Questions.
By Gasha Aisu.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundamwing
I can't do it, Heero. I tried, I really did, but I just can't. I need you Heero, I truly need you. You said you would protect me, where are you now? You're like a wall I can lean into when I'm tired, I know you'll catch me if I fall. Although you're mostly silent, just knowing you're there gives me strenght. But that's the reason you left, isn't it? You said I needed time, time to develop. Time to be able to stand on my own, not needing you.
I guess I'm not a strong as you thought I was.
Sure, I smile and I laugh. Sometimes they're real too. But everything around me reminds me of you Heero, everything. Songs I used to listen to, thinking of you. The preventors' building, hell even my friends remind me of you. Because they where your friends too. They still have contact with you, unlike me. Do you hate me, Heero?
And that teddy beer.
How could I forget? What did you try to say, back then, Heero? What were you thinking when you bought it, what were you thinking when you gave it to me? Why Heero? What was your meaning, what did you try to accomplish? It has haunted me Heero, you gave it, and I need to know why. Oh, how I reget never asking you. Where are you, Heero?
I place my hand against the cold window. It's raining. Is it raining where you are, Heero?
Questions, you left me with questions. Questions don't fill the emptiness that you created with your leaving, Heero.
It's dark, but that's only normal, it's ten o'clock. What time is it where you are, Heero? Do you need me too? I thought you did. But I guess I was wrong, because you're still gone, Heero. You're still away, and if you needed me, you would've showed up by now.
My hand stays on the glass, and I look out longingly. Where are you, Heero?
I bite my lower lip as tears are threatening to fall, again. How many times have I cried already? How many tears will be shed until you return? You will return, won't you, Heero? It frightens me. The thought of you not returning. But there is nothing I can do. For the first time in my life, all I can do is wait.
And I will wait forever, forever for you Heero.
But I must confess, that sometimes I wish I didn't love you like I do, Heero. My eyes narrow desperately as I look at my own reflection in the glass. Sometimes, I wish I didn't because it hurts. It hurts so much Heero. Why aren't you here?
I close my eyes as I turn away from the window.
I can't stand my reflection, not anymore. What I see is a weak little girl, who can't stop crying. That's what I am. I'm weak without you, Heero. Unconsciously my eyes travel to the letter opener, lying innocently on my desk. It would be the coward's way out. And I know I should resist. But it's so tempting, Heero. It's hard to keep swallowing the pain. To bear it, with only hope to defend me against it. Hope that you will return to me.
Again I turn my head and refocus my attention to the buildings outside. It's ten o'clock, and I'm still stuck in my office. I hardly even live, notwithout you, Heero. I even talk to you in my thought, sending you questions you won't answer.
I miss you Heero.
Suddenly I let out a muffled sob. I really miss you Heero. Both my hands touch the cold glass of the window again. I need something to hold on to. I need something to keep me grounded. I'm trembling as my eyes desperately seek comfort in the moon. Too bad that there is no moon tonight. Tears run freely over my cheecks now, as they have done many times before. I do not whipe them. You said that only the person who causes those tears can whipe them.
I miss you, Heero.
My head feels light, and the world is spinning. I refuse to take my hands off the glass however. It's my comfort. The only comfort I have, since you're gone, Heero.
"Heero" I whisper, as if it will make any difference in the situation. You're not here. I can yell you're name, but you won't hear me anyway.
I'm trembling, and I feel my knees weaken. I somehow manage to steady myself. And once again, my eyes search the black night's sky again. Tears continue to fall, I can't stop them.
My soul is crying and you aren't here, Heero.
You've been gone for almost two years now. Two years, it feels more like a decade.
"Heero" I cry out again, my voice more desperate than the first time.
My control finally slips.
Closing my eyes, more like clenching them shut, tears leak out of them anyway. My forehead rests against the glass as I whale pathetically. Heart wrenching sobs emerge out of me. I feel like I'm dying. Like it's my soul that's crying. My body's shaking so hard, it's almost as if it can't handle the sorrow.
My knees finally give in as I slit down, my body against the glass. My body is shaking from crying so hard. My knees come up slightly bend, one of my knees resting against the glass, the other resting against that knee. The glass makes me cold, but I don't care.
Maybe the cold will numb my pain.
My hand comes up, and clenches my blouse. I notice it's right above my heart, but I don't care. I'm tired of being brave for my friends. Smiling as if I'm over you, I'll never be over you. My mouth opens more, and I don't even recognise the sounds coming out of it. Are those sounds really from me? Can I make those sorrowed sounds? I don't care.
"I miss you, Heero. Come back to me"
I don't notice anything anymore. All I know that I'm in pain. And the only man who can heal it, isn't here. Slowly my body stops shaking, reducing to slight trembling. Tears keep flowing but my mouth is closed again. I stare out of the window, again. I don't see what's outside. And frankly, I don't care. My hand clenches my blouse, just a little harder. My knuckles turn white, but again I don't care. I'm in pain, where are you, Heero? Tears keep flowing, and I can hardly see anymore. Everything is just a haze. A haze of pain.
Will you be back, Heero?
My eyes close, if only just a little. I feel exhausted. Your leaving is crushing me, destroying me, Heero. I tremble again. I feel cold. I don't think I'll ever be able to warm again, not without you, Heero.
I can't let go, I can't commit suicide. If I do, I just make the waiting longer, and end all chances of you coming to me in life. But it hurts, it hurts so much, Heero. Do you miss me too Heero? Are you hurt too? I feel like I'm dying, Heero. And you aren't here.
"O my God, Relena! Why didn't you tell me you where hurt like this?" a voice calls to me, I think it's Noin. Is she alone? I don't care, Heero isn't there.
"Relena" Noin tries again, a hand on my shoulder. Slowly I turn my head to look at her, she gasps. I think my sorrow is too much for her to handle.
"I miss Heero" I tell her and I smile sadly at her, before darkness consumes me.