She leaned against the wall of the entrance to their quaint living room. Her eyes were transfixed on the lamp in the corner and the soft amber glow it was giving off. Six in the morning and there wasn't a hint of exhaustion in the other woman's demeanor. An iridescent halo seemed to be balanced above her head as she contentedly read yet another Broadway autobiography. She didn't even look up from the page she was so engrossed in as she smiled a greeting to her admirer.
"Morning, love."
Her heart fluttered as the words carried by the soft voice hit their mark. She smiled, knowing it would go unnoticed, and replied with the same words as she uncrossed her arms and slowly made her way to the couch adjacent to the occupied chair. She stayed silent as the morning progressed and the reading continued, at one point accepting the gestured offer of a sip of green tea and honey from the cream colored soup cup. As she carefully placed the warm drink back into her lover's waiting hand, she tried to ignore the racing thoughts in her mind. The thoughts that had been there for years. Thoughts that had been present more so now than ever before. Thoughts that she was letting consume her.
Twelve years was a long time for any relationship, especially one that had started in high school. She could remember with ease her first time ever meeting Rachel. She would never forget the pain she had caused her those first couple of years of knowing each other. But she now considered it a means to an end. Because even though her eyes showed her broken heart, Rachel never let her words reflect that. No matter what she endured, she never broke. It was as frustrating as it was endearing. After all the taunting, the plotting, the destruction of relationships with her boyfriends, Rachel still was completely forgiving. Her heart was what made Santana fall in love with her in the first place. When she had finally revealed her feelings for the aspiring actress her senior year, Rachel had barely flinched.
"I kind of figured. I mean, Quinn at least had motive for hating me, me having dated both of her baby daddies and such, but you? You know, love and hate are just two different ends of the same spectrum. Not much of a distance between them."
Santana had sat in the choir room listening to her pulse pounding loudly as she waited for the next line to be one of rejection. But the next line hadn't come. Rachel had Santana's hand in hers and a sweet smile on her face. Santana hadn't been sure of where it was going but a few days later, Finn was single and Santana was spoken for. She still couldn't believe she had managed to get Rachel to agree to keeping it a secret until New York, but it was Rachel. Forever sacrificing herself for everyone else. Over the years it had gotten worse. Santana struggled often with feeling like she was being a disadvantage to Rachel. Someone who had so many dreams and plans during high school had given it all up for love. Even after repeated break ups and make ups. It had gotten to the point that she had revealed to Santana her phobia of restaurants.
"Do you know that every time you've broken up with me it's been over a meal? I can never tell if I should accept a dinner invitation or not, to be honest." She had dramatically thrown her hands up in surrender in the peaceful jungle café. Santana's expression scrunched up as she thought about it. Rachel was correct, of course. She had been planning to break up with her again that very afternoon. She had always believed bad news went better with good food.
"Why do you keep letting me come back then, Rachel? When are you going to stop being such a pushover?"
"When you stop being worth it."
Santana had been dumbfounded by the simple statement. Six words had summed up their relationship for her. She made Rachel her wife during their sophomore year in college.
Now, sitting in the house they had turned into a home together, Santana was in a place of self hatred again. The plans she had made for the day ran through her mind over and over again accompanied by a blaring alarm telling her it wasn't too late to cancel. As if sensing her discomfort, Rachel glanced to her right and questioned her.
"Are you feeling okay?"
Santana managed a painful smile as she nodded in affirmation. She couldn't hide anything from Rachel and she wasn't going to last long if she stayed put. She quickly ran her hands over her face as she stood up to leave.
"I have a long day ahead of me so I better get started." She briskly walked in the direction of the bedroom to prepare for a shower. She paused when she heard her name being called in a broken whisper.
"Yes?" A moment passed.
"I love you." Santana's face cringed as she took a breath. She turned around and returned to the corner of the room where Rachel sat. She leaned down and locked her eyes on Rachel's.
"I love you too. Always." She punctuated the vow with a kiss before walking away once more.