Ch. 1 - Never raise your pets in a radioactive moat

It was a great day of celebration and festivities in the Kingdom of Edolia. Streamers, flags and balloons of every colour imaginable had been hung around the city, congratulating the Crown Princess Kagura on her 16th birthday. It was also the day in which she became eligible to get married. Hence, since the clock struck midnight, crowds of suitors had started queuing up outside the Yato Palace to try and get an entry ticket (there were only 100 available). Most of them were not particularly well mannered and more than once a fight had broken out, though these were between highly aggressive mothers who had forced their skinny sons to try out for the auditions.

At 9:00 sharp, the drawbridge to the castle began to descend, and all the wannabe suitors started clambering over each other to get onto the bridge. One unfortunate person got pushed into the moat during the kafuffle. In an instant, the poor man was devoured by something huge and purple that had been lying in wait. After that, the suitors' behaviour became much more orderly and they stood in line to receive their tickets in a rather demure fashion.

When the lucky 100 had been chosen, they were told to wait in a gigantic hall for the princess's arrival. Without warning, the gigantic doors were then locked shut and the suitors were trapped in the airtight hall with no windows.

A loudspeaker from nowhere boomed out: "Welcome, suitors, to the First Test. When you have passed the test, you will be granted permission to meet Her Highness, Princess Kagura. For those who fail…" The low voice barely suppressed a giggle which caused the suitors' stomachs to clench in horror. "…You will meet the Fate of the Moat. Good Luck!"

Frantic whispering ensued, and some of the suitors started pissing themselves for they had all witnessed the Fate of the Moat (the gigantic purple thing that ate one of them), and even the strongest, toughest- looking guy had begun to weep softly.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise of a huge pot being opened, and an overwhelming stench of sukonbu (dried kelp) filled the container-like space. Many of the suitors were knocked out instantly and some started getting spastic attacks while frothing at the mouth. These people were immediately dragged away by assistants wearing power-plant suits to meet the Fate of the Moat.

After 20 minutes, more than 90 suitors had passed out and had been dragged away. Only eight people remained in the hall: five humans, an alien and a duck-like creature with hairy legs.

One of the suitors had black hair and had already prepared a nose clip. His name was Hijikata. "Hnh," he smirked. "If those losers had done their research, they would've realized that Sukonbu is the Princess's favourite food."

A shorter man, also bearing a nose clip, stood behind Hijikata looking slightly disappointed. His name was Okita, and Hijikata was his boss. The only reason he was there was because he was sure Hijikata would fail at some point, so he could be there to watch it.

"AHAHA!" boomed another man, Sakamoto, for no particular reason. "This is going to be fun, isn't it?"

A thin, bespectacled young boy named Shinpachi did not think it was going to be fun at all. He had no interest in getting married and had been forced to go by his demanding older sister, for purely lucrative reasons. "Do you care for the future of our dojo?!" she had said that morning, holding a pan of corrosive fried egg threateningly, leaving Shinpachi no other choice.

Suddenly, the alien resembling a huge duck lifted its dress (?) cloth (?) and a long haired samurai, Katsura, climbed out. He had been hiding there when the sukonbu was released. His ambition was to marry the princess so he could rewrite the immigration laws of Edolia and kick out all the foreigners. As you can see, Katsura was a bit racist and hated aliens, apart from Elizabeth whom he thought was 'kinda cute'.

Prince Hata looked at all the stupid humans and sniffed. He was the only royalty among them, so obviously they didn't stand a chance. But he was slightly jealous of the people who got to meet the Fate of the Moat, because he was sure that the creature was really a big softie inside.

The last man was a silver haired samurai named Gintoki. On the way to buy his usual strawberry parfait that morning, he had spotted a huge queue in front of the palace and had thought they were giving out freebies, so he was a bit disappointed. On the bright side, getting to marry the princess meant that he could be king, and king = power = free desserts, which is why he stayed.

"Congratulations, suitors," the disembodied voice boomed out. "You have passed the first challenge. Now, I am honoured to introduce… KAGURA, the princess of Edolia!"

- tbc-