"All creatures look to you to give them their food at the proper time.

When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.

When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust." Psalm 104:29

"I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD." Psalm 104:33

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." Acts 17:25

"That in the winter, seeing a tree stripped of its leaves, and considering that within a little time, the leaves would be renewed, and after that the flowers and fruit appear, he received a high view of the Providence and Power of GOD, which has never since been effaced from his soul. That this view had perfectly set him loose from the world, and kindled in him such a love for GOD, that he could not tell whether it had increased in above forty years that he had lived since." -Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

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It has been noticed by many, especially earlier times, that creation sings the glories of God. (Ps 19:1) Some of the ancient writers had seen this and what they observed in the created world drew their hearts into a deep fellowship with God. Brother Lawrence in the year 1666 expresses this in something as unbeautiful as a barren tree. He was a man that was clumsy and having a heavy understanding of his sin and his faults, he resigned himself to give up his life, with all its pleasures, to God. However, he did not find that God was as willing to remove all of his pleasures. Instead, to Brother Lawerence's surprise, God offered him the divine pleasure of Himself. The barren tree found that in a short time, it would bear fruit and have joy in place of his sorrow. The details of this discovery can be found in the first conversation of The Practice of the Presence of God.

So too, we look into the world God has created, and we search for meaning for the suffering we experience; a reason for the fear, the despair, the striving, and ignorance that we all suffer in life. Many of us find ourselves as the barren tree found in that book. This devotion is for the broken-hearted, for the suffering, for the fearful and the despairing.

For many who are not in the throes of pain, the words of this devotion will seem academic much like C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain. But for those that are there or have been there, you will hear the cries of a fellow brother familiar with suffering like C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed. For my brothers and sisters in suffering. This is for you, with love and sympathy.

The Quiet Voice of God within the Shouts of Suffering

A meditation on the First Conversation with Brother Lawrence from The Practice of the Presence of God

Brother Lawrence found God in a barren tree; Moses in a burning bush; Elijah in a still small voice, and Jonah in the belly of a whale. David details over and and over in the Psalms how he saw God's handiwork all around him (Psalm 104). But I very rarely look close enough to see God's fingerprints. In the midst of pain, do I look at the hills, the trees, or the heavens above? And if I do, it may only be to throw rocks at heaven and cry out why? (an experience I am familiar with) That heaven only looks back, silent and cold. Where is the God that condescended to become a man? Would he condescend again into my trials and rescue me from my pain? Perhaps that is the wrong question. I mean to challenge myself with this thinking.

The question is not why will not God save me from my struggles, but rather, why are there not more. The question pains me. Brother Lawrence came to the same conclusion when he said, "That as for the miseries and sins he heard of daily in the world, he was so far from wondering at them that, on the contrary, he was surprised that there were not more, considering the malice sinners were capable of."

At once I must move past trying to remove my struggles from life, and to seek the only pleasure worth giving my life for. I am reminded of Christ's teaching. "Whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it." Matt 10:39

To be honest, I rarely look at a barren tree and see the love of God, or to the stars to hear them declaring the glory of God. I see a tree, a creation yes, but a tree. Is my mind not creative enough to see beyond the veil of this world, and into the true substance of eternity? Or does it not please God for me to meet Him there? So my soul cries out, meet with me. Who have I in heaven but you? You have broken me. The things in this life that I have loved more than you are being peeled away, until I finally and painfully start to seek you. Then where are you?

"When you hide your face, they are terrified." Ps 104:29. Isn't that true? And so if I am afraid, I am because it is what is left of me after you have hidden your face. Still where else can I go, for you alone hold the words of life. I breathe in and out in tears. Please meet with me, do not leave me alone. I breathe in and out. Worries surround me and press down on me. I breathe. It is all I can do. Then the words come. The beautiful voice speaks.

"Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." Acts 17:25.

I am breathing. "In him we live and move and have our being." Act 17:28. I am alive. I inhale again, feeling the wind enter my lungs, and with it the hand of God giving me one more breath. His mighty but gentle hand rests on me. He is with me, giving me the strength to breathe one more time. And then more grace; another breath. It is such a small thing, but it is everything. The God of the universe condescends to dwell with me. I breathe in and out again, finding the immeasurable joy of my savior; the savior that has not left me alone in my pain. The infinite dwelling with the limited; giving strength to the weak. Even if it just the strength to take one more breath. My soul praises the Lord, who has not abandoned me.

I breathe in. Teardrops fall. I breathe out.

I wash his feet with my tears.

So welcome to my devotional life. I hope you have found it edifying. I will work through the second conversation in the next few days. If you are interested in my fiction, you may enjoy The Count and the Convict which is a character study on The Count of Monte Cristo and Jean Valjean. It is a philosophical narrative about the tension between justice and mercy and is a good read for those interested in the spiritual life.