Disclaimer:
1. Which of the following does Amethyst Asheryn not claim to be?
A. A language expert
B. A mechanic
C. An expert in general
D. Gene Roddenberry
E. All of the above
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Semantics
They were, all of them, versed enough in old Earth history to get by--mainly because there was no old Earth on which they could become confused and therefore have to learn more extensively. That was the theory, anyway; thus far, it had served the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise very well.
Their theory hadn't included anything about people who might mimic an old Earth culture. And anyway, Lieutenant Commander Scott's knowledge of old Earth history extended just as far as their technology; no further.
Scotty stood behind Lieutenant Hadley, poring over the language banks alongside Uhura, who, being a communications officer, was obviously supposed to know slang--it was her job. Neither of them could figure out this particular puzzle, though.
"He ... could be bluffing," offered Scott, breaking an awkward silence that had fallen as each of them waited for the other to admit they were stumped. Uhura wouldn't because she was a communications officer and being stumped by a communication wasn't good for her credentials. Scotty might have, if he had been with Spock or the captain, but present company changed things slightly.
Scotty didn't really believe his own words, either. But there was no harm in trying, really, and thinking that Mr. Oxmyx was bluffing was much better than considering that at the moment, their eight-hour deadline was steadily ticking away while they sat in front of a databank containing most of the galaxy's known vocabulary, completely stymied.
"We can't take that chance," Uhura said. "You could be right ..."
"Or I could be wrong and end up in accidental command of the Enterprise." The thought alone was bad enough to get Scott back to the databank, mind racing. He was an engineer at heart. The Enterprise was his pride and joy, but sitting in the captain's chair--even for the flight to the nearest starbase--wasn't where he belonged.
It might well be where he ended up, however, if he couldn't figure this out.
"I suppose we could make them," he offered after a while. "One hundred in eight hours ... Maybe. We have some spare parts aboard, we might be able to cobble something together, but I canna say how good they'll be."
"They'll only need to be good for the length of time it takes you to beam the landing party aboard."
"And then we'll leave the captain in a bind trying to explain why we gave Oxmyx defective equipment." Not that Scotty minded at this point. Kirk in a bind up here was much, much better than the landing party languishing in eminently more solid bonds down there. Still, Scotty had the distinct impression that if it were Kirk and Spock with their heads together here, rather than he and Lieutenant Uhura, there would be progress--and a plan which, in the end, would benefit (or at least not harm) both sides.
Uhura shook her head and stretched a kink out of her neck. "Can we make them, Scotty?"
"Aye, I think so," Scotty said, planning things out in his head. They were simply floating in orbit right now. He could pull most of his engineers away from their work--it was mostly routine anyway--and leave a skeleton crew to monitor things. At that rate, they could get it done in time.
"It doesn't look all that cold, though," he muttered, eyeing one of the monitors currently showing a view of the planet. "I can't figure why they'd need a thing like a hundred--"
"Well, why ever they want them, I think we ought to begin." Uhura rose and headed back to her console. "I'll keep an eye on communications. I'll let you know if we get any more requests."
"Aye," said Scott, leaving the bridge.
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It was a testament to how fast Scotty and his engineers could work that, five minutes later when Uhura called down that there were two to beam up, they had already cobbled together half of the first device they planned to negotiate with. It wasn't pretty, hastily-made thing that it was, but Scotty would have assured anyone who asked that it would do its job, right up until the fragile wiring overheated. Then it would break down. But that would give them more than enough time to complete hostage negotiations and have their captain and the landing party back aboard.
"What is that?" McCoy asked when they had beamed aboard, nodding to the bundle of wires and circuitry Scotty held and was still tinkering with.
"Well, it was gonna be some of the innards of those things your friends on the planet asked for," said Scotty. "But it doesn't look like we'll be needing them now, does it?"
McCoy stepped forward to take a closer look at the pile. "What, exactly, did they ask for?"
"Heaters, doctor," answered Scott. "We had one almost finished when you two beamed aboard. I took most of my engineers off duty to work on it." He glanced around. "And where's the captain?"
"He's trying to negotiate," said McCoy, slightly sourly.
"He is attempting to talk Mr. Oxmyx into seeing things our way, Mr. Scott," Spock clarified. Then, "I do not completely understand what place that--" with a nod to the mess in Scott's hands--"will hold in the inner workings of a phaser."
"A phaser? I didn't say a phaser, I said a heater."
"Yes, Mr. Scott. The two are synonymous."
Severely nonplussed, the chief engineer blinked. "They are?"
"Yes."
"Ah, but we thought--" Scott broke off, because things were making satisfying clinking noises in his head as they fell into place. "... We thought it was something else."
"Clearly," said Spock. "Now, we must make use of the computers on the bridge. They may be able to help us solve our difficulties."
Spock strode away, followed slightly more slowly by McCoy. Scott stayed for a moment, staring at the inner workings of the machine he had been planning to build.
Then he made a call to engineering, telling them to stop work and get back to normal duties.
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"But it makes no sense. How were we to know?"
"Well, I suppose we could have cross-referenced, checked other sources ..."
"We were working on a time limit! Did it ever cross your mind that the computer's databanks were leading us wrong?"
Silence.
"No, well, it didn't cross mine either. I think we should thank our lucky stars Spock and Dr. McCoy got back before we finished all of them."
"Well, there was no serious harm done."
"No, except for valuable time wasted and people asking me 'Mr. Scott, what were you having us build?' over and over again."
Uhura laughed. "Well, if it helps any, I've put that new usage into the databanks. If anyone else comes across this place, they won't make the same mistake."
"A heater," scoffed Scotty, half under his breath, as he rose to leave the bridge again. "I ask you."
He didn't think anybody but Uhura had heard the mutter, but, as it turned out, he was wrong.
"Despite its sound, the slang term does have a quite logical root, Mr. Scott." Spock hadn't even glanced up from his work. He even sounded a bit distracted, as if Scott's problem didn't take enough of his brain power to warrant his full attention. Quite possibly, knowing Spock, it didn't.
It was McCoy who answered. "Oh, Spock? Enlighten us."
Spock adopted the tone of voice which suggests a textbook being vomited up. "The slang term can refer to one of several things, Doctor. The word heater can be used in reference to the fact that when the gun is fired, it becomes warm--heats up. However, the term can also be used in the sense of turning the heat upon someone, or placing them under pressure. Alternately--"
All communications officers must be, in some form, diplomats, even if they are just very courteous. Uhura was dealing her training great credit at the moment. Scott could see her smile from where he stood near the door, but she was being very careful to hide her mirth from its object, who was still rattling off what sounded very much like a dictionary entry.
"All right, all right!" McCoy burst out finally, halting Spock mid-word. "Can't you ever give a simple explanation to a simple question?"
"You did not ask a simple question, Doctor." Most of Spock's attention was focused on his computer console again now that his recitation was no longer necessary. "I did attempt to answer it in the briefest, yet most complete way I could."
"That was a simple question about a simple little word," McCoy said indignantly. "There was no need to quote the dictionary at me when you could have said it in your own words--and less of them, too!"
"Semantics is rarely that simple, Dr. McCoy."
It was clear to Scott, from where he stood, that Spock had the upper hand in this particular debate. Whether McCoy realized this too, or was simply performing a tactical retreat in order to regroup and come back with a stronger attack later, was anybody's guess. In any case, his heavy sigh clearly indicated that he didn't really want to carry on the fight. "I know what you are, Spock," he said, his last parting shot. "You are nothing more than a green blooded, pointy-eared dictionary. I don't know why I even bother."
"That is quite illogical, Doctor." Spock's deadpan was spectacular. "In any case, even if that were possible, I daresay your medical equipment would have spotted it long ago."
McCoy growled. "Concentrate on the computers, Spock. Let's have at least one new piece of info for Jim when he beams back up here."
"As you wish, Doctor."
McCoy wasn't the only one who spent the next hour or so quietly puzzling over whether or not Spock's own parting shot had really been as serious as his monotone made it sound.
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Additional Author's Notes: I watched the scene in "A Piece of the Action" where Scotty tells Hadley to look up what a heater is, and I was waiting for them to make this mistake all the way through the episode. Alas, they never did.
Also, I never meant for this to turn into a debate between Spock and McCoy, because I feel that I can't write their hilarious arguments well enough. Still, rather than abandon this halfway through, I carried on. I hope it can at least pass as acceptable.