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Till the Day we Embrace again
It was a night of passion, or rather a night of stupidity as I properly remembered. I couldn't tell if he was sober or under the influence but I certainly was, heavily. The rest of our comrades had already turned in and it was only me, him and the night above us that kept us company in the sky, while the blazing bonfire lit the otherwise gloomy Mosphoran Highwaste. I vaguely remembered what he said to me, saying I had to "get a hold of myself" and how I would "lose all my credibility by letting them see them in the state I'm in". He probably said other important stuff but I couldn't concentrate hard enough to focus on anything but one thing. How his eyes glowed, basking in the warm light of the bonfire. My body was restless, tossing and turning all over the place, but my mind was fixed. I didn't know how long it took for him to realize I was gazing upon his beautiful face with a drunken sense of awe.
I feel fiercely admired him. The way he kept his cool, the way he approached his enemies and comrades both with graceful strategy. He had that sense of aura, that sense of authority that no one dared to oppose. Yet he was so approachable. Among the soldiers, he was one of them and not the one who was above them. The only one that he didn't seem too friendly towards was me. It made me uneasy inside and it caused me to constantly want to prove myself to him that I'm worthy of having a decent conversation with, amongst other things. I was second-in-command, which was probably why he was harsher to me than he is to the other soldiers. The only words I heard from him were commands and his constant reminder of how I should put up a good example to the other soldiers.
Whatever nonsense I spouted out soon after, it definitely triggered a whole series of events. I was drunk with liquor and I was the kind of person who poured out his heart without thinking whether he should be saying things he shouldn't. He lightly placed his hands on my shoulders as he muttered a word or two. I mind was in a blur as was my hearing was muffled. He looked more serious and tensed as usual, grinding his eyebrows together as he spoke to me. And without any warning, our mouths embraced. At that moment he took away all of my intoxication and I became fully aware of his actions. I didn't try to resist as he continued to cup my face with his callous but gentle hands because secretly in my heart, that was the recognition that I longed for all this while.
He opened his heart to me that night. He opened and switched off that cold and strict part of him. He decided he wanted me. As the bonfire started to falter, he carried me, with my legs wrapped around him, into my tent where we made love till the wee hours of the morning. Unlike in the battlefield, his touch to my skin was so gentle it tickled my senses with delight. I wasn't used to get this kind of attention from another man, but I was enjoying every bit of it. Every time he entered me, I could feel a tiny of bit his aura seeping into my very essence. I was going to be his tonight.
I woke up with a massive hangover crushing my head. I was sore all over, from all the previous battles and fatigue but more importantly from last night. It hurt but I glad it did. It reminded me that I was truly his now, that I finally was of some worth in his eyes. I opened my eyes to find him getting ready, clad in his cold armor. I called out to him but he didn't turn back. Instead he whispered back to me.
Let us put the past behind and move on. It was a mistake, you know it and I know it. I hope you understand, Azelas.
My heart broke in two. But it was late and we had to start our journey back to Dalmasca. I pushed away the sheets as shock took me over. My armor seemed heavier than usual, carrying the burden of my broken heart. I felt a sense of bitter betrayal and hurt, imagining what could have been and what should have been. I wanted this to be a dream and wake up again to find him still wrapping me with his strong and tired arms, his face next to mine sharing the same pillow as I took in his scent. I forgot how many times I fought back my vulnerability, but as I put on my armor the tears just rolled down like a water spell onto the ground that we had intimately joined hearts the night before.
I never spoke to him after that. It was back to the routine of him giving me orders and advice and I following him like a machine. I taught myself to block out any remaining memories and feelings I had for him. But every time he stared deep into my eyes without any sense of passion, any sense of remorse, any sense of guilt towards me, I couldn't help but let the knife stab my heart over and over again. Usually I would end up welling up in tears, only to recover shortly after fighting for a period of time constantly reminding myself that he had closed his heart forever.
Three years passed and Dalmasca was slowly falling into the hands of the Archadian Empire. My mind then was much more oriented towards the Kingdom rather than on him. I didn't know when I stopped pining for him nor did I know when I became so determined to end this war. I spend endless nights trying to find a way to end the war. I desperately wanted to see peace for all the people in Dalmasca, even if it means betraying my own Kingdom. I was unsure for a period of time why I spent so much delving into political issues that certainly would be handled much more appropriately by the King himself. Then I realized. I did this not because I didn't have anything else to do, it was my way of directing myself away from him, making myself occupied on whatever was on my mind whether it was trivial or not. As I was desperate to see peace for the Kingdom, I was as desperate to forget about him as he forgot my feelings for me.
That's when my hatred took over. I was so clouded and obsessed in getting over him and how I wanted to protect Dalmasca I thought of the very thing that would bring her down. Archades was winning and everybody knew that. Yet all of them foolishly tried to protect Dalmasca till their last breath. I was tired of fighting fruitless fights and defending against something that I couldn't win. I wanted results. That's when I sought out the help of the Empire. I made a pact with them, making them promise to favorable conditions and in return I would help them get the approval of Lord Raminas to surrender to the Empire. For haste I made a pact with the devil.
As easily the pact was made, it was soon to be foiled the very person I never knew that would cross my path. He wanted to persuade Lord Raminas from signing the treaty and possibly stop any adversary from the Empire that would most probably murder the King in cold blood. I had to stop him so I volunteered to join him to infiltrate Nalbina Fortress to stop the King.
On our way through the battles to the King, we chanced upon a young soldier. He was alone and looked inexperienced. It was so obvious that he would drag us further from our hasty attempt to reach the King, but he insisted he bring along the boy. It was then he triggered a part of me that I so successfully tried to hide from my consciousness so long ago. I felt jealous, filled with envy as why did he bothered to care for the weakling that would only succeed in pulling us down from our goals. I clenched my fist so hard it felt was if I was crushing it from the inside, I called out to the both of them to remind them of the goal ahead.
The truth is, I couldn't forget about you. I wanted to, really. I tried hating you, closing myself from you, but whenever I see you my heart longs for something that may never come to pass. Is there any way for me to have the right to say I Love You? Perhaps not, that's why my heart still breaks.
His name was Reks. He looked so vulnerable, so unsure of himself. He looked like he craved attention. I hated young boys like him. I knew my rage took over and it clouded my thoughts from judging right from wrong. I knew I didn't really despise the boy, but jealousy took over me. The more the rage took over, my desire for revenge increased ten-fold. I was judging and making ridiculous theories about how he was showing affection to the boy when he clearly wasn't making any move at all. All my thoughts about restoring peace to Dalmasca were thrown aside by the immense strength of my hatred. Sometimes when I look back at my decision, I scare myself so much with regret.
I went ahead of them to the throne room where King Raminas was. There I saw his twin brother, who looked exactly like him but was of the other side. He had a different aura from his brother. Looking so alike yet personalities are worlds apart. I walked up to him and did the one thing that I would regret for a long time. In my trance of rage, I warned him about their arrival to stop the king from signing the treaty. I told him I wanted the boy dead and I also told him to do whatever he wants to his brother as he see fit with no part of me in it. I betrayed Dalmasca over such a silly fuss of jealousy.
I betrayed you.
I returned as fast as I could back to his team where they were still hacking through Archadian soldiers. I ran up to them, lying to them that I cleared the pathway for them to reach the King. Everybody seemed relieved that they did not have to fight anymore and hurried on to reach the King. I had instructed the soldiers to appear behind them, so that I could give an excuse of staying behind to eliminate them. I felt so disgusted with myself, seeing myself become into something so cunning and ruthless, one who would side with the very nation we have sworn to fight against. As he ran up the stairs, I could feel the incredible amount of satisfaction building inside, knowing the boy will be killed and imagining the number of ways his brother would torture him. It excited me and gave me a new height of pleasure. But out of the blue, he looked back and said these words to me.
You still mean a lot to me, Azelas. So don't die on me here.
I never forgave myself for doing the things I did. I had forgotten how many times I tried to hold back the tears every time someone mentions him, branding him a traitor, calling him scum. I fiercely defended him and soon enough no one dared speak ill of him in front of me, though I knew I couldn't stop them from speaking elsewhere. It has been two years and yet I couldn't let go of my dead past. I never told anyone the absolute truth of what happened that fateful day for the fear of being branded as a traitor, much like him. I wasn't afraid instead I was more unprepared for the inevitable to happen. Sometimes I wish I could die with him, at least this way we could be together forever without any conflicts, without anyone to get between us.
I did live on two years later. I fought hard to secretly build up a resistance faction to go against the Archadian Empire, together with the help of the Marquis Halim Ondore. I intend to make up for his death, make up for all the wrongs and crimes I committed, though it could never ever bring him back alive, I still continue. Every night I long for him, not only as someone who I loved but also as a good friend and comrade he had always been.
That's when you appeared out of the blue, into my life again. I swore never in my entire life would I expect to see you again. You've grown thin. This time, I'm going to make things right.
When he appeared at the door, blood rushed back straight into my gray heart. I was in a cold sweat, feeling feverish and nervous. I was too happy for words to describe to know that he lived all these years when I was mourning for him, yet at the back of my mind I was constantly reminded at the fact that he was in this state because of my childish reasoning and stupid decisions. He asked for clothes and a weapon approaching me in a very professional way without harboring any harsh feelings towards me. I kept asking myself if his brother had told him about the crimes I've committed. I wanted to ask him but I was too ashamed of myself to find the courage to pop the big question.
He came and left without saying much. I knew where he was going and I sent my men to track their movements. Soon after I found out he had been held up in the Leviathan. Desperate in my attempt to prove myself, like old times, I sneaked up the airship myself to save him. All these years, my mind was in a mess and I was blindly following wherever my feelings led me and usually they would lead me to places I could never get out of. Still I managed to save you from Ghis, one whom I had previous relations with. Perhaps I shouldn't have tried too hard to be a Son of Dalmasca, maybe I shouldn't have consulted my raw instinct and went ahead to trust the Empire to provide Dalmasca with a path to peace.
Maybe if I could forget about you sooner.
Whether it was an act of self-righteousness or an act of stupidity, sadly I couldn't find the answer in time as I noticed a familiar figure amongst the crew of unlikely travelers that you had company with. He looked like Reks but more determined in his eyes, that was when I remembered how jealous I felt when you conversed with Reks with such concern, concern I thought should be mine. My mind went into delirium once again. Ghis previously came up to me with a proposition of handing over the so-called "traitors" to him to deal with and with that he would discuss with Vayne Solidor himself about peace between the two nations. It was tempting as I was desperate for any chance for the Empire to have a hearing ear. Through the exploration of the Tomb of Raithwall, I secretly contacted Ghis about my whereabouts and put the whole group into the custody of him in the Shiva.
I made many mistakes in my life and probably my whole life is tainted with mistakes. But loving him wasn't one of them. I was at the point of no return as I turned Loyal Knight into Traitor, into a lost soul without salvation. I revealed myself to the group and I fought them, knowing very well I couldn't put my whole effort into hurting him. The blades, the bullets and the arrows pierced my body with such satisfying pain it was a fitting end for a traitor like me. But as a Son of Dalmasca I did not regret my actions one bit for I did it for Dalmasca. But as a person, I am condemned to lay forever scorched within the fiery pits of hell, wherever that may be. I have failed Lady Ashe, I have failed Dalmasca and I have failed myself. As I knelt in defeat before the five fleeing figures, I noticed one figure that stood closely to my fallen body. His lips trembled with a message that was meant for me so long ago like a secret ancient manuscript meant for the Dynast King. His words echoed in my head as my life flashed before me.
I never stopped loving you after that night. I just didn't know how to love you or how we were to live with each other. I trusted you so much but you betrayed me in the end, I guess I did deserve it for hurting you so badly. After two years, after two long years I finally got a chance to see you again. I knew about your plots but I loved and longed for you too much to hate you. I never stopped loving you, Vossler.
As my vision darkened to an abyss, my heart felt as peace as Basch turned his back on me and walked away. We both knew he could carry me and save me from my wounds but we were too proud and stubborn for our own good.
I went down with the Shiva. But I never left your side and kept looking out for you, by your shoulder. Sometimes I look back and wonder…
Where did I go wrong?
Were those tears for me?
I absolutely love this tragic couple. Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed typing this out.