Disclaimer: BtVS is Joss's; I'm just playing here.
A/N: Short ficlet that I unearthed recently and thought I ought to get around to posting. Thanks to my beta, moviemom44.
Normalcy
He asked her once when and why it was that she'd stopped looking for normalcy. This was back in the first months of their renewed relationship, when they were asking all sorts of questions in order to sort out their myriad issues. It was towards the end of that period, though; earlier such a question would likely have been misunderstood. He wasn't questioning, "Why are you here, with me?" or "Why did you give up the life you deserved?" but simply wanted to understand why she was no longer trying for what he had always thought was her dream.
Buffy had smiled sadly in response, not sure whether to laugh or cry, because this was one thing he'd never quite gotten in all their time together. "I was never really looking for it."
When Angel just gave her one of the most confused looks she'd ever seen on him, she elaborated. "Everyone has things they wish for that they don't truly want. It was a nice fantasy. Whenever everything got too overwhelming, it seemed like it would be so much nicer not to have to deal with the things that went bump in the night. But if it were so, I wouldn't be me. Maybe in a different world, I could be something vaguely resembling normal. But not here. So long as there are demony things out there, my life is about fighting them."
She paused, not sure how to explain this. "Angel, remember my 18th birthday? When I lost my powers because of the Cruciamentum, and I was afraid my calling was a wrong number?"
"I remember everything that happened with you."
She smiled, and paused in her explanation to kiss him. Right answer.
"Then you remember how scared I was," she continued. "I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know how to deal with knowing the dark side of this world and not being able to do anything about it. I didn't know how to handle the possibility of becoming that shallow girl I'd been before I was Called. Does that sound like I was enjoying the chance to be normal?"
"So if you had the chance…?" he asked, beginning to understand.
Buffy smiled sadly again. "It wouldn't matter. I don't even know what normalcy is anymore. Sunshine and roses? 2.5 kids, a mini-van, and a white picket fence?" She laughed mirthlessly. "Can you really imagine that for me? I have things so much more important than that. A calling that truly makes a difference in the world. Friends who've seen my darkest depths, and still care for me." There was a bittersweet tang in her voice as she said this last, for she probably wouldn't have included it a bare month ago. For too long the Scoobies had tried to set aside their disputes without ever really addressing the issues behind them, and grievances from the last few of their years in Sunnydale had built up to cause great rifts – rifts that only now had they finally mended. Buffy sighed and continued. "Knowing my purpose in life – how many people can say that? And, oh yeah, true love." She smiled with real warmth for the first time.
She shouldn't have been surprised that he seemed slightly shocked at her last words, but she was. Sometimes it was easy to forget how deep his self-doubt ran. (And to think he'd actually improved on that count!) So she continued, "The normalcy thing never had to do with you, Angel. When I'm with you I feel … safe. Loved. Important not for being the Slayer but for just being Buffy. When I'm with you, it doesn't seem to matter that the world is full of darkness, because I'm untouchable here. You've always been the one freaky thing in my freaky world that really makes sense."
He seemed saddened and pleased at the same time. "Wish I'd known that before," he murmured, probably not intending for her to hear.
But she did. "Hey," she said sharply. "I thought we agreed not to torture ourselves with what-ifs. We have each other now, and that's what matters."
"Right," Angel echoed. "That's what matters."