Authors note:
I don't even know where to go with this. It was just something I needed to get out of my head. Not sure if you want to keep reading but please leave a review letting me know? The italics are flashbacks.
Thank you! I love you : )
Love,
JMO
It's been twenty-four months 31 days and 10 hours since I haven't seen your sparking blue eyes. 24,837 hours since I've felt your body pressed up behind me whispering sweet nothings into my ear. It's been exactly twelve months (one year) since I've received a letter from you or even a phone call. I remember the day the red cop car showed up at our house telling me the news that every army wife fears.
I'm sitting in front of Rachel and Quinn at the dinner table and we're talking about how obsessed Rachel is with Barbra Streisand and it's the first time I smiled in months because Quinn is getting jealous of Barbra Streisand saying that Rachel should have married Barbara instead of her. Quinn looks over at me, "Oh don't you laugh! Have you seen Britt obsess over someone else? No? Well you can't laugh!" I laughed harder because it felt good to laugh again.
"No my wife wouldn't be obsessed with anyone but me, I mean come on. Have you seen me!?" Quinn's eyes widen and she turns to Rachel, "You don't think I'm sexy enough. That's what it is right?!" I almost fall out of my chair laughing. Quinn continues, "Rachel Fabray do you picture her while we're having sex?!" At that I do fall out of my chair and laugh so hard my stomach starts to hurt. Rachel's face is bright red, "Of course not Quinn! See what you started Santana!" I get up and go over to their side and hug them as they both hug back Rachel is the first to speak, "What's this for?"
I pull away and simply shrug. "Thank you for making me smile." They both give me a sad smile. Quinn stops smiling and quickly gets up and goes to the door and Rachel quickly distracts me by hugging me again and pulls away when Quinn walks back in the room speaking really softly and low, "Santana?" Something's wrong. I can feel it. I quickly turn my head to look at her and she speaks, "Someone's at the door." I rush over to the door to see two army men standing on my porch with a letter in their hands. I started to read,
"The Secretary of War regrets to inform you that Private Brittany S. Lopez Pierce has been declared missing in action on September 12th."
I couldn't read anymore because the tears were falling so fast and my breath was caught in my throat, I felt like I was choking. I felt like I couldn't even stand, I let out this gut wrenching cry and before I could hit the ground the two soldiers caught me and pulled me into a tight embrace. I heard Rachel and Quinn cry softly, they must have read the letter. "What…What happened?" I managed to choke out between sobs. Quinn and Rachel helped me to the couch and the men followed taking a seat in front of me. Rachel and Quinn must have invited them in but I couldn't focus properly.
"We were in the chopper and all of a sudden bombs started going off all around us. The enemy attacked out of nowhere and the chopper PVT Pierce was in went down. We have located four other soldiers but PVT Pierce along with PVT Hudson and PVT Puckerman have been declared missing in action. We are not sure whether or not they are being held hostage by the enemy or lost. As commander and chief I promise you ma'am as soon as we get a lead we will inform you. We're sorry." I got up and ran and stumbled all the way to the bathroom and threw up. This isn't happening. Not to me. Please God let this be some sick fucking joke. I felt Rachel hold my hair as Quinn rubbed my back.
It's new years eve today Britt. Last year I didn't go out because I felt so wrong without you so I curled up on the couch in your sweats and t-shirt and drank until I forgot where I was. This year I'm throwing a get together at our house. They found Finn and the day he came home I couldn't help but run up to him and hit him and scream, "Why is it you!? Where the fuck is my wife!?" No one blamed me or told me I was wrong because I probably would have cut them into tiny pieces. Everyone knows I'm hurting but they don't ever bring you up unless I do because if not I break and crumble into tiny pieces and cry like a little baby and no one ever knows what to do.
Tonight I can't breathe. There's too many people here and everyone keeps staring at me with sad sympathetic eyes and I can't take any of it. I keep going to the bathroom to cry, fix my make-up then come back out like nothing happened. Everything smells like you all the time. At the grocery store our wedding song came on and I had to stop shopping and leave because I was such a wreck. There's a super massive black hole in my chest that gets bigger and bigger every day that you're not here by my side. Finn tried to tell me something about the day the chopper went down but I wont listen to him. I don't want to hear it and I definitely don't need a more vivid mental image of my wife in a plane crash. Your family is here tonight. When I was standing in the corner with Quinn talking my ear off I saw your sister walk in the room and my heart dropped and I gasped. She's always looked so much like you from far away.
When she hugged me I cried so hard that your dad had to pick me up and bring me upstairs to our room and hold me for an hour straight. This is so hard for me and I feel like I'm dying a slow, painful, agonizing death. Would you believe me if I said I actually want to die? Every time that feeling hits me like a pile of bricks I call your mom and she reminds me that I have to stay strong. When I tell my mom she tells me I can't because I should be waiting for you when you come home. She tells me all the time that you'll be back.
Is it wrong that I'm loosing hope? I don't understand how I am going to start a new year without you again. How the fuck is this world still moving on when I am stuck and so heartbroken still feeling the warmth of your lips on mine or still hearing the echo of your voice through the house screaming to me from upstairs that you forgot to buy toilet paper and you need me to throw you up some. That always made me laugh like a little kid and I still don't know why it was so funny to me but it was. How is the world moving so fast when I can still see you dancing in the living room next to the fireplace in only your underwear and a t-shirt listening to John Mayer.
I'm sitting on the couch watching everyone dance and have fun. I see Finn sit next to me and speak, "I'm so sorry I came back and not her… I know you hate me…" I shook my head softly, "I don't hate you Finn. Please can we talk about this tomorrow or something? I don't want to feel the pain again.." I lied. I already feel it. He nods and respects my wishes and as he gets up Rachel takes his spot. You'd be so shocked at how close we've gotten even though you know deep down I've always admired her. "The ball is going to drop soon. Are you doing the countdown with us?" I just shrug. I don't even feel like being here, I just want to be in your arms smelling you, taking in your intoxicating vanilla smell. I tried my hardest to look hot tonight because every other day I look like a homeless grandpa.
Rachel speaks again, "She'd want you to be happy Santana." I look at her with a disgusted look, "Don't. Don't fucking talk about her like she's dead Rachel!" Rachel's face softens, "I'm sorry San." I just look at the floor swallowing back my tears. I haven't cried in several hours and I am seriously proud of myself. The clock is ticking closer and everyone is gathered around the TV. I feel suffocated, there are too many people around me and suddenly everything is too loud. "30.…28..." I can't do this. I tried and I can't.
I quickly pushed through the crowd and ran outside. The cold air hit me like a train and I couldn't hold it back anymore and my tears broke free falling down my cheeks like acid rain and it burned. I was sobbing and I couldn't stop. I put my head in my hands and whispered, "Where the fuck are you Britt?" My eyes are closed and I can hear a car pull up and people get out and doors shutting. That didn't make me look up because it's probably someone being fashionably late. I cried harder hearing them shouting the countdown. I can hear heavy boots get closer and I think I'm going fucking crazy because the way this person is walking is sounding much like the way you walk.
I'm shaking and it's hard to catch my breath as I whisper into the cold night, "Brittany please come home soon." I'm praying and begging because I can't do this without you any longer. I might me hallucinating because I am pretty sure I can hear you speak, "I'm right here." I don't look up I just cry harder until I hear a smooth angelic voice speak louder, "Open your eyes." My head quickly snaps up and I think I'm on drugs because I think I'm staring straight at you in your uniform. This can't be true. I stand up and move back a little trying to get a better look. You're crying and you look so nervous.
The only thing I can get out is a scream as I jump on you. I can hear the door opening and people rushing outside to see what the scream was about and everyone gets silent. A few gasps were heard here and there. Your hair is longer but you still look so perfect. I don't want to let go because my knees feel weak and I'm afraid that if I let go of you then you'll disappear or this will be a sick dream. You're crying so hard and without hesitation I'm kissing you in front of everyone like there is no tomorrow. Your lips against mine feel so perfect and natural like breathing. You pull away as you look at everyone. They're all in tears but you wipe yours. Melissa is wrapped up in Puck and he smiles at me and I smile back. The first thing you says is, "5!" everyone looks at their watches and smiles as we all start to count down, "4.….." You pick me up holding me so tight that I think I could melt into you. "3.….." You whisper in my ear, "I love you so much Santana." You keep whispering sweet nothings in my ear. "2.….." I move my face to look at you. "1!" I lean into you and kiss you. Your lips still state so sweet like cinnamon. I don't realize that I'm crying until you pull away and wipe my tears. "I promised that I will always come back to you. Did you think I'd break it?" I smiled so big I think my skin is going to rip in half, "Never."
For the first time in twenty-four months 31 days and 12 hours I am smiling a real smile again and I'm staring into your sparkly blue eyes and taking in the intoxicating smell of vanilla. I look at you and the super massive black hole has quickly closed and breathing is easier for me. For once all is right in my world again.