Disclaimer: I don't own "Chuck", and the reference, indeed the entire basis for this fic, belongs to Kevin Smith's "Mallrats".

A/N: Okay, I know I said I wasn't writing Chuck fic for the time being, but this story just popped into my head, and I wrote it in like five minutes. It's sloppy, and I'm not sure the humor even works. And it's just over the top weird on top of all of that, but I thought I'd go ahead and write it to get it out of my head so I could focus on my other writing (namely Slayin' Genes). Hope you can enjoy it, if only a little, and please review. Thanks!

Special Protection

Things had moved fast, but that's just what she wanted. That's why she came back into Castle. She needed something to make it stop. To make the thoughts of Chuck, the man she thought she loved, stop.

She didn't want to think about how he was moving on, and leaving her behind. Both professionally (and that hurt) and personally (and that was like having her heart ripped out from her ass).

So that's why she'd come to Shaw. No, Daniel. That's why Sarah, no, Sam, had come to Daniel. To get him to help her forget. To let her feel something real, if only fleeting.

So as his lips continued to devour her, she was pleased that her clothes, and his, had begun falling away. And yeah, it was a little awkward to be doing this in Castle. All the cameras would catch what they were doing, and that might be a little embarrassing, but she could live with that. Hell, it wasn't the first time she would've been stripped down in the secret base. First time for personal reasons, of course, but still…

And it had been a long, long time for her. Never in her adult life before the Intersect mission had she gone more a few weeks without a sex. Now, it had been three long, excruciating years since she'd had someone inside of her. Even Casey had gotten laid over that time period. She deserved this, and dammit, she needed it.

But then, to her utter dismay, Shaw sighed, and leaned his forehead against hers, his face showing an expression of disappointment.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked, breathless. "Why'd you stop?"

"We can't," he replied in his usual stoic voice.

Then her world started spinning. He was seriously going to do this to her now? Christ, was she going to be left with the female equivalent of blue balls once again, just as she had been in Barstow less than a year ago?

"No!" she demanded. "Not now, goddamn it! I need this!"

Then he mumbled something about protection, and not having any. Well, if that was the only problem, then suddenly she felt a sense of relief.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'm on the pill. And I'm clean. As a whistle, in fact. Hell, I haven't had sex in…well, a long time."

"No, it's just," he began, then stopped. "I need special protection."

"Special protection?" she asked befuddled. "What the hell do you mean?"

"Sam," he said, "if we do this, and I, uh, finish the deed, it would kill you."

"What, you have a disease or something?"

"No, it's just –"

"Well, if you're clean, I'm sure we'll be fine. Or if you need something, just tell me, and I'll get it. Daniel, I need you to fuck me," she said, her words bordering on panic.

"Well, the thing is, if my swimmers get inside of you, they'll bust right out of your womb, and you'll bleed to death internally. Or, I could use a Kryptonite condom. That would kill me."

"Kryptonite condom? What on Earth are you talking about?" she asked bemused.

"Sarah – Sam, there's something you need to know about me." He paused, sighing again. "I'm Superman."

A/N: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, haha. You guys are awesome. Peace.