"The sound of it was like a grace"- Story 2 of the series Terrible Faith.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Nor are the excerpts from authors. Due respect to
the creative forces! Toby-centric, with a good deal of Josh. Filter1970
* * * * * * *
The thing that gave me the mos' trouble was, it didn' make no sense.
You don't look for no sense when lightnin' kills a cow or it comes up a
flood. That's jus' the way things is. -Tom Joad
With darting and apprehensive eyes, Toby Ziegler walked into his office for the first time in nearly a week, carrying a cold coffee like a shield and not acknowledging the choruses of "Hey, welcome back!" calls that greeted him. He knew they would all allow him some room, and certainly no one expected their surly boss to have transformed after the longest vacation he'd had in years. Forced vacation, Toby thought wearily. He closed his door behind him, tossed his bag on the sofa, and collapsed next to it. Closing his eyes, Toby allowed himself to relax physically, the better to allow his mind to race.
After burying his mother more than a week and a half ago, Toby had found himself unable to concentrate, subject to severe vertigo, and without any appetite. He'd struggled gamely along, ignoring his body's distress signals until he was crippled by nightmares and vertigo of a nauseous caliber. As usual, he'd called CJ-she'd dragged him in to her doctor, who'd determined Toby's iron levels were low, he was dehydrated, and his blood pressure was rather high. Some rest, medication, and food had set him mostly back on track, and he'd convinced CJ that he could come to work for a half-day. She'd brought him in and watched him make his way to his office, dubious.
When he'd been sidelined by the grief and his exhausted body's reaction to it, Toby had been shocked. He'd never given much thought to his body, priding himself on his stamina but otherwise not doing much to maintain it. It was as much a matter of convincing himself he'd be fine as it was taking medicine, eating well, and sleeping. He'd wake in CJ's huge bed with a start at night, worried he wouldn't be able to speak or move, images of his young adulthood paralyzing accident fading back into the nightmare. She'd been remarkably kind and patient, and part of Toby knew he'd come back for a half-day too early because he couldn't watch CJ worry anymore.
A faint tap on his door made him sit up a little. "Come in."
Josh Lyman opened the door slowly and peeked in, a smile gathering force on his face as he saw Toby on the sofa. "Hey, Toby," he said, his voice more gentle than usual. Toby smiled slightly in return.
"Josh-come in."
The Deputy Chief of Staff moved into the room and shut the door again, leaning against it in the remarkably boyish manner he had. "It's good to see you back," Josh commented, his smile threatening to crack his face. Toby noted Josh's dimples were quite apparent, then wondered why he'd noticed.
"It's nice to be seen," Toby answered, standing and taking off his coat. Josh observed with hidden apprehension the ill-fitting suit jacket. My god, he's lost some serious weight, Josh thought. Toby tossed his coat on the sofa and sat back down. "You gonna sit?"
Josh plopped into a chair opposite Toby and leaned forward. "How you feeling?"
"Ah. Well, I certainly feel better than I did a week ago. I'm doing the good stuff, you know. Eating, sleeping, taking the pills. You?" Toby smiled at Josh.
"I'm good, man," Josh said with a laugh. "I kinda liked doing the briefings. CJ's worried about what I screwed up, but who really needed Canada anyhow?"
Toby laughed, surprising himself. He liked Josh, liked his political savvy mixed with an irrepressible boyish glee. Josh and Sam Seaborn made a good team, though Toby didn't think anyone could be more boyish than Sam.
"I'm sure she'll fix it. And if not-well, most of us are lawyers anyway. Hey-Josh, did Leo or the President say anything about my, uh, you know, situation while I was gone?"
Josh considered, then lied. "Nah. Leo asked where you were staying, that's all." The truth was that either Josh or Sam would get a phone call twice a day asking for updates on Toby. The calls had made Sam a nervous wreck, and Josh had tried to call Leo and give an update before being called. He wondered if Toby knew he was lying.
Toby did. He thought about calling Josh on the bad bluff, then reconsidered. He knew Josh wouldn't lie without a reason, and wasn't ready to ask. "Thanks. How's Sam holding up? I felt guilty leaving him all the work."
Josh waved his hand. "Ah, you know Sam. He's okay. A little frazzled, but he's fine."
"Good. Have either of you slept lately? It does wonders for you," Toby said with a smile.
Laughing, Josh leaned back in his chair. "That's what I hear. you must have gotten in some good sack time-um, yeah."
Toby noticed Josh's eyes had flickered up and above his head, and turned to look. Sam Seaborn was standing and gesturing to Josh through the glass. He stopped when he saw that Toby had noticed him and smiled sheepishly. Opening the door, he stepped in and stood awkwardly.
"Hi Sam," Toby said shortly. He took in his deputy's appearance and thought wow, he looks exhausted. And worried.
"Toby, how ya doing? Good to see you back." Sam was grinning, but looked tightly wound.
"I'm okay. Thanks. And thanks for all the work, really," Toby said. Sam sat on the edge of Toby's desk and carefully observed his boss.
"Not a problem. You doing a half-day?"
"Yeah. Just wanted to make sure I still had an office."
Sam gasped in mock hurt. "Toby! I'd never let them promote me while you were this side of the grave. You should know that."
"He was deciding which font to get on the replacement door sign," Josh cut in with a grin. Toby laughed.
"Yeah, I bet. Look-really, I appreciate you both just, well, doing your jobs so well. I mean, I wouldn't have been able to take any time off if I didn't have you two and CJ to cover my ass. Thank you."
The sincerity in Toby's voice made Josh blush and Sam suddenly found his shoes intensely fascinating. They both muttered that it wasn't anything, and Toby felt bad about making them self-conscious.
"But-you're slacking now, so get out of here so I can work," Toby growled, standing and opening the door. Sam scooted off the desk and smiled, welcoming Toby back again as he led the way out. Josh moved toward the door and stopped in the doorway, looking back.
"Toby-promise me something."
"What?"
"Talk to me before you leave, okay? Please?"
Toby was surprised. "Sure. Any particular reason?"
"I just-it's-look, just come find me and I'll buy you a coke or something. Please?" The note of entreaty in Josh's voice was foreign to Toby and he nodded his head, bewildered.
"Yes. Now go." * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Three hours later, stomach growling, Toby went into CJ's office and found her missing. He turned to ask Carol where she was and heard a faint thump and "shit". Turning slowly, he saw CJ coming out from under her desk, rubbing her head and holding her glasses. "CJ? Should I ask?"
"I lost a kiss," she answered as she sat back in her chair. Toby walked closer.
"A kiss?"
CJ held up a silver tidbit with a white flag attached. "It was my last one."
Toby sat in the chair opposite CJ. "Oh. Okay, at least that makes sense now."
"Whatever. Bumped my head. How are you?" CJ asked as she unwrapped the chocolate and popped it in her mouth.
Toby spread his hands. "I'm good. Getting tired of being asked how I am, but I'm good. You?"
"Tired and I have a headache. Oh hey-it's like 615. You ready for home?"
"That's what I came to tell you. Josh wants to talk to me before I leave. I was going to get a ride. He really-I think he wants to say something to me."
CJ thought for a moment. "Hm. Probably declaring love. You two gonna get food?"
"I dunno, probably. Just thought I'd let you know. Besides, I should probably be getting back to my place. I can have him drop me or take a cab."
"All right. Maybe he'll have enlightenment or something. Hey, did you see Sam?"
"Of course."
"I think he took you being ill badly. He seemed kinda shaken when I saw him." CJ saw Toby falter a moment. "Could be he's tired," she added kindly.
"Yeah. He looks it. Do you-well, I'll talk to him. I didn't notice it." Toby was thinking hard about Sam's appearance now-had Sam been edgy?
"Okay. He called once or twice a day to check on you, like Josh did, you know."
"Yeah. I'll-nevermind. I'll call you later, all right? Thanks for bringing me in, too. I really appreciate it."
Toby got up to go and paused when CJ called his name. He turned, hand on knob. "Yeah?"
"One more thing," CJ said. Toby closed the door and walked back to her desk as CJ came around it to meet him.
"Yes?"
CJ reached out and gently took Toby's hand, pulling him closer to her. He smiled a little shyly and squeezed her hand. "Take care and be good," she said, leaning into the scarce space between them and giving him a light kiss. He felt the warmth on his lips and grinned.
Without thinking he pulled her to him and embraced her tightly, overwhelmed by a sudden rush of love for her. CJ held him briefly, panicked a little at her emotions, then gave him a little shove. "G'wan, scram," she said with a smile. Toby gave her hand one last squeeze, smiled gently, and left. CJ shook her head and wished she had another Kiss. * * * * * * * *
Sam was sitting in his office staring at his laptop when Toby knocked. "Hey," Sam said, surprised.
"Hey. You should be home."
"You too," Sam answered.
"Josh and I are gonna hang out a bit, he wants to talk to me about something." Toby shrugged his shoulders to indicate he didn't know what Josh wanted.
"Oh. Oh, okay. I'm just gonna-I'm working on the Ag bill. Wanna try something, then I'll get home. You feeling all right?"
Toby tried to frown. "Don't stress about me. You got enough to worry about. Go sleep."
Sam smiled. "You ordering me home, chief?"
"Yes. Go home. Now." Toby thought he almost sounded convincing.
"In fifteen minutes. Tell Josh hi for me." Sam smiled again, then bent his head to his work. Toby shook his head and went to find Josh.
Donna Moss was trying to hustle Josh out the door when Toby appeared. "Toby, he's been here since 7am, make him go home so I can!"
Toby shrugged. "He told me to come find him."
"Joshua!"
Josh came back from a corner of his office where he'd been looking for a folder. "I found-hey, Toby! Donna, go home. Toby and I are gonna talk a bit."
Donna looked annoyed. "Fine. Well, now I know if I need him to move I call Toby, the Enforcer. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on, Toby- the Enforcer."
"If it makes you happy," Toby said.
"Schmuck," Donna said, going to get her coat.
"You mind with the Yiddish?" Toby said in amusement. Donna came back and poked Josh in the chest once.
"Ow," he said.
"A pair of schmucks. Don't forget to check your messages and your calendar. Good night," Donna said, leaving them speechless.
Toby came into Josh's office and sat, followed by Josh. "She likes to bring on the Yiddish," he sighed. Josh sat on his desk.
"Yeah. I've been pissing her off all day-I keep losing things that are right in front of me."
"Nothing new."
Josh nodded. "Yeah. Hey, look. Can I borrow you for like an hour or so? We can head down the street to Phelan's. I'll buy ya a coke-you're still on the drugs, right?"
Toby shrugged. "Yep. I'd like to get back to CJ's before 8 or so-can we be done by then?"
"Oh yeah. Lemme get my jacket."
Toby watched as Josh shrugged on his jacket. "So, what's this all about?"
Josh stuffed papers in his backpack. "What's what?" he asked, not looking.
"Why'd you want to talk with me? Not that I don't, you know, not that I'm not happy to see you again."
Josh turned and slung his backpack over one shoulder. "Because you're not happy to see me, to see anyone, and I'm willing to take bets you're not happy-period."
Toby was stunned into silence, a half-frown frozen on his face. Josh opened the door to leave and Toby mechanically stood. He preceded Josh out and was still processing Josh's statements as they walked out of the bullpen. * * * * * * * * * * *
Sam Seaborn was standing in his kitchen, doing some yoga stretches while watching CNN and talking to CJ on the speakerphone after his nightmarishly long day at work. He couldn't bring himself to simply sit down and relax, feeling overly wound-up. He was discussing it with CJ when Toby's name came up.
"You know, in a way, CJ, and this is gonna sound bad, so let me just preface it-"
Across town CJ snorted back a laugh, swallowed her mouthful of sour cream and onion Pringles, and lowered the TV volume down. She was determined to lounge a little and wind down before Toby came back, and was wearing a camisole and jogging shorts. "It's perfectly okay to say something without editorializing, Sam," she said, swallowing.
"Hey, I'm a speechwriter, sue me," Sam replied, his voice fading a little as he bent forward to stretch his back.
"Stop the calisthenics, willya?" CJ hollered over the phone.
"Gotta be limber. Look, what I was going to say is that I kind of dreaded coming back and finding Toby. That sounds horrible, god. I mean, I didn't know what to expect, and I was worried about what he'd be like, or look like, you know?"
"Yes. I didn't let him know how often you guys called to check on him. I think it would've freaked him out a little."
Sam frowned. "I didn't think he'd care."
"Sam, you should know by now that he does care. He hates showing any of it, but he's more in love with you guys at work than himself, or his brother, probably. When Josh was shot I didn't think he'd recover from it- it really scared him. You're his little brothers-the kind he didn't get a chance to beat on." CJ added the last part with a laugh, aware that what she'd said would be disarming to Sam, who respected and looked up to Toby.
Coming out of a final backbend, Sam sighed and sat in a kitchen chair. "Wow. I thought the only person he was in love with was you."
The minute he said it, Sam realized it was a tactical and personal blunder. As much as almost everyone in the office knew Toby was in love with CJ, and the press secretary was amiable to the idea, no one was allowed to acknowledge this in a tacit unspoken command. Sam and Josh had discussed their friends' attraction for one another over drinks but had never allowed themselves to mention it to either CJ or Toby.
Sam stood reflexively in his kitchen, mouth half-open, trying to form a response to his own faux pas. He heard CJ stop breathing for a half-beat. "Oh, CJ, I mean-oh, I didn't-"
"Well, Sam, say what's on your mind, why don't you?" CJ finally managed. The concept was not entirely foreign to her mind-more than once she'd thought about life with Toby, and dismissed it as completely unworkable and impractical. She had hoped, however, that the staff would be able to keep the possibility of CJ and Toby getting together a kind of acknowledged secret-and CJ was surprised Sam had been so indiscreet.
Sam closed his eyes and covered them with one hand, sighing. "CJ, I'm so sorry. That was tactless. Please forget I said it, all right? And if you won't forget it, just slap me upside the head next time we meet, 'kay?" He was pleased to hear CJ laugh.
"All right. Don't get stuck in a pretzel pose or whatever. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay. Have a good night."
CJ hung up the phone and grinned a little. She knew she had something to annoy Sam Seaborn with for a while, and she relished it. She also felt like-well, CJ, like you wanna dance around the room singing "Can't help loving that man of mine". CJ giggled again at the image in her head, smiled thinking of Toby, and channel-surfed with a vengeance. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** *** ** ** * * **
Toby was leaning back in his chair at a table in Phelan's, Josh across from him. The younger man was leaning on the table, Sam Adams in front of him, looking intently at Toby. They'd been there for an hour and Toby had said about four sentences.
Josh stopped speaking for a minute and considered his friend. He had been surprised at how easily Toby had agreed to come with him, and hoped it was a good sign. Of all the many people he'd known in his life, Toby was among the top three people who never acknowledged feelings and pain. Josh marveled at it sometimes, but right now he was desperately trying to get Toby to see it could be okay to hurt and be vulnerable. I know what that feels like, and it hurts, and boy-Toby isn't going to like it when it finally hits him, Josh thought before plunging on.
"You want another coke?" Josh asked. Toby shook his head, gesturing with his half-full glass. "All right. Oh, hey-I forgot to tell you. While you were gone Sam confiscated all your bouncy balls. No more whap, whap, whap on his wall."
Toby smiled, to Josh's surprise. "What-are you telling me I don't have any balls?" he asked with his deadpan understatement.
Josh gaped, then sputtered out laughter, spraying a light mist of beer toward Toby. Toby laughed himself, and he felt something stiff and distant shift inside.
"Toby-man, you gotta warn me when you're gonna do that! Sorry about the beer."
"S'okay. And hey, Josh-thanks."
Josh wiped his mouth with his hand. "For?"
"Just-for getting me out of my own head for a while. For worrying about me. And I hate admitting it, so don't remind me ever again, but I appreciate the concern. I know what you're trying to do."
Josh saw the seriousness on Toby's face. "Toby, I know how you're feeling. And I know what you might go through. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes about it that I did." He reflexively rubbed his chest over the bullet wound from Rosslyn. "Because it'll suck, Toby."
Toby sighed and sat back again. He raised his hand at a passing waiter. "Can I get a Scotch, double, no ice or water? Thanks."
"Toby, should you-"
"One drink won't knock me out. Two won't. And if three would, I'd order a bottle and walk home. Just drink with me for a while. I promise you I'll be okay, Josh."
Josh ordered another drink himself and looked at Toby closely. "Don't promise me that. Don't."
Toby stopped mid-drink and lowered his glass. "All right. Deal." * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * *** * At eleven-fifteen CJ was startled out of sleep by a bang against her door, followed by a loud shush. She fell off the sofa with a squawk and scrambled up clutching her remote control. She listened carefully and heard whispering voices, then the sound of a key entering the lock and turning.
Josh half fell in, holding Toby up, both men a few points north of legally drunk. Josh caught himself on the hall table and had just turned the corner into the living room when he ran into CJ.
"Josh! What in the hell?" CJ hollered at him, her voice echoing in the room.
"CJ, please, I-can't you help me get him seated? Please, I'm gonna fall down soon."
They struggled with a semi-conscious Toby to the sofa and dropped him on it. He lay peacefully, head lolling on the arm of the sofa. Josh dropped into a chair and CJ stood in amazement.
"I-I don't even know where to start, Joshua! What the hell were you all doing?"
Josh gestured vaguely. "I took him out-for a coke, CJ, I swear. I talked for hours trying to see how he was doin', you know-worried about him. And then-he ordered a drink. I told him-but he said he hadn't even been taking his medication and stuff, and-"
"He said what? And you believed him? Joshua Lyman, I swear to god I will beat your ass."
"But he wasn't even affected by the drinks! Hell, I'm in worse shape. Oh, CJ, I really was trying, I swear." Josh trailed off, sheepish under CJ's glare.
CJ sighed and moved over to Toby, who was still only partially awake. She noted he was pale and sweaty. "What did you two do, run a marathon?"
"He-he and I took the train-then walked, at least kinda. I mostly carried him. I'm really tired."
"Just fall asleep there then. Josh, how much did he have to drink? Can you remember?"
"I-maybe four? I was a few beers ahead. What's up?" Josh was fading fast but aware of something in the air. He shucked his coat and flopped back into the chair.
"Damn. He's still been taking the pills, at least twice a day. One of them can kinda react badly with alcohol. He didn't throw up, did he?"
"No," came back the sleepy reply. CJ turned to see Josh almost asleep. She rose, threw a blanket from the recliner over him, and went to turn the taps on in her tub. For just a minute, she sat on the edge of the tub, half-tempted to laugh or scream. Then, grabbing a towel, she went out to the living room.
CJ was pleased Josh had passed out and was snoring, because she knew he'd be embarrassed for Toby. CJ shook Toby violently until his eyes opened. The deep brown eyes were unfocused and confused. He looked around until his eyes fell on CJ.
"Uh," he said weakly.
"Uh yourself. I need you to get up." CJ said as she worked Toby's coat and jacket off.
Toby's eyes closed again. "Can't."
CJ pulled off his shoes and unbuckled his belt. She was tugging his pants down when he opened his eyes and swiveled his head around in shock.
"What--?"
"Well, if you don't want me to strip you down you better get up, Tobus. Come on, I'll help you."
Toby threw an arm over CJ and they struggled up together, Toby's pants falling down as they moved. He cursed a little as she helped him walk out of the pants and into the bedroom. She sat him down on her bed and helped him take off his shirt and tie, and pulled off his socks.
"CJ, I'm sorry, I am," Toby whispered. She nodded at him, aware he could barely keep his eyes open, and hauled him back up. They made it into the bathroom and Toby halted.
"Toby, come on, you're sweaty and you stink. Hop in the bath."
"I can't," he said softly. CJ looked and saw his eyes were wide and dazed. "I can't move, I'll fall," Toby finished.
"Jesus. Come on, I can help-" With CJ's help, shuffling along the floor, Toby managed to sit on the edge of the tub. He had to close his eyes to keep from vomiting or passing out hard.
"Can you lean back?" CJ asked. Toby shook his head slightly.
"I'll be sick."
"Oh god. Come on, look, I can help you. Lean into me." Sighing a little, and tossing decorum to the wind, CJ sat behind Toby on the tub edge and pulled him into her body. He was shivering and clammy and CJ felt her heart skip when she realized how sick Toby felt. With a little gasp, she slipped backward into the tub, pulling Toby in with her so she landed under him, back against the back of the tub. Water slopped over the edge and CJ had to laugh.
Toby's eyes had opened when they landed in the water. "Hey!"
CJ pulled him closer so his back was against her chest. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, you'll be fine." She saw him turn his head and look up at her.
"CJ?"
"What?"
"Nothing."
They simply lay in the water for while, CJ humming to herself and singing under her breath. She enjoyed Toby's weight on her, even as she wondered if she'd ruin her camisole.
She had just taken up the washcloth and shower gel from the tub ledge and was carefully rubbing down Toby's shoulders when she began singing "God Bless the Child" out loud. Toby opened his eyes slightly at the music but didn't move, just listened.
CJ worked her way down Toby's arms with the cloth, enjoying the smell of the lavender soap and a clean Toby. She could feel his muscles jump under her hands and wondered how asleep he really was.
She had just commenced bathing his chest when he spoke. "That was like a grace," he whispered.
"Toby?"
He kept his face averted. "The sound of the song-the sound of it was like a grace. Beautiful."
CJ smiled at the back of Toby's head. "Thanks. Glad you're up, I'm soaked here."
"CJ, please don't move."
"Still dizzy? Josh said you'd had some drinks, and I-"
"No. I mean-" Toby turned with an effort to look at her. "-I mean, would you stay. With me. Please."
CJ was shocked at the vulnerability in Toby's eyes. She knew he was making an effort to even stay awake, could feel his exhaustion and illness in his body, but yet he was trying. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, she thought.
She touched his nose gently with the washcloth and smiled down at him. "Okay, Toby. I don't want you to drown in my tub."
"No, CJ-don't. Just be here. God, I-"
Gathering all his strength, Toby half-turned in the tub, so CJ had to shift to one side. Toby propped himself up on an elbow in the awkward space and reached out a shaking hand to CJ's shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. But please-I think I need you to stay. I can't-I mean I won't cope. Please, CJ." Toby shifted his eyes away from hers, feeling the awkwardness of the moment. "And you know I love you. I-Jesus!"
Toby slid back down in exhaustion in the tub and CJ had just enough time to slide back under him. He ended up leaning against her with her arm around his shoulders. She smiled down at him, a little frightened.
"I-Toby, I don't know what to say. Are you okay? I mean-look. You need me here, I'll be here, sweets. Can you let it go for just the night? So I can clean you up and get you out of those stupid cow-print boxers?"
"They're not stupid."
"They are, and you know what? So are you," CJ said, and leaned down to kiss Toby.
Toby's eyes widened at the kiss, then he closed them gratefully and relaxed a little. CJ ended the kiss and leaned back. "Whoa," Toby breathed.
"Yeah. Look-let's get cleaned up and to bed. Deal with it in the morning."
"'kay."
CJ pushed Toby to a sitting position and scrubbed him down quickly, laughing a little when she ran her hands down to pull off Toby's boxers. He stopped her hands and managed to pull them off himself, shyly pulling his knees up. When he was scrubbed and clean, and looked a little better, CJ helped wrap him in a towel and led him to her bed.
Toby hesitantly lay back, worried he'd be sick, then relaxed into the bed. CJ removed the towel and pulled the sheet over him, then drew the duvet up to his chin. "Still cold?"
"No. Where's Josh?"
"Passed out in the living room," CJ said as she stepped back into the bathroom to take off her own wet clothes. Toby got a glimpse of her slim silhouette in the door before she reentered wrapped in her robe. She smiled at him and went out to check on Josh.
Josh was snoring with mouth hanging open, awkwardly curled up in CJ's chair. CJ smiled down at him, carefully shifting the back pillow so Josh was less cramped and very gently pulling Josh's shoes and mostly undone pants off his legs. CJ wondered why Josh had unbuttoned his pants anyway- did he expect to get lucky or something?
After making sure Josh was semi-comfortable and still alive, CJ went back into her room. Toby was asleep and breathing regularly if a little shallowly. She smiled down at him, turned off her bedside lamp, and got into bed.
Two hours later, CJ woke to a struggling next to her in the bed and turned groggily toward the commotion. Her eyes widened as she saw Toby struggling to sit up, his face a shade of red unnatural in anybody. CJ jumped up and turned to him, frightened.
Toby could feel himself begin to panic, unable to draw in a clear breath. He couldn't understand what was happening, why he felt his lungs turning liquid and cold, but knew he needed to breathe very badly.
CJ helped him sit up and watching him trying to draw in breath. "Toby? Toby, talk to me!"
Toby turned panicked brown eyes to her, desperate gasps coming loud and fast. He placed one hand on his chest and shook his head-I can't breathe.
"Oh shit-oh god! Come on Toby, breathe, dammit!"
Brown spots appeared in Toby's vision as he began to lose consciousness. He was trying to cough but didn't seem to have enough air to bring forth a cough. He flailed an arm out and CJ caught it, and with it his panic.
"No! Toby, please, please don't do this! Breathe goddammit!" CJ yelled.
Toby collapsed back, struggling ceased and eyes closed. CJ pulled him up again, slammed him hard twice on the back, and when he didn't respond, bent over him and started mouth-to-mouth.
Four, five breaths, and Toby started to cough hoarsely, eyes watering with the effort to breathe. His eyes opened and flashed wildly around, settling on CJ's stricken face. He made an effort to steady his breathing until he could pull in air without feeling panicked.
"Toby?" CJ asked hesitantly.
"CJ?"
From the doorway, a half-undressed and extremely confused Josh Lyman watched while leaning against the wall. "CJ, everything okay?"
CJ reflexively pulled the blanket up around herself. "He couldn't breathe, Josh."
Josh took a couple of steps into the room and looked down at Toby. "He okay?"
"Fine," Toby rasped. He noted he didn't quite feel like talking and wanted to vomit in the worst way.
"I think he'll be okay. You should go back to bed, Josh. But use the sofa."
"All right. Thanks," Josh said, and stumbled back out. CJ turned her attention back to Toby.
"So, Tobus. Think maybe the Scotch reacted badly with your drugs?" CJ asked. Toby looked sheepish.
"Maybe. And maybe-oh Jesus. I wanna throw up. Oh god."
CJ moved quickly and brought her bedroom trash can around in time for Toby to lean over the bed and vomit dryly. He retched a few times, brought some mucus but nothing much up, and rolled onto his back again. CJ put the trash can next to Toby's side of the bed and crawled over him back into bed. A fine sheen of sweat covered Toby and his skin smelled vaguely metallic. He looked absolutely exhausted. CJ tried to forget she'd just seen him black out. She was frightened.
CJ pulled just the sheet up over them both and moved next to Toby, one arm over the sheet covering his chest. Toby opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her.
"I'm so sorry," he said quietly, trying to connote sincerity with his eyes. Toby felt awful, physically and emotionally, and hated causing CJ any pain.
CJ smiled at him, gently rubbing his chest. "I know."
"I shouldn't have drunk anything."
"Yes."
"Still love me?" Toby let a small smile color his nearly-white face.
"No," CJ answered, and then laughed loudly. Toby blanched, then chuckled a little. He wiped his mouth with the sheet, smiled, and shifted down a little to kiss CJ's smiling mouth.
CJ accepted the kiss and brought one long leg over Toby's. They moved so they were lying facing each other, eyes locked. Toby let his hand rest on CJ's hip and loved the feeling of her hands moving on his back, sweaty as it was.
"Thank you for saving my life just now," he said with sincerity.
"You're welcome."
"And-thank you for saving my life all those other times."
"What do you mean, Toby?"
"Well-just, you know, taking care of me. I've been kind of a wreck. Thanks."
CJ saw how he shyly shifted his eyes down while he said this. "I was happy to do it. I just-I wish that-"
"What?"
CJ sighed. "Don't do that to yourself, Toby. You're so hard on yourself all the time, every day. I wish you'd stop hiding everything, until you freak out on us."
"I didn't freak out. I was sick." Toby felt himself protesting aimlessly.
With darting and apprehensive eyes, Toby Ziegler walked into his office for the first time in nearly a week, carrying a cold coffee like a shield and not acknowledging the choruses of "Hey, welcome back!" calls that greeted him. He knew they would all allow him some room, and certainly no one expected their surly boss to have transformed after the longest vacation he'd had in years. Forced vacation, Toby thought wearily. He closed his door behind him, tossed his bag on the sofa, and collapsed next to it. Closing his eyes, Toby allowed himself to relax physically, the better to allow his mind to race.
After burying his mother more than a week and a half ago, Toby had found himself unable to concentrate, subject to severe vertigo, and without any appetite. He'd struggled gamely along, ignoring his body's distress signals until he was crippled by nightmares and vertigo of a nauseous caliber. As usual, he'd called CJ-she'd dragged him in to her doctor, who'd determined Toby's iron levels were low, he was dehydrated, and his blood pressure was rather high. Some rest, medication, and food had set him mostly back on track, and he'd convinced CJ that he could come to work for a half-day. She'd brought him in and watched him make his way to his office, dubious.
When he'd been sidelined by the grief and his exhausted body's reaction to it, Toby had been shocked. He'd never given much thought to his body, priding himself on his stamina but otherwise not doing much to maintain it. It was as much a matter of convincing himself he'd be fine as it was taking medicine, eating well, and sleeping. He'd wake in CJ's huge bed with a start at night, worried he wouldn't be able to speak or move, images of his young adulthood paralyzing accident fading back into the nightmare. She'd been remarkably kind and patient, and part of Toby knew he'd come back for a half-day too early because he couldn't watch CJ worry anymore.
A faint tap on his door made him sit up a little. "Come in."
Josh Lyman opened the door slowly and peeked in, a smile gathering force on his face as he saw Toby on the sofa. "Hey, Toby," he said, his voice more gentle than usual. Toby smiled slightly in return.
"Josh-come in."
The Deputy Chief of Staff moved into the room and shut the door again, leaning against it in the remarkably boyish manner he had. "It's good to see you back," Josh commented, his smile threatening to crack his face. Toby noted Josh's dimples were quite apparent, then wondered why he'd noticed.
"It's nice to be seen," Toby answered, standing and taking off his coat. Josh observed with hidden apprehension the ill-fitting suit jacket. My god, he's lost some serious weight, Josh thought. Toby tossed his coat on the sofa and sat back down. "You gonna sit?"
Josh plopped into a chair opposite Toby and leaned forward. "How you feeling?"
"Ah. Well, I certainly feel better than I did a week ago. I'm doing the good stuff, you know. Eating, sleeping, taking the pills. You?" Toby smiled at Josh.
"I'm good, man," Josh said with a laugh. "I kinda liked doing the briefings. CJ's worried about what I screwed up, but who really needed Canada anyhow?"
Toby laughed, surprising himself. He liked Josh, liked his political savvy mixed with an irrepressible boyish glee. Josh and Sam Seaborn made a good team, though Toby didn't think anyone could be more boyish than Sam.
"I'm sure she'll fix it. And if not-well, most of us are lawyers anyway. Hey-Josh, did Leo or the President say anything about my, uh, you know, situation while I was gone?"
Josh considered, then lied. "Nah. Leo asked where you were staying, that's all." The truth was that either Josh or Sam would get a phone call twice a day asking for updates on Toby. The calls had made Sam a nervous wreck, and Josh had tried to call Leo and give an update before being called. He wondered if Toby knew he was lying.
Toby did. He thought about calling Josh on the bad bluff, then reconsidered. He knew Josh wouldn't lie without a reason, and wasn't ready to ask. "Thanks. How's Sam holding up? I felt guilty leaving him all the work."
Josh waved his hand. "Ah, you know Sam. He's okay. A little frazzled, but he's fine."
"Good. Have either of you slept lately? It does wonders for you," Toby said with a smile.
Laughing, Josh leaned back in his chair. "That's what I hear. you must have gotten in some good sack time-um, yeah."
Toby noticed Josh's eyes had flickered up and above his head, and turned to look. Sam Seaborn was standing and gesturing to Josh through the glass. He stopped when he saw that Toby had noticed him and smiled sheepishly. Opening the door, he stepped in and stood awkwardly.
"Hi Sam," Toby said shortly. He took in his deputy's appearance and thought wow, he looks exhausted. And worried.
"Toby, how ya doing? Good to see you back." Sam was grinning, but looked tightly wound.
"I'm okay. Thanks. And thanks for all the work, really," Toby said. Sam sat on the edge of Toby's desk and carefully observed his boss.
"Not a problem. You doing a half-day?"
"Yeah. Just wanted to make sure I still had an office."
Sam gasped in mock hurt. "Toby! I'd never let them promote me while you were this side of the grave. You should know that."
"He was deciding which font to get on the replacement door sign," Josh cut in with a grin. Toby laughed.
"Yeah, I bet. Look-really, I appreciate you both just, well, doing your jobs so well. I mean, I wouldn't have been able to take any time off if I didn't have you two and CJ to cover my ass. Thank you."
The sincerity in Toby's voice made Josh blush and Sam suddenly found his shoes intensely fascinating. They both muttered that it wasn't anything, and Toby felt bad about making them self-conscious.
"But-you're slacking now, so get out of here so I can work," Toby growled, standing and opening the door. Sam scooted off the desk and smiled, welcoming Toby back again as he led the way out. Josh moved toward the door and stopped in the doorway, looking back.
"Toby-promise me something."
"What?"
"Talk to me before you leave, okay? Please?"
Toby was surprised. "Sure. Any particular reason?"
"I just-it's-look, just come find me and I'll buy you a coke or something. Please?" The note of entreaty in Josh's voice was foreign to Toby and he nodded his head, bewildered.
"Yes. Now go." * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Three hours later, stomach growling, Toby went into CJ's office and found her missing. He turned to ask Carol where she was and heard a faint thump and "shit". Turning slowly, he saw CJ coming out from under her desk, rubbing her head and holding her glasses. "CJ? Should I ask?"
"I lost a kiss," she answered as she sat back in her chair. Toby walked closer.
"A kiss?"
CJ held up a silver tidbit with a white flag attached. "It was my last one."
Toby sat in the chair opposite CJ. "Oh. Okay, at least that makes sense now."
"Whatever. Bumped my head. How are you?" CJ asked as she unwrapped the chocolate and popped it in her mouth.
Toby spread his hands. "I'm good. Getting tired of being asked how I am, but I'm good. You?"
"Tired and I have a headache. Oh hey-it's like 615. You ready for home?"
"That's what I came to tell you. Josh wants to talk to me before I leave. I was going to get a ride. He really-I think he wants to say something to me."
CJ thought for a moment. "Hm. Probably declaring love. You two gonna get food?"
"I dunno, probably. Just thought I'd let you know. Besides, I should probably be getting back to my place. I can have him drop me or take a cab."
"All right. Maybe he'll have enlightenment or something. Hey, did you see Sam?"
"Of course."
"I think he took you being ill badly. He seemed kinda shaken when I saw him." CJ saw Toby falter a moment. "Could be he's tired," she added kindly.
"Yeah. He looks it. Do you-well, I'll talk to him. I didn't notice it." Toby was thinking hard about Sam's appearance now-had Sam been edgy?
"Okay. He called once or twice a day to check on you, like Josh did, you know."
"Yeah. I'll-nevermind. I'll call you later, all right? Thanks for bringing me in, too. I really appreciate it."
Toby got up to go and paused when CJ called his name. He turned, hand on knob. "Yeah?"
"One more thing," CJ said. Toby closed the door and walked back to her desk as CJ came around it to meet him.
"Yes?"
CJ reached out and gently took Toby's hand, pulling him closer to her. He smiled a little shyly and squeezed her hand. "Take care and be good," she said, leaning into the scarce space between them and giving him a light kiss. He felt the warmth on his lips and grinned.
Without thinking he pulled her to him and embraced her tightly, overwhelmed by a sudden rush of love for her. CJ held him briefly, panicked a little at her emotions, then gave him a little shove. "G'wan, scram," she said with a smile. Toby gave her hand one last squeeze, smiled gently, and left. CJ shook her head and wished she had another Kiss. * * * * * * * *
Sam was sitting in his office staring at his laptop when Toby knocked. "Hey," Sam said, surprised.
"Hey. You should be home."
"You too," Sam answered.
"Josh and I are gonna hang out a bit, he wants to talk to me about something." Toby shrugged his shoulders to indicate he didn't know what Josh wanted.
"Oh. Oh, okay. I'm just gonna-I'm working on the Ag bill. Wanna try something, then I'll get home. You feeling all right?"
Toby tried to frown. "Don't stress about me. You got enough to worry about. Go sleep."
Sam smiled. "You ordering me home, chief?"
"Yes. Go home. Now." Toby thought he almost sounded convincing.
"In fifteen minutes. Tell Josh hi for me." Sam smiled again, then bent his head to his work. Toby shook his head and went to find Josh.
Donna Moss was trying to hustle Josh out the door when Toby appeared. "Toby, he's been here since 7am, make him go home so I can!"
Toby shrugged. "He told me to come find him."
"Joshua!"
Josh came back from a corner of his office where he'd been looking for a folder. "I found-hey, Toby! Donna, go home. Toby and I are gonna talk a bit."
Donna looked annoyed. "Fine. Well, now I know if I need him to move I call Toby, the Enforcer. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on, Toby- the Enforcer."
"If it makes you happy," Toby said.
"Schmuck," Donna said, going to get her coat.
"You mind with the Yiddish?" Toby said in amusement. Donna came back and poked Josh in the chest once.
"Ow," he said.
"A pair of schmucks. Don't forget to check your messages and your calendar. Good night," Donna said, leaving them speechless.
Toby came into Josh's office and sat, followed by Josh. "She likes to bring on the Yiddish," he sighed. Josh sat on his desk.
"Yeah. I've been pissing her off all day-I keep losing things that are right in front of me."
"Nothing new."
Josh nodded. "Yeah. Hey, look. Can I borrow you for like an hour or so? We can head down the street to Phelan's. I'll buy ya a coke-you're still on the drugs, right?"
Toby shrugged. "Yep. I'd like to get back to CJ's before 8 or so-can we be done by then?"
"Oh yeah. Lemme get my jacket."
Toby watched as Josh shrugged on his jacket. "So, what's this all about?"
Josh stuffed papers in his backpack. "What's what?" he asked, not looking.
"Why'd you want to talk with me? Not that I don't, you know, not that I'm not happy to see you again."
Josh turned and slung his backpack over one shoulder. "Because you're not happy to see me, to see anyone, and I'm willing to take bets you're not happy-period."
Toby was stunned into silence, a half-frown frozen on his face. Josh opened the door to leave and Toby mechanically stood. He preceded Josh out and was still processing Josh's statements as they walked out of the bullpen. * * * * * * * * * * *
Sam Seaborn was standing in his kitchen, doing some yoga stretches while watching CNN and talking to CJ on the speakerphone after his nightmarishly long day at work. He couldn't bring himself to simply sit down and relax, feeling overly wound-up. He was discussing it with CJ when Toby's name came up.
"You know, in a way, CJ, and this is gonna sound bad, so let me just preface it-"
Across town CJ snorted back a laugh, swallowed her mouthful of sour cream and onion Pringles, and lowered the TV volume down. She was determined to lounge a little and wind down before Toby came back, and was wearing a camisole and jogging shorts. "It's perfectly okay to say something without editorializing, Sam," she said, swallowing.
"Hey, I'm a speechwriter, sue me," Sam replied, his voice fading a little as he bent forward to stretch his back.
"Stop the calisthenics, willya?" CJ hollered over the phone.
"Gotta be limber. Look, what I was going to say is that I kind of dreaded coming back and finding Toby. That sounds horrible, god. I mean, I didn't know what to expect, and I was worried about what he'd be like, or look like, you know?"
"Yes. I didn't let him know how often you guys called to check on him. I think it would've freaked him out a little."
Sam frowned. "I didn't think he'd care."
"Sam, you should know by now that he does care. He hates showing any of it, but he's more in love with you guys at work than himself, or his brother, probably. When Josh was shot I didn't think he'd recover from it- it really scared him. You're his little brothers-the kind he didn't get a chance to beat on." CJ added the last part with a laugh, aware that what she'd said would be disarming to Sam, who respected and looked up to Toby.
Coming out of a final backbend, Sam sighed and sat in a kitchen chair. "Wow. I thought the only person he was in love with was you."
The minute he said it, Sam realized it was a tactical and personal blunder. As much as almost everyone in the office knew Toby was in love with CJ, and the press secretary was amiable to the idea, no one was allowed to acknowledge this in a tacit unspoken command. Sam and Josh had discussed their friends' attraction for one another over drinks but had never allowed themselves to mention it to either CJ or Toby.
Sam stood reflexively in his kitchen, mouth half-open, trying to form a response to his own faux pas. He heard CJ stop breathing for a half-beat. "Oh, CJ, I mean-oh, I didn't-"
"Well, Sam, say what's on your mind, why don't you?" CJ finally managed. The concept was not entirely foreign to her mind-more than once she'd thought about life with Toby, and dismissed it as completely unworkable and impractical. She had hoped, however, that the staff would be able to keep the possibility of CJ and Toby getting together a kind of acknowledged secret-and CJ was surprised Sam had been so indiscreet.
Sam closed his eyes and covered them with one hand, sighing. "CJ, I'm so sorry. That was tactless. Please forget I said it, all right? And if you won't forget it, just slap me upside the head next time we meet, 'kay?" He was pleased to hear CJ laugh.
"All right. Don't get stuck in a pretzel pose or whatever. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Okay. Have a good night."
CJ hung up the phone and grinned a little. She knew she had something to annoy Sam Seaborn with for a while, and she relished it. She also felt like-well, CJ, like you wanna dance around the room singing "Can't help loving that man of mine". CJ giggled again at the image in her head, smiled thinking of Toby, and channel-surfed with a vengeance. ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** *** ** ** * * **
Toby was leaning back in his chair at a table in Phelan's, Josh across from him. The younger man was leaning on the table, Sam Adams in front of him, looking intently at Toby. They'd been there for an hour and Toby had said about four sentences.
Josh stopped speaking for a minute and considered his friend. He had been surprised at how easily Toby had agreed to come with him, and hoped it was a good sign. Of all the many people he'd known in his life, Toby was among the top three people who never acknowledged feelings and pain. Josh marveled at it sometimes, but right now he was desperately trying to get Toby to see it could be okay to hurt and be vulnerable. I know what that feels like, and it hurts, and boy-Toby isn't going to like it when it finally hits him, Josh thought before plunging on.
"You want another coke?" Josh asked. Toby shook his head, gesturing with his half-full glass. "All right. Oh, hey-I forgot to tell you. While you were gone Sam confiscated all your bouncy balls. No more whap, whap, whap on his wall."
Toby smiled, to Josh's surprise. "What-are you telling me I don't have any balls?" he asked with his deadpan understatement.
Josh gaped, then sputtered out laughter, spraying a light mist of beer toward Toby. Toby laughed himself, and he felt something stiff and distant shift inside.
"Toby-man, you gotta warn me when you're gonna do that! Sorry about the beer."
"S'okay. And hey, Josh-thanks."
Josh wiped his mouth with his hand. "For?"
"Just-for getting me out of my own head for a while. For worrying about me. And I hate admitting it, so don't remind me ever again, but I appreciate the concern. I know what you're trying to do."
Josh saw the seriousness on Toby's face. "Toby, I know how you're feeling. And I know what you might go through. I don't want to see you make the same mistakes about it that I did." He reflexively rubbed his chest over the bullet wound from Rosslyn. "Because it'll suck, Toby."
Toby sighed and sat back again. He raised his hand at a passing waiter. "Can I get a Scotch, double, no ice or water? Thanks."
"Toby, should you-"
"One drink won't knock me out. Two won't. And if three would, I'd order a bottle and walk home. Just drink with me for a while. I promise you I'll be okay, Josh."
Josh ordered another drink himself and looked at Toby closely. "Don't promise me that. Don't."
Toby stopped mid-drink and lowered his glass. "All right. Deal." * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * *** * At eleven-fifteen CJ was startled out of sleep by a bang against her door, followed by a loud shush. She fell off the sofa with a squawk and scrambled up clutching her remote control. She listened carefully and heard whispering voices, then the sound of a key entering the lock and turning.
Josh half fell in, holding Toby up, both men a few points north of legally drunk. Josh caught himself on the hall table and had just turned the corner into the living room when he ran into CJ.
"Josh! What in the hell?" CJ hollered at him, her voice echoing in the room.
"CJ, please, I-can't you help me get him seated? Please, I'm gonna fall down soon."
They struggled with a semi-conscious Toby to the sofa and dropped him on it. He lay peacefully, head lolling on the arm of the sofa. Josh dropped into a chair and CJ stood in amazement.
"I-I don't even know where to start, Joshua! What the hell were you all doing?"
Josh gestured vaguely. "I took him out-for a coke, CJ, I swear. I talked for hours trying to see how he was doin', you know-worried about him. And then-he ordered a drink. I told him-but he said he hadn't even been taking his medication and stuff, and-"
"He said what? And you believed him? Joshua Lyman, I swear to god I will beat your ass."
"But he wasn't even affected by the drinks! Hell, I'm in worse shape. Oh, CJ, I really was trying, I swear." Josh trailed off, sheepish under CJ's glare.
CJ sighed and moved over to Toby, who was still only partially awake. She noted he was pale and sweaty. "What did you two do, run a marathon?"
"He-he and I took the train-then walked, at least kinda. I mostly carried him. I'm really tired."
"Just fall asleep there then. Josh, how much did he have to drink? Can you remember?"
"I-maybe four? I was a few beers ahead. What's up?" Josh was fading fast but aware of something in the air. He shucked his coat and flopped back into the chair.
"Damn. He's still been taking the pills, at least twice a day. One of them can kinda react badly with alcohol. He didn't throw up, did he?"
"No," came back the sleepy reply. CJ turned to see Josh almost asleep. She rose, threw a blanket from the recliner over him, and went to turn the taps on in her tub. For just a minute, she sat on the edge of the tub, half-tempted to laugh or scream. Then, grabbing a towel, she went out to the living room.
CJ was pleased Josh had passed out and was snoring, because she knew he'd be embarrassed for Toby. CJ shook Toby violently until his eyes opened. The deep brown eyes were unfocused and confused. He looked around until his eyes fell on CJ.
"Uh," he said weakly.
"Uh yourself. I need you to get up." CJ said as she worked Toby's coat and jacket off.
Toby's eyes closed again. "Can't."
CJ pulled off his shoes and unbuckled his belt. She was tugging his pants down when he opened his eyes and swiveled his head around in shock.
"What--?"
"Well, if you don't want me to strip you down you better get up, Tobus. Come on, I'll help you."
Toby threw an arm over CJ and they struggled up together, Toby's pants falling down as they moved. He cursed a little as she helped him walk out of the pants and into the bedroom. She sat him down on her bed and helped him take off his shirt and tie, and pulled off his socks.
"CJ, I'm sorry, I am," Toby whispered. She nodded at him, aware he could barely keep his eyes open, and hauled him back up. They made it into the bathroom and Toby halted.
"Toby, come on, you're sweaty and you stink. Hop in the bath."
"I can't," he said softly. CJ looked and saw his eyes were wide and dazed. "I can't move, I'll fall," Toby finished.
"Jesus. Come on, I can help-" With CJ's help, shuffling along the floor, Toby managed to sit on the edge of the tub. He had to close his eyes to keep from vomiting or passing out hard.
"Can you lean back?" CJ asked. Toby shook his head slightly.
"I'll be sick."
"Oh god. Come on, look, I can help you. Lean into me." Sighing a little, and tossing decorum to the wind, CJ sat behind Toby on the tub edge and pulled him into her body. He was shivering and clammy and CJ felt her heart skip when she realized how sick Toby felt. With a little gasp, she slipped backward into the tub, pulling Toby in with her so she landed under him, back against the back of the tub. Water slopped over the edge and CJ had to laugh.
Toby's eyes had opened when they landed in the water. "Hey!"
CJ pulled him closer so his back was against her chest. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here, you'll be fine." She saw him turn his head and look up at her.
"CJ?"
"What?"
"Nothing."
They simply lay in the water for while, CJ humming to herself and singing under her breath. She enjoyed Toby's weight on her, even as she wondered if she'd ruin her camisole.
She had just taken up the washcloth and shower gel from the tub ledge and was carefully rubbing down Toby's shoulders when she began singing "God Bless the Child" out loud. Toby opened his eyes slightly at the music but didn't move, just listened.
CJ worked her way down Toby's arms with the cloth, enjoying the smell of the lavender soap and a clean Toby. She could feel his muscles jump under her hands and wondered how asleep he really was.
She had just commenced bathing his chest when he spoke. "That was like a grace," he whispered.
"Toby?"
He kept his face averted. "The sound of the song-the sound of it was like a grace. Beautiful."
CJ smiled at the back of Toby's head. "Thanks. Glad you're up, I'm soaked here."
"CJ, please don't move."
"Still dizzy? Josh said you'd had some drinks, and I-"
"No. I mean-" Toby turned with an effort to look at her. "-I mean, would you stay. With me. Please."
CJ was shocked at the vulnerability in Toby's eyes. She knew he was making an effort to even stay awake, could feel his exhaustion and illness in his body, but yet he was trying. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen, she thought.
She touched his nose gently with the washcloth and smiled down at him. "Okay, Toby. I don't want you to drown in my tub."
"No, CJ-don't. Just be here. God, I-"
Gathering all his strength, Toby half-turned in the tub, so CJ had to shift to one side. Toby propped himself up on an elbow in the awkward space and reached out a shaking hand to CJ's shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. But please-I think I need you to stay. I can't-I mean I won't cope. Please, CJ." Toby shifted his eyes away from hers, feeling the awkwardness of the moment. "And you know I love you. I-Jesus!"
Toby slid back down in exhaustion in the tub and CJ had just enough time to slide back under him. He ended up leaning against her with her arm around his shoulders. She smiled down at him, a little frightened.
"I-Toby, I don't know what to say. Are you okay? I mean-look. You need me here, I'll be here, sweets. Can you let it go for just the night? So I can clean you up and get you out of those stupid cow-print boxers?"
"They're not stupid."
"They are, and you know what? So are you," CJ said, and leaned down to kiss Toby.
Toby's eyes widened at the kiss, then he closed them gratefully and relaxed a little. CJ ended the kiss and leaned back. "Whoa," Toby breathed.
"Yeah. Look-let's get cleaned up and to bed. Deal with it in the morning."
"'kay."
CJ pushed Toby to a sitting position and scrubbed him down quickly, laughing a little when she ran her hands down to pull off Toby's boxers. He stopped her hands and managed to pull them off himself, shyly pulling his knees up. When he was scrubbed and clean, and looked a little better, CJ helped wrap him in a towel and led him to her bed.
Toby hesitantly lay back, worried he'd be sick, then relaxed into the bed. CJ removed the towel and pulled the sheet over him, then drew the duvet up to his chin. "Still cold?"
"No. Where's Josh?"
"Passed out in the living room," CJ said as she stepped back into the bathroom to take off her own wet clothes. Toby got a glimpse of her slim silhouette in the door before she reentered wrapped in her robe. She smiled at him and went out to check on Josh.
Josh was snoring with mouth hanging open, awkwardly curled up in CJ's chair. CJ smiled down at him, carefully shifting the back pillow so Josh was less cramped and very gently pulling Josh's shoes and mostly undone pants off his legs. CJ wondered why Josh had unbuttoned his pants anyway- did he expect to get lucky or something?
After making sure Josh was semi-comfortable and still alive, CJ went back into her room. Toby was asleep and breathing regularly if a little shallowly. She smiled down at him, turned off her bedside lamp, and got into bed.
Two hours later, CJ woke to a struggling next to her in the bed and turned groggily toward the commotion. Her eyes widened as she saw Toby struggling to sit up, his face a shade of red unnatural in anybody. CJ jumped up and turned to him, frightened.
Toby could feel himself begin to panic, unable to draw in a clear breath. He couldn't understand what was happening, why he felt his lungs turning liquid and cold, but knew he needed to breathe very badly.
CJ helped him sit up and watching him trying to draw in breath. "Toby? Toby, talk to me!"
Toby turned panicked brown eyes to her, desperate gasps coming loud and fast. He placed one hand on his chest and shook his head-I can't breathe.
"Oh shit-oh god! Come on Toby, breathe, dammit!"
Brown spots appeared in Toby's vision as he began to lose consciousness. He was trying to cough but didn't seem to have enough air to bring forth a cough. He flailed an arm out and CJ caught it, and with it his panic.
"No! Toby, please, please don't do this! Breathe goddammit!" CJ yelled.
Toby collapsed back, struggling ceased and eyes closed. CJ pulled him up again, slammed him hard twice on the back, and when he didn't respond, bent over him and started mouth-to-mouth.
Four, five breaths, and Toby started to cough hoarsely, eyes watering with the effort to breathe. His eyes opened and flashed wildly around, settling on CJ's stricken face. He made an effort to steady his breathing until he could pull in air without feeling panicked.
"Toby?" CJ asked hesitantly.
"CJ?"
From the doorway, a half-undressed and extremely confused Josh Lyman watched while leaning against the wall. "CJ, everything okay?"
CJ reflexively pulled the blanket up around herself. "He couldn't breathe, Josh."
Josh took a couple of steps into the room and looked down at Toby. "He okay?"
"Fine," Toby rasped. He noted he didn't quite feel like talking and wanted to vomit in the worst way.
"I think he'll be okay. You should go back to bed, Josh. But use the sofa."
"All right. Thanks," Josh said, and stumbled back out. CJ turned her attention back to Toby.
"So, Tobus. Think maybe the Scotch reacted badly with your drugs?" CJ asked. Toby looked sheepish.
"Maybe. And maybe-oh Jesus. I wanna throw up. Oh god."
CJ moved quickly and brought her bedroom trash can around in time for Toby to lean over the bed and vomit dryly. He retched a few times, brought some mucus but nothing much up, and rolled onto his back again. CJ put the trash can next to Toby's side of the bed and crawled over him back into bed. A fine sheen of sweat covered Toby and his skin smelled vaguely metallic. He looked absolutely exhausted. CJ tried to forget she'd just seen him black out. She was frightened.
CJ pulled just the sheet up over them both and moved next to Toby, one arm over the sheet covering his chest. Toby opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her.
"I'm so sorry," he said quietly, trying to connote sincerity with his eyes. Toby felt awful, physically and emotionally, and hated causing CJ any pain.
CJ smiled at him, gently rubbing his chest. "I know."
"I shouldn't have drunk anything."
"Yes."
"Still love me?" Toby let a small smile color his nearly-white face.
"No," CJ answered, and then laughed loudly. Toby blanched, then chuckled a little. He wiped his mouth with the sheet, smiled, and shifted down a little to kiss CJ's smiling mouth.
CJ accepted the kiss and brought one long leg over Toby's. They moved so they were lying facing each other, eyes locked. Toby let his hand rest on CJ's hip and loved the feeling of her hands moving on his back, sweaty as it was.
"Thank you for saving my life just now," he said with sincerity.
"You're welcome."
"And-thank you for saving my life all those other times."
"What do you mean, Toby?"
"Well-just, you know, taking care of me. I've been kind of a wreck. Thanks."
CJ saw how he shyly shifted his eyes down while he said this. "I was happy to do it. I just-I wish that-"
"What?"
CJ sighed. "Don't do that to yourself, Toby. You're so hard on yourself all the time, every day. I wish you'd stop hiding everything, until you freak out on us."
"I didn't freak out. I was sick." Toby felt himself protesting aimlessly.