He looks at her and sees the universe.
He would know, he's seen the universe in its entirety more than once and when he looks into her eyes he sees the reflection of his past. He sees his past as a battlefield, as a broken mirror where the shards cut his fingertips when, if he ever, tries to clean it up. But not in her eyes, in her eyes he sees his past, his past and the universe are one and the same, he sees his past as an oddly beautiful, a twisted, beautiful thing.
Her eyes look sad, as if she's searching for something she's lost, and he knows, he knows what she's looking for. It makes his stomach wrench and his lips tremble that he can't be the one to give it to her, that he can't be the only to heal her wounds and hold her tight. She's looking for something he can't give her, he can give her all of time and space, but he can't give her this.
She's looking for Rory. He sees it in her eyes and in the way she breathes, he's known and he's always known that they belong together. They're Amy and Rory and they belong together. It's as simple as that and it will always be that way. They will always find their way back to one other. That's just what they do. And he won't get his happy-ever-after.
He's known, he's always known, that he won't get his happy-ever-after, no matter what he does, or what he says, how many universes he saves or planets he rebuilds, he's the lone soldier, picking up the pieces of broken civilisations. He's universes repairman; he helps, and then he leaves. And he wonders, and he wonders, if this will always be the way. If he's repaid his debt to society and fixed all his terrible wrongs.
And he wonders if it's wrong to ask for this. If it's wrong to ask for a happy-ever-after. And if it's even more wrong to ask for her. Amy Pond, his saviour. She came to him in his hour of need, in the blinding darkness that surrounded him, and she was the light. Even at the age of seven, she found him and she saved him. And fourteen years later she does it day after day. She helps carries to the overwhelming load on his shoulders.
And then, of course, he wonders (he knows) that she's better off without him, that he keeps the sorrow around her and that he should set her free. That it's unfair that he makes her suffer with him and that he should make her leave and leave himself to be consumed by the sadness inside of him. She's his only friend. The only person in this world who he can look at and not feel overwhelming guilt for screwing up some part of their life (but he still does), he hates himself for leaving her as a broken soul, looking desperately for the missing pieces, and the more he thinks about this the more he thinks that he should force her to remember Rory.
Maybe in some other reality, he wonders, he hopes, like there's a reality where he and Rose grow old together, there's another where Donna remembers his name, maybe, just maybe, there's one where Amy Pond and her Raggedy Doctor are allowed to be together. That he is allowed, finally, after so much, and after gaining almost nothing, that he's allowed this.
He convinces himself that he's jealous of the happy-ever-after they get. He convinces himself that he's jealous of hugs and the kisses. Of the lingering glances and the holding of hands. Of the ability to trust someone to help you lift your burden (and not without them knowing). Of being able to grow old together and to have a family together. But he's not jealous of any of that, he's jealous of the who. He's lived for nine hundred years, jealousy runs through his veins, and in him more than most. He's a fickle, cynical being, he knows, and he knows that he's the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.
And to bring it onto her, the woman he loves so much? Oh, he hates himself so much for that. More than for anything else he's ever done. It's that loathing, that self-hatred, that brings him to this decision. He's not allowed his happy ending, he can't have his happy ending, because it's not hers. He knows what her happy ending is and it's because he loves her so very much that he has the ring in his pocket because he knows in his hearts that this is the right thing to do.
He'll give her her happy ending.
AN: This just sort of popped in my head...And yeah...
Hope you enjoyed it (first time writing ff for something other than Harry Potter.
Reviews will make me happier than cookies.
Don't own anything, as usual, all credit goes to the BBC!