She's been around the world, touring for a full year and selling out venues, meeting celebrities, fans, agents. She's supposed to be having the time of her life, so why is she always so down? She's been lying in bed for an hour staring into the darkness that surrounds her.
It's another hotel room, another bed that she's partially soaked with vodka from the liquor store across the street. She knows the danger of drinking in bed, the smell lingers all night, it's why she feels the urge to have more when she wakes up, which is usually in a few hours. Sometimes on a really good night, she can get four hours of sleep.
The only thing that helps her get through the day is the goal of getting back to the room and drinking, wherever she ends up.
This wasn't supposed to be her life. She wasn't supposed to be a ridiculous and over sexualised pop star that half the world loved and the other half loathed. She wanted to be behind the scenes with actual control over her music and sound. She was an idiot for thinking she could break into her dream career.
She's put herself in this loneliness, she stopped talking to her friends because she was so embarrassed and worried about her public image. Her whole team kept threatening her with her contract, if she said no to something, they'd say it's part of the deal and they could sue her. Assholes. She's given up everything, her dreams, her friends and her dignity. Even her self respect was left somewhere long ago. That's why she needs to drown out her thoughts with alcohol. Whatever works.
Her health was on a pretty slow decline, and she knew that, everyone on her team probably knew as well. She was exhausted physically and mentally and they didn't care. She was a cash cow. Until she dropped dead, and maybe even after, they were going to keep using her. The worst part about that is she didn't have any reason to fight back, she was being their puppet.
She finished her second album a few weeks ago, so the plan was to finish her tour, immediately go into the publicity tour and then her new record tour right after. IE, no break. It was probably for the best, she wouldn't know what to do if she did have time to herself. Where was she supposed to go? She didn't really have a home anymore, she hasn't talked to Amy since she left. Maybe a few words here and there in texts, but she stopped replying.
Sometimes she looks at their Facebook pages, she'll see the little green dots by their names and consider reconnecting, instead she just picks up the bottle on the table and walks away. She can't understand herself sometimes. There were a lot of unread messages in her inbox, some of them she can open, but there's always that one. The message thread with the most unread messages. The most painful, and the easiest to walk away from and ignore.
That image that pops up in her head every time she sees Chloe's name at the top of the message made it easy to close the window. She still sees them clearly. That day was meant to be the day she stopped pussyfooting around and came clean to Chloe. They were already practically together anyway, they shared a bed for years. It was the worst day of her life, and now she's stuck in this Hell. She can't forgive Chloe, and she sure can't forget either.
At that moment, lying in bed and marinating in that thought and image, she sat up a little too fast. The dizzying effect of the alcohol took a moment to get control of, just enough to get across the room to the brown paper bag on the table. She shouldn't crack into the second bottle, but she does. The moment the strong taste hits her tongue, she closes her eyes and starts gulping.
She almost vomits when she stops and puts the bottle onto the table again. Long breaths, slow blurring vision. That's better. She's about to -
She wakes up on the rug in the middle of the living room. Her head was heavy, her mouth tasted gross. She groaned as she slowly rolled onto her side and pushed herself up. She needed to sit against the couch for support.
"Fuck." She whispered to herself. At least this time she didn't vomit somewhere. Unless she did and it was just waiting for her. It's never easy to clean that up out of carpet.
She had to wait a while to get up to her feet and go shower. A bit of plain toast, then some coffee. She was ready for another day of shit, and out she goes to meet up with Theo.
"Jesus. I can smell you from here. Get some mints." Theo said as he approached her in the cafe.
She reached into her pocket and shook the small container of mints at him. She has one in her mouth, obviously the smell was on her clothes.
"You can't go anywhere smelling like that. We'll have to get a new outfit somewhere." He hardly looked at her while he talked, he was too distracted by his phone.
"Okay." She said quietly, but annoyed.
She watched him hold his phone up to his ear, he stared at her as he talked to her stylist. "Yeh, hey. We need to get Beca a new outfit. Make sure it doesn't stink like vodka and sadness."
She rolled her eyes and turned her head away from him, setting her sights on a happy group in the corner of the cafe. She watched them all laughing and having the fun that she used to have with her girls. Then she had to look in another direction, or she was gonna cry.
"Good, we'll see you soon." Theo hung up his phone and started getting up already. "Come on, we're on a time crunch now."
She didn't argue, she just got up lazily and followed him out. A few people pointed at her as she walked toward the car, she's been getting used to that slowly. It's awkward, especially when they run at her for autographs.
"We're starting the video shoot tomorrow, you're gonna have to get your shit together. You can't show up like this on set." Theo put his hand on her lower back when she was about to get into the car, she hates that. He gives her a little push, and she climbs in.
She's glad for the seat between them in the back of the car, but sometimes she isn't so lucky and there's a third, he always sits right against her. He's put his hands on her far too many times and it never matters what she says or does, he's a sleaze.
"Did you hear me?" He asked loudly while she was putting on her seatbelt.
"Yes." She said just as loud. She wasn't in the mood for his crap, she needs another coffee.
"Good. Wal is getting sick of this shit too. I'm sick of reporting that you're off your face all the time."
"Whatever dude. I get it." She looked out the window on her side, and he kept talking and lecturing her the entire way to her stylist's workshop. She stopped listening. It was the same shit every time.
She wasn't all that present while her stylist was fitting her for outfits, Theo kept suggesting short, tight fitting clothing and her stylist, a woman, was carefully challenging the suggestions. She ended up in a power suit, but the jacket was open enough to show cleavage. She likes her stylist.
"Thanks, Fran." She said quietly when she has the chance. Theo walked off to take another call.
"It's fine, I work with men like that every hour, every day." Fran smiled at her, but it slowly returned to a frown. "I know this isn't my place, but if you're struggling, you should take time off for some self care."
"I'm fine. It was just a big night. My friend's birthday." She lied, but Fran smiled again, so it worked.
"Oh. Well that's good. I was worried. You never know who's tripping over the edge in this business."
"I know, don't worry. I'm no Charlie Sheen." She faked a smile and Fran chuckled.
She sighed as she walked for the door, Theo gestured for her to follow him out. He was still on the phone, and still managed to put his hand on her back as she got in the car.
At the studio for a late show interview, she managed to get some more coffee. She popped a few more mints and got through the interview fine. They don't last long, but she's there for hours. Luckily that sucked up enough time, she got to go back to her hotel room. Another night of drinking herself to sleep.
She didn't black out, but she woke up groggy and annoyed. She sprayed her clean clothes down to try and mask any smell of alcohol, and when she met Theo outside, he seemed impressed that she didn't look or smell like shit.
They drove out to a warehouse with a green screen and she started the long day of doing reshoot after reshoot of the simplest, dumbest video ever. She was basically just sitting or writhing around in underwear and robes with some guy who calls himself a model. Thankfully, with such a stupid video and no plot to it, they only needed one full day to shoot it and it probably won't take long to edit it into a music video.
The guy in the liquor store probably expects her now. He's always working the evening shift, and she's been going in there every night since she got into the city. She could walk further out and find another store, but there wasn't much point to it. He's friendly enough, she doesn't know if he recognises her, she wears a cap and glasses. A great disguise, not.
"Thanks." She says as she takes the brown bag from him and turns to leave as a giggling trio walked through the door. She froze because she knows all three of them, and audibly gasped. She span around and started to walk for one of the aisles.
"Beca?" Someone called out. God, it's been ages since she's heard that voice. She stopped and paused to take a breath before she turned around again. The image of Chloe and that guy flashed in her mind when she looked into sweet, bright blue eyes. "Oh my god!" Chloe rushed toward her, and Amy and Aubrey followed.
She was stuck in the middle of an unwanted group hug, and the only thing she was clinging to were her bottles of vodka. She waited awkwardly for the girls to release her and move back, then she forced a smile. "Hi guys."
"How's it all goin'?" Amy asked, the blonde was looking her over curiously, if anyone could see through her fake bullshit, it was this Australian.
"It's going busy. I'm in the middle of a shoot, so I should probably..." She pointed for the door and the three of them looked back at her with disappointed expressions, not at her, because she had to go. Or she hoped, anyway.
"You can't stay for a few minutes? We haven't seen you for a year." Chloe quietly begged. She could hardly look at the redhead without clenching her jaw.
"No. I can't." She should have tried to hide the tone, but Chloe just seemed to bring that out now. She glanced at the redhead before she walked around the girls.
"Okay." She heard Chloe's sadness, and it drove a stabbing pain right into her chest, but she kept walking.
Her heart was racing, even when she was in the safety of her hotel room, she was shaking and unscrewing the lid off one of the bottles desperately. She drank so much so fast, she's surprised she even made it to the bathroom to vomit, not that it stopped her bender.
Something seemed to snap in her mind, she went back to the liquor store, stumbled through it and tried to buy another four bottles, but the nice guy behind the counter wasn't so nice anymore.
"Sorry, I don't think I can sell you these." He said.
"Uh, why? I'm a paying cushtomer. Do it." She said, slamming her hand down on the counter.
"You're um... You're a little too far in the bag, we can decline a sale if we feel like-"
"I'm not fucking in any bag, just sell me the fucking bottles!"
"I can't." He was still trying to seem nice, and that pissed her off.
"Fine." She picked up one of the bottles and started untwisting the lid right in front of him. She stared at him while she started to drink it, and he sighed at her. How dare he judge her. She stopped drinking from the bottle and pulled her arm back, then she threw the bottle at him. She may have been a little in the bag.
It shattered against the wall of bottles behind him, glass and liquor went everywhere around him. She went to grab another bottle that she had on the counter and he grabbed it and wrestled it away from her.
She threw both of her arms across the counter and sent bags of snacks scattering across the floor, then she stormed out of the shop. An hour later and she was lost and wandering aimlessly around a city she doesn't know very well. Red and blue flashing lights stopped beside her.
Waking up in a cell was a new low for her. Plus, she couldn't brush her teeth, she felt like shit for hours until Theo bailed her out. He didn't say anything to her on the way to her hotel room.
So she lost it a little, big deal. It was no reason for him to follow her up to her hotel room and start packing her clothes into her suitcase. "Does this mean I'm fired?" She asked, hopeful.
"No. This means you're pathetic, and you're going to rehab. Which costs us money. We had a publicity tour planned and you've fucked us out of it. This is all coming from your pay checks." He said angrily as he continued shoving her stuff into the suitcase.
"Rehab? Why? I don't need rehab."
"Oh, yes you do. You need a fucking tonne of rehab." He zipped up the case and picked it up. "You're lucky we aren't taking this further. Go get in the car."
"No." She crossed her arms, and he dropped the case and stared her down. Suddenly she was too unsettled to stand up to him. She started to walk away, and he picked up the case again and followed her closely.
The clinic looked more like a resort than a rehab place, it must be the celebrity break time place. She has her doubts that this place has any health professionals in it.
"Right this way, Rebecca." A woman said to her, she snapped out of looking at the lobby area and at a well dressed ...maybe nurse. She isn't sure how this place works. She took her suitcase from Theo and paid no attention to him.
"Can you call me Beca? I hate the name Rebecca." She said as she followed the woman through a quiet lounge area.
"Of course. I'll put it on your paperwork. This is our lounge area, you're welcome to it any time of the day or night, just remember to keep the noise to a minimum. Down here is the dining area."
She followed this woman for a while before they got to her room. It was fancier than her hotel room, but the downside is that she has no liquor store across the road here. But in movies, there's always a way to get something in rehab.
It's only been a day and a half and she's got fever sweats and headaches. It shouldn't be this hard to get over some drinks. She can't sleep, or eat. All she wants is release. The upside to withdrawals is that she isn't doing much thinking. Not yet anyway. That comes after a week.
Once her body was clear, her mind was the next to break. She started thinking about everything at she was caught on before. Her image, her lack of self respect, her loneliness.
This place wasn't like a hotel when it came to the staff, they were quite helpful. It took her a while to figure that out and allow herself to open up a little. Then some more. All she had was time, she wrote down a lot of her thoughts, that sort of manifested into lyrics. She's never been a songwriter, it's never been a talent she explored.
She passed on a few things to her assigned therapist, Winona, they sorted through things and she had some form of hope for her future again.
"Beca."
She was in the middle of lunch when someone called to her. Her therapist. "Can we chat for a minute?"
"Sure..." She stood up and cleaned up her food first, then she followed her therapist into the meeting room.
"You have visitors, but I feel like we should go over a few things first."
"Okay." She was confused, it was probably her father though.
"You said a while ago that you felt hurt and upset with your friends." Winona said softly. Her stomach flipped, she wasn't sure who was there and now she was worried. "Do you feel like you're ready to address that?"
"Who is it?"
Winona looked down at a post-it note on the front of her file. "Amy and Chloe." And there goes her stomach again.
"I don't know." She said apprehensively. "I can't even look at her."
"Amy or Chloe?"
She hesitated for a moment, she hasn't addressed this even with herself yet. "Chloe."
"What makes you feel you can't look at her?"
Instead of opening up like she probably should have, she decided to fake out and shrug it away. "I'd like to try. Maybe it's just about being embarrassed about what I've been wearing and stuff in public."
"If you aren't sure, we can put it off until you are."
"I'm sure." She said without hesitation. Winona waited to give her the chance to back out, but she didn't.
"Okay, I'll bring them in."
She was wringing her hands in her lap while her therapist was out of the room. The door opened and she didn't get up from her seat, she watched Amy and Chloe walk into the room. They both smiled at her, but they were different, sad for her maybe.
They sat opposite her and Winona left the room.
Silence.
"How are you?" Amy asked, humourless and concerned doesn't suit the blonde.
"Going fine." She shrugged. "Still here, still alive."
"Why are you here?" Chloe asked. Her heart fluttered at first, then she looked at the redhead and it turned to the painful stabbing.
"Oh, just for the Jellybeans." She said sarcastically and rolled her eyes.
Chloe was caught off guard and confused. She can't really blame Chloe, it must have been hard to be so caught up in yourself to notice things going on around you. "What's with you? Why are you so rude to me?"
She inhaled slowly and kept staring at Chloe, she wasn't even sure how she was going to respond. The longer she stared though, the less sure she was of herself and she ended up saying nothing at all. She kept seeing Chloe with that guy and it was dragging her back into the darkness.
"Beca, I'm worried about you. That's why I'm-"
"Were you worried a year ago?" She asked with a cutting tone.
"What? Of course, I've been messaging you."
"Not the messages. I don't give a shit about during the last year. I'm talking about a year ago." She needed to reign herself in, she knew that, but Chloe just kept looking confused. "You had no problem ditching me just to get off with a guy."
Chloe blinked at her a few times and it started to sink in for them both. She finally said it out loud, which was an achievement for herself. "Why does that bother you?"
"You're so fucking clueless." She spat as she pushed herself up and started moving toward the door.
"Beca, stop." Chloe said loudly. "You can't just walk away all the time, it isn't fair."
"No. What isn't fair is the fact that you fucking knew I had feelings for you and you still went off and shoved your tongue down his throat right after my fucking performance!"
"Was I supposed to wait forever?"
"You already waited for seven fucking years, you couldn't wait another hour? I had to watch you fall all over yourself because of some douche in uniform, I watched you leaving."
"I didn't leave, you left. You stopped talking to me."
"I can't even look at you without wanting to cry, why the fuck would I stick around?"
"Nothing happened."
"You're a liar." She caused a long silence, and Chloe started to tear up on her, which made it really hard to control her own emotions.
"When I kissed him-"
"I don't want to hear this." She interrupted.
Chloe stepped toward her and she stepped back and ended up against the door. "When I kissed him, I realised he wasn't the one that I wanted to be with." Chloe continued anyway.
"Great. You had to make out with someone else to realise that."
"It wasn't ideal, or even right. I'm sorry you saw it, but you shut me out and I couldn't talk to you at all."
"I don't want to be with someone who kisses people to see whether they want to fuck them or not."
"That is not what happened." Chloe was more annoyed than upset now, it's been a long time since she's seen that fire. She couldn't look for long though, she had to stare at the wall. "I wanted someone to love me, I was desperate and lonely, and just like right now, you kept turning me away. I tried to settle and I couldn't because they weren't you."
She tried with all of her inner strength, but after a second, she was sobbing into her hands. Chloe gave her a few moments before moving forward to hug her. "I can't stop seeing it." She sobbed into Chloe's shoulder.
"I know." The redhead whispered into her ear and held her tighter. "If I could take it back, I would."
It took her a few minutes to regain composure, and once she did, she felt so much lighter. Maybe even a little free. The darkness wasn't swirling around her as much. She had room in her head. She looked at Chloe, the tears were still burning in her eyes, but now she could really look at this girl again, the one she's loved all these years.
Chloe reached up to wipe her tears away and smiled warmly. "You aren't allowed to stop talking to me now."
She laughed softly, and probably for the first time in months. "I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be, I understand." Chloe said quietly. She looked away for a moment to take a few breaths and Chloe touched her arm to bring her back into the moment.
"What happens now?" She asked before Chloe could say something.
"I'm not sure. We...reconnect and you get better. We don't need to go running into this."
"Probably wise. Just..."
"I'll wait for you. You don't have to worry this time, I promise." Chloe beat her to it. She felt bad for the thought, but she did still have at image.
She nodded slowly. "Okay."
"Well." Another voice cast into the room and she felt her cheeks flush. "That was the best soapie I've ever seen, you guys should write a show about this." Amy said, beaming with a smile.
"Jesus." She murmured. She forgot Amy was there. Chloe smiled just as widely as Amy was, so obviously she was the only one who thought they were alone.
"Seriously, I reckon you could win awards for that. Redo it so I can record it." Amy pulled out a phone and held it up, but she turned around to hide her face. She didn't need to be seen all puffy and red.
"No, Amy!" She said quickly.
"It's okay, people will just think you're really good at acting."
Chloe laughed softly and slid behind her to get in the way. "Amy, no."
"Hey, just because you're a vet doesn't mean you can talk to people like dogs."
"Be more well behaved then."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
The back and forth went on for a while, and she had to turn around to watch the two of them arguing like children, it made her smile. There was hope for her, she feels that now.
She started to use the time at rehab more seriously, she allowed herself to open up to Winona more, she worked through some things and had a few sessions with Chloe there to try and find a way to get past the constant hurdle in her head.
They had some group sessions with Theo and with her new sense of fight, she organised break days and time off. She had weekends back. She allowed him creative control of her music if she got to choose her own outfits. It was all added to a new contract. It'd help with her self respect, she didn't have to look and dress a certain way anymore, it just meant he had control of her music for five albums.
She checked herself out of Hotel Rehab, with Winona's blessing. Instead of going to a hotel room and being alone, she went to the old apartment she shared with Amy and Chloe. They were still living there, which was nice. It looked the same, she still had a lot of her stuff there that Chloe never packed away. It was as if the last year never happened.
"Same side?"
She looked over her shoulder and found Chloe at the door in blue scrubs and leaning on the door frame. "Yeah. Unless you want to switch?"
"Nope. I'm fine."
They smiled at each other and she had to look away while Chloe was getting changed, which was something new. She never really did that. She's seen everything. Everything. Multiple times. Chloe had no sense of boundaries even when they were naked. Now it just felt like it was a little inappropriate to watch someone undressing when there's a tension that neither of them address.
She crawled into bed and Chloe wasn't that far behind. They had just spent the whole evening together, eating dinner, watching movies, talking. It shouldn't feel this awkward just being side by side.
"Is it weird? Because I can go to Amy's room." She offered.
Chloe's hand slid across the bed to hers. There was enough light from the street shining in around the curtain for her to see Chloe's head turn to look at her. She looked back and they looked at each other silently for a few moments. "I don't want you to go anywhere." Chloe admitted in a quiet voice.
"Okay." She swallowed nervously, because her heart was now racing a little too fast. Something was going to happen, it was only a matter of time. Instead of waiting for it, she rolled onto her side and got on top of the redhead. There was a brief moment where she hesitated and hovered there, but Chloe reached up to her cheek so she lowered her body down and finally kissed her best friend.
It was slow, sweet and passionate. Then it started shifting to a little hotter, then very hot. It was hard to tear herself away but she was trying to take things slower than that. She wasn't shooting for sex.
Her lips were tingling, her heart pounding. She held herself up with her arms and Chloe brushed her lips with a gentle touch.
"I love you."
She blinked a few times, because she wasn't sure she heard it right. Chloe whispered it. She was hit in the heart, but in a good way. She wanted to cry, and smiled instead. Happiness was weird. "You do?" She whispered back, and Chloe nodded. "I love you too." She whispered again as she closed the gap again.
Then they fucked. You're welcome.