Hardened

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Susan heaved a sigh. She was sitting on the couch on this warm summer night, all made up, with nowhere to go. She'd bought this dress specifically for tonight's party, but her suitor was quite sick and no matter what her friends said, she felt it was absolutely unacceptable to show up alone. For half a second, she had entertained the thought of asking one of her brothers to accompany her, but she put it out of her mind, knowing they'd never agree – or worse, they'd begin talking about the balls they attended together at Cair– at that silly place they made up a long time ago.

'Children have such fine imaginations,' she thought to herself. Now those balls, the ones they…imagined… why, her friends could never even dream of a party so grand. She would always dance with Edmund at the end of the night, while Peter spun Lucy as many times as he could before she would fall over. Susan started to chuckle a little, remembering these antics, but caught herself before she allowed thoughts of that place to seep into her mind again.

"You're not going out, Susan?" Edmund asked, coming down the stairs to find her moping in the sitting room. She felt a little twinge in her heart at hearing the distance in his address. It had been a year since anyone had called her Su – on her insistence that childish nicknames hardly fit a lady her age – but she suddenly found that she missed it.

"Not tonight, Edmund. I've just found out that Colin's awfully ill and won't be able to take me." She half-hoped Edmund would offer to take her, but recognized how they'd grown apart over the last few years and banished the thought.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Susan. Perhaps you'd like to come with us to get ice cream? It's still quite warm, and Peter's been craving it all day."

"Oh well, I suppose..." Susan began, tempted to go along. After all, what was the good of dressing up if she were just to stay home? But she caught herself, remembering how many times she'd said it was childish to go out for ice cream at this age, and decided against it. "No, that's alright Edmund, I'll stay home. It's a bit silly to go out just for ice cream, don't you think?"

"I think it's a bit silly to be putting those concerns over a little time with your siblings. You know Lu and I are off again to school in a few weeks." He chided, still leaning against the staircase railing. "But if you're quite certain…" He turned to leave.

"Oh Ed, don't be awful. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you all, I just… I suppose our interests have diverged. That's all. Do let me know if you'd ever like to go out to one of my parties. We'd have a wonderful time."

He looked at her a bit sadly. "Alright Susan. I do hope our interests might converge again sometime." He responded, and she knew exactly what he was referring to. For years her siblings had made it obvious that they expected her to return to their games. But she was simply growing up! What terrible siblings to try to keep her from joining society. Perhaps Lucy and Edmund could be excused as they were younger, but Peter really ought to know better. In fact, he should be joining society himself.

"Yes, perhaps when you all do a bit of growing up." She said a bit harsher than she intended. She was instantly sorry for it, but couldn't back down now.

Edmund just sighed and softly replied, "Yes, perhaps we're the ones who need to grow up. But perhaps not."

"What do you mean by that? That I'm the childish one? Because I don't play along with your silly games any longer?" Susan herself was surprised at how defensive she was getting.

"Because you're too far gone to admit that you miss it. Because your childish pride keeps you locked up in this grownup world you've made without us."

Susan faltered a bit. She wasn't like that at all! But... hadn't she just been thinking it would be nice to be Su again, to play with Lucy and to get ice cream with Pete and Ed? Just as she was about to vehemently deny Edmund's claims, he took a seat across from her and spoke again, much more gently this time.

"Do you remember the day the Stone Table cracked?" It was almost a whisper, both in awe and reverence toward the subject and in fear that she might ruin such a sacred memory. Something about the way he said it made her want to be honest. But she couldn't say a word. She just looked at him, wondering if it would be worse to lie and say she didn't know what he was talking about or be honest and shatter the image she'd stubbornly built up for herself in the last few years. She couldn't bring herself to do either. After a long pause, she nodded almost imperceptibly for him to continue.

"You didn't want me to know, but Lucy told me all about what happened that day. How Aslan let the White Witch kill him."

At the name Aslan, Susan winced and very nearly interrupted Edmund to yell at him for acting like these stories were real. But she didn't. She held her tongue and let him continue.

"She told me how he explained to you two why he died, and why he came back."

Susan just continued to stare at him. The memories were so close but she kept pushing them back, letting him tell her the story as though it were the first time. As though she hadn't been there herself.

"It was my betrayal. I was so rotten, and I turned my back on my family. Narnia waited a hundred years for us and I screwed it up the first chance I got."

Why did they make up this part? This part was awful, wretched, and Edmund still carried the scars. What children would make this story up? …or maybe they didn't. If Susan had let herself pursue that thought, she would've remembered it was all true.

"I stepped into this magical world and the first thing I did was trade it for Turkish delight. For power. For false promises."

Susan instantly thought of Colin Tucker and all the many suitors she'd had, promising to make her happy, make her feel loved…make her feel like a queen. But no matter who or what she looked to, nothing in this world made her feel the way she felt then.

"But Aslan knew. And he still loved me. He made a way for a traitor like me to come back. He fulfilled the Deep Magic that required my life… I remember wondering what kind of world would expect a kid to die for his mistakes. But I realized that's how good Aslan is. He's too good to let people who've hurt and betrayed Narnia get off scot free. But he was also too loving to let me die."

"Why are you telling me this?" Susan asked.

"When Aslan died, he fulfilled the Deep Magic once and for all. The Stone Table cracked so there would be no more deaths, no more punishment. By his death, all I had to do was turn to him. When I was with the Witch, I already regretted what I did so much, but I didn't think there was any way I could come back. Who would accept me? I was guilty of such a disaster, responsible for so much hurt. But because of Aslan, there aren't any hurdles to jump through or any punishments to face. Any traitor, any guilty person, any lost soul can just turn to him. He's waiting for them to come."

For a second, Susan remembered the moment Aslan appeared after his body vanished from the Stone Table. He was brighter and stronger and more real than they thought possible. "Oh, Ed… do you think I could…" Edmund saw Susan's eyes grow wide with wonderment. Could Aslan really want her back? Could he even be waiting for her, after she'd been denying him for so long? She remembered him breathing on her, forgiving her unbelief and giving her courage. She remembered riding on his back through Narnia and feeling like everything in the world would be wonderful as long as he were there.

And then she remembered not feeling that way. She remembered not having him there anymore. "Ed, how could you do this to me?" The moment was shattered.

"What do you mean, Susan? Don't you know? Can't you remember what it was like? Narnia? Aslan?"

"Don't mention him to me any longer! Aslan is too cruel! He sent us back here when we still had so many years left to rule. If only you all had listened to me, we would still be in Narnia! We wouldn't have had to see it thousands of years later, after everything was horrible and different, after Narnia forgot its queen! Why couldn't we just turn back, return to Cair Paravel, or else keep looking for the White Stag? Why didn't anyone listen to me? Why did we end up back here? Why did he tell me I couldn't go back? Wasn't it enough that he ripped our kingdom away the first time?" Susan scowled at Edmund, expecting an answer.

"Oh, Su." He called her Su. It had been so long. "Su, you do remember. But you remember it all wrong. Aslan was never cruel. Everything he did was for our sake."

"How could it have been for me that he banished me from my kingdom?"

"He wanted us to learn how to live in our world. How to be kings and queens even when we don't have subjects or castles. How to trust him without seeing him. But don't you remember, he promised he would always be with us, even here? Isn't that enough? To have him, even if we lost everything else?"

Susan stopped listening. His voice was soft and gentle but all she heard was accusation. He was accusing her of unbelief again, of not having loved Aslan, of only loving his gifts, her kingdom. How dare he keep trying to turn it around on her? It wasn't her fault. It was His. "Edmund, I've heard enough. Go get your ice cream." Her voice was venomous.

"Won't you come with us just this once?" Edmund's eyes showed the hurt and disappointment that she was shutting herself in again. "Please, Su? For old times' sake?"

That wasn't her name. She wasn't Su anymore, nor was she the Gentle Queen Susan. She was Susan Pevensie, an attractive eighteen-year-old girl with a line of suitors wrapping around the block. Her speech became guarded and affected again, but there was just enough hardness to show she hadn't recovered from his words. "What a silly conversation we had. The heat must have come over me. I do think I'll just stay home, but enjoy your treat." Yes, the whole thing was all nonsense anyway. Lions and witches and wardrobes were all just a fanciful part of their childhood, and the comfort of what she perceived to be reality set in again.

Edmund recognized that the opportunity was gone, and doubted she would let her guard down again anytime soon. He nodded and stood up to go, but his heart seemed to break at his sister's cold expression, once again masking the pain she had inadvertently revealed to him. Finally, he drew near and knelt in front of her, in a characteristically Narnian bow. It was a gesture of honor that maybe some other part of her might have deserved ages ago, but she certainly didn't feel worthy of it now. She didn't know how to respond, so she continued to scowl at him. "My sister, queen of Narnia… kings and kingdoms sought after your beauty," Edmund smiled sadly and kissed her hand, "But even now, Aslan is after your heart."

With that, he rose and left Susan to ponder the ache she felt at his words. Maybe deep down somewhere, what he told her struck a chord. Maybe something in her still believed in Aslan, even longed for him. But it was all too much to think about, too much to process. She was much more content to live in the here-and-now. She relegated all this heavy talk to the furthest corner of her mind and decided, almost defiantly, that she would go to the party after all.

"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."

A/N: I envisioned this as a conversation Susan might remember after The Last Battle that could eventually lead her back to Narnia, even if her heart is too hard at this point to listen. My interpretation of Susan's struggles and unbelief has been very much influenced by other fanfiction, most notably "Thrice Undone, Thrice Anew" by The Hobbit's Rhapsody, which I definitely recommend. Thank you for reading, please review if you enjoyed it!