and there.

"So I'd like to make you an offer. You don't plan to be a snitch, do you?" He took off his sunglasses and eyed me closely. Those brown orbs seemed to burn, and I almost flinched.

I nodded frantically.

"You wanna join?"

I wasn't stupid enough to look away. I also knew that the moment I opened my mouth to anyone other than a member of this gang I'd be dead, so I decided to just nod. I had nothing left to lose. I lost my job. I was about to lose my place. I had barely anything of value back at my place, and by the looks of it this "business" seemed pretty lucrative.

I wonder why he didn't just kill me beforehand? It would save him some breath.

"Great. Get him a bandage and a pistol. I'm sure you'll like being a decoy. Welcome to the family."

Geez... How would I ever get out of this alive?

People say that it's easy to lose that disturbed feeling after seeing horrible things around you again and again. In the past I'd ignore people's advice and do my own thing. After all, they weren't the ones who determined my life, I was. I was a person who kept his uniqueness even after everyone around me surrendered to a life of boredom and sorrow, keeping themselves blinded by unrequited love and the identical cogs of the societal machine. I was my own man, so I didn't have to care.

Oh, how stupid I was.

Turns out, most people were right. I'd found myself caught like a raccoon in a cage, having just lost everything I cared about and getting trapped in an "offer" that I couldn't refuse. These goons needed a meatshield who "just wouldn't die," and if I ran away or leaked a word of info I'd get shot, so I was their perfect tool. I fell from someone who kept his identity till the end to a faceless goon who'd probably die in a week or two.

Oh, Lord, just stop laughing and kill me already, you bastard.

My first assignment wasn't too hard. They gave me a pistol and expected me to draw some attention away from some security guards while they stole some precious stones from a museum. I have no idea why "organized crime" like this would do the same petty junk that so-called crooks do in movies, but who was I to complain? I had one or two guys with me, but I was the one taking orders, and frankly they were pretty low on the pecking order, too. The three of us were cannon fodder, and we couldn't do a thing about it.

But like I said, it wasn't hard. One of my teammates opened fire once we got our signal, though the lights the main group used nearly blinded me and surely risked the operation. For all their hype, it seemed that the Boss really did need me after all. Only someone like me could see through the flaws in their plans.

Anyway, so the light shines, a few shots ring out, and boom, we take down a guard. His buddy starts shooting back, as any guard would, and so it's three men against one. I could have sworn I saw the red flash of a radio's on-light, and heard him mumble some gibberish. He was calling for backup, and if we didn't take care of them we'd all be dead men.

So I popped out from the cover of night and whatever thing we were hiding behind and fired like a madman at the guard. I mean, honestly, if it was a choice between me dying, and me having to kill someone for the first time, what the hell do you think I'd do? It's not like I planned it, no, and my gun just wouldn't stop shaking, but I pulled it off. After firing like four or five times the guard finally went down, and I think that most of my bullets missed... Thank god, at least I didn't become a murderer that easily.

My other two partners just stared at me. One of them even nodded. "Good job, kid." Who the hell was a kid here? They weren't that much older than me! But anyway, with that guard dead more came, and as I hid behind a parked car my buddies took care of them. I killed one man today. Did they expect me to do it again like some monster? I sure as hell wasn't no monster... I did it because I'd get shot otherwise... I swear, it's not like I enjoyed it!... Really!

I killed a man that day. I killed a man and even as my partners patted me on the back I couldn't smile. How could I? I was forced into joining these bastards, and they made me do the very thing a regular, good, decent person in a decent society wouldn't do. I killed a man, and they were proud of me.

So proud, in fact, that they gave me the worst job possible for someone like me.

They sent me to Roanapur.