Note: This was written for the quote prompt: "Some days it feels more like a hostage negotiation with a band of drunken pirates than actual parenting" for the CS Hiatus Challenge on Tumblr. Hope you enjoy it! ~Steph
…Little Terrors: Part 1/1…
"I don't want to wear shoes!" 4 year old Liam declared with a stomp of his foot, his brown hair flying every which way as he shook his head.
Emma sighed, as she tried to grab his wiggling feet and force the sneakers on.
"Why not?" she asked.
"They make my feet hot."
"Well, we're going to Granny's for your Uncle Neal's birthday. No shoes, no shirt, no service."
"I'm wearing a shirt," he said with a pout.
"Then you're halfway there," Emma said, as she finally managed to get his sneakers on.
Just then, 2 year old Ella came running into the living room, naked from the waist down.
"No diaper!" she screamed, her blonde curls waving around her head as she shook it.
Emma squeezed her eyes closed. "Killian!" she called.
Her husband appeared a moment later, Ella's pull-up in his hand. Emma gestured to their daughter.
"Care to explain?"
He shrugged. "I tried, love. She wouldn't let me put it on. I can't say I blame her. I too prefer to go sans undergarments."
"But at least you wear pants to conceal that fact," she said.
Emma took the diaper from him. "I'll try. Go get Eva in her bedroom."
Killian headed upstairs and found their 6 year old daughter sitting on her bed with a pout on her face.
"Come on, love. It's time to go."
"I'm not going," she declared glumly.
"And why not?"
"I feel weird today."
"You feel ill?"
"No, I feel weird."
"I haven't a bloody clue what that means."
"It means I don't feel like going to Uncle Neal's birthday party."
Killian sighed heavily, as he sat beside his daughter on the bed. He brushed her blonde hair behind her ear. "But, love, there will be cake at the festivities. You adore cake."
"What kind of cake?"
"I don't know."
"Carrot cake?" she asked, scrunching up her nose. "I hate carrot cake."
He sighed again. "I don't know what kind of cake, but Neal loves chocolate, so I'd say there's a fair chance of it being chocolate. Chocolate is your favorite."
"I don't like chocolate," she said with a shake of her head.
"Since when?" he asked, his eyebrows darting upwards.
"Since yesterday."
"What happened yesterday?"
"I told you. I stopped liking chocolate."
Killian groaned and ran his hand down his face. "Bloody hell."
He stood up and gestured at her to do the same. "Up. March yourself downstairs, lass. You're going."
Eva moaned dramatically and then stood up, stomping out of the room and down the stairs. Killian arrived back in the living room to find his wife with all three children. Ella had her pull-up on and was now wearing a skirt.
Killian smiled at Emma. "Ah, looks like we're making progress, love. Perhaps we'll be ready to leave by next week."
Emma laughed and then groaned when she looked down at Liam's feet.
"What happened to your other shoe, kid?"
"I lost it," he said with a shrug.
"You had it five minutes ago. It was on your foot. How did you manage to lose it in five minutes?"
"I dunno," he said with a shrug.
Emma blew out a frustrated breath. "Go back to your room and put on another pair of sneakers."
Liam scampered off, just as Eva dropped to the ground dramatically, her arms and legs spread out on the rug.
"What's wrong with her?" Emma asked, turning to her husband.
Killian shrugged and attempted to make air quotes with his hand and hook. "In her words, she's feeling weird today."
"What does that mean?"
"How the devil should I know? Apparently, it makes it so she doesn't want to attend the party."
"Well, that's not an option," Emma said. "Get up, Eva," she ordered.
Eva didn't move a muscle. Killian bent down to pick up his daughter, but she was dead weight and he couldn't get her to budge.
"Bloody hell, it's as if she weighs more than a barrel of rum," he said.
Emma chuckled. "Yeah, that's a special kind of kid skill right there."
Just then, Liam appeared back in the living room.
"Ready!" he announced.
Emma looked at his feet. He was now wearing two different sneakers.
"Why are you wearing two different shoes?" she asked.
"I couldn't find the missing one," he explained.
"That's why I said to put on a different pair of shoes."
"I did."
"No, you put on two different sneakers. One is red. One is blue."
He shrugged. "I like it better this way."
Emma rubbed her temple. "Fine. Go like that."
Killian pinched the bridge of his nose. "The headache I currently have rivals those I've only gotten after consuming several flasks of rum."
Emma smiled and patted her husband's shoulder. "That's parenthood for you. The effects of a hangover without the fun."
Killian laughed. "Aye."
They then worked together to lift Eva off the floor. They thought they were finally ready to leave when they realized Ella was missing.
"Where's Ella?" Emma asked.
Killian groaned. "Bloody hell."
They heard a giggle coming from upstairs and she appeared at the top of the stairs, completely naked.
Emma let out an audible groan. "Seriously?"
Killian exhaled in defeat and held up his hook and hand. "That's it. I surrender," he said.
His wife turned to him wide-eyed. "What? I thought you love a challenge."
"Aye, that I do. But I am also wise enough to know when to admit defeat."
"So let me get this straight. You've lived centuries and defeated villains and monsters, broken curses, but our three children manage to take you down?"
He shrugged. "Defeat can come in the most unexpected of ways and from the most underestimated of foes."
"Okay, this is ridiculous. What are we supposed to do? Never leave the house again?"
"No, we can certainly make another attempt at some point. But today I believe we must admit the lad and lasses have bested us."
"So much for never giving up," she muttered.
"Perhaps if you could use your magic or I could use my sword to defeat them, we would stand a chance. But, alas, that is not an option."
Emma groaned and rubbed at her forehead. "Yeah, this parenthood thing is definitely the greatest challenge we've ever faced together."
"Some days it feels more like a hostage negotiation with a band of drunken pirates than actual parenting," Killian said.
"Well, I guess you would know," she replied with a chuckle. Emma paused and and shook her head. "But one thing I know is that we've always been stronger together."
"Aye."
"The kids outnumber us. But-..."
He nodded, finishing her thought, "We've been outnumbered before and emerged victorious. You're right, Swan. We just have to keep our wits about us, formulate a plan, and work as a team."
Emma nodded, as she came closer to her husband and snaked her arms around his neck. "Now there's the determined pirate I love. There's no battle we can't win if we work together."
Killian pressed his lips to his wife's. Just as they parted, they both felt a tug on their shirts. They looked down to find Liam staring up at them.
"I lost my shoes," he said.
Emma and Killian sighed, as they dropped their foreheads together and squeezed their eyes closed.
...
"Okay, here's the plan," Emma said, as she handed Killian a roll of duct tape.
Her husband's eyes grew wide. "Love, admittedly I'm still learning about parenting in this realm, but I do believe it is frowned upon to restrain them."
Emma laughed, shook her head, and then handed him a pair of green sneakers. "For Liam's sneakers. Put them on and secure them with a bit of duct tape around his foot. They won't be going anywhere for awhile."
"Brilliant."
Emma pointed to Eva and Liam. "Both of you on the couch," she ordered.
They begrudgingly followed their mother's command.
She addressed Killian. "Okay, watch them. Don't let them out of your sight."
"As you wish."
"I'll take care of Ella," she said.
Emma headed upstairs. She found her naked toddler jumping up and down on their bed.
"Ella, do you want to play a game?"
Ella stopped jumping and nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah!"
"Okay, how about dress-up? You love playing dress-up."
"Can I be a princess?"
"Yup. But here's the game part. I'm going to time you on my phone. I'm going to give you five minutes and you have to be fully dressed, including pull-up. And you have to stay dressed for the rest of the day or you lose. Got it?"
"Got it!" she yelled and gave her mother a thumbs up.
"Ready," Emma said, as she tapped the time on her phone. "Get set. Go!"
Ella jumped off the bed and raced to her bedroom. Emma followed and watched as she ran to her toy chest and began to frantically pull out her dress-up costumes.
...
Killian could hear his wife and daughter upstairs as he guarded their other two children. They squirmed on the couch.
"I'm hungry," Eva said.
"I'm thirsty," Liam announced.
"Well, loves, if we leave this house sometime this century, then you can have your fill of food and beverages at your uncle's party."
"But I'm hungry now."
"I'm thirsty now."
Killian waved his hook at them and shook his head. "I know what you're attempting to do and your efforts will be fruitless."
Eva tilted her head and smiled at her father, batting her eyelashes. "You're the best daddy in the whole wide world," she said softly.
Killian blushed and shrugged. "Thank you, love."
"In all the realms," Liam added, spreading his arms out wide.
"And you're the funnest, too," Eva said. "All of my friends are jealous because their dads are boring."
Liam nodded. "Yeah, mine too. Our daddy's a cool pirate."
Killian puffed his chest out proudly, his face beaming. "Well, I can't argue with that. I'd imagine the other fathers would be rather envious of me. I can't say I blame them."
Eva and Liam slowly inched off the couch and came to sit on their father's lap. They looped their arms around his neck and each placed a kiss on his cheek.
"We love you, Daddy," they said in unison.
Killian smiled. "I love you, too."
"Now can we have something to eat?" Eva asked.
"And drink?" Liam said.
Killian nodded, kissing their foreheads. "Of course. How could I ever deny my beautiful offspring anything? You're such a wonderful lad, Liam, and you're a lovely lass, Eva."
"Thank you, Daddy!" they said, as they hugged him, and then jumped off his lap and ran into the kitchen.
...
A few minutes later, Emma came down the stairs with Ella, who was now dressed in a glittery purple princess dress and sparkly pink shoes. The look was made complete with a crown atop her head.
Killian smiled. "Well, lass, you look stunning," he said.
Ella giggled, as Emma's eyes widened at the empty couch.
"Where are Eva and Liam?"
"Oh, not to worry, love. They're just getting something to eat and drink."
Emma's eyes widened. "What? Killian, I told you not to let them move. Every parent knows you never let a child who is dressed to leave the house eat or drink anything or they will surely require a change of clothes. How did they convince you to let them move off the couch?"
He grinned. "We have very sweet children, Swan. They told me how I am the best daddy in all of the realms."
Emma groaned. "Of course they did. They stroked your ego. Smart kids."
Killian shrugged. "It was rather brilliant. Well played."
Eva and Lia emerged from the kitchen a moment later. Eva had chocolate pudding all over the front of her dress and Liam had grape juice on his pants. Emma stared daggers at her husband.
"Apologies, love."
Just then, Emma's cell rang. She looked down and groaned. "It's my mother."
She answered the phone. "Hi, Mom."
"Emma, where are you? Neal's party started an hour ago."
"Well, we started the process of leaving the house two hours ago. Let's just say it isn't going well."
Snow chuckled. "Ah, I can imagine it's difficult with three young children." She paused and said, "Put me on speaker."
Emma pressed speaker.
"Eva, Liam, Ella. It's grandma."
"Hi, Grandma!" they yelled.
"Do you know what's waiting for you at the party?"
"What?" they asked.
"A piñata full of candy. And there's chocolate cake. And there's ice cream. Plus, a little present for each of you."
"Yay!"
"But you must get in the car within the next five minutes or everything will disappear. Okay?"
"Okay!" they screamed.
Emma watched as Liam and Eva raced upstairs to change.
Emma and Killian shook their heads in amazement.
"Unbelievable," Emma said.
Snow chuckled. "Emma, never forget a parent's greatest weapon: bribery."
"I thought bribery was frowned upon," Killian said.
"I'm a big believer in whatever works," Snow said. "See you soon. Hopefully."
Eva and Liam ran down the stairs a moment later, freshly changed. "Ready!"
Emma and Killian exchanged a relieved smile.
Emma looked at them. "Does anyone need to use the bathroom?"
"Nope," they said.
Killian grinned. "Then let's go."
They filed out of the house and piled into the car. Emma was almost backed out of the driveway when Liam began to squirm in his seat.
"I have to pee," he said.
Emma and Killian squeezed their eyes shut, as she put the car in park. She glared at him in the rearview mirror.
"Seriously, kid? I just asked if anyone needed to go to the bathroom not three minutes ago."
"I didn't have to go then," he replied with a matter-of-fact shrug.
Emma and Killian exchanged a look and then simply laughed, as Emma dropped her head onto the steering wheel.
…
From their booth at Granny's, Emma and Killian watched their three children attempt to hit the piñata.
Emma smiled, as she leaned forward and linked her fingers with her husband's.
"As crazy as they drive us, I have to admit we created three pretty great kids," she said.
Killian nodded. "Aye, love, that we did."
Emma's smile faded and her expression grew serious. "Do you ever regret it? Do you ever regret trading life as a pirate captain for like in Storybrooke?"
Killian's brow furrowed, as he shook his head. "Not for a moment, Swan. It was the best decision I ever made. You helped me find the good man I still had inside of me and gave me a noble cause. And that decision gave me you and our children."
Emma bobbed her head. "I know," she said. She waved her hand at their children. "But I doubt when you made that decision back then, you could have imagined what your life would be like now."
Killian chuckled. "You're quite right, love. I traded battles with pirates over treasure for battles with children over shoes and diapers." He paused for a long moment. "I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a very small part of me that feared that life as a husband and father in Storybrooke could grow dull and tiresome. But I had nothing to fear because this life we've created together is the greatest adventure of my life."
Emma smiled as he leaned forward and placed a kiss to her knuckles.
"And there's no one else I'd rather go on this adventure with," she said.
"It's my turn!" Eva suddenly yelled.
Emma and Killian groaned, as they turned to find Eva and Liam in a tug-of war over the plastic bat being used to hit the piñata.
"No, it's not! It's mine!" Liam screamed.
"Duty calls, Swan," Killian said, as they both slid out of the booth.
Killian grabbed Eva and Emma grabbed Liam, pulling them apart until they dropped the bat. Ella giggled as she picked it up from the ground and began swinging it haphazardly.
Eva and Liam squirmed in their parents' arms until they were finally released and set on the ground.
Eva pointed at Liam. "He stole my turn!"
"She stole my turn!" he yelled.
Emma and Killian sighed heavily, preparing to launch into their upteenth lecture on sharing. But just as they opened their mouths, Ella screamed, "My turn!"
Unfortunately, she was only two and her aim left a lot to be desired. She swung and missed the piñata entirely. But what she didn't miss was her father's face. The plastic bat hit Killian square in the nose.
"Killian!" Emma screamed, as he fell backwards and landed on the ground, his hand going to clutch his nose.
"Bloody hell," he muttered, as his nose began to throb.
Emma stroked his cheek, as Snow ran off to get ice.
Ella walked over to her father and touched his cheek. "Sorry, Daddy," she whispered in his ear.
Eva grabbed Killian's hand, while Liam took hold of his hook.
"Are you okay, Daddy?" Eva asked.
"I've been better, love," he mumbled.
Snow arrived with the ice and Emma pressed it to her husband's swollen nose.
"You'll be fine, Daddy. You're a big, strong pirate," Liam said.
Emma smiled at their children, as they attempted to comfort their father.
"Thank you, lad. You're right. I've endured far worse. I'll be just fine," he said.
Emma helped him up and then ushered him back to their booth. She scooted all the way in and then motioned for Killian to placed his head on her lap. He lay back, settling his head in his wife's lap as she placed the ice back on his nose.
"Has the handsome finally been knocked out of me, love?"
Emma caressed his cheek. "I told you. No one's that powerful, not even our kids."
Killian laughed and then winced in pain.
Emma brushed his hair off his forehead and placed a kiss on it, as she met his eyes. "So still no regrets?"
He shook his head. "Not a one. I wouldn't trade our life together for all of the treasure in all of the realms."
Emma smiled, as she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips.
Just then, all three kids appeared at the booth. They started to climb on top of Killian.
"Careful!" Emma said, as Liam kneed him in the crotch, garnering another groan from her husband.
"We just want to hug him," Eva explained.
Emma's face softened. "Okay, but be gentle."
Eva flopped down on top of her father's chest as Liam took up a spot beside her. Ella managed to climb on top of her siblings.
Killian smiled and tightly wrapped his arms around their little brood. Emma found his hand and slipped hers in it, as they exchanged a smile that said it all.
...THE END...
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. I'd love to know what you thought. ~Steph