MERLIN'S DAUGHTER

By Lavender Gale

( Hello all, this is something I just started writing after seeing Merlin one evening. It is also a title of a poem I wrote about myself , not really related. Incidentally The name Ninianne, comes from the Mists of Avalon, a book by Marionne Zimmer Bradley and Taliesin was a bard mentioned in the old stories of Camelot. Also those of you that have read my twilight story…I will go back to it, life just got away from me. Thanks!)

The forest was the perfect place to hide from life. Under the green canopy of leaves and pine needles all time was forgotten. There was only light and dark, sunlight and shadow. This was the world Merlin preferred. It soothed his nerves to live life on such simple terms. Away from the grays and shades of humanity, to be able to think simply and live without the pain of life. This had been all Merlin had wanted for so long…but now, it left him empty.

Even now lying upon his back on the pine needle strewn ground among the towering pines that had sheltered him all these long months. Even then, with his eyes shut against the brightness of the sun he could see things.

They were not real, but they once had been. For the past cannot be kept out or escaped, run and hide though you might it will always find you. It was because of these visions that Merlin never knew peace, not asleep nor awake. Not in the green wood or the open meadow or the bustling streets of the cities. His mind and heart knew no rest and it was slowly turning his mind mad.

He had known peace once, long ago when he was very young. Not a boy, but not yet a man struggling to understand himself as well as life and neither were normal for him.

Merlin, was not the name he had been born with. The name was given to him as a child by his mother as a jest because of his habit of darting around and avoiding trouble at the last minute. Merlin, which means " Little, swift falcon". His other name he had never known, he had always been Merlin for as long as he could remember. As a child he never could have imagined that his name would be sung through history.

Yes, he had been happy then . Before Arthur, before Camelot, before Mordred and his mother Morgause and the whole rigamorole that went along with them. Living a quiet, simple life in his small village with his beloved mother..god rest her. It seemed like some distant dream now, one he could never dream again.

Happiness and contentment are two very different things. He may have been happy before Camelot, but he was never content. No that came with Arthur. Arthur had always been his other half, not a brother and not always a friend but a part of him. Arthur was his destiny.

Merlin's eyes flickered behind his lids as shadows darkened. The sunlight of his youth suddenly smothered with the grey clouds of battle. The cries of dying men replace the laughter of youth and Merlin sees again the battle field of Ardyrred. Ardyrred, devil take it. The Devil's land, field of blood and death and failure. Failure. His, Arthur's, the knights' and perhaps even fate it's self.

"What good is magic?" he thinks to himself, " If you cannot depend upon it when you need it most?"

Sealing his eyes closed against the images that refuse to fade, Merlin tosses his head from side to side. But in spite of his best efforts the images over take him and he falls reluctantly into sleep and the dreams of the past. "Twenty years…" he thinks before he surrenders, " Has it really only been twenty? It's hard to count when one year feels like an eternity, well, let the memories come. It's a lovely day…as good a day as any to suffer."

Camelot: Twenty years earlier.

"Arthur, I won't let you do this!"

"Merlin, let go of the horse, you know that never works."

A lot changes in ten years. People age, kingdoms change, Kings and Mentors die and pass on their power. In doing this they leave our futures to..god help us all…their heirs. So it went with Camelot, with King Uther's passing, Arthur became king and with his mentor Gaius's passing Merlin became a true wizard. That is he had no choice, no one was left to protect him.

BUT, some things never change. As the following scene unfolding was illustrating so vividly.

Arthur sat aboard his black war horse, dressed in his armor with the crest of Pendragon visible everywhere possible , his sword at his side. He struck a handsome and heroic figure untouchable, unstoppable. Well almost.

" Merlin, I am ordering you…let go of my horse!"

" Take off your helmet stone ears, did you not hear me? I'm not letting you do this!"

" Not letting me…Merlin, I am THE KING! We're not boys anymore, I've no time for these games."

Merlin let go of the horses bridal, "Forgive me, my KING." He said raising his hands in frustration, " But Arthur, answer me this…name one time, just one time, listening to me ever led you astray? Ever since our youth haven't I always had your best interest in mind?"

Arthur was silent for a moment. " Speak…but make it quick."

Merlin sighed, leaning on his wizard's staff. " That's all I wanted…thank you for not running me down this time."

"I never did that….at least not very often. Talk! I've no time to lose."

Merlin ran a hand through his hair and fixed his blue eyes on Arthur. " I'll get to the point then. Arthur, if you go to meet Mordred today you'll die."

Arthur was paying attention now, he motioned for his knights to go on ahead. Once they were alone he spoke slowly and carefully.

"Merlin…there was a time I would disregard a warning like that. But things have changed, I've seen them change..because of you. There's something about you…I always said that and whatever it is it seems to concern me. In short you have a knack for saving my arse…so…what makes you think Mordred would be planning my death?"

Where to begin? Sometimes the density of Arthur's skull absolutely baffled Merlin's mind. Was he not there when the child he saved years ago as a good deed, showed up in his throne room grown to man hood and announced that Arthur was his father? He had been there all right and he had accepted the boy based only on his word. It was true, Arthur had a fondness for the ladies but how could he not recognise this boy? There was only one child with eyes that particular shade of ice blue he was certain, then there was the smile. When he came into the throne room Mordred had looked right at Merlin and gave a little nod and a smirk of a smile as though letting him in on some little joke. Oh Arthur was dense all right. But he was equally stubborn and Merlin knew he wouldn't admit when he was wrong.

"I…I have seen it." He said importantly. Sometimes he thanked the gods that Arthur had found out Morganna was a seer, it softened his opinion of certain types of magic. In fact he'd come to believe Merlin was a seer, which he wasn't. At least not in the way Morganna was, what he saw he took from the world around him. Arthur dismounted and went close to Merlin.

"You know I take your visions very seriously…there was that business with the tower. You saved us a lot of trouble by seeing there was a river underneath."

"Oh yes and that went brilliantly when people realized I was a seer. You weren't actually going to LET them burn me were you?"

" I apologized for that! A king has to be diplomatic he can't do as his feelings dictate. Besides…you know I'd never let any harm come to you."

Merlin smiled grimly as Arthur looked away sheepishly, "I wouldn't allow any harm to come to you either..that's been my job for years now. Which is why I am begging you Arthur…send this Mordred away, chase him out if you must. But send others, not yourself."

"Merlin, he's my son. I owe him my trust."

"You owe him nothing!" Merlin looked at him desperately, " You wouldn't believe me when I said he was not your son…but Arthur, who is this Morgause? Do you even know her?"

" I must have. There were a lot of women Merlin, I'm not proud of that."

" Blast it Arthur! Don't you know the boy?" Merlin couldn't stand it anymore he had to tell him.

Arthur pursed his lips, " Of course I know him! He told me who he was the first night he came here! I could never forget that child…and yes Merlin, he still could be mine. Many women send their children off to foster…."

"You're dillusional! You're seeing what you want to see! We were barely men then, and don't think I don't know you'd barely kissed a girl then!"

Arthur looked behind him, " Merlin, you idiot…you are embarrassing me. I know my own son thank you." He took the reighns from Merlin's hand and mounted, " When last I looked it was King Arthur that ruled Camelot and not King Merlin."

" Arthur…please!"

"No, Merlin…this time I'm not listening and this time I'm right. Now let me pass, if you don't I'll run this horse right over you."

"No you won't." said Merlin moving aside. Arthur glared at him and put his visor down. "I don't need your help with this one, my friend. This is my mistake and I have to make it right."

No. Thought Merlin. This is MY mistake, I disobeyed the prophecy and now it's come back to haunt me just as the dragon said. Well there's more then one way to skin a cat or protect a king in this case. He watched as Arthur rode forth, then stole off toward the stable to saddle his horse. "Stay out of this Merlin" was such a broad statement. Technically he could still be staying out of it even if he followed him as long as he didn't catch him.

"BLAST!"

Merlin sat hunched on the ground, picking pine needles off of his robes and glaring at his twisted ankle. Fate was determined to stop him today. Fate in the shape of a rabbit that ran in front of his horse causing it to hurl him off onto the hard packed earth of the road. Merlin looked around, muttered a few words and he felt his ankle pop back into place. Leaning on his staff he rose, his horse was no where to be found. Merlin swore, luckily he was very close to where Arthur and his knights were headed. He took off at a run, for a man of thirty he was quite swift and he knew he would not be delayed long. But still he murmured a prayer to the God's he wouldn't be too late.

Merlin never forgot the sights of that day. Even in the short time it took him to arrive at Ardyred fate had found a way to thwart him. Mordred was not to be trusted, he had known that and he had told Arthur that. Never the less the thought of ambush had never crossed either of their minds. Naturally, it's exactly what occurred.

Mordred had acquired his own band of men and they had been lying in wait for Arthur and his knights. By the time Merlin burst out of the woods it was already over. Merlin stared in disbelief at the scene before him.

Under the grey sky the blood soaked ground had turned black. Bodies lay scattered like so much straw before a wind and Merlin could see the mark of Pendragon on them. "No…" Merlin whispered shaking his head, then again more forcefully. "NO!" He ran forward, his leather clad feet squelching in the blood soaked earth. His eyes were wild as he ran from body to fallen body.

Years later, Merlin could still remember the faces of the fallen. One by one he found them. " Cai,Pellinore, Gareth and his brother bold, loyal Gawain. Agravaine, Lancelot and his betrayer, his own son Gahlahad and even dear Sir Tristram who had so often confided in Merlin his torment over his forbidden love for Isolde. A love silenced forever now.

But as Merlin ran from body to body he seemed barely to register what he saw before him. He was searching for one face and one alone, the one who's armor bore the seal of the king of Camelot.

"ARTHUR!"

Merlin's cries rent the air, scattering the carrion birds that had already begun to gather around the field.

"Arthur! Where are you?"

So intent was he on his quest, Merlin barely noticed when he tripped over a body that had lain half hidden in tall grass. Kneeling Merlin turned the body over and saw the face of Mordred staring up at him, his ice blue eyes fixed in a dead stare. Merlin shuddered and closed them. Arthur had done it, he had killed Mordred. It was over! Hope filled Merlin for a moment, but only a moment. For as he rolled Mordred to the side another body was revealed and this one was clothed in Pendragon red.

"Arthur…" whispered Merlin in disbelief as he turned the body over. " Arthur!"

Suddenly there was a cough and a deep wheezing breath and Arthur stirred. Merlin feeling relief fill him raised Arthur on his arm, wiping the blood from his mouth and face. His tongue felt as though it were made of clay, he could not speak only stare stupidly at the scene before him. Arthur's lips moved soundlessly, Merlin spoke urgently.

"Arthur? "

Arthur seemed to be fighting with something unseen, for a time he struggled his face contorting then finally his lips moved again.

"Merlin…"

"I'm here…" said Merlin, "I'm here my king." There was no trace of sarcasm now, tears spilled from Merlin's eyes, he did not wipe them away. Arthur spoke painfully.

"Can't you ever do as you're told?"

Merlin smiled gravely, " Lie still…you'll be fine."

" Merlin.."

" Don't speak…let me see." Merlin gently removed the breast plate and lifted the chain mail, one look at the wound and Merlin knew it was mortal. But he wouldn't believe it. Arthur spoke again.

"Merlin, listen to me.."

" Hush!" Merlin spoke almost fiercely, "It will be allright…I'll find a way to…"

Arthur's voice was soft and sad, "Merlin…it's over."

With those words Merlin felt the weight of all the worlds fall upon his heart. He closed his eyes for a moment, struggling to find a solution.

"Arthur, don't say that."

Arthur grasped his arm, " It was a good try my friend…forgive me?"

Merlin found himself shaking his head, "Forgive you? Why? You should forgive me!"

"I wouldn't listen. I should have listened…now…look at what I've done."

Merlin put a hand to the side of his face, it felt cold and clammy as the air around. " You didn't do this..Mordred did and it isn't over…I can make things right."

" How?"

Merlin paused and took a deep breath.

"Magic." He said simply, " I can use magic."

Arthur looked at him wearily, " I know."

Merlin startled, " You do?"

"I've known what you are almost since I met you. I'm not stupid Merlin, how many coincidences can there be?"

" You knew…and you never.."

It was unspoken what Merlin meant. Arthur could have turned him in to king Uther for practicing magic, he could have had him killed. But he hadn't.

" No," said Arthur with a gasp, " I never did and I never would."

Merlin took Arthur's arm, then slowly he lay his hand on Arthur's wound. Arthur gasped, " What are you doing?"

" Just stay still. Trust me."

Arthur lay still and Merlin began to recite a spell. Chanting the words over and over again in a rhythm:

"Fratum es Fratum.

Fidelus um vitas es mori."

Translated the words were. "Brother to Brother, your's in life and death."

Merlin felt nothing, no rush of magical energy. No elating thrill of power, nothing. Finally his voice died out and slowly Arthur removed his hand from where it rested on his wound.

"I'm sorry, my friend."

Merlin was choking on tears, but finally he was able to speak. "I've failed you."

"I failed myself. Don't take it too badly Merl, you did the best you could."

Merlin's eyes flashed, " That's not good enough! Damn it, Arthur. You can't die! This isn't how it's supposed to end!"

" Apparently, it is. But you were right about one thing Merlin." Merlin felt something cool and Metalic slipped into his hands. He recognized the hilt of Excalibur, " It isn't over." Said Arthur, "Not as long as people keep remembering…that's your destiny now Merlin. Will you accept it."

" Arthur, please…please?"

" Consider it your last act of sacrifice on my behalf. "

Merlin grasped the sword, remembering the day he had drawn it from the lake where he had thrown it so long ago. He felt Arthur's hand slip over his own, grasping tightly.

"Do not forget me, my brother…remember…you ARE Camelot now."

Merlin kissed Arthur's brow. Too over come for words. Years later he would still recall the taste of his blood on his lips.

" Good bye, Merlin."

"Goodbye, my king."

"Arthur…say Good bye Arthur…"

"Good bye Arthur."

" Be well..my friend."

With that Arthur's eyes went blank and his head fell against Merlin's arm and Merlin knew he was gone. Such emotion filled Merlin that he felt he would burst, kneeling beside his fallen friend he wept freely. The field rang with his mourning sobs and suddenly a cry of agony burst from him. "WHY?!" he screamed his arms raised, "TELL ME WHY!" But there was no answer, he hadn't expected one. Slowly he rose and began walking back toward the forrest. He had never left.

The raucous call of a raven filled the glade sending the shadows in Merlin's mind scattering. Coming back to himself Merlin felt the tears in his eyes. "How dare he?" he thought, " How dare the fool put that on me? Is it my fault if my memory fails? We all grow old and what if I cannot bare to remember? What of it then? There's only so much a person can do to make people listen. " He rose slowly, the images fading into dark once more. "You are Camelot." Merlin snorted, " Then Camelot is a damn sorry place." He rose slowly feeling the cracks and pops that marked the beginning of age. Did Arthur not understand? That day he had lost his reason for living, his Destiny done what further use was he. He was forced to muddle on uselessly speaking to people that were too deaf or too stupid to understand and all the while feeling that over whelming sense of failure. After all those years of watching over Arthur, of saving him time and again and letting him take all the credit. After allowing himself to bond to the king…in the end he had failed to do what he was supposed to. He had failed to protect Arthur when it most counted.

Merlin opened his eyes slowly, reluctant to let the world in. " What is failure?" he asked the mottled green canopy above. Gaius and he had often discussed questions like this, it was an exercise meant to deepen thinking. Answering a question that has no answer.

For a moment he sat in silence trying to make the confused ramblings of his mind form coherent thought. He could almost hear his own irritated young voice saying, " This is pointless." Finally he began to think.

Failure is the inability to perform a task put to you. Failure is also failing to fulfill a promise, breaking ones word. Failure is also personal. What is Failure in my case? Failure is not saving the one person that meant the most to me. Failure is not being where I should have been and so failing to do what I should have done. Failure is ….me.

Merlin sat up wearily. He was not an old man in body, barely fifty, but in spirit he felt old beyond his years. Drooping wearily he made his way to his small hut made out of a cave in a rocky hillside. He entered the dim interior and lay down upon the low cot he'd fashioned out of pine bows and deer hyde. He pulled the thin wool blanket that had covered him for years over his aching body and closed his eyes . Staring at the blackness behind his eyes he waited. He did not sleep, he did not dream, he was simply still. Hours turned into days, and days into weeks and still he did not move. He knew nothing at this time, his mind was blank as a new piece of parchment and he welcomed it. He had thought too much for too long, he needed a rest. He needed peace. He needed nothingness. As the weeks went on, he could feel his power fading. He did not die, as he had suspected and hoped, only began to slowly become hollow, like a log devoured from the inside by beetles. Whole without, but no substance, it was a fate worse then death perhaps. But Merlin didn't care, the sun could have quenched it's golden light forever and the sea boil to steam and still Merlin would not have cared. For in his mind, he had nothing left to care about. After all, what is a man without a destiny? Yet, if he had no destiny why did he not die? These were all questions that Merlin may have thought in that empty silence, if he'd cared enough to. But he didn't and that was fine with him.

As is the way of things, if we hide from the world it comes and finds us. One day at twilight as Merlin lay in his silent hibernation, a sound so jarring it penetrated even his stupor, broke in upon him. It took him a moment to identify it's source. A knock. Some one was knocking on his door.

"Go away!" growled Merlin, " I've nothing for you and I've no use for visitors!" A few moments passed, then Merlin could hear the scraping sound of a stone being moved away. Was he dreaming? Someone had actually dared to unblock his door? He spoke again. " I don't know who taught you manners, but where I come from it's considered rude to enter without permission. If you're a thief, I'm sorry to disappoint you but what you see is what you get, if you're a beggar I have nothing to give you and if you're a murderer, what took you so long?"

There was silence, the faintest whistle of wind across stone. Then a voice spoke gently.

"Merlin?"

" I am Taliesin, Merlin is a myth."

" Merlin is you, Taliesin is the myth. You can't fool me, sly one."

The voice was a woman's, high with youth and naivete. But something in the tone was familiar.

"Vivianne?" Merlin felt his heart move for the first time in far too long, this was no stranger. "Vivianne is that you?"

A small, soft hand slipped into his own. He could smell the scent of roses and woodsmoke. The voice when it spoke again was tender, " I am not Vivianne."

Merlin let the woman's hand fall and he turned away. " Leave me in peace then. I have no interest in what you want to say."

" Merlin!" The voice spoke sharply, " I have come all this way, risked my life in this fowl forrest to see you. The very least you can do is look at me."

Merlin growled and opened his eyes, " I am Taliesan," he said stubbornly, " Merlin was a name for another life time. Merlin is dead."

"Merlin is right here in front of me and at the moment Merlin is being an idiot."

Merlin sat up then, his vision clearing. " Damn you, how dare you interfere with my misery? Can't a man wait in peace to die? Can't you see I don…"

Merlyn felt his breath catch suddenly, for the woman standing before was like a vision from the past. Her long chestnut hair may have been bound and her dress may have been more ornate but she was the image of his lost Vivianne, the woman he'd loved…the woman he'd lost. With one difference, when the child's eye caught the light of the fading sun Merlin could see they were brilliantly blue, like his own.

" Merlin?" asked the child, " Are you allright?"

Merlin opened his mouth, then closed it then repeated the process. Finally he spoke. "Who are you?"

"My name is Ninianne."

"Ninianne…" Merlin's voice was stupefied, he felt as though he had awoken from one dream into another. " Why have you come here, Ninianne?"

" My mother, spoke of a man named Merlin that she had loved. She said that should I need help to find him."

Merlin sighed. " I have loved many women, my dear. Many women, in many ways."

"But none in the way you loved her. You know of whom I speak."

Merlin chuckled to hide his discomfort, " I told many women that, as well."

" She seemed to know you very well. But no matter, will you help me or not?"

" Help you? I cannot even help myself!"

The girl bit her lip. " Merlin, Merlin, Merlin, what has become of you? People sing songs of you, write tales, you are as famous as Arthur now."

"Do not speak of Arthur Pendragon in my presence! " Merlin fell back, the force of his words sending him reeling. When he spoke it was in a pained way, " Why did you come here? I was perfectly comfortable feeling nothing, Why did you come and bring the past with you? What is it you want of me?"

" It does not matter now. Now I only want to help you."

" That I cannot grant you, I cannot be helped. I'm cursed."

Ninianne frowned, " So dramatic, Merlin. You're not cursed…you've cursed yourself. You miss Arthur, you mourn Arthur and Camelot and all that once was. I understand…but fate has not finished with you yet."

"How do you know? Are you some great seer?"

"No, it is obvious. Fate is not finished with you because you are alive."

Merlin was silent. He had not thought of that.

"But…I have no destiny."

"I think I can change that."

"Oh you can, can you? How?"

The girl seemed to hesitate, she looked away for a moment then met his eyes. " If you had another reason to live, another purpose, would you take it?"

" If It rained wine, would water be necessary? What difference would it make if I said 'yes' it is not so."

Another pause then the girl spoke again, " I can give you the purpose you seek, if you want it."

" You? You're just a girl…"

" I am more than just a girl. "

"Oh I see, A woman forgive me. Never the less…"

The girl raised her hand suddenly and uttering a short string of words sent a gust of wind blowing across Merlin, ruffling his long hair and tearing the blanket from him. Then with another word it was gone. Merlin stared at the girl in awe.

"Who ARE you?"

" My name is Ninianne. My mother was Vivianne of Avalon, guardian of the lake of Avalon and as you well know, she was your lover."

Merlyn felt himself tremble. " My daughter?"

Ninianne moved a step further timidly. "Yes,Father."