Author's Note: The song enclosed is an original and may not be used without my express written consent.
Diana was filled with a rush of excitement as the moment she had been anticipating finally arrived.
Today, she and William were going to find out the sex of their second child. At twenty weeks along, she was happy to be halfway through her pregnancy. She shared a kiss with her husband as they climbed into the car and Held hands on the drive there. She looked down at her stomach and rubbed it, wondering about the small life growing inside of her. As they pulled into the parking lot, she felt joy fill her body as she got out. She shared a look with her husband, and he was thrilled to see the sparkling gleam in her eye.
Sitting in the waiting room was the ultimate torment for Diana. Her thirst for knowledge in general was unquenchable but the hunger to know this was voracious. When the nurse called for her, she practically leapt from her chair. William followed behind her, smiling. Seeing her happy was one of the greatest joys of his life.
She changed into scrubs and laid down on the bed, cringing when the cold ultrasound goo made contact with her bare skin. She stared at the screen, happy to see her baby on the screen. Her smile faded, However, when she saw the ultrasound technician's face.
"Is something wrong?" She asked, nervously.
The technician punched a few more keys before turning to them.
"I don't see a heartbeat."
It took Diana a moment to process the statement. Even so, all she could utter was a shocked "what?"
"The baby's gone. I'm so sorry for your loss." She said quietly. She politely left the room to let the couple have a moment of privacy. Diana looked at her husband, who stared at her, heart breaking through his eyes. He was lost in the pools of blue that were her eyes. They were full of confusion and sorrow as the full impact of what was happening hit her.
"Our baby is gone." It was a breathy whisper, filled with pain. He held her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"I'm so sorry, honey. I have no idea what you must be feeling."
Diana felt hot tears ooze down her cheeks as the realization of how badly she'd been cheated washed over her. She sobbed quietly and leaned into William's chest. He held onto her- it was all he could think to do. He kept his own emotions locked inside, and kept his focus on helping his wife. For a long while, the only sound that pierced the silence were Diana's sobs. When she finally found the strength to get up on her feet and head to the car, she looked worse than William had ever seen her. Her complexion was sallow. Her normally bright blue eyes had becme pools of despair. She walked to the car haunched in on herself, looking so weak where she had once been strong. He had no idea what to do or say. He drove them back home, watching his wife use a tissue to dry her tears out of the corner of his eye.
Silence blanketed their drive home. It was only broken when they pulled into the driveway. Diana turned to her husband and asked him point blank: "What are we going to tell Spencer?"
William winced. He hadn't thought about that.
"I don't know." He murmured. Diana got out of the car, sniffing and shaking. William raced around to the other side of the car and helped her into the house. He settled her on the couch and handed her her journal and a pen, knowing that she would want to write. She began to pen a song about how she felt.
"I never wanted very much
I always kept my feelings to myself
But I always wanted to feel your touch
To know I never will is my personal hell
I never got to hold you
Or wipe your tears away
There's so much I wanted to teach you
But now I don't know what to say
I loved you more than anything
I wanted to watch you grow
But now my heart is breaking because
You're the child I'll never know
But I will never stop loving you
For all my life and more
You're still my child and I will carry you
Now and evermore
The pain I feel inside my chest
May be the only way that I can heal
Because no matter how much I want to rest
The pain is the only way I knew you were real.
I loved you more than anything
I wanted to watch you grow
But now my heart is breaking because
You're the child I'll never know
But I will never stop loving you
For all my life and more
You're still my child and I will carry you
Now and evermore
I wish that I could know you
So I could show you all I can
But I still believe you're watching over me
And this is somehow part of God's plan
I loved you more than anything
I wanted to watch you grow
But now my heart is breaking because
You're the child I'll never know
But I will never stop loving you
For all my life and more
You're still my child and I will carry you
Now and evermore
I will never stop loving you
For all my life and more."
Her vision was blurred with unshed tears and a few landed on the page. She set down her pen and cradled her stomach in her hands. It was so strange to think that the baby inside of her was no longer alive. It broke her heart. But she shut her journal and stood up. William was beside her almost instantaneously.
"Spencer needs to hear what happened." Her voice was filled with a mixture of disappointment and resolve. William nodded, knowing that this would be one of the hardest things he or his wife had ever done.
The drive to Virginia's FBI office was long and wrought with sadness. Occasionally they remembered to talk, but mostly there was quiet. When they arrived, Diana felt her heart breaking inside of her, but refused to lose her composure. After being screened for weapons, Diana and William were taken to their son. As they got closer to him, Diana squeezed her husband's hand. Unconsciously, her other hand flew to her stomach for just a moment before she remembered and pretended to smooth out her dress.
Spencer was surprised to see his parents standing in front of the conference room doors, and excused himself to see them. He was particularly alarmed considering they interrupted his work and hadn't called first. It had to be something important. He hugged them both but immediately felt like something was off. And his instincts never failed him.
"Is everything okay?" He asked, cautiously. His parents shared a look before William stepped forward.
"Your mother and I have something to tell you." He looked at Diana and she nodded.
"Sit down, Spencer." She said. The tone in her voice sent a chill down his spine, but he obeyed. Diana took in a shaky breath.
"I went to the doctors today. You know we were going to find out the sex of the baby. When we had the ultrasound done, the technician..." She took in another breath. "She couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby died."
"Oh." Spencer felt shock hit him as he looked up at his mother. The very clear heartbreak on her face rammed the truth of it home. He wasn't sure what to say, but knew he had to say something. Diana started to cry again as she hid her face in her husband's chest. William just held onto her as he gave a saddened look to their son.
"I'm sorry." It was the only thought that broke through his surprise. Internally, he panicked over the severe emotional trauma that the experience entailed. How would it effect his mother's condition? The fear made his throat constrict. Diana looked at her son, desolate.
"I'm so sorry, Spencer." She sobbed. The daunting feeling of failure filled her body. For the first time she felt the weight of the situation crash onto her shoulders. Her son, as always put everything into perspective.
"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong." It was the truth, but Diana wasn't ready to accept it yet.
"Because I failed." The answer was so simple but her words were full of regret. Before he could interject, the floodgates had opened. "I tried so hard to do everything right. To eat well, stop the medications that might harm the baby, and to stay fit. I prayed for everything to be okay, and for this baby to be healthy. And Despite all of it, the baby died. And it's my fault."
"It's not your fault." William and Spencer chorused. They shared a look before looking at Diana. "You did everything you could." William pointed out. Diana sighed. She appreciated the sentiment but it still didn't ease her guilty conscience. Spencer gave his mother a hug.
"I know you did everything right. And I'm not mad. I'm just worried about you."
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." Diana insisted, even though she knew she was lying to herself. Spencer and William knew it too, but wisely kept their mouths shut. William and Diana went back home, and Diana wandered toward the back of the house, pulling the family bible off of it's designated place in one of their bookshelves.
Although she was a professor of English literature, she maintained a firm faith in God. She didn't consider herself a particularly religious person. She wasn't one to attend church regularly or read the bible often, but she did have a relationship with God, and that was enough.
She shut the bedroom door and opened the book to 2 Samuel, to the story of King David, who took Bathsheba as his bride after making sure her husband Uriah was killed in battle. The Lord was angered by this and spoke to David through Nathan and told him that the son she would bear him would perish. David prayed and fasted, but the outcome was as The Lord spoke, and on the seventh day, his son died. Once he was certain that the child had died, David got up, ate, and made funeral arrangements for his son. When his servants asked him why his attitude had shifted so suddenly, he replied that there was nothing else he could do anymore.
She supposed that was where she was at now. There was nothing else she could do. Her baby had died inside of her. Now she had to deliver it and make funeral arrangements. She didn't want this passing to go unnoticed. Now all there was to do was wait.
The next few days crept by extraordinarily slowly. Diana treasured every moment she had with her baby while it was inside of her. They were some of the most spiritually valuable days of her life. She spent much of her time writing, reading the bible, and praying. The rest of her time was spent in delusion. William took a few days off of work to be with his wife during her time of bereavement.
Four long days later, Diana's contractions began. As the pain rocked her body, there was an extraordinary clarity in her mind. No delusion would take her today. When the baby finally came, Diana took a long look at the daughter she had lost. Her features were absolutely perfect, her tiny hands and feet so small, but still so beautiful. She cried as she looked at the tiny girl that she hadn't gotten the chance to know. Her husband stood beside her, staring into her face, wishing that things could have been different. As he held her, Diana took several pictures of her. She didn't want to forget one single detail of her child's face. When she had calmed herself down enough, she named her baby, and began to write a letter to her stillborn daughter.
The funeral arrangements were done more quickly than Diana had anticipated. When the day finally came, she put on her best black dress and clutched the letter she had written some time before to her chest. It was going to be a hard day, but she knew she would be okay. Spencer had taken the day off from work to attend the service and sat with his parents in the front center pew. The service began with a hymn, and a short thanks from the pastor to those who attended the service. After a few readings from the bible and a sermon from the pastor, the time Diana had been anticipating finally came. She got up and bravely made her way to the pulpit. She took in a deep breath, and then began to read.
"My Darling Daughter,
I wanted to write this letter to you so that you know how loved you are. From the moment I found out I was expecting you, you have brought me unspeakable joy. The love that Daddy and I have for you is too much to describe. You were loved from the first moment of your life, and will be loved far beyond your last.
I have spent much of my life struggling with fantasy and reality. Living with delusion is never easy, but it does make very clear the difference between real life, and what is conjured up by your mind. Knowing that difference has been remarkably helpful with this. The fantasy of a perfect family was tempered with the reality of your passing. There are days when I pray that that too is a fantasy, but I know it isn't because the crippling pain in my heart from that knowledge is too real to ignore.
Despite the pain that not having you here causes me, I'm not sad for you. You were born into the arms of a loving God who will look after you until I see you again. He will use this trial to make me stronger. His love will sustain me through this difficult time in my life, and will help to remind me of his faithfulness to me. I gave you the name Kayla Rebecca because it means "pure and beloved servant of God".
When you first passed away, I wondered if I had done something to cause it. Did I not do something I should have? Did I do something I shouldn't have? I didn't know. But slowly, I realized that there was nothing I could have done to stop this. I don't know why you were taken from me so soon, but that's okay. Because I loved and still love you with everything I have while you were here with us, and that's enough for me.
There will always be things that I'll miss about you. Not getting to know you as a person or getting to watch you grow. But more than that are all the things I'll miss doing with you. I'll miss rocking you to sleep in my arms, reading you stories before bed, teaching you how to bake a cake, buying your first prom dress, or helping you dress for your wedding. I will miss you every moment of every day for the rest of my life. I know your father and brother will, too.
There is so much of life that is spent in the past or the future. Most people find it very difficult to live in the present. I have spent much of the few days I still carried you inside of me living in both the past and future- remembering losing you and wondering how it would change me in the future. It is said that "There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world", and I believe that's true. You have touched and helped shape my life more than I could have ever anticipated. Although losing you devastated me, it taught me to appreciate every moment I have with our family.
To the daughter I once hoped to teach, thank you for teaching me these things. They were lessons I needed to learn. Perhaps that was the reason for your short time on this earth. In any event, I'm grateful that I got to carry you- even if it was just for a little while. You are loved, Kayla. And I miss you very much.
Love,
Mommy."
Diana wiped the tears from her face and returned to her seat, where her husband and son were both crying, clearly touched by her words.
After a closing hymn, they all filed into the close garden behind the church so that they could bury the tiny body. Diana, William, and Spencer each put a shovel full of dirt over the tiny box, before handing it back to the appropriate party, who finished burying the casket. A ray of sunshine caught Diana's eye and she looked up to see a beautiful rainbow in the sky. She smiled. She just knew it was a sign that her baby was okay. She stood between her husband and son and smiled at them both before leading them back to the car so that they could go home.