Nobody ever questioned his silence; no that there was a need to, of course, but at least someone would have considered acknowledging him. Nobody ever did: no one ever wanted to, and he was fine with that. He didn't care. He didn't want anyone to care, either. He felt like he bothered everyone by simply existing.

He couldn't say anything, fearing that he'd be called out and accused of being attention-seeking. He felt like his heart was slowly breaking until he couldn't take the pain anymore.

His attempt was late at night while everyone was asleep. Everyone except the person who he loved the most. But he wasn't loved back and it hurt.

Murdoc was doing his normal strolling of the building when he heard a crash coming from 2D's bedroom. Figuring he'd simply fallen and was unable to move, he walked down and opened the door. "2D?" he questioned, but there was no answer. No sign that he was alive, so Murdoc had no choice but to search around the small room.

He found a notebook lying next to 2D, but wasted no time in grabbing the notebook and carrying 2D up the stairs and into the Geep, where he was laid in the backseat. Murdoc quickly drove to the hospital, fearing the worst, but as he sat waiting for any news, he began to read the notebook. He knew it was an invasion of privacy, but he didn't care. There had to have been something explaining to completely random attempt.

The first page was filled with so many words that Murdoc had a hard time reading it.

I'm so broken that I can feel it. I mean physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body. I'm so fucking tired of pretending that everything is okay. You don't realize how lonely you are until it's the end of the day and you have so many things to say but no one to say them to. I'm used to it, though. I'm used to hurting. It's my fault for loving someone who will never love me back.

Murdoc turned the page, only to see more words on the back.

I'm struggling to hide how truly damaged it am. I'm struggling to hide my feelings. I'll get fucked over no matter what I do, so I'm left to suffer. You've stabbed me in the chest and it hurts like hell but I can't escape it. I can't escape you and I'm trapped. You've trapped me, made me think you actually cared, but you never did, did you? I love you but you don't love me. You don't need me. Nobody does, but you not needing me hurts the worst. I trusted you to make me happy, but you ruined it for me. How can I trust you when you lie to me? Some nights I can't sleep because of you.

You've made me feel like shit and I always forgive you because I'm in love with you. It's one-sided, though, so it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.

I remember one night when I was upset and you came into my room and held me, but you shouldn't have. I didn't deserve it. You'd finished shagging some bird with a breast size that was too big for her figure. Do you know what jealousy feels like? It feels like someone stabbing you in the chest and twisting the knife. You've never been jealous of anyone, have you? If you have, have you been so hurt that it makes you sick? That it makes you cry yourself to sleep? Because when you'd come into my room, I'd been crying. You asked me why I was crying, but I ignored you. I wanted you to leave me to cry alone.

I can't tell you any of this because you'll reject me. You'll call me a poof, so I'm not going to tell you. And if you ever happen to find this notebook, I will burn it because it's filled with thing you should never see. Yes, I'm gay. I'm going to be killed for it if anyone finds out. Well, Noodle knows, and she didn't kill me. Funny thing is, she said she'd known all along. She was proud of me for being brave enough to do such a thing.

She didn't laugh at me, but you did. You called me the worst name in the world and I just laughed it off. I didn't say anything because the same thing that happens every time I try to speak up about something would happen again. You never let me say things when it comes to my feelings, and it hurts, so fucking much. But you're Murdoc Niccals: you don't care about anyone other than yourself unless it benefits you.

Yeah, that's right. I called you out on it. Though, if you do happen to be reading this, isn't it obvious? Isn't it obvious that I love you, or are you too oblivious to notice? You don't notice when I wake up screaming your name, even though you're not that far away. You are too busy shagging random women or blasting your music too loudly.

You don't notice that you are the reason for me being in constant agony because you're too selfish to notice. You don't care about me. No one does. Russel stays because of Noodle, and Noodle stays only because she has nowhere to go. I'm forced to stay. I'm usually your punching bag and I have no idea why.

I'm sorry I brought it up. I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment. You should burn this while you still can.

Murdoc was confused: How could he have not seen that 2D was breaking right in front of his very eyes? There was a week where they didn't finish practice because 2D had found an excuse to leave the studio every single day. 2D had specifically found a way to remove himself from the room after even taking one look at Murdoc. Despite being told to burn the notebook, Murdoc continued to read, but wished he hadn't.

I'm begging. Begging for mercy. Please Murdoc, stop making me feel like this. Let me leave. I can't take it anymore. Get out of my head. Get out of my fucking head. You don't love me. I'm on my knees, begging you to at least feel something. I want you to feel how I feel. I want you to feel the heartbreak I'm feeling. I want you to realize that I have feelings too. What am I doing wrong? Why do you hate me so much?

There was a decent amount of blood and tears staining the paper. This was his own fault and he was scared to read more of it, in fear of what he might witness.

I had a dream last night. I'm insane and mentally ill, so these dreams have been reoccurring, not that they're important anyways. Basically, I'm falling and there's no ground to fall on. So I just keep falling and falling until I fall into an ocean. I begin to drown, and you're there. I beg for you to save me, but you don't and I drown. But it continues. I fall to Hell and you're there as well. But you set me on fire and watch me burn alive, laughing.

I don't know how to stop them and even as I cry myself to sleep, the dream is still there and I wake up sweating.

Sometimes, I leave my room and walk around Kong, just to think. I get a glass of water, use the toilet, then go back to my room and sleep.

The nightmares are worse. They begin happy: we're together and I've actually begun eating again because I'm the happiest person on earth. But the happiness doesn't last. You quite literally rip my heart out and I watch as you crush it. You laugh as you do it, and watch as I die. I feel like they both mean something.

You know, there are times when I think about killing myself. Maybe then you'll realize that I can't stand the fact that you don't love me back. There are times when I'm laughing or smiling, but I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and my lungs are being crushed.

We used to smoke and drink together, but now I can't be in the same room as you without crying. It hurts me because you're my best friend, and I'm so helplessly in love with you that I can't do any of that anymore. We can't go on drives alone anymore and you can't randomly kiss me, then brush it off as nothing.

I want to hang out again, I really do. But we can't since I can't even be in the same room as you. I want so badly for you to tell me that everything's alright and that you feel the same way, but you won't and you don't.

Before, it was just some small crush. You made me feel light and nervous, but it was just that – a crush. Crushes aren't bad. It was when you'd drunkenly said that you liked someone that my crush turned into more than just a stupid crush. I fell in love with you and it's been that way for three years straight. Imagine having to live that long knowing you love someone and they don't feel the same way.

I haven't eaten in days. I don't feel the need to. Maybe if I'm thin you'll stop hating me. I still drink water and I ate a piece of bread a few days ago, but other than that I've eaten nothing. I've gotten sick more often but nothing comes up other than clear shit. It's annoying.

But maybe my "experiment" isn't working. You still hate me. What am I doing wrong?

A drawing of a frowny face with tears and blood had been placed directly under, along with a heart that was clearly broken into pieces.

"I'm looking for a Murdoc Niccals," a voice called out and he stood up, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Ah, yes. Your friend has been asking for you," the doctor stated and Murdoc nodded, following him.

They entered the room and he saw 2D tense up as Murdoc began to walk towards him. "Why did you save me? Why didn't you let me die? I'm so fucking miserable," he said, and froze when he saw the notebook. Murdoc pulled a chair up and put the notebook on the floor.

"I can't explain to you how sorry I am. I'm such an idiot. You were hurting and I was too stupid to notice. I'm so fucking sorry for everything and I don't deserve to be forgiven," he said. 2D was afraid to speak. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and make Murdoc leave.

"Do you remember what I said to you three years ago, about me liking someone?" Murdoc asked and 2D nodded. "I– I think so. I wrote it in a journal so I wouldn't forget," he said and Murdoc grabbed his hand, lacing his fingers through 2D's own. "Well, I was talking about you. Ever since I'd seen you stand up after the last crash, I'd liked you. You were – and still are – the prettiest human being to ever exist," he said.

2D was doubtful, not knowing whether or not he was telling the truth. Murdoc had tormented him without knowing and made 2D feel like he was suffering.

Murdoc noticed a few things about 2D's appearance: for one, he could clearly see his ribs. He was also pale and crossed his arms, almost like he was hiding something. His hair didn't look as smooth as it usually did and his lips were dry. The skin on his hands were equally as dry and flaky.

"'D, how long have you gone without eating?" Murdoc asked and 2D shrugged. "Maybe four weeks? I don't know. I remember one time after a week or two of not eating, I woke up with a bad stomachache and an even worse migraine. And there was nothing I could do, so I waited until it went away and took about five painkillers and went upstairs. I went on with my day and no one noticed that I kept stumbling. Well, you did. You also assumed I was just extremely hungover and said nothing. Nobody said anything. By the third week, the hunger pains were worse, but I had to do it to be thin."

At this point, there were tears in his eyes and he looked away from Murdoc. He let out a breath. "I had to do it because I was alone. I felt alone and seeing you bring home one bird after another accentuated the feeling of loneliness. Do you know what it feels like to be alone even though you live with other people? Do you know what it feels like to be alone when the person you're in love with is ignoring the fact that you're getting worse? I hate the feeling and I want it to stop," 2D said, holding out his arms and removing the bandages. There were both old and fresh signs of self-harm, but Murdoc chose to say nothing. The bandages were wrapped again and 2D sighed.

Then Murdoc kissed him. 2D didn't know what to do, so he didn't do anything. He stayed completely still, hoping for the kiss to be over. He'd wanted it to happen for so long, so he didn't know why he hadn't kissed back. Maybe he was scared that it wouldn't change things; that Murdoc would go back to acting the same way he always had.

As if Murdoc had read his mind, he pulled away and smiled. "I'm never going to leave you. I know you probably don't believe me, but I do keep my promises and I promise to never leave you, no matter what. Trust me," he said and 2D hesitated before nodding.

"Yeah, okay. I trust you," he said. "And you have every right to leave and never contact me again if I break that promise. I won't get pissed off at you," Murdoc said and 2D nodded, this time bringing his lips to Murdoc's on his own.

oOo

extra!!

It had been three months since 2D had attempted suicide. He'd been held for further observation for a week before being allowed to leave.

Murdoc had encouraged him to eat something and eventually, he was up to a decen weight. His self-harm has ceased, but was still going on. Murdoc was fine with it, and helped, knowing that it's not easy to stop.

They'd been together for the time since and Murdoc hadn't broken his promise.

When they were alone – almost always – they would hang out in Murdoc's Winnebago, drunk off their asses, and laugh until either one or both of them fell asleep. And sometimes, 2D would play piano and sing, which was Murdoc's favourite thing in the world. And Murdoc would play his bass as 2D was cuddled into his side, falling asleep.

He was finally happy.