So this is a Meth fic that I got some random inspiration for and decided to post. Its more of a drabble with some dialouge towards the end. I really wanted to capture the essence of a young and naive Beth falling into her first adult relationship with our very own Merle Dixon. I wanted this to be about her inner battle with her head and her heart and trying to save a man as damaged as Merle. I hope that comes across. Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome. Thanks and enjoy!
He'd shown her what it was to live dangerously. She thought she'd been doing that. She thought the parties, boys, skipping classes, and booze were a part of her new taste for living, but he'd shown her so much more. He said she had him from the moment he laid eyes on her and she believed him. The moment she'd noticed him it was like an electric shock went through her body and ever since then it had remained in his presence.
The man she was referring to was none other than Merle Dixon. He'd tried to flirt with her and while she found him to be attractive, she'd avoided his blatant advances. She was a waitress in a rundown bar and he was a part of a motorcycle gang that just happened to run through the place. She was trying to support herself through college. She was trying to be a grown woman in the real world rather than daddy's little girl back home. Her focus was her schooling and her paychecks. She became his focus and she knew deep down that she never stood a chance.
Their whirlwind romance, if you could even call it that, was crazy, fast-paced, and dangerous. She was only twenty years old to begin with, so all the alcohol and drugs were another notch to her never-ending belt of disappointing her family. Along with her being underage, Merle was old enough to be her father. She'd asked him once how old he was and he'd just roughly mumbled "Ol' nuff" in his deep, southern drawl and she quickly dropped the subject. The huge age difference did nothing to falter the growing lust between them. In fact, she dared to say it added to the madness that was their relationship. They could not have been more different. As she looks back on her time with Merle, which in fact has only lasted five months, it was a blur of parties, drugs, and sex.
Beth Greene had fought so hard to ignore the brute of a man that was Merle Dixon. He was everything her daddy had warned her about. He wasn't just a "bad boy", he was a dangerous man. Stories about his escapades filtered throughout the bar on a routine basis and they only heightened her need to avoid him. As much as she tried, he pushed just as hard back. He was relentless in his pursuit of her. Beth figured he was just bored and in for a chase, but after nearly two months of turning him down he was still as headstrong as ever. The thought that someone like Merle wanted her made her feel both sexy and insecure. After awhile she found herself not only wanting, but needing his presence. It was a shift she didn't even realize happened until it was too late.
Merle had taken it upon himself to show her the ways of his world. At first, it was scary and intimidating to Beth, then she found a thrill in it and relished in the adrenaline of it all. It was party after party and more alcohol each time. It didn't take long for Beth to get use to all the alcohol before she was introduced to the drugs. It was slow at first. Marijuana was the drug of choice, but the harder stuff came to light and before Beth knew what was happening, Merle was hungrily persuading her to snort the line of white powder. He promised her it would feel good and she would forget all about her troubles for the night. Thinking about that night and the first time she tried cocaine, she felt shame and embarrassment. Beth was never one to give into peer pressure, but she knew that she would do anything for Merle and that again was something she learned too late.
In Beth's mind, the drugs and alcohol were nothing compared to the sex. She was a virgin when she met the older Dixon. She'd had her fun time during her first year of college and experienced a lot of new things, but it never got as far as sex with the couple of boys she'd been brave with. There was heavy petting and some under the clothes touching, but the actual act of sex never happened for Beth. She found herself wondering what she was waiting for. She'd had a steady boyfriend in high school who tried like hell to be with her, but time and time again she turned him down. She couldn't explain it. In college she figured trying the one night stand was more her thing, but she knew better. She pulled away each time. When Merle came into her life she felt heat like no other. The lust was so prominent she felt she had trouble hiding it most of the time. She knew she wanted to sleep with him early on, but the repercussions of that was what kept her at bay. He was so much more experienced than her and she'd seen the type of women Merle associated himself with. Those women didn't care about being used. They were in for the ride as much as he was. Beth knew she wasn't that kind of girl. Any man she slept with would be getting a piece of her heart, not just a piece of ass. In the beginning, Merle had been sweet and it surprised her. She didn't expect him to give two shits about her feelings, but he did. He was soft and gentle with his kisses and always made sure she was comfortable. The way he handled her in that way made her fall into oblivion. Her feelings were becoming so strong and fast that she couldn't have told you what color the sky was. She was fast becoming a permanent fixture in his life and he in hers. It was becoming unusual to not see the two of them together.
All of her introductions into Merle's world felt slow and steady to her at the time, but reflecting on those moments she can't pinpoint one event from the other. Looking back, everything happened fast, too fast for her and yet she'd said nothing because she'd done the unthinkable and fallen in love with the man. As the drugs came into her life, so did the sex. Beth knew she wanted Merle to be her first, but the nature at which it happened pained her heart. Her first time was cheapened to a tryst in a bare bedroom during an alcohol and drug induced haze. It was a party at the Dixon's brothers' house and sometime during the night she and Merle had snuck off to his bedroom. It certainly wasn't the first time that happened, but Beth knew as soon as he took her hand and led her down the hallway to the master bedroom that this time was different. Merle was high as a kite and she wasn't faring much better with all the alcohol she'd consumed. Her mind was clouded, but she knew what she was doing and what he wanted. He was signaling to her that he'd waited long enough and it was time to be rewarded for his good behavior. Beth wanted it. She did, but not that way. Not on a mattress on the floor with the sounds of people puking and fighting behind the locked door.
The act itself was mind-blowing. Even with Merle being high, he made sure she felt the world quake beneath her. Stars had danced behind her eyes and her whole body had shook with the power of her orgasm. It was painful at first and she couldn't stop the tears that trickled down her cheeks, but in a fleeting moment of tenderness Merle had kissed them away and palmed her cheek in his calloused hand. That moment would forever be engrained in her mind. At that moment, with him thrusting into and the barrier of her innocence being ripped away, Beth had known that she'd fallen in love with him. It was an odd moment to realize that seeing as how they were both under the influence, but none the less she'd felt it. She'd felt her heart swell with love while her body had ached with pain.
They'd continued on in this destructive pattern for nearly three months before it all came to a head. Beth knew she was spiraling out of control. She no longer had a hold on herself or reality. Her mindless waitressing job was suffering because she couldn't get her ass out of bed from all night bingers and her studies…her studies had suffered severely. She'd immediately dropped her classes and claimed she was taking a leave of absence. She'd lied to her parents and told them the stress of school was getting to her and that she just wanted to takes some time to focus on saving money and getting things in order for the next semester. She'd expected the lies to guilt her, but instead she'd happily reported back to Merle that those things were no longer an issue and he'd grinned widely at her. He always wanted her around. He always wanted to be touching her in some fashion. At first, Beth had found the attention cute and sexy, but as time progressed Merle became increasingly jealous. He'd start fights with guys in the bar for looking at her a little too long or watching her ass as she walked from their tables. Beth had tried to reason with him. She'd tried to assure him that he was the only man she wanted; that he was the only man she needed, but it did little to placate him.
Merle's temper was notorious. Even Beth had known that before she'd gotten involved with him, but seeing it in person was another story. His rage would literally blind him into a crazed fit. She'd been shocked when he'd sent a guy to the hospital just because the man had innocently flirted with her. That side of him scared her. It worried her for the times that she wasn't with him. On most occasions she could calm him down, but there were times that nothing seemed to calm him but a line of white powder. It broke her heart, but each time she told herself that this was what she signed up for. This was the type of guy he was. He would change for no one, least of all her.
While their lovemaking was constant, so were their heated arguments. Beth sat quiet for awhile, but soon she found her voice and stood up to Merle. She knew he would never hurt her physically. She didn't know how she knew, but she did. There were times that she'd stay up all night wondering if he was alright or if he got thrown in jail. He'd stumble in at dawn and still be drunk or high from wherever he'd been. She'd yell and throw things and cry, but to no avail. Merle would either tune her out or meet her temper with his own. He would then yell and throw things and then beg her to stay with him. It was dark, twisted and unhealthy as hell, but Beth couldn't bring herself to leave him behind. They'd always make up and they'd continue on as if it never happened.
Thinking about the night she left sent a dagger of pain straight to her heart. She was waiting for Merle at his house. He'd promised to take her out somewhere nice rather than the shitty parties they always attended. She'd tried calling him, but each time his cell went to voicemail. When the clock read one in the morning, she knew it was a lost cause. She'd cried while rubbing the makeup off her face and cried even harder as she changed from her new outfit to her pajamas. She didn't bother being quiet. Daryl was out with his friends and had told her before he left he'd be back before morning. Beth felt the knot in her throat tighten at the thought of the younger Dixon. Daryl would look at her like he felt sorry for her most days. He knew what it was like to deal with Merle and he pitied her for having to figure it all out.
She'd nearly cried herself to sleep when she heard a motorcycle pull into the drive. All of her anger made its way back to the surface and she threw the covers off her form and made her way into the living room. Just as she stepped out of the hallway, the front door opened to reveal Merle. He looked like shit. His clothes were wrinkled and he had dark circles under his eyes. When he noticed Beth standing in the hallway he'd swept a hungry gaze over her short-clad legs and tank-top covered breasts. His eyes. His eyes told her all she needed to know. They were bloodshot and he had that wild look in them. He began to stalk over to her, but she'd flipped on the lights and watched as he shielded his eyes from the intrusion. He'd spat out a "what the fuck darlin'?" and Beth felt her anger nearly double in size. They'd fought. They'd fought hard. She'd scream and he'd scream right back. He wouldn't tell her where he was. He'd claimed he was a grown ass man and that he didn't need a babysitter. She'd argued back that he should show her some respect. He'd laughed in her face and called her crazy. Beth had yelled some more and reminded him about the plans they'd had. His eyes flickered with remembrance, but he didn't voice an apology.
Beth had kept her need to cry away and she instead used her anger to lead her words. He was hurting her. He was saying hurtful things on purpose and she wanted to clutch at her chest to make sure her heart was still beating. He'd gone on a rampage about how she was just another "cock hound whore who was looking for a good time". The words meant nothing to her, but again his eyes. His eyes and the way they were looking at her is what hurt and angered her. He was looking at her as if he didn't know her. Beth couldn't help it and she'd lashed out at him. She pushed his buttons just as much as he pushed hers. She claimed she could find someone better who could give her what she wanted. She watched his eyes flare with anger and yet she'd ignored it and kept going. The words got uglier and the sounds of their voices got louder until a defining moment that changed everything.
She'd had enough and said with finality that she was packing up her stuff and leaving. Before she could spin around to go back towards the bedroom he'd had a vice grip on her arm. He was breathing hard and she'd noticed the way his eyes moved rapidly over her face. In a voice she'd never heard before he'd declared she belonged to him. His grip on her arm was becoming painful, but she fought against the fear and instead raised her chin in defiance and said she'd never belong to a redneck junkie. Those words. Her words. She saw the evidence of what they did to him. His eyes stopped shifting and stared right into her soul. It all happened so fast, yet it felt like that moment was frozen in time. She'd watched as his free hand rose and she knew before he even lifted it an inch that he was getting ready to strike. It felt like forever as she watched his arm come up and reach in her direction. She knew her eyes now broadcasted how afraid she was and she remembered later that she flinched away from him. That thought made tears pool in her eyes. To flinch away from the man you love because you knew he was about to hurt you made her lungs feel as if they would explode. It felt like his hand was around her throat rather than her arm. She'd felt like she stopped breathing as she waited for the impact.
It never came. The front door exploded open and Daryl walked in. His eyes were wide with surprise and it took him a moment to figure out what was happening. Beth could see him start to register all the details. Merle's arm in mid air. His grip on her arm. Her fearful eyes and his crazed ones. The scene was not something Daryl had ever seen before. Merle was a lot of things, but a woman beater was not one. They both detested men who got their rocks off from beating or raping women. He knew Merle had been tempted to slap a few of the women he'd brought home, but he settled for kicking them out of his bedroom instead. If this was any other girl Daryl probably would've ignored the scene and gone back outside, but it wasn't and the fear that radiated off Beth and onto Daryl pulled him forward without thinking. Merle could easily take him, even being under the influence. He'd done it since they were kids and old enough to beat the shit out of each other, but none of that registered in his mind. The fact that his brother was most likely high or drunk or both didn't matter to him in that moment.
Beth watched as Daryl crossed the room and pulled Merle's arms away from her. He was yelling at his brother and asking him what the fuck he was thinking. Beth stepped back until her back met the wall and watched the two brothers fight. She wondered if she should do anything, but before she could act Daryl yelled at her to go and she did. She went to the bedroom and shut the door. The tears never came though. She just sat on the bed and listened to the fight outside. They were both yelling and she couldn't understand what was being said. It seemed to go on forever until the house fell silent. Beth rose from her spot in the middle of the bed and made her way to the door. Before she could grab the knob, Daryl came in dragging a half conscious Merle. There was a fast forming bruise around his left eye and Beth guessed Daryl knocked him out. She quickly moved out of the way and let Daryl lay his brother on the bed. Once Merle was situated on the mattress Daryl asked her if she was alright. He seemed uncomfortable and Beth knew he wouldn't want to know the details of what happened so she'd just mumbled she was fine and avoided his gaze. The bedroom door closed signaling his exit and Beth released a shaky breath. She fought with herself on what to do. She wanted to leave. She wanted to forget what almost happened to her and just go back to the way her life was before Merle Dixon stormed into it. She felt her feet pulling her to the closet for her bag, but her heart was pulling her back to the bed and the man stirring on top of it. She remained unmoving as Merle mumbled her name into the dark room. She ignored his half conscious ramblings until his eyes opened and he searched the room. When his eyes landed on her she felt the weight of his actions all over again. He must've felt it too because he quickly closed his eyes again. He called to her and she went to him. His body was shaking slightly and she knew it was a combination of the drugs and what happened earlier. She let him settle his head in her lap as she ran her hands through his graying hair. Neither one of them spoke as they lay there together. His arms encircled her waist with a grip that called out in desperation. This was his apology. He didn't want to lose her, but Beth knew…she knew he'd already lost her. This was her goodbye.
After awhile Merle had drifted to sleep. Beth waited even longer to make sure he wouldn't stir before she removed herself from his arms and gathered the few things she could fit into her bag. She'd had an apartment of her own when she first met Merle, but she'd essentially abandoned the one bedroom space and unofficially moved into the Dixon house. She changed into jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed her purse as she lugged her bag over her shoulder. She gave one last look at the man that both held and broke her heart. She felt the tears now, but she pushed them back. She wouldn't cry for him. She wouldn't cry for what they'd had. It wasn't worth it. When she was settled then she would grieve for the moments that mattered. The real moments. The moments no one else knew with the man no one saw. She quietly closed the door as she made her way down the hall. She was startled when she noticed Daryl sitting at the bar in the kitchen. He noticed her first and the look on his face said it all. He took in her bags and her change of clothes and shook his head. She knew it was out of disappointment in his brother, but she couldn't help but feel like it was also directed at her. No words passed between them. He nodded at her and she nodded in return. It was a mutual understanding that Daryl would handle his brother. Daryl would help pick up the pieces once Merle realized she wasn't coming back. She grabbed her car keys off the counter and never looked back.
So this was where she was now. She was swaying in the breeze on the porch swing back home in King County. The weather was dreary and it looked like it might rain. Beth hoped it did. She loved the rain, but today she wished it would rain for the simple fact that it would match her mood. She'd been back home for two weeks and she'd been miserable the whole time. She tried to put on a brave face. She tried to show her parents she was fine, but she wasn't successful. Her daddy had been the one to question her only two days into her return. He'd caught her at a vulnerable moment and she'd confessed. She'd left out some details, but the main parts she'd related. It felt good to get it all off her chest, but she could still see the disappointment in his eyes. She could tell he was pushing that aside to deal with his youngest daughter's issues, but she still felt it. She felt the disappointment in herself, enough for the both of them. He'd held her as she cried. He'd whispered it would be alright as she grieved for her fallen relationship. They'd both agreed to keep this from her mother. Beth was the baby of the family and her parents treated her as such. While she was very much a daddy's girl, her mother was different. Her mother saw Beth as the perfect daughter and she couldn't deal with shattering that illusion for her mother. Her daddy understood she was human and would make mistakes. He'd always been her voice of reason and she was especially grateful for that now.
Beth was so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard the truck pull into the gravel drive. She recognized the truck and knew it belonged to the Cooper farm next door. Mr. Cooper wasn't the one driving though. Her high school boyfriend, James Cooper, hopped out of the cab instead. Beth knew it was only a matter of time until her mother made it known to Jimmy that she was back in town. Her mother loved Jimmy and loved the fact that he was staying home to help on his family's farm while going to the local college. Beth fought the urge to roll her eyes at her mother's meddling and stood up to meet Jimmy on the steps of the porch. He looked the same as when Beth had seen him last Christmas when she was home from school and while she felt no attraction towards him anymore, there was the overwhelming feeling of comfortableness that surrounded the air around them. They hugged and Beth felt herself nearly cry with relief at having a pair of familiar arms around her. They'd fallen into comfortable conversation and Beth had found out Jimmy had a girlfriend he'd met in one of his classes. He sounded so happy and carefree and Beth longed to be like that again. Her tales of booze, drugs, motorcycles, and sex were far too adult for Jimmy's young mind. Beth remembered being like that once and she felt that stabbing pain again at the loss of her youth and the loss of what she felt was the love of her life.
It was nearly an hour later when Beth heard the familiar sound of a motorcycle in the distance. She immediately tensed and Jimmy asked if she was alright. She said nothing as the sound got closer and closer until the motorcycle came into view. Beth stood up from the porch steps and gripped the railing when she recognized the motorcycle and the driver. Jimmy remained quiet next to her and she could feel his questioning glances, but her focus was on the man dismounting the bike and striding towards them. Beth couldn't remember ever seeing Merle looking as rough as he did now. The dark circle under his eyes were darker than when she'd seen him last. He had rough stubble peppering his face and his shoulders seemed to carry a heavy weight. His eyes locked with hers and she could see the misery that was so clearly displayed in his appearance.
Beth's evaluation of Merle's appearance was short lived as Jimmy stepped in front of her trying to protect her from what he felt was an unfamiliar threat. She peeked around him to see Merle stop at the bottom of the porch steps and eye Jimmy dangerously. She recognized that look and she quickly moved from around Jimmy into Merle's line of vision.
"What're you doin' here?"
"Who's he?"
Beth wanted to roll her eyes at his obvious avoidance of her question. She noted his voice sounded scratchier than normal and she found herself wondering why.
"What do you want Merle?"
"Who is this guy Beth? You know him?"
Beth had momentarily forgotten that Jimmy was still standing there until he began questioning her about Merle's presence. She noticed that both Merle and Jimmy were having some sort of stare off. It was obvious that between the two that the bigger, older man would easily take down the young boy. Beth could feel the tension in the air and she knew she had to get Jimmy out of there before something happened. Merle was sneering at Jimmy while Jimmy tried his best not to look intimidated.
"It's okay Jimmy. He's…a friend. You should probably go."
The men tore their eyes away from each other to look at the petite blonde. She could see the hesitation in Jimmy's eyes, but she assured him she would be fine and that her daddy would be home soon. He seemed to accept that and hugged her goodbye. Beth could see Merle tense when she and Jimmy hugged and she immediately pulled away for fear of a brawl breaking out. Her ex boyfriend bid her farewell and made his way back to the truck and down the long gravel drive.
Beth didn't fill the silence that stretched between her and Merle. She waited patiently for him to say something, anything as to why he suddenly showed up on her porch. She watched as he looked down and kicked at the rocks with his heavy boot. He looked fragile to her. He looked severely damaged and she was pretty sure she mirrored his appearance. When Merle made no move to do or say anything, Beth sighed and turned to go back into the house. She'd just grasped the screen door handle when she heard his voice.
"Beth!"
She stopped, but didn't turn around. She could hear him mumbling to himself and she allowed herself to smile slightly. He was nervous.
"Goddamn it. Wait a minute."
She turned around and walked back over to the edge of the porch and wrapped her arms around herself as the evening breeze picked up. The sun was getting ready to set and the air was becoming cool with the beginnings of fall.
"I've missed ya darlin'. I ain't been sleepin' or eatin' properly since ya left."
Beth remained silent as he ran a rugged hand through his already tousled hair. She observed his behavior, trying to find any signs of him being under the influence, but she found none. Just what remained of a broken heart.
"I've been thinkin' long and hard and I wanna quit the drugs and shit. I want ya to come back Beth."
He was speaking so softly now that Beth had to strain to hear him over the howl of the wind. She watched as he shoved his hands into his pockets and reluctantly met her gaze. She knew he was sorry, but he hadn't apologized yet. That was what she was waiting for. Merle had always claimed that Beth knew he cared about her or that she was special, but he never actually told her. Others had pointed it out to her as well. His friends, even Daryl had said in not so many words that she was different. She was the closest thing Merle had had to a girlfriend in years. It made her feel good that people told her these things, but she'd always yearned for Merle to be the one to say them.
"My daddy's gonna be home soon Merle. You should go."
It pained her to say the words and it hurt even more to see what they did to him, but he still wasn't getting it. He still didn't understand what she needed from him. She knew she was partly to blame too. She'd let him believe she was okay with the parties, drugs, and alcohol. She'd pushed his buttons at times just as much as he pushed hers. She wasn't innocent in all this, but her biggest concern was for Merle. He needed to get better by himself. His need for her wasn't what he should be focused on. The need for him to get clean and straight was where his head should be.
She made a move to go back into the house, but his heavy footsteps on the steps stopped her as he reached for her arm. The action caused her to unintentionally back away from him in fear. She hadn't meant to react that way, but it had just happened the moment she felt his hand start to clasp around her arm. His grip was light and not at all like it had been that night, but it was all the same in her mind. Merle stepped back from her in shock. He looked crushed and she avoided his gaze.
"What have I done to ya darlin'?"
"I'm fine Merle."
"Yur not fine. Yur afraid of me aren't ya?"
"No."
Her protest did nothing to wipe the pain off his face. He dragged a hand down his weathered face and sighed.
"I jus wanna talk. Can we do that? Please Angel?"
Beth hesitated. She didn't know what to do or what the right thing was to do. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to get everything out in the open and end things between them. She wanted to convince Merle to get help. She looked down the gravel drive and bit her lip. Her daddy was going to be home soon and she didn't want him catching Merle here. She sighed and told him to stay put as she went inside and grabbed her sweater. She made sure to leave a note just in case her daddy or mother came back to find the house empty and went back onto the porch.
"Let's take a walk."
She started walking towards the acres at the back of the house and he followed quickly beside her. His hands were back in his jeans again and the need to reach out and clasp his hand made her wrap her own around herself. The sun was setting now and the sky was lit up with pinks and oranges. It was a beautiful sight against the rolling hills of their farm and she relished in the calm air. They'd continued walking in silence until Beth let her curiosity get the better of her.
"How'd you find me? I never told you where I lived before I moved into my apartment."
"I asked around. Some of the other girls at the bar said ya mentioned a place called King County. Wasn't hard to find ya from there. Yer daddy's the only veterinarian in these parts."
Beth only nodded as they made it to the edge of fence and both leaned against the wooden beams.
"It's not a short ride to King County."
"Ya worth it to me Angel."
Beth sighed and closed her eyes. His voice carried the softness she loved and she ignored the pang it caused in her heart.
"Don't Merle."
"Why?"
"Because it won't change anything."
"Will ya look at me?"
Beth reluctantly pulled her eyes from the open acres and met Merle's gaze. He looked so rundown. It pulled at her. She wanted so badly to be able to sweep this under the rug and go back with him, but things had changed for her, even if she didn't want them to. They had changed.
"I made a mistake. Ya know me and ya know I would've never hurt ya. I was high as hell that night. And I know that don't make it right, but that wasn't me darlin'. Ya know this."
"I don't know anything anymore."
"Don't say that."
"I don't Merle. I know you can't take the blame for all this. I know I played my part. I let you believe that I was okay with everything. I let you believe that I could make you happy. I can't be all those things for you Merle because they aren't me and…it's not fair for me to push you to be something you don't want to be."
"Whaddya mean?"
"If you wanted to be clean and sober you would be. If you don't want to then that's not my business."
"So what're ya sayin'?"
"I'm saying we're too different."
"Wasn't a problem before."
"You don't get it. I was pretending. I can't do that again! I can't worry about you all the time."
Beth sighed and took a relaxing breath. She'd raised her voice and she felt the anger stir inside her. He didn't understand and it was frustrating her. It would be so much easier if he'd just act like he didn't care and move on. She could deal with it that way, but having him here and basically begging her to come back with him made it all the more difficult for her.
"I'm tellin' ya things will be different Angel."
"I'm sorry Merle, but I can't take your word for it. I just…I can't."
Beth turned and moved to walk back to the house. This conversation was going nowhere and she had to get back before her daddy saw Merle here. He would definitely be getting his shotgun if he noticed the motorcycle in the driveway. She'd taken only two steps when Merle's broken words filled her ears.
"I-I'm sorry Beth."
She hastily turned to face him and she could see how hard it was for him to say those words. She knew Merle was a man with pride and out of the time she'd known him, he'd never uttered those words to her or anyone else for that matter. She couldn't stop the tears from filling her eyes. He hesitantly stepped towards her and when she made no move to leave, he continued until he was in front of her and in her personal space. His calloused hand came up to gently cup her cheek. The contact felt comforting and electric at the same time. His eyes held hers and she looked down, embarrassed about him seeing her cry. His hand pulled her chin back up and she felt his thumb rub away the stray tears on her cheeks.
"I know I hurt ya. More than I'll probably ever know, but not havin' ya these last few weeks made me realize what a dumb fuck I was. Yur too good for me darlin'. I know that. I'm old and worn as fuck, but I wanna be selfish. I want ya."
She couldn't help the strangled tone in her voice when she spoke nor could she help the batch of fresh tears at his heartfelt words, but she told herself she had to be strong.
"I believe you Merle, but I've got so much I still have to learn and do. I wanna be with you too. I do, but I can't take on the responsibility of helping you. If you want it bad enough, you have to do this on your own."
He began to protest and she spoke before words came out.
"You have to Merle. I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere, but you and I can't be together."
"Yur what I need darlin'."
"Merle…"
She tried to protest, but he stopped her before she could.
"And I'm not what ya need? Is that right?"
"This isn't our time. There'll be a next time and your ass better hold on tight Merle Dixon because I won't let go."
His raspy laugh filled her ears and it made her heart feel warm and a smile grace her lips. He was still wiping her tears away and she allowed herself to lean into his touch.
"So ya sayin' it's bad timin'?"
"Yes."
"And I'll have a chance with ya again?"
"Yes."
"I hope so Angel cuz I ain't ever lettin' ya leave my sight again."
"Me either Merle."
She hugged him and she stifled a cry when she felt him grasp her tightly in his arms. He swallowed her whole and she knew she would miss that feeling the most. He made her feel so safe and loved. She knew she was making the right decision. Their timing wasn't now. They both had so much to work on before they could come together again. Their coupling was odd, but in so many other ways it was right and Beth knew this wasn't the end for them. This was just the beginning.