A/N This is my first Grey's anatomy fanfiction and the same time the first story in English. English isn't my mother language, so I'm sorry of clerical errors. This is my fifth year when I study English in school. This story is very big achievement to me. I love writing and I'm very good at it in my own language which is Finnish.

I'm very big fan of Grey's Anatomy and Amelia Shepherd. I had loved this serie many years but this is the first time when I write fanfiction about it, so please don't judge me! I have hoped long time that Amelia and Arizona would be a real couple in the show, but that is not going to happen so I took reins in my own hands and started write this story. I hope I'm not the only one who have hoped that because I'm not a big fan of Amelia and Owen.

You can find this story in Tumblr too! My username is onlyfreakingsuperhero so the same which I have here and my blog's name in there is 'Wild Roses'. So go to follow me if you want! In Tumblr you can also ask me questions or go talk to me!

There's a link to my Tumblr: .

Hope you guys like it!

- Nipa

Disclaimer: Shonda Rhimes own Grey's anatomy, so everything belongs to her.

Re-written 29/4/2017

Epilogue

New life

Amelia Shepherd; usually very loud and fearless neurosurgeon sat quietly in waiting room of neurology department. Her blue eyes wandered restlessly around a room. Walls had painted with white and blue, this sedative combination, but in this situation it didn't calm her. Light shone from big windows and made a hospital look a little bit more desirable than it looked in Amelia's eyes today. She almost looked like a ghost with her pale skin and empty eyes. Her look was full of fear and sadness, when she nervously twiddled her dark red scarf which her brother had given her few years she was very steady nerved but this time she barely could keep it together. Her hands were sweaty and lump rose in her throat when she watched a beautiful silver ring on her left ring finger. It was her engagement ring which she had wore only a few months; since the day when James had proposed her. When everything was full of happiness and hope. Tears filled her blue eyes when she bit her pink lower lip and turned her head away from the ring. She squeezed her hand into the fist and sighed heavily. She maybe had to break his heart. Again she had to break her close one's heart. She had done it too many times and she wasn't sure if she could do it again. She just prayed that everything will be okay but deep inside her she had that feeling that she was wrong; very badly wrong about that. Almost everything depended on this doctor visit.

"Amelia Shepherd?" middle-aged man with shiny white jacket asked at the door of room 526. He had kind smile and deep brown eyes. That wasn't that man whl you expect to tell you the bad news. He could be a very nice person and a good doctor but right now he was the scariest people Amelia had ever seen. This reminded she about that doctor visit when she had been four-years-old. She'd had a influenza and she had scared a doctor more than anything because she had thought that she was going to die. But this time that scare was real; too real to even understand.

She swallowed the lump on her throat and stood up. Her legs were shaking and it felt like they can deceived in any second. She slowly walked step by step up to the doctor. She bit her lip nervously and shook doctor's hand weakly with her sweaty hand. She felt herself smaller and weaker than ever before in her life. She couldn't do or say anything; she couldn't intervene in her own destiny.

Amelia sat on a hard wooden chair next to a big oak desk. She blinked a room restlessly. Walls were clean white and there was a few brai posters on the walls. Everything was clean and systematic. Usually that made her feel good and familiar but now it was anything but that. It was anxiety and cruel. Then she took a good look at the doctor who had sat behind his oak desk. She saw this 'I'm sorry'- look in his eyes which every doctor – including her – gave to the patients when they had bad news. She took a deep breath and tried to get used about a thought about a tumor in her brain.

"God, I'm a neurosurgeon. I know very well the symptoms of the brain tumor! I every day tell peoples that they have to go earlier to a treatment. And now I don't even follow my own directive", she thought in her mind when first little tear drained on her cheek. She had tried keep her back but they just filled her eyes rapidly. She just wanted it to be over. She wanted her mom. She needed just someone to be next to her.

"So, last time you came up here we took CT-scan", the doctor explained professionally at the same time when he browsed distractedly Amelia's papers which were in a big sheaf.

"Yes I know. I'm neurosurgeon too and I know what these symptoms mean. Please, only tell me what kind of tumor it is and can we improve its", she said very seriously and rapidly. She didn't want wait any longer.

"Uh okay, it's very agressive glioblastoma. It's very big and advanced. It has almost reach an optic nerve", he said with sadly look in his eyes. Amelia froze in her place. She couldn't move. She couldn't think clearly. She just felt salty tears on her cheeks. Her eyes got redder and puffier than before she didn't want to cry but she couldn't help it at all.

"You mean that I'm going to die, right?" She asked with erratic voice and added carefully a question that she scared most "How much time I have?"

Doctor sighed heavily and said with compassion: "If you choose treatment you have about five months, because the tumor located near of the important area. We can remove only a minimal part of it and it is going to be very, very dangerous. You can lose your vision, or become deaf or at least you can die. But I still recommend it with cemo and radiation therapy if you want even a little bit more time with your family and friends."

Amelia played with her beautiful engagement ring and whiped her hot tears fastly away from her pinky cheeks before she asked quietly: "And without treatment I have? Two months? Three months?"

"In the best case you have four months, but at the end you will have very, very bad symptoms for example strong dizziness, eye shadows and motion management problems. If I say straight you are going to do slow death. It is going to be very difficult and painfull." Doctor said and tried to smile her sadly. "You can think few days before that the surgery is too risky to do."

"No" She said uncertainly. "I don't want treatment."

She wasn't sure if it was the right option but she didn't let anyone to touch her brain. At least she was going to dye so it didn't care at all. She just want live her last months without a scar on her head. She wanted to be free. She wanted to be alive. And that was what she was going to do her last months.

"Okay, then you are free to leave if you don't have any questions", Doctor said with surprise in his voice. His look was very symphatetic and Amelia appreciated that but right now she just wanted to be alone without those looks around her. But she had one question before she leaves. She wanted to see what was deep inside her head. What was the reason to her hopeless destiny.

"Mm, can I see CT scans?" Amelia asked carefully and looked at a grey floor nervously. She was scared to see the tumor which was in her head; destroying them right now.

"Yes, if you want" he replied wonderingly and turned to a computer side. Soon he showed her a scan of a big tumor. Amelia gasped shocked and covered her mouth with her hand. She had never seen this big brain tumor; brain cancer tumor actually. She couldn't realise that it was in her head! She was; or soon had been; neurosurgeon and she knew that any treatment in the world couldn't save her from this. Even her brother who was country's best neurosurgeon couldn't remove tumor like that. She was doomed to destruction.

Amelia noded little and took a long, deep breath before she turned her eyes to doctor who's eyes are full of pity. She hated saw pity in doctors eyes when they looked at their patients; but now she understood why they looked at patients with pity. She was going to die. This wasn't bad dream. She couldn't go to her parents' bed and let them comforted her – told her that it was only bad dream. But this was real life; cold and real life. She was going to die; roughly and painfully.

Amelia rapidly stood up. Her legs were weak and the lump in her throath was going to grow. She couldn't breath. She couldn't think. She barely could move. She went to the door step by step without saying a word.

"Thanks for your time, have a nice day!" was the last thing that she said to the doctor before she pushed a white door open and stepped to a big hallway.

"A blessed life to you!" She heard behind her and her lips turned a little sad smile. A blessed life was too much to ask. It was closer to blessed four months before she will fade away.

Amelia searched her car keys in her pockets with sweaty and shaking hands. Finally she found a little key from her grey jacket's right pocket. She unlocked her black car's doors and clumsily opened the car's door. She fastly jumped in her car to a soft chair. And then – she broke down. She pressed her face to her hands. Her eyes were already puffy and reddish but now they got puffier than ever. Tears fastly fell to her soft and warm cheeks like a big waterfall.

"No, no, this can't be real!" Amelia sobbed quietly. "Why me?"

A big circus of pictures was going on her little mind. What will her family think when they got a call where someone tell that she is dead? Or what pain she will cause to James? Will she see her little unicorn baby? Or Ryan? Was heaven real? Or was she going to hell? She saw all those options in her head. She could imaged what will happen. She could saw her mother crying on her grave which was wrought with purple and white wild flowers and white candles. Ryan with her little unicorn baby in the white room where everything was silent and comfortable; in heaven. Derek comforts his three remaining sisters in Amelia's room in their childhood home where everything looked almost same as always but there was a black and white photo of her and next to it was a little porcelain angel statue with a white candle which flame fluttered restlessly. And of course James. He was in their small apartment sitting on their bed which looked so empty without Amelia. His brown eyes were full on tears and sadness. He had lose his love of life. That picture scratched Amelia's heart very badly. Now it was sure; Amelia had to broke his heart. She couldn't watch his sadness and pain. She could't give more pain to him. James was so kind and caring; a perfect husband. He wanted babies; a big family with Amelia; but she could't give it to him. So maybe the best option was that she had to leave him. It was easier to just run away from him than explain how she was going to die and everything what they had plained was umnecessary and useless. He didn't deserve her; a woman with a big cancer tumor in her head. She had to travel away somewhere where no one couldn't find her. She needed space to breath; space to life her last months.

She pulled her now puffy face away from her hands. She almost couldn't stop crying but tear by tear she calmed a little bit. And soon her crying was just a memorie. She bit her lower lip and tried shape up a little bit. She had decide the rest of her life with honor; because she had to.

Amelia started the car determinedly and wiped away the last tears. She tried to smile her fake smile because she wanted to look happy and healthy but the performanve wasn't very convincing. She sniffled with weak sobs:"Maybe I haven't been created to be happy, but I want to be strong and even tried to be happy."

Amelia fastly ran cold stone stairs up to the third floor. She walked to the last door which was dark and made by wood. She put a little silver key in lock that was on the old door. The door clicked open smoothly and Amelia put the key back to her pocket. On the door was a text where read: 'Shepherd Peterson' on a little and shiny golden tile. She pulled the door open carefully and sounded if there was someone in home but their house was completely silent and empty.

She stopped sadly to watch their cozy apartment. It wasn't too big, there was couch and many pillows, little kitchen and big bedroom in there. The yellow wallpapers were little bit old and there wasn't a big TV but it was still very homely to her. She loved to be here. It was her safe place. Her home where she could be herself completely anf there was no one who could criticize what she did or didn't do. Their home was perfect to them; little and cozy.

Amelia rapdly woke up from her drems and realized how much the clock was. She had to be fast because James is coming home in an hour. So she ripped one white page from her purple notebook which had darker purple balls on it. Before she started write first tears filled her beautiful blue eyes. Tears fell to a white paper and made there big wet points everywhere. She started writing really carefully but soon words just come to the paper and there was a whole letter to her soon ex-fiànce.

Dear James

At first, I love you. You should know that. But I have to go, althought I don't want, but I have to. You have to understand because if you don't I can't ever forgive to myself. Only think I want is have family with you, get married and be happy, but I can't now or never. Someday you are going to know why, but today isn't that day.

With love

Amelia

Amelia really hoped that James got clear of few last words because her hand had been shaking so much because she had sobbed so hard when she had written. She leaved the wet paper piece on a small kitchen table with her silver engagement ring on top of it. It was the saddest view in the times.

She clenched her hand in tight fists and swallowed a big lump from her sore throat. She had to do this. There wasn't any other options in there right now; this was the only way to survive. She turned around slowly and walked in their little bedroom.

There was a big bed with a beige counterpane and a few matching pillows. Smell of the room was so familiar it took back many good memories with it. She remembered those times when they were just lie here and James were held her tightly close to him. Those times when they had made love right here in this bed. Those times when they had eat here hamburgers and french fries. Those times when she had cried without restraint in his strong arms. Those happy but painfully memories.

"Now Amy, you have to just do this; right now, right here", she said to herself and closed her eyes for a second. She just breathed the smell of the room and let the memories filled her mind before she centralize to what she was doing.

Amelia took her red suitcase to their bed and opened it quickly. She just threw almost all her clothes in the suitcase roughly. Her eyes randomly hit the one oversized black t-shirt in the suitcase. It had belonged to Ryan; to her dead fiànce and father of her son who was also in his grave. At the same time she pointed a black jacket which was on her when she had the first real conversation with James over an year ago. These clothes had too much memories, painfully scars and sad moments. She couldn't keep them; not anymore when she had to forgot her old live almost completely. She could left these behind her. She could by new clothes with out any memories from somewhere where she was going to.

She leaved the opened suitcase on the big bed and walked slowly in the small living room. She grabbed her black bag from the grey couch. She walked to the door last time. She grabbed a cold door handle and was almost pushing it down. Before she pushed the door open she watched behind her once to their apartment. This was her old life. She had lived it many, many years. And now she had to start over, again. She hade to leave it all behind her. She sighed heavily and stepped reluctanly out of the door to her new and maybe a little bit short life.

Amelia stood in the empty hallway. She stared right in front of her to the outside. Kt was raining pretty hard. She thought where she could go. She didn't had many places nut this one which jumped in her mind. She sighed when she realised that this rainy weather will be her future almost every day because she had almost only one place to go.

She dug her phone out of her small bag and opened it wretchedly. She searched a phone number of the airport rapidly and push a call key ponderously. Her phone alarmed few times before a nice airport receptionist answered the phone. Amelia sighed and asked kindly: "Hi, I would like to book one airline ticket to Seattle to tonight's flight, please?"