While the two winged porcupine men and the giant rat-man planned their attack, this bit of nonsense went on.
"What's this all about, people?"
Phillip Broyles looked and sounded impatient. Who could blame him?
When there's a bridge between two worlds, it prevents those two worlds from being destroyed, and it's easy for people to move back and forth between those two worlds.
But it can mean other problems, and Broyles faced one of those now.
"It's Mister Monk," someone in the group said. Actually, more than one someone spoke up.
Broyles sighed. Actually, it was more like he kind of sighed, that he looked like he sighed without actually doing so.
While kind of sighing, he joined two flat dark palms together and straight up in a kind of prayer pose. His dark eyes seemed to pierce Adrian Monk, the nervous-looking one.
With the exception of that Adrian Monk, the Fringe agents and their consultants from both worlds, leaned forward with mouths open, eager to speak.
Before they could, Broyles gave them all a sharp look as he spoke in his usual authoritative crisp cool voice.
"Before we get into this, I want to be perfectly clear about something. Especially with you, Mister Monk." Broyles focused penetrating dark eyes on the San Francisco detective from the other world. "We may invite you over here for your expertise. But I will only tolerate your eccentricities and shenanigans to a certain degree. Is that clear?"
"Yes," Monk said weakly.
"Good. Now instead of all of you talking at once, why don't you tell me the situation, Agent Dunham?"
That would be Fringe Agent Olivia Dunham from the Other Side.
There is some debate as to which of the two worlds is "the other side." Naturally, if you live on one world, you consider yours "the real world." The Other Side is a bizarre illegitimate copy, a wrong path. It's the Other Side, a place where people only kind of sort of do things.
For our purposes here, the Other Side is a place where Olivia Dunham has long red hair, both Charlie Francis and Adrian Monk have medical spiders, and the Secretary of Defense is Walter Bishop. In contrast to the Walter Bishop who discovered another world and crossed over into it.
But for now, let's return to Agent Dunham from the Other Side. She is also known as Fauxlivia or Bolivia. You could even call her Alt-livia. No one does but you can.
Whatever you call her, she smiled just a little bit. It was a kind of sassy, saucy smile (much like Broyles' kind of sigh). The smile went well with Fauxlivia's long red hair and shiny purple jumpsuitt . Features that Broyles did not sport, whether sighing or not.
In fact, because of her shiny jumpsuit, you could give Fauxlivia a sword and she could be a red-haired version of Uma Thurman's character in "Kill Bill."
For now, not-Uma-Thurman Fauxlivia gave informal testimony.
"First, there was a problem with Mister Monk from the other side-"
"You're from the other side," Monk insisted. If one can insist while mumbling.
"-in that he didn't want to go near our Charlie Francis. He said, 'Get away, you've got spiders in you.' Then he didn't want to go near our Mister Monk. Same thing. He said, 'Get away. You've got spiders in you.'"
"That's just how he is," Natalie Teeger said.
"We're well aware, Miss Teeger. Let Agent Dunham continue."
"Thank you, sir. Natalie was another problem," Fauxlivia said, nodding to Monk's assistant. "The other Natalie. She said she might want to get the red hair like our Natalie has. Mister Monk said, 'We already have one of her. I need you to stay the way you are. Don't change, Natalie.'"
The others tittered not only at the way Alt-Liv captured Monk's voice but his kind of mumbling manner of speaking.
"I changed my mind on the red hair," Natalie said.
"Thank you, Natalie," Monk said in a hoarse voice, as if he had not drunk any Sierra Springs in a while.
Alt-Charlie-Francis leaned forward and whispered in Natalie's ear. "That'd be a good look for you, Nat."
"Uh, thanks?" Natalie tensed up slightly.
Broyles looked even more impatient. "I'm failing to hear any kind of threat here, people."
Fauxlivia kind-of took in a breath. "I heard Mister Monk say he was going to kill our Mister Monk."
Broyles did not have to ask how credible this was. He considered Agent Dunham very credible as well as outspoken.
"This was right after Mister Monk and I argued which side was actually the other side."
"Your side is," Monk said.
"It's a matter of perspective, obviously," Natalie said. Now Broyles glared at her, and Natalie looked slightly fearful.
Here, Alt-Astrid spoke up. Alt-Astrid with her big wide blank dark eyes who spoke in a kind-of monotone.
"What Mister Monk actually said was, 'How do you live with those spiders inside you?' And our Mister Monk said, 'Ever since I got these spiders, I've gotten a lot tougher.' And the other Mister Monk said, "It would be better to be dead than have spiders inside. Here, let me kill you myself.'"
"He was joking," Natalie insisted. "Well, kind of."
"I don't joke about spiders," Monk mumbled.
Broyles sighed deeply. For real this time. As director of Fringe Division, and a general to boot, he would normally not deal with complaints of verbal threats. That would be done by HR or a low-level supervisor. But since this was a joint operation involving agents and consultants from both worlds, he was the one who had to handle the matter.
The general rendered his judgment.
"I've known Mister Monk, our Mister Monk, a long time, even before he had the medical spiders put inside him. I know he can get neurotic about certain things, even now. It's the same with the other Mister Monk. There are things he doesn't like and he says something ill-advised. This appears to be one of those ill-advised things."
In place of banging a gavel, Broyles shut the laptop on his desk. "There's no real threat here. Everyone get back to work. There are real threats out there." He pointed.
As the group filed out of Broyles' office, with Broyles kind of quietly grumbling behind them, Natalie gave Fauxlivia a sharp look.
"Did you do that on purpose, just to be a smart aleck?" she asked. Fauxlivia simply smirked.
"Actually, it was me."
The one who spoke was Natalie Teeger from the Other Side.
Or Alt-Natalie for short. Or Alt-Nat for even shorter. (Which Alt-Astrid preferred for efficiency.) (Not that Alt-Astrid referred to anyone by name but she did prefer short names for written reports.) Alt-Nat sported the same long red hair as Fauxlivia as well as the shiny purple jumpsuit, not to mention a smile that was sassy, saucy and sexy.
"You?" Natalie seemed taken aback. It was not the first time she had encountered her doppelganger but each time it was jarring. She didn't know whether to be repulsed or intrigued with the direction her other self had taken.
"I get a little tired of your Mister Monk and his little eccentricities, his quirks, his things." With one hand on her hip, Alt-Nat tilted her head back and forth as he chanted in a sing-song voice.
"We all are," Fauxlivia said.
"Maybe he should have spiders put inside him so he'll toughen up."
At this comment from Fauxlivia, Monk made gagging noises. After she calmed Monk down, Natalie put a hand on her hip.
"What kind of person are you to say something like that?"" She then gestured tp Alt-Nat's hair and outfit. "And what kind of example is this for your daughter? Not very original," Natalie insisted. She had seen the other Julie with the same long red hair, shiny purple jumpsuit, excessive eye makeup, and bored pouting look.
Alt-Nat's eyes narrowed slightly. "Olivia Dunham is one of the greatest role models in our world." Next to her, Fauxlivia offered a brief sassy smile as she tilted her head. "I'm proud that she moved to San Francisco."
When more fringe events popped up in San Francisco than Boston (it was suspected that these events were engineered by Dale "the Whale" Biederbeck), Fringe Division moved to San Francisco. And that meant the occasional involvement of Adrian Monk and even Adrian Monk from the other world. The one who didn't have spiders living inside him. Not yet anyway.
"It also seems like you jump from job to job," Natalie said. Before working as Alt-Monk's assistant, Alt-Natalie worked in a pizza place with two guys, one who looked like Richard Castle and another who looked like Ryan Reynolds. It was one of many jobs Alt-Natalie held.
Alt-Nat shot back. "And what about your Mister Monk coming here just because he'd learned our Trudy was trapped in amber?"
"Yes, other Natalie. What about that?" When Alt-Monk spoke, it made Natalie think of when her Mister Monk was on pills, when he became the obnoxious fellow he called "the Monk." Only Alt-Monk sounded more macho.
"Well, of course Mister Monk would want to meet some version of Trudy. Where's your compassion?"
"I'd rather he not try to steal my Trudy."
"He wouldn't do that! Besides, she's in amber!" Though Natalie sounded exasperated, she felt sympathy for those in amber and their loved ones. Before the bridge between two worlds was built, there were events that threatened to destroy the fabric of the other side. Damage could only be contained by covering those areas in amber and that meant freezing and trapping the people in that area.
"I hope your Trudy wasn't caught in a car bomb explosion just as she was put in amber."
"No, she wasn't."
"Well, that's what happened to Trudy on our world. Not the amber, The car bomb."
Natalie saw how Alt-Monk suddenly looked grief-stricken, much as her own Mister Monk would.
As the group headed out in different vehicles, Natalie whispered to her boss and friend, "I'm with you, Mister Monk. Let's solve this case and get out of here."
"Let's," Monk said.
They arrived at the Golden Gate lab, so named because it offered a great view of the Golden Gate Bridge, something Walter Bishop insisted on. This lab was where Walter investigated fringe events and performed his scientific miracles, which usually involved communicating with dead bodies. But he;d also been known to cure some people.
The lab had been arranged by Secretary of Defense Walter Bishop on the proviso he have no further personal contact with the other Walter. The lab was used not only by Walter Bishop of the other world but FBI agents Olivia Dunham and Astrid Farnsworth, and special consultant Peter Bishop, Walter's son.
Olivia looked slightly worried as she whispered to Natalie, "I have to agree with my counterpart. Our Mister Monk is a bit of a pain."
"Maybe, but he gets results," Natalie countered. "Mister Monk always gets his man."
"It's true," Astrid said.
Peter shrugged. "I think he's okay."
"At least someone does."
Peter grinned. "Not just me, Natalie. He has one other big fan over here."
Walter looked up from his beakers, which meant he could be growing an ear in what looked like an omelet, or he could simply be concocting a tastier chocolate milkshake.
In either case, as he looked up at his visitors, Walter focused on one and smiled broadly.
"Mister Monk!" he exclaimed. "I'm working on some lab samples. Would you care for some vanilla ice cream?"
"With lab samples? No, thank you." Monk practically shuddered.
"Most people would be grossed out by that, Walter," Peter said.
Grinning, Walter raised an index finger. "Yes, true. But Mister Monk is not most people."
"That's true," Olivia said.
"He's special. Unique," Astrid said.
"Thank you, Astrid," Natalie said.
"Can I be special and unique back on my own world?" Monk whined.
"Yes, you can," Natalie said. "Once we catch these guys." Monk shuddered again.
Fauxlivia leaned in and hissed to Natalie. "He's persnickety."
Natalie made a face. "Persnickety? Does anyone even use that word anymore?"
"They brought it back just for your Mister Monk," Fauxlivia said drily.
As Natalie kind-of pouted, or wore a kind of pouting look, Walter smiled and nodded. "Great to see you, Mister Monk. And Natalie! Agent Francis, Agent Lee. Bolivia," he said, narrowing his eyes. "The other Mister Monk. All of you! Astro. The other Astro."
"Good to see you, too, Walter," Alt-Nat said pointedly.
"Ah, yes. Who are you?" Walter asked. "There are so many of you right now."
"At least someone is being nice to Mister Monk," Natalie murmured.
"And naturally, that would be Walter," Fauxlivia grumbled. "They are both crazy."
"I'm not," Peter said.
Just as it looked as if Peter and Fauxlivia might rumble, Astrid placed a file before Walter. "Here are those D-N-A results."
Walter seemingly only had to glance at the file. "Yes, just as I suspected. Using your insights and analysis from earlier, Mister Monk, and my own lab work, I have deduced the obvious conclusion. Ha! I am a detective like you."
"More like defective," Fauxlivia said in a low voice.
"Or nuts," Alt-Nat mumbled. Natalie jabbed her with her elbow, and afterward thought how strange it was to, in a sense, jab herself.
Walter went on, unperturbed. Or some would say, oblivious. "Our porcupine man with the wings is none other than Steve Wagner."
Peter made a face. "Who's Steve Wagner?"
"He was very famous on our world, Peter," Walter said.
"I may have missed him while investigating fringe cases."
"Quite all right, son."
Lincoln Lee spoke up. To clarify, that would be Lincoln Lee of the Other Side. Or Alt-Linc.
"Steve Wagner used to be one of the most popular celebrities on our world," he said.
"Next only to Olivia," Alt-Nat said, sticking her tongue out at Natalie. Natalie stuck her tongue out back at her.
"Oh, yeah," Alt-Charlie said. "The astronaut. Give us more background, boss." Alt-Charlie had a way of saying "boss" that sounded almost insubordinate.
Recognizing this, Alt-Line grinned. "No problem, 'subordinate.' After his last mission when he came back from space, Steve Wagner fell on some pretty tough times."
"If you call being exposed falling on tough times." Fauxlivia folded her arms casually as she spoke authoritatively. "An ex-girlfriend wrote a book. One chapter was about their affair."
"It's all in the file," Astrid said. "Which I went to get. And I prepared."
"Thanks, Astrid," Natalie said.
"Thank you, Natalie."
"I'm guessing Wagner didn't get an advance copy of this book," Peter said.
"On my world, he did," Monk said. "And he murdered the poor girl using a doll, a remote control, and a garage door opener."
"Just like our victim over here," Fauxlivia said. She looked thoughtful, or maybe confused. "But why do it that way if you're a porcupine man?"
Alt-Monk spoke in a cool casual voice. "Because no one expects a porcupine man to have brains."
"There's a question about Wagner's brains." Alt-Charlie sounded more cynical than usual. "Once he fell on tough times, he signed up for experiments with Massive Dynamics."
"How awful," Monk groaned.
Once again, Natalie made a face, one more of amusement than disgust. "You have a lot of that over here, don't you? People being experimented on."
"It probably happens on your world, too," Alt-Charlie said. "You just don't know about it. 'Nat.'" When he said the name, he conveyed both contempt and flirtatiousness.
"I don't want to know about it," Monk said in an almost tearful voice. "And would you get away from me with your spiders?"
As Monk waved him away, Charlie kind-of sighed and kind-of stalked off.
Astrid spoke gently. "Here, Adrian. Look at this file. It might help you feel better."
Instead, Monk retreated into a memory, a bizarre one. It was the time he met the Leland Stottlemeyer of this world—the bizarre Other Side—who rode a motorcycle while wearing a sleeveless vest and a helmet with a spike. He explained that he got tired of all the regulations holding him back from catching the bad guys and that working outside the system gave him more freedom to help more people.
Monk simply shuddered at that, as he did Leland'a associates. Working with Alt-Leland were Randy Disher and Sharona Fleming. Randy had been turned into a fish-man who could swim very quickly, like a torpedo, and Sharona was a kind-of mermaid who could swim right beside him. Leland also employed former police officers now turned bike gang members, along with reformed bike gang members. Some of them were animal people.
When a shuddering Monk emerged from this memory, Walter was prattling on.
"It makes sense: each Steve Wagner is identical genetically. Therefore, they would think the same way and resort to the same method of murder."
"To you, it makes sense, Walter," Peter said.
"Yes, that does make sense," Monk mumbled. "Help me."
"We've got other problems," Alt-Linc said, sharper and louder than Monk. "Even when Steve Wagner is in human form, he;s super-strong"
"And almost like Superman," Alt-Monk said. "You can shoot at the guy, the bullets barely phase him."
"Whether he's in porcupine man mode or human mode," Faulivia said.
"And he's able to switch back and forth," Alt-Astrid said, still wide-eyed and monotone.
"Kind of like the Hulk and that drifter he turns back into," Peter said. One might wonder if Peter was on this case simply for superhero references.
"Oh, the Hulk," Monk groaned.
Olivia held up a picture of two mug shots of Steve Wagner.
"And now that Steve Wanger from our world has crossed over, he's gotten himself turned into a flying porcupine man with wings."
"Isn't one enough?" Monk protested weakly.
"It was done through an injection from Steve Wagner over here on our side," Alt-Linc said, still loud and authoritative,
"Apparently, his D-N-A, namely his blood, can turn other people into porcupine people," Peter said, proving he was more than superhero references.
"Yes," Alt-Linc said sharply. "The two of them plan to inject and expose large segments of the population, who will then go on to infect others. Mainly through bites. They could create an entire world of porcupine people. Only we stand in their way."
"This will stop them," Walter said, holding up a stainless steel rifle. "This contains an antidote to make Steve Wagner completely human. The weapon uses enough force to penetrate his thick skin. He won't be like Superman, or the Hulk!" He smiled. "You're all armed with these. And so are some people out there." He pointed to the door.
"I'd like to go home now," Monk whimpered.
Natalie rose. "Let's go."
"Yeah, no problem," Peter said. "We'll take you there now, Mister Monk."
"Thank you, Peter."
"We'll make sure you're both safe." Olivia offered a light smile.
"Thank you, Olivia," Natalie said. She leaned in and whispered. "You're much nicer than the other Olivia."
Suddenly, Monk went unconscious. When he woke up, he was next to his counterpart. Olivia was there and Peter as well, But they were frozen in amber along with Alt-Linc, Alt-Charlie, Fauxlivia, both Astrids, and both Natalies.
There was someone else with them, very much free of the amber, very large, very much covered with gray fur. Like a giant rat.
"Hello, Adrian." The rat talked!" "Both Adrians," he/it said, or sneered.
"Dale the Whale!" the two Monks exclaimed simultaneously.
Dale the Whale now Rat nodded casually and launched into his story.
"Ever since my mother was trapped in amber, I ate and ate until I couldn't move. Then I thought, why not invest in fringe science?" Dale gestured to his large furry gray body. "Behold! I can move on my own once again. And I'm strong, Adrian. Very strong!" He clenched his clawed fists while baring his fanged teeth under an unkempt beard.
Alt-Monk started to move forward, staggered a little. Dale pointed a device.
"Don't do it, Adrian. This isn't like the knockout device I used earlier." He tilted his head. "Those spiders that keep you alive? This'll kill them."
Both Monks stood with their hands up, the nervous Monk with shoulders hunched up.
"With your friends in amber, you two are on your own. Here your friends will stay. Except Natalie Teeger. I'll make her a coffee table in my apartment. And maybe Olivia Dunham, too." After smirking, Dale waved the device. "You two are free to go. Go now. Unless of course, Adrian, you'd like to join your beloved Trudy in amber, maybe right here next to-Wait. Walter Bishop. Where is Walter Bishop?" Dale roared and snarled as he retreated into the non-amber recesses of the lab.
As Dale continued to shout in the distance, Monk whispered to Alt-Monk, "Let's get out of here."
"It's a trap," Alt-Monk muttered tersely.
"Of course it is. But we might find a way to survive it so we can help the others. Especially Natalie."
Monk looked almost grief-stricken as he stared at the sight: Natalie with both fists up, like she was trying to fight her way out of the amber. And a look on her face like she was panicked and shocked, though the amber shrouded her face.
From down the hall, Dale screamed. "What are you two waiting for? Get out of here! Get out now!" His loud voice took on a tough almost strangled quality. "Or I'll kill those spiders in you!"
"We have to go, to save you," Monk said.
They went out.
Once they did, they were immediately snatched up by flying creatures who carried them out over the bay, toward the Golden Gate Bridge.
"Not this!" Monk shouted. "Please, put me in amber instead!"
"Let him go!" Alt-Monk shouted. "I'm the one you want!"
The one holding Monk spoke calmly. "It doesn't really matter, gentlemen." The creature holding Monk had the body of a porcupine along with giant bat wings, and the head of Steve Wagner complete with furry rat ears. "We'll play with you for a while then we'll dispose of you."
"What are you, a cat?" Monk shouted.
Before anyone else could think of some witticisms, Steve Wagner cred out and suddenly he was a mere man and falling, Monk with him.
Once he made impact with the water, Monk thrashed his arms wildly, struggling to stay afloat. Growling harshly, Steve Wagner put a muscular arm around Monk's neck and applied pressure. But then Wagner went limp: Monk saw the syringe in Wagner's neck. That was just before Monk felt someone grab him and move like a torpedo across the water.
Once ashore, Monk staggered a little as he shouted, "I'm wet! I'm wet!"
"But I'm alive," he gasped as he fell to his knees. Then he looked at a dripping wet Randy Disher with gills just below his rib cage.
"Mister Monk," Alt-Randy said cordially. Whereas Monk panted furiously, more from fear than physical exertion, Alt-Randy breathed normally, his gills opened and closed in a casual manner.
Next to Randy was Alt-Monk with mermaid-like Sharona.
"Hello, Adrian," she said. "Or should I say Adrians?" She formed a toothy smile.
Alt-Monk was only a little out of breath. The two Steve Wagners, both fully human and struggling to swim (flying porcupine men apparently don't get much experience swimming), were being fished out of the water by other members of Leland's motorcycle gang.
Leland himself sauntered down the beach, holding what looked like a stainless steel rifle.
"Walter equipped us with the antidote and these 'delivery systems.'" He held out the steel rifle. "Steve Wagner's nothing but a normal guy now. Both of him!"
"How'd you happen to be here?" Alt-Monk asked. "Not to be ungrateful or anything." He spread his arms out as he offered a little grin.
"I'd be grateful if you had stopped the whole thing." Monk panted.
Under his giant mustache, Leland smiled. "Walter asked us to keep an eye on the place." He then turned to Monk. "You see, Adrian-From-The-Other-World? Sometimes you accomplish more working outside the system."
When Alt-Leland perched his rifle on his shoulder, Monk threw his hand up and flinched like he might be shot.
"I'm glad you were here, Leland," Alt-Monk said, giving his friend a pat on the shoulder.
"I'm glad, too, Spider-Monk," Leland said.
"Your world is much too strange," Monk groaned. "You all need to come with me. To my world." He gestured weakly.
"We appreciate that, Adrian," Leland said with his casual good cheer. "But we have work to do here."
"Oh, good," Monk said. "We don't need strange people over there."
"Too late," Sharona said. "They already have you." Randy, Leland, Alt-Monk and the others laughed.
Back at the lab, the two Monks found a number of strange things. One was that their friends were out of the amber. Plus, Dale was fully human, sitting on the floor like a giant helpless baby. And pouting and crying just as much until Astrid sedated him.
Peter cheerfully explained. "Not only did Walter invent an antidote for the animal people but he found a quick easy way to get people out of amber. Sometimes, leaving him to work on his own is a good idea. Not often but it happens." In his black coat, Peter grinned and shrugged.
Holding a stainless steel rifle and a green remote control, Walter wore his broadest smile of the day. "I've learned my lesson from when I've used this lab in the past." He pointed up with the remote control. "I've set up warning alarms and intruder alerts."
"That only he can hear, for some reason," Peter said.
"And multiple escape routes!" Walter declared, raising a triumphant index finger once again.
"You know, Walter, you could have told us about the alarms and the escape routes," Peter said.
Walter laughed. "I could have but there was no time. I'm sorry I had to let Dale put some of you in amber but I knew it wouldn't be for very long."
"That was probably the best way to trick him," Natalie surmised.
"It was scary," Monk said.
"You weren't in amber," Alt-Nat snapped.
"It was still scary," Monk said. "And you aren't as nice as my Natalie."
"I'm not trying to be."
"Good. Because you aren't succeeding."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do."
"Time out, you two," Fauxlivia said.
"At least I didn't end up as a coffee table," Natalie said.
"Me, either," Olivia said.
"None of us did," Monk sighed with relief.
Walter smiled. "Peter, do you think the F-B-I will let me have a gun now?"
"No, Walter. In fact, I don't think you or Mister Monk should be allowed to have a gun."
"Stick to your inventions," Natalie said. "They're helpful."
Walter smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Natalie."
With a thoughtful look, Alt-Monk turned to Monk. "Maybe you shouldn't have a gun. But if we can get people out of amber, maybe there's someone you should meet. As long as I'm there."
Some time later, Monk found himself approached by Trudy. She looked just as sincere and loving as his own Trudy.
"Adrian," she said softly as she walked toward him. "My Adrian told me about the other world. I don't pretend to understand it all. But I'm very glad to meet you."
When she extended her hand, Monk grasped it with both his hands. His dark eyes were moist.
The situation was obviously startling and difficult for Monk, so Natalie stood nearby, along with Alt-Monk.
Trudy looked just as young as she did in Monk's daydreams and frequent bouts of imagination. It made sense. The amber had preserved her so she never aged..
"It's very good to meet you," Monk whispered. His shoulders went up, and he turned his head a little as he sniffled. "Maybe this world isn't completely bad, after all."