It Had to be Over by Bensler
A/N: Have always loved to write. This is my first try at fiction. Never saw SVU until about a year ago when I was laid up sick. Now I am totally hooked. Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Don't own Law & Order: SVU. If I did, I would make my story line, Seasons 11 and 12!
Chapter One Remember
It had to be over. She had known for a long time now but could never make herself admit it. If she admitted it, she would be forced to make some hard decisions. It was so much easier to ignore and pretend nothing had changed between them than to face it and all the pain that would ensue with that acknowledgment. But the fact was that everything had changed even before he had gone back to his estranged wife. She knew that day in the courthouse when he told her Kathy was pregnant that things between them would never be the same. She knew when he looked at her in disbelief that she could even question what he would do, that somehow, someway she needed to let him go. She had to let him go. For her own survival, she had to start learning to live her life without him as her center, her rock, her world. She could not remember when he became all those things, could not even remember her life before he was all those things, so just how was she suppose to remember how to live without him now.
She thought back on her first day at the SVU, sitting in Cragen's office while he was filling her in how things were done at the 1-6. As the Captain told her that her partner was a seasoned detective with several years experience in the unit, she began forming a picture of him, and in her mind all she could see was a short, older guy, that was probably out of shape and wore wrinkled shirts and pants that were too short. Just then Cragen's door opened and a tall man not much older than her, stepped in, speaking to the Captain. Cragen nodded toward him and then introduced them to each other saying, Detective Elliot Stabler, meet your new partner, Detective Olivia Benson. He was dressed in a dark brown suit, medium blue shirt with a tie that had some kind of brown and blue design. He was handsome in a rugged sort of way, trim and very muscled, short brown hair, nothing like her mental image of him. He had a beautiful smile. Well, maybe it was more of a smirk. He seemed somewhat arrogant, cocky even, and she bet he could be hard to be around at times but he did seem friendly. When he shook her hand she found herself looking into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She wondered if the blue of his shirt just made his eyes seem more blue than they really were, but whatever their color, it did not matter. As they looked into one another's eyes, the sense of connection was immediate, not as though they were strangers meeting for the first time, but instead, friends from long ago that had spent a lifetime looking for each other.
She thought back on that first day and the years since and tried so hard to figure out just when it was she fell in love with him, her partner, her best friend. Tried to figure out just when it was that she began to compare every man she dated to Elliot, only to find them lacking not for who they were but for who they were not. For so long he had been so many things to her, things she had never had in her life. Sometimes he acted like he was the father she never had, concerned that she wasn't eating enough, sleeping properly or balancing work with personal time. Other times he was like an older brother, giving her advice on guys, helping her over rough times, protecting her...but always, always he was her friend, best friend...whether is was to talk or just sit with her in silence, somehow knowing exactly what was going on in her mind. Yes, he was there for her no matter what. Just like she was there for him. They could have whole conversations with just a few looks and she was the only one who was not put off by his violent rages and temper. She knew she had a calming affect on him...maybe not lately but most of the time...just a hand to his arm or shoulder or her nickname for him, El, spoken quietly and he visibly settled down. She provided a stability that he lacked but desperately needed.
She tried to figure out why, when she realized her feelings for him had changed, why she did not tell him. He had been separated almost two years and was well on his way to being single. Surely, she could have found it in her at some point during that time to tell him. Oh, if only she had, maybe, just maybe things would be so different now. The effect he had on her scared the hell out of her...he scared the hell out of her. She loved the partnership, friendship they had and the thought of taking it to a new level and then having it come apart, left her feeling numb inside. She could not risk losing his friendship by being his lover. But what if it could work out? Maybe it was worth the risk. She knew he felt something for her, too. That much was clear after the Gitano case. But, no, instead of facing this thing, whatever it was, between them head on, she decided it was just too complicated and she ran away from him not once but twice. If she had told him of her feelings instead of trying to make sense of something so illogical as love, if she had even realized or been willing to admit it was love she was feeling, she would not be here now, heartbroken over him. If she wasn't so hell bent on figuring things out first, he would have turned to her for comfort after Malcom Royce killed his family instead finding it by falling into bed with his soon to be ex-wife. The divorce papers had been signed, sealed and delivered. They were just waiting for it to become final. Why, Elliot, why?
He had to go back. It was the honorable thing to do, the good Catholic thing to do and the only thing he could do because she was, after all, pregnant with their fifth child. He had to take responsibility for his actions. Yea, he had told Kathy he wanted to come home months ago, but when they never seemed to be able to settle on a definite time, he began to question if that was what he really wanted. Somewhere along the way things had changed between he and Olivia, his partner of eight years. Somewhere along the way things had become, as Liv always said, complicated. Now anything that might have been between them was over even before it truly began. It had to be over. But she was his air, his foundation, every beat of his heart. Would someone please tell him how to live without that, without her?
From day one of their partnership, they just clicked. He remembered going into Cragen's office to meet his new partner. Less than thrilled about getting a female partner, he was told she was young but had more commendations than most police officers do by the end of their careers. He conjured up the image of a homely, tomboyish girl, who would be a Miss-Know-It-All, not to mention a pain in the butt. As he opened the door, he saw her sitting there, but she stood almost immediately and with a confidence that surprised him, came toward him when Cragen began the introductions. She was tall, almost as tall as him with her heels and he was 6'1". She wore a light gray suit that was way too big for her, perhaps in an attempt to cover her femininity, and a white shell that hung loosely. Even so, he could tell her slender body, was curved in all the right places, toned and most likely very strong. She had no jewelry other than a watch that appeared to be a man's watch. Interesting. She had silky, shoulder-length, chestnut colored hair, that fell to one side covering her right eye from time to time. She kept poking the errant stands behind her ear and they kept falling back. She had huge brown eyes that looked like pools of melted chocolate, with long dark lashes that contrasted vividly against her smooth, olive complexion and when she smiled, it was like the sun peeking out from a cloudy day. He loved that smile. Though she tried to hide it with her choice of clothing and very little makeup, she was gorgeous. When they shook hands, he swears he felt the connection run straight up his arm and shoulder and right into his heart. It was like they had known each other forever and they fell into an easy comradery, a deep friendship and a bond that defied all other relationships in his life.
At first, he was just very protective of her, showing her the ropes in the SVU since he had already been in the unit for a couple of years. He only wanted the best for her in everything. He was there when a case was too hard and she needed to talk or just have someone to sit quietly beside her that understood and felt the same the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. She was the only person that could calm him down when his rage at a perp or over a case became too much. He was there when boyfriends treated her badly, or when she needed advice on how to dump someone, like Brian Cassidy, a co-worker, after a one night stand. She always listened when he told her of his and Kathy's fights, trying to make him see Kathy's side. She cried on his shoulder when her mother died.
She had been like a little sister to him, he the overprotective big brother, ready to pound any guy that looked at her the wrong way. He had analyzed their relationship over and over but he could not pinpoint when it was his feelings for her began to change. He had no clue when it happened. What he did know was that those feelings were no longer brotherly in any way. He also knew that it would not be fair to anyone involved, for him to go back home when his head was so mixed up. Kathy was the mother of his four wonderful children, they shared almost 20 years of their lives together and for that he would always love her, but he was no longer in love with her. They fought all the time, had nothing in common, she hated his job and the time spent away from home. He never thought of her when they were apart. Olivia filled his mind and thoughts. Even if they spent 18 hours working together, when they went their separate ways, he found himself thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, and most of the time, calling her, even if it was just to say goodnight again. Yes, things had been volatile between them lately, at times to the point of splintering their partnership, but he thought he had finally figured out why. They were both fighting these feelings for each other, both scared that their partnership could not survive them crossing the line, becoming lovers. Scared of changing the dynamics that had worked so well until Kathy left him and all their carefully laid boundaries they had constructed over the years shifted without any warning to the occupants within their safety.
He decided to tell Kathy he changed his mind and need more time to think. But, before he could ever do that she came to the precinct and told him she was pregnant. As her words began to register in his brain, he felt the blood rush to his head and he thought he going to pass out or at least throw up right there in the precinct. One night. How he would pay for that one night. Then she had asked him to come home and though reluctant, he did as she asked. God, Olivia, why didn't I tell you I love you? Why did I sleep with her? Why did I go back home?