I Won't Fight It
Thought I was free but I wasted.
All these years.
When she got home she threw her keys on the table, her go bag hitting the floor with a loud thump. It had been a long week and all she wanted to do was forget what a disaster her life was turning out to be. For the first time in ages, the house was quiet. Will had taken Henry to visit his grandparents for the weekend. She sighed, that was a whole other issue she didn't want to think about. Recent events had put a serious strain on their relationship. Although, if she was being honest the issues had been there since the beginning. She wondered when her life had gotten this fucked up. But she the answer, and it wasn't a what but rather a who. Her and Will were a great couple on paper, they were the definition of a supercouple but they weren't happy. At least not anymore. Will was leaving, going back to New Orleans and she wasn't even fighting him on it. She wasn't sure if it was because she no longer had the energy to fight or if it was because she actually wanted him out of her life. She went into the bathroom and turned on the taps for a bath. She needed to relax; otherwise, she wouldn't be able to breathe.
She grabbed a wine glass and the bottle and went back to the bathroom, waiting for the tub to fill. When she stopped the water, she put one foot in the scorching tub and immediately wanted to remove the burning foot. Instead of withdrawing, she lifted the other one in and let the boiling water touch the rest of her skin. She watched as the steam rose from the water and evaporated into the air. Candles had been placed around the room and the pleasant aroma of black cherry and spices were smelt every time she breathed. She closed her eyes and sunk into the bend of the tub, hearing only the sound of the soft tune playing in the background.
She tried not to think of what happened but she couldn't help it, it had once again invaded her mind. She shot up, water sloshed on the floor but she didn't care. She should want Will. She didn't want her, not really. She was simply a means to an end, an itch that she wanted to scratch a couple of times. It was the adrenaline from a rough case. She didn't have feelings for her, she couldn't. She didn't even belong to Will. She wasn't anybody's to have. So, then why did she feel this way? Why wasn't she there for the other woman when she needed someone. She sighed and continued to watch the steam rise from the tub.
The questions formed in her mind but she didn't want to answer them. So instead, she closed her eyes and sunk back into the tub. Slowly, she came down from her rant and really thought about everything. Love, it was such a powerful thing, a powerful word which she wasn't used to thinking about. Did she still love Will, she didn't know. That was lie, she knew, she just couldn't face the truth. She sighed, as she continued to listen to the low hum of the melody that filled her ears. She opened her eyes and finally admitted the truth. The truth was that yes, she loved him but she wasn't in love with him, not anymore. But that's not why she was so angry. She was in love with her not Will. As much as she tried not to. As much as she denied and forced her feelings back. As much as she forced herself to act like she hated the other woman. And she did hate her for not telling her the truth, for putting her in this position. But she also loved the other woman. And once again, the woman she gave her heart to, broke it. The woman she opened herself up to, betrayed her, again. But yet, she couldn't stop her feelings. And that's why she hated her. That's why she was so angry because with Will, she could've at least tried to love and be loved without many complications. With Will, she could've tried to forget about her, about them, about how the other woman made her feel. With Will, it would've been so much easier. It should've been so much easier. But after Paris, she could no longer live in denial. After Paris, it all became too much. She sunk further into the tub, the scorching water hitting her delicate skin.
"Passports from three different countries and a bank account in each to keep you comfortable," she said as she handed the package to her.
"Thank you," Emily took the package hesitantly like once she held it there was no going back.
"Good luck," she said and was surprised how steady her voice was.
Before she got up Emily's eyes pierced into hers. "Jennifer, you have to promise me that you'll keep take care of them, keep them safe, for me."
JJ could feel Emily's weight being put on to her own shoulders as she stared at Emily. "I promise that I'll-I'll keep them safe."
She nodded, her eyes shinning with unshed tears. "Goodbye, Jennifer."
She bit her lip, this couldn't be it, their last moment together. "Wait!"
The other woman stared at the hand on her arm before lifting her gaze. "Jen?"
She couldn't say it, even now the words wouldn't leave her throat. Instead, she rose from the seat and stood beside the other woman, invading her personal space. "Em I-"
The other woman stared at her for a moment, her facial expression unreadable. She leaned forward and for a fraction of a second, she thought that maybe she would close the distance between them. But then the other woman pulled back, her face morphing into an expression the blonde knew all too well. They never spoke about it before. But there was always an underlining tension that surrounded them, even from the beginning. They often ignored it because they both knew that nothing good would ever come out of it. But it was always there. Lingering glances, touches that lasted a little too long. There was that one night when the team went out for drinks and she found herself in a bathroom with the other woman, her back pressed against the bathroom stall. But that was years ago, and a couple of drunken one night stands in dirty bathrooms aren't exactly the kinds of things that are easy to bring up in conversations. Besides, she wasn't even sure if the other woman even thought about those nights. But in that moment, with those chestnut orbs staring at her so intensely, so focused. She would've bet her life that the other woman thought about them too. Maybe that's why she wasn't surprised when she heard the other woman's words.
"My place isn't too far from here." She whispered, before biting her lip slightly. "We could… continue this conversation."
Ten minutes later, she found herself being pushed up against the doorframe, the other woman's lips crashing onto hers. Her whole body ached; she ached as if there were a terrible hollow emptiness inside her. She was more conscious of Emily than she had ever been of anything or anyone else in her life. The faint blushing of her skin, the immense heat that seemed to radiate off her. The softness of Emily's hands that were now roaming her body. Her scent, she smelt of black cherries and coffee, her mouth. The softness to it, the way her bottom lip seemed to pout. She nipped at the other woman's lip, before drawing it into her mouth. She felt a hand undoing the button on her jeans and let out a shaky breath. This wasn't a sloppy kiss against a dirty bathroom sink. They couldn't blame the alcohol this time. It had gone way beyond curiosity. No, this was lust at it's worst. She sunk her face into the hollow of the other woman's collarbone, letting out a slight whimper when she felt a finger press into her. This was actually happening. They were going to end up fucking against Emily's apartment door in Paris. The realization both terrified and excited her. But she had no time to think because just as soon as her hips start grinding against the other woman, she's being maneuvered to the other room. She crashed onto the bed, with a soft thump and before she could take another breath the other woman was on top of her, her hips grinding against her aching core. Emily leaned down, her jet-black hair a sharp contrast to her flushed skin. She pulled the other woman into her, their lips together in a bruising kiss. Everything that happens next was a slight blur. Between the ripped clothes and flailing limbs, she was panting and whispering things that she knew she shouldn't but couldn't seem to stop. She added it to the overflowing list of things that she was going to regret after this is all over. But in that moment, the slew of words coming out of her mouth guided the raven-haired woman to do what they both know what was coming next. The anticipation was both exhilarating and frightening but when the last piece of clothing landed beside the small pile they made, her mind went blank. Then it sped into overdrive.
They were both naked, sweating and she was beneath the older agent. She felt trapped, only not because Emily was on top of her. The other woman stared into her eyes as if she was the only thing that she had ever been passionate about. And with that, JJ never felt more vulnerable. In those few seconds, time stopped and she was completely unprepared for what she saw. Her heart was racing, she was panting and her head had started spinning but she could've sworn that it wasn't just lust but love, in the other woman's eyes. But then the other woman's warm lips trailed down her body and she stopped thinking.
The water sloshed out of the tub as her head popped back up from under the water. She let out a deep breath before staring at her now pruney hands. She leaned back, her head hitting the wall. How long had she been in the tub? The water was starting to give her goosebumps. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to forget the memory of that night. She could still feel the intensity of Emily's stare, the desperate plea in her voice. She could still smell the scent of Paris and taste the other woman on her lips. Everything was still just as sharp in her mind and she hated it. Or at least, she wanted to hate it.
Some days she couldn't help but feel as if she somehow had failed to keep her promise to Emily. She was there when Penelope needed a girl's night, she had convinced Derek to help her with her hand to hand combat even though they both knew that it was a rouse to check up on him. She was there every time Spencer needed someone to lean on but was she really keeping them safe, was she really taking care of them? How was she supposed to keep them safe from themselves? It was times like that when she was so pissed at the other woman. How did Emily expect her to keep a promise like that? And what about them and that night? She wondered what was going to happen to their relationship when the other woman came back. It wouldn't be the same. How could they go back after something like that? Would she even want a relationship, would she even want to try? Or was it just some desperate need to feel again? To know that she actually was alive.
She shook herself and gulped down the rest of the wine. She promised Emily that she'd take care of their 'family' and that's exactly what she'll do. She didn't know how but she knew that she'd find a way. As for them, they'd cross that bridge when she came home. Because JJ knew that despite everything, she was going to find a way to get the other woman back, no matter how long it was going to take.
So now I wait for the phone call.
To come get you.