"It's been awhile…"
The letter in his hand shook a little as he walked down the street, his red coat pulled tightly around himself to combat the chilly night air. His black, dress shoes clicked against the sidewalk, sounding way too loud in his ears, but no one else seemed to notice. He was dressed in his best, black slacks and a red dress shirt, tucked in neatly. His hair was combed neatly, though his two ahoges still stuck out. There was no taming them.
"How have you been? Good, I hope."
It seemed the further he walked, the more reluctant his footsteps became. It got to the point he was practically dragging his feet, but he didn't stop. No, for once in his damn life, he was going to do the right thing. He was going to that stupid restaurant!
"I've been doing great! We've all been doing really good, actually!"
For the first time since he left his apartment, he came to a stop, clutching the letter tightly in his hand. He was shaking so much, blood rushing and face getting warm. Why was this such a big deal? They were just having dinner. This was just going to be a nice little get together!
"I hope you don't get angry with mom. She's the one who gave me your address, but I really wanted to write to you. I miss you."
...A nice get together. Doubtful. It was going to be awkward and horrible, all because of him. But this was his chance. His chance to apologize, his chance to make things right. And damn, did he want to do just that, more than anything. These nerves, though…
"It's been five years now, right? Time really flies. I'm glad that I was able to get back in touch with the others a few years ago. But, I really miss my big brother too. I'm doing my best not to be painful here. Haha…"
He shakily took a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket, putting one of the cancer sticks between his lips and lighting it. A deep inhale did wonders for him, a bit of his nerves draining away as the smoke filled his lungs. The restaurant was right around the corner. He just needed to gather his wits and walk. Things would be fine...somehow.
"Uhm, anyway...I'll get to the point. Next week, we're going to be meeting at that new restaurant that's opening downtown. Ah, the name escapes me right now, but I hope you know the one! Todomatsu's making a reservation for us and I was hoping you would meet us there."
He took a seat on a nearby bench, glancing at his watch. He was actually twenty minutes early, something that was unlike him. If he hurried with his cigarette, maybe he could be at the table before them. Really give them a surprise. But, what if they didn't even add him to the reservation? Wouldn't really be surprising and he deserved a lot worse.
"I want you to know that I understand what happened back then. I understand what you were feeling, even if I didn't at the time. And I know that a couple of our little brothers do too. But there's also a few particularly stubborn ones that aren't ready to forgive you just yet. Maybe you can change that? Anyway, I really hope to see you there, Aniki."
"Ah, wait...is that…?"
"Osomatsu-niisan?"
Osomatsu jumped in surprise, the cigarette he held between his fingers dropping to the ground. Shit, shit, shit…! He wasn't ready yet! He coughed on what smoke remained in his lungs, before clearing his throat and hopping to his feet. He didn't turn around though. What was he supposed to say again? Apologize…! And then…?
There was no time to finish his plan of action though, before arms wrapped around him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. He could barely breathe…! "Ahaha! It is Osomatsu-niisan! Hi, Nii-san, hi! Did you come to have dinner with us? Did you?"
"Jyushimatsu, put him down. Let him breathe." Osomatsu sucked in a deep breath as the hold around him loosened, his feet placed back on the ground. A hand gripped his shoulder though, making him finally look back at the two newcomers. And, of course, there stood two of his little brothers. Didn't come as a surprise to see them traveling together, and they didn't look overly different from what he remembered. But it quickly sunk it, just how their clothes didn't match. No matching suits, no matching parkas. They were...all wearing their own thing.
Ichimatsu's hair was as messy as Osomatsu remembered, though. His half-lidded eyes stared at him with that same bored expression, but there was some warmth in there. Osomatsu was slightly surprised to see him wearing gray slacks and a purple dress shirt, as well as a vest that matched the slacks. His clothes were tucked in neatly, not wrinkled at all.
Jyushimatsu wore mostly black, unexpected from the brother Osomatsu was used to seeing in bright colors. Black pants and a black jacket, but a yellow, silky-looking dress shirt. But that wide smile was still there. Those bright eyes were staring at him with happiness and excitement, and Osomatsu couldn't keep his own shaky smile from returning his.
"It's been a long time." Ichimatsu mumbled simply, withdrawing his hand from Osomatsu's shoulder. "Shittymatsu mentioned that he invited you, but I didn't expect you to come. You look good." Jyushimatsu nodded quickly in agreement, his smile widening a little.
Osomatsu could feel his throat tighten up, the threat of crying very real, but he held it back. He couldn't break down yet. Get through the night, say what he had to, and then he could head home to sob like the stupid child that he was. "I-I should be saying that to you. Both of you. You both look so...so…" Grown up. Different. Better off without me. All were good options, but he quickly pushed the negative thoughts away. "You both just look great. Like you've done well for yourselves."
"Yeah, yeah! We're doing super good!" Jyushimatsu confirmed, flexing his arms in a familiar pose that made Osomatsu grin a little. "I help coach baseball! A high-school team, can you believe that? Ahaha!" Yes, Osomatsu could believe that. Jyushimatsu was passionate enough about the sport, and even if he didn't necessarily know all the rules, he could imagine he knew how to train the players. "Oh, and Ichimatsu-niisan lives with me!"
"With you, and your girlfriend." Ichimatsu corrected. Jyushimatsu's face immediate lit up red, and Osomatsu stared with curiosity and maybe a little envy. His little brother had a girlfriend and they were living together. "The girl from back then, the one that had to leave suddenly. Homura." That made sense. Jyushimatsu was really in love with that girl after all. "I don't do much. Feed the cats around town still, help around the house…"
"Ichimatsu-niisan is an author! His books have been getting really popular!" Jyushimatsu blurted out suddenly. Ichimatsu let out a little 'tch', his eyes turning to the side in embarrassment. "He has an entire series going and everything!"
"An author?" Now that was a surprise. Ichimatsu had never shown any interest in writing that he could remember. Well, except for the weird little things he would write now and then, about him being unburnable trash. But if it was something Ichimatsu enjoyed and he was successful at it, then that was great. Osomatsu was honestly happy for him. "That's great Ichimatsu! Sounds like you're both doing really good for yourselves."
And then there was silence. That awkward silence he was so afraid of, as they all tried to decide what to talk about next. It almost felt suffocating and he was suddenly very worried that panic would take over again, but Jyushimatsu didn't give it a chance. "We should hurry to the restaurant! The others are probably there already!" Ichimatsu let out a little hum of agreement, turning and continuing down the street. "You can walk with us, Osomatsu-niisan. Unless you wanted to finish your cigarette?"
"Huh? No, no, I'm good. I'll walk with you." He gave his best grin, rubbing under his nose a little, as he fell into step with them. At least this time, if he suddenly felt the urge to run, they could hold him back. But would they? He was reminded of the letter in his hand, and he quickly stuffed it into his pocket. He wouldn't need it right now. "So, uh...how are the others?"
"Mm! They're all doing good!" The fifth brother beamed at Osomatsu, swinging his arms in wide arcs as he walked. Still such a child, it made Osomatsu want to laugh. "Karamatsu-niisan's been doing plays around town. He's getting really popular lately, especially in musicals! People have even been calling him, trying to get him to come to auditions! And we haven't missed a single play yet!"
"They force me to go." Ichimatsu added, scowling a little. If Osomatsu didn't know any better, he'd say the fourth brother secretly enjoyed the plays, but hey, what did he know? "The idiot swears that us being there brings him good luck, so...whatever."
"Oh! And Totty! He's helping with a fashion line! A real fashion line, Nii-san!" Jyushimatsu waved his arms a little. "Totty was staying with a rich friend of his, and some super important fashion guy visited while he was there. He got involved with their conversation, and the super important fashion guy really liked him!"
"He got offered a job the next day. Lucky bastard." Ichimatsu snorted. "If only that sort of opportunity could just fall in anyone's lap...we can only be thankful that it wasn't Shittymatsu." Osomatsu let out a little laugh, nodding in agreement. He couldn't imagine the new 'in' style being Karamatsu's design. Glitter and sequins everywhere, it'd be a disaster. "As for Choromatsu, him and a buddy from work opened up their own little business. He gets to stay home and handle the finances, so that's not too bad."
"Choromatsu-niisan gets to work from home!" Jyushimatsu sounded almost envious, deadpanning a bit, but his bright smile quickly returned. "But I get to muscle, hustle! All day! Ahaha!" Again, there was that familiarity. It made Osomatsu's heart hurt.
They stopped outside of the restaurant for a moment, before Jyushimatsu rushed inside, exclaiming that he was hungry and couldn't wait to see the others. Osomatsu made to follow, but was held back by a hand on his shoulder, and he turned his head to peer over his shoulder. Ichimatsu stared at him, shaking his head a little. "Is, uh...something wrong?" He asked nervously, already feeling his hands shaking again.
"I missed you." Ichimatsu mumbled, looking at the ground. Osomatsu turned to face him fully, frowning a little. "We all missed you. And no matter how they act, that includes Todomatsu and Choromatsu. They just haven't gotten over it yet. Whenever we even bring you up, they both leave the room or make us change the subject. I just...don't know how things are gonna go in there."
That makes two of us, Osomatsu wanted to say. He swallowed thickly, stuffing his hands into his coat pockets. "Look, I'm...not here to make things worse. If things get too bad, I guess I'll just leave." He looked away, shrugging his shoulders a little. That's what he expected would happen anyway. "But hey, who knows? We'll see how it goes." He gave the fourth brother a little grin, trying to put on his best brave face. This was going to be a long night.
Ichimatsu just nodded a little and motioned for him to go inside, and they both stepped into the crowded restaurant. As expected of the opening night, the place was absolutely packed. It was a struggle to get to the front desk, where Ichi gave them the name for their reservation. Immediately, they were ushered off by a waiter, heading towards an area that Osomatsu could only imagine was the party room.
"Jyushimatsu, what has you so wound up? Oi...oi! Sit down! Jyushimatsu!"
"Hehe~! Jyushimatsu-niisan seems really happy, doesn't he? Jyushimatsu-niisan! Come sit by me, okay?"
"Hmm~! You've finally decided to join us, Ichimatsu! Come brother, we've saved...a...seat…"
And the room was suddenly quiet, all eyes on Osomatsu. The eldest brother already wanted to turn and run, especially when Todomatsu and Choromatsu's shocked looks slowly melted to something blank and cold. No, he deserved that. But he quickly looked away anyway, rubbing at his arms nervously.
The sound of wood scraping back against the wooden floor caught his attention, but Osomatsu refused to look up. If it was Choromatsu or Todomatsu coming to sucker punch him, that was fine. He deserved it. He deserved anything they wanted to dish out. But just like with Jyushimatsu, arms quickly enveloped him, though this hug was much gentler than the last.
"I knew you'd come, Aniki." Karamatsu mumbled softly, rubbing at his back gently. Osomatsu's heart pounded in his chest, but he finally forced himself to relax enough to return the embrace. Karamatsu wasn't angry at him. Karamatsu didn't hate him. "Please try to be patient with them." He whispered quietly, before he pulled back, a large smile on his face. And like the crybaby he always tended to be, his eyes were wide and watery. "It's good to see you Osomatsu!"
"You too." Osomatsu gave him a shaky smile, trying his best not to glance towards the other two brothers. The ones that were no doubt glaring at him. The ones that hated him. Instead, he looked Karamatsu over. Just like with Jyushi and Ichi, he didn't look much different from what he remembered. He wore a blue dress shirt, the top few buttons undone to reveal a little more skin, black slacks, and a black jacket. Not unlike what Jyushimatsu wore, but he also had his sleeves rolled up to his elbow. Come to think of it, he almost always did that, didn't he?
"Ah, come sit with us! You can sit beside me, brother!" Karamatsu was quick to lead the eldest to the table, sitting him down, before taking his own seat. Osomatsu made a point of staring at the table, shoulders hunched up in disdain. He could just feel the eyes burning into him. Those hateful gazes. He deserved worse. "Here's a menu! And since I invited you out here, I'll pay for your meal."
"Thanks." Osomatsu mumbled quietly, taking the menu and opening it up. It was full of things that he didn't recognize, but at least there were pictures. He was thankful for that much. He could hear Ichimatsu rounding Jyushimatsu up and into his seat beside Totty, before sitting on Osomatsu's other side. At least he was beside two brothers that didn't entirely resent him.
"So, Osomatsu." Osomatsu flinched a little at the sharp tone, lifting his head a little to stare at the youngest brother from over his menu. The lack of 'niisan' didn't go unnoticed. "Heard you're not living with mom and dad anymore. Bet that's pretty hard for you."
Stay calm. Just...talk like it was regular conversation. Like those words weren't filled with venom that made his heart ache. "It wasn't easy moving out, I guess. But I'm managing fine, thanks." It was hard, keeping his voice steady. To keep it from cracking. His attention immediately went back to the menu, putting an end to that conversation.
"And you're working? At least we can see you're not living out on the street." And there was the third brother, biting out his own comment. Osomatsu took a calming breath, shutting the menu and sitting it down.
"Yeah, actually. I'm working at a preschool." Osomatsu admitted, looking a little sheepish when Jyushimatsu made an 'aww' sound. "I take care of the kids, teach them some cool little things. We go on trips sometimes, too." Because there was nothing like being needed by someone. The kids even called him Niisan from time to time.
"A preschool! That sounds like a good job for you, Aniki!" Karamatsu smiled, watching his brother. "You always did enjoy your playtime. I'm sure the children give you plenty of that to look forward to." Osomatsu nodded in agreement, smiling slightly. That was true. He got to play all kinds of goofy games with the kids. Make believe, dress-up...whatever they wanted. But they all had fun.
"Surprised they'd let you around the kids." Todomatsu muttered under his breath, and Osomatsu's smile immediately fell. "Oops, did I say that out loud? Sorry about that~! I just mean...things happen. And you could 'accidentally' give them a black eye."
"Todomatsu!" Karamatsu snapped, narrowing his eyes a little. Todomatsu gave a little shrug, staring Osomatsu down with that cute, cat-like smile that he was so used to. But his eyes looked so cold. There was no hint of warmth, no hint of forgiveness. That was...fair.
"I admit, I'm surprised too." Choromatsu butted in, leaning his chin against his hand, his other hand playing with the straw in his drink. Osomatsu turned his gaze to him, taking a shuddery breath. He could feel Ichimatsu's hand reaching over to pat his arm comfortingly, which he appreciated, but the effect was lost. "I don't suppose any of the kids ever randomly lose lunch money that might go into your pachinko fund? Or towards beer, maybe?"
"I-I...I haven't played pachinko in over a year now. And I only drink a couple of beers on the weekends, so no. That doesn't really happen." Osomatsu cursed the small crack in his voice, folding his shaking hands in his lap. He doubted it helped, though. He could feel his face becoming warm from the rush of emotions. Damn, his heart was hurting so much right now. They were just rubbing in what a bad older brother he was. And...he deserved it. He fucking deserved it.
"You're both being ignorant. Knock it off." Ichimatsu growled out from beside Osomatsu, glaring across the table at the others. Karamatsu and Jyushimatsu were also giving them disapproving looks, but they seemed to go ignored.
"It happened a long, long time ago. Five years is a really long time!" Jyushimatsu added, pressing his fist to his frowning mouth. "But what you're saying is really mean! Osomatsu-niisan's here and we were all supposed to have a good time, weren't we?"
"You can't always forgive things so easily, Jyushimatsu-niisan!" Todomatsu slapped his hands against the table, glaring at Osomatsu angrily. "Did you think you could just waltz in here and pretend that nothing happened back then?"
"No, of course not. I know-"
"Did you think that we'd just forgive you? You act like a child, and then disappear off the face of the planet for four years? Don't even try to contact anyone?" Choromatsu added, sitting up straighter and joining Todomatsu in the glaring match. Osomatsu could only look between them.
"M-Mom and dad know where I am-"
"For all we knew, you were dead!"
"If you two would just let me-"
"You didn't care about our feelings though, did you?! You never did!"
"FUCKING SHUT UP!"
Osomatsu slammed his fists against the table, standing up suddenly, so that his chair tumbled back against the floor. Everyone was silent, staring at him with wide eyes, waiting for him to make some sort of move. They expected violence, expected him to lunge across the table to punch Todomatsu, or tackle Choromatsu. But he didn't. He took a deep breath, grabbing the chair and righting it, before pushing it in.
"I...I came here because I was invited. Because Karamatsu, for some reason wanted me here." Osomatsu mumbled softly, gripping the chair tightly. This was gonna be his last chance. Say his peace and leave. That was for the best at this point. "And I thought I could finally come out here and tell you guys that...I'm sorry. Sorry for being such a screw up. I'm sorry for hurting you guys. And I'm sorry for dragging you down all that time." And...there were the tears he didn't want to let out. Grinding his teeth, he fought to keep the droplets in, to no avail. A few drops fell from his eyes, splashing against his fists as he bowed his head, while the others slid slowly down his cheeks.
"I was j-just...ah, dammit...how do I even say it?!" Osomatsu rubbed at his eyes quickly, stepping back and away from the table. "I was so scared of being alone! Because I already knew that I was gonna fail, because I didn't have any kind of plan or motivation to do something! So I knew that when you guys left, that was it! You'd just...leave me behind. S-So when Choromatsu came home and told us he got a job and that he'd have to move, I just went nuts. A-And I ended up pushing you guys away on my own!"
"If you guys hate me, that's…" Osomatsu trailed off, his heart aching as he thought over the words. "That's fine, if you do. I can't really fix things, not like I know how. So apologizing is all I can do. And I am so, so fucking sorry for everything that I did. Jyushimatsu, I'm sorry for kicking you. Todomatsu, I'm sorry for giving you that black eye. Karamatsu, I'm sorry for getting into that stupid fight with you in the backyard. Ichimatsu, I'm sorry for completely brushing you off the entire time you stuck around. And...Choromatsu."
Choromatsu looked surprised at suddenly being addressed, staring at Osomatsu as the eldest looked him in the eye, tears still streaming down his face as he tried to fight against breaking down entirely. "I-I am...so sorry that I...that I wasn't a supportive brother. That I wasn't happy for y-you. I know I'm t-the...shitty eldest brother, that you always said I was." He let out a shaky laugh, turning away rubbing his face.
"I-I, uh...that's all I really had to say." Osomatsu sniffed, patting at his pockets gently. He could thankfully feel his cigarettes sitting in his pocket. The pack was going to be gone in no time, after this. "I don't want to ruin your night, s-so, I should really just get home. Sorry."
"...O-Osomatsu-niisan, wait!"
Osomatsu was surprised when a hand caught his arm, just as he moved to leave. Todomatsu gripped his arm tightly, head bowed as he pulled him back into the room. "I-I'm sorry for being a jerk...please. Please s-stay and eat with us..." Todomatsu mumbled quietly, his voice cracking a bit. Osomatsu didn't miss the shine of tears rolling down the youngest brother's face, and the sound of a breathy sob made his heart ache. "We don't want to wait another five years to see you again…!"
"He's right." Choromatsu quickly added, looking away and rubbing the back of his head. "I...forgiving you isn't going to be that easy, not for me. I'm still mad at you!" Osomatsu couldn't help but snort a little at the tone used. It sounded more shaken than angry. "I was acting horrible though, and I am sorry. So if you still want to eat with us, we'd...really like you to."
Osomatsu looked between his brothers, unsure of whether or not they really wanted him there. But with each glance, his brother nodded a little, and so he had little choice. Giving them the same grin he always used to, rubbing under his nose, he voiced his agreement.
"And I know it's going to be hard at first. Everyone's going to be emotional and it might even get a little heated, though I hope it doesn't. I just hope you can keep your cool."
Todomatsu finally released Osomatsu's arm, only to cling to him, hugging at the eldest brother tightly as another shaky sob shook his body. Osomatsu quickly returned the hug, rubbing the youngest's back gently, even pressing a kiss to his temple as he shushed him. He could feel his dress shirt getting damp with tears, but he could forgive that. It took a few minutes for Todomatsu to gather himself, finally pulling back and wiping at his eyes as he walked back to the table. Osomatsu followed him, taking a reluctant seat, when Karamatsu pulled his chair back out for him.
"If you can get through this, I know it'll mean the world to everyone, Aniki. And it'll be a good first step to repairing our relationship as brothers!"
Todomatsu and Choromatsu both took their seats, Choromatsu meeting Osomatsu's gaze. It was reluctant, but the third brother gave him a small smile, before turning his attention to his own menu. Osomatsu felt a weight practically roll from his shoulders.
"I know you'll come. I know you miss us too! Call it a twin's intuition! I believe in you, brother!"
Osomatsu felt a gentle bump against his shoulder, and he turned his head to smile at Karamatsu. The second brother flashed him a smile and thumbs up. Osomatsu could only roll his eyes and grin a little. Karamatsu knew he had been right and he was just loving it.
"And I want you to know, especially...no matter how far apart we are, you will never be alone Aniki. You are never alone.
With Love,
-Karamatsu"