Title: "The Importance of Physical Fitness"
Author: C.S. Williams
Summary: McKay thought he was done with physical fitness when he skipped the class in high school. To be fair, no gym teacher ever mentioned life sucking aliens…
Spoilers/Pairing: None
Disclaimer: I don't own anything SGA-related, except maybe some DVDs…
A/N: Hope you enjoy!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
"Help! Heeeelp! Heeelllllppp!"
And as usual, no one was responding. It figured, huffed Rodney McKay to himself. Earth's best and brightest were also its most sadistic. Taking pleasure in other people's pain. Wasn't there a German word for that? Shaden-something or other?
His lungs were burning. His legs were about to give out. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to quit.
McKay jabbed the "stop" button on the treadmill and collapsed dramatically on the floor, finally attracting the attention of the man sitting across the room. John Sheppard lazily looked up from his magazine (the latest swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, true to Neanderthal form) and took a big, slow bite of his chocolate bar.
"Whatcha doin', McKay?" Sheppard lifted an eyebrow at the out-of-breath scientist, who was still lying on the floor, unmoving.
"Quitting," gasped McKay.
"Are you sure?"
McKay raised his head to glare at the pilot by way of an answer, but even this small movement seemed to exhaust his energy and his head fell back down once again.
"You can't quit now."
"And why not?" snapped McKay weakly. "Because you haven't had enough of your sadistic shaden-whatever yet?"
Sheppard raised his eyebrows at the statement, causing McKay to mutter "never mind." Sheppard finally got up from his position on the bench, walking over to McKay to whack him on the head with his rolled-up magazine.
"It's only been three minutes, McKay!" Sheppard said, exasperated. "I didn't even get past the Gatorade ad on the first page!"
McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, excuse me for interrupting your 'reading' with my dying!"
Sheppard whacked McKay with the magazine again. "That's not the point! And I was only reading it for…informational purposes. To keep up with current events," he added, no longer meeting McKay's gaze.
McKay rolled his eyes again. "Sure. And why does it matter? You said do as much as I can. Three minutes is as much as I can."
It was Sheppard's turn to roll his eyes. "You weren't even running that fast! That wasn't even level 6!"
"Hey, it was level 5.2! That torture device only goes up to 10! That's over half!" McKay protested.
"That doesn't mean any—wait, I thought I started you at 5.8!" said Sheppard, eyeing McKay suspiciously.
"Yes, well, you must have made a mistake." McKay cleared his throat. "Anyway, I don't see why all this is necessary. Whose bright idea was it to torture scientists for the military's amusement? I'll bet it was O'Neill's. I always knew the generalship would go to his head someday. Clearly he's abusing his power, probably getting back at me because he's jealous of what Sam and I shared."
Sheppard snorted, cutting McKay's mutterings short. "Right. That must be it. These physical fitness tests are required for anyone who wants to do off-world fieldwork. And that was just the warm-up; you've got to run under a 7 minute mile to be cleared. If you're getting chased by the Wraith, you can't just decide to run at level 5.2 for three minutes and then quit!"
"If it's the Wraith, they'll have darts! And I'm pretty sure darts move a little faster than anyone, even you, Mr. Invincible Super Solider, can run."
Choosing to ignore the jibe, Sheppard continued, "Well, what about when a Wraith crash lands and doesn't have his dart anymore and needs to feed on you to survive? What about then?" Sheppard crossed his arms, satisfied with himself.
"Then he'll just use his stunner to shoot me from behind some cover and I'll never even know he's there!" snapped McKay, finally sitting up and turning to face Sheppard.
"Oh, please, when's the last time a Wraith actually did that?"
"When's the last time you were trapped on a planet with no weapons and only your legs to save you from a crash-landed Wraith?" retorted McKay.
Sheppard considered it. "OK, good point. But it could happen, so that's why you need to pass this physical!"
McKay used the bar of the treadmill to haul himself to his feet. "Forget it. I'm going to go finish those Zed PM power simulations for Elizabeth."
"Fine," said Sheppard, throwing his arms up. "But be ready to go at 0800 tomorrow for our check-in with the Maraanans. At this rate, it'll be your last off-world mission for a looong time."
Sheppard threw a towel at McKay's face and left the gym without a backward glance, pausing only to call back, "And the word is 'schadenfreude.'"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
"OK, Teyla and Ronon just radioed in. They're checking out the neighboring village," Sheppard informed McKay. He checked his watch. "And it's time for our scheduled check-in with Atlantis, so I'm gonna go dial the 'gate and give Elizabeth an update."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're just going to leave me here alone? Doesn't that violate mission protocol or something?" McKay asked, slightly panicked.
"No, McKay," Sheppard rolled his eyes. "Look, I'll only be gone for a few minutes. I don't think there's much to worry about here. They're good people."
McKay's eyes widened. "That's what we always say right before they try to turn us in to the Wraith or whatever!"
Sheppard sighed. "We've known them for over a year now. Is there some reason you don't feel safe?"
"Well…" McKay hesitated. "No. They seem like nice people."
"Good," said Sheppard cheerfully. "I should be back in 30 minutes. Hold down the fort here until I get back." He clapped McKay on the shoulder briefly before bidding Jarraan, the village leader, goodbye on his way out of the village.
"You know, I'm sure Charles Manson seemed like a nice person too at first!" McKay called after him, but Sheppard didn't even turn around.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Sometimes McKay hated always being right. It was a curse, really. Not 15 minutes after he'd left to complete their scheduled check-in, Sheppard radioed to tell everyone that Wraith darts had just come through the 'gate. Teyla and Ronon had radioed back to tell him they were staying in the other village to help get the people into hiding.
McKay alerted Jaraan immediately, and they too began to usher the Maraanans into their underground hiding tunnels. Suddenly McKay's radio flared to life.
"McKay! Stay where you are and don't leave the village!" Sheppard's voice was punctuated by the unmistakable fire of a P-90 and Wraith blasters. "Dammit!"
"Sheppard? What's going on?" asked McKay, panicked.
Sheppard's grunt came through the radio clearly. "Nothing, McKay, I'm fine. It's just a scratch. Stay put! That's an order!"
The radio abruptly cut out. "Sheppard? Sheppard!" McKay slammed the 'talk' button of the radio furiously. "Hang on, I'm coming to help!"
Jaraan, standing next to him, frowned. "Did he not order you to stay with us?"
"Yeah, well, he's a pigheaded military leader who doesn't know what's good for him," McKay snapped. "Besides, Teyla and Ronon are too far away to help, and who knows if they even heard him. As usual it's up to the brilliant scientist to save him!"
Jaraan nodded solemnly. "Then you will want to use the path we have cleared to the star portal. It will be quickest." He motioned to McKay to follow him, leading the way to a secluded entrance to what looked like a perfectly clear path.
"Wait, and the Wraith don't know about this?" McKay asked, momentarily suspicious.
Suddenly the distinctive whine of a Wraith stunner could be heard not far away, prompting Jaraan to look quickly over his shoulder before answering.
He shook his head. "We have only recently created such an escape route. It goes through the densest part of the forest, so it will be nearly impossible for them to locate unless they are looking for it."
McKay nodded, making up his mind. "OK. Uh, thanks," he added, as he began to run through the trees.
Jaraan smiled as the scientist disappeared. Reaching for the communication device concealed under his tunic, he pressed the proper button before reporting, "He has left. He should be coming straight to you."
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
McKay was wheezing heavily, but he knew he couldn't stop. Who else was going to bail Sheppard out of yet another mess? And to top it all off, one of the Wraith had apparently discovered the trail and was chasing after him, blasting all the way. Good thing the Wraith were such consistently bad shots, although sometimes it seemed like they weren't even trying.
He had considered leaving the cleared path, but the forest around him was impenetrable, even in broad daylight. Although it would be easier for the Wraith to track him along the cleared path, the alien would be sucking the life out of him in no time if he left. Why did this always happen to him?!
He ducked as another stunner blast hit a tree uncomfortably close to his head. Sheppard had better appreciate this, McKay thought angrily. And he'd better not be dead. Because that would just be a complete waste of effort.
Looking up, McKay saw a patch of sunlight ahead. Since the dense forest around him and the dense canopy above him did not let in the sun, he knew he must be nearing his destination. And yes, sure enough, there was the 'gate directly ahead of him!
McKay was so pleased to see it he failed to notice there was no sound of machine gun fire, and even the Wraith blasts from behind him had stopped. McKay didn't even pause, though, as he exited the covered path and hit the more open terrain.
"5:47," came a familiar drawl from behind him. "Not bad, McKay."
McKay abruptly turned around to stare at the grinning colonel leaning against a tree at the end of the path. "What? You're alive! Wait, I thought you were injured!"
Sheppard's grin widened even further. "I got better."
The sound of footsteps in the forest behind them made McKay quickly duck behind a nearby tree, motioning for Sheppard to do the same. When Sheppard failed to respond, McKay intensified his exaggerated gestures, but the military commander only grinned that infernal grin and shrugged.
Just as McKay was starting to seriously doubt the man's sanity, Ronon Dex emerged from the cleared path, Wraith stunner in hand. As he and Sheppard high-fived, he called, "It's okay, McKay. You can come out now."
Shakily, McKay got to his feet, leaving the safety of his tree. "What—what's going on here?" he asked, breathless.
"Congratulations, McKay. You just passed your physical fitness test." Sheppard held up the stopwatch in his hand. "5:47. Although we're going to have to talk about running into a possible fire fight in open terrain without checking it out first."
"And being chased by a Wraith and not shooting back," added Ronon.
"And following orders," added Sheppard.
McKay stared at them for a couple minutes with his mouth open before Ronon finally took pity on him.
"Sheppard knew he'd never get you to take the test unless you didn't know it was a test. So we asked the Manaarans to help."
Sheppard picked up the narrative. "There were no Wraith. You were being chased by our good friend Ronon here, while I was shooting at the air." He gestured to the machine gun at his chest.
"But—but there were Wraith blasts. I heard them!" McKay stuttered, trying to make sense of it all.
"Yes. That was my doing." McKay turned around, finally noticing Teyla behind him. She too had a Wraith weapon in hand, smiling slightly.
"So it was all you? No Wraith?" clarified McKay faintly.
Sheppard nodded. "Yep."
"Ah," said McKay, nodding, before promptly collapsing to the ground.
"He'll thank us for it later," Sheppard said cheerfully, nudging McKay with his foot.