Hansel & Gretel The true story….
Once upon a time there was a poor family of four. They lived high on a mountain by the Forest of Utter Death and Poorly Made Decisions away from the rest of the white trash town that had polluted the water with g and destroyed the fields of food during a Soccer riot. Many died and even more were looted (except for one family that accidentally looted there own house so it it was more of a yard sale…). In the family was the father (Otto) his two children Hansel (the boy) Gretel (the girl) and there 20 year old blond Step-mother (Cindy…with a "C") One day when it was raining the Hansel and Gretel were feeling particularly bored and decided that pestering there father was better then doing there home school work (the public school was destroyed in a soccer riot the year before… little league moms are very devoted to their children). "Hey Dad whatcha doing?" asked Gretel walking into the room with Hansel following closely behind her. "Oh well im paying the bills" he replied doing numbers in his head. "So what kinda bills?" asked Hansel. "What a stupid thing to ask dumb ass GOD why cant you ask something smart for once?!" Gretel yelled at her brother. "Soooooo dad what kinda bills are you paying?" Gretel asked turning back to her father. "Oh well um the cable the Cindy's platinum card, gold card, discovery card, water and electric." He said shuffling threw some papers. "Oh right right…. So how much are we in dept this time?" asked Gretel. "Are we going to have to sell fat ass into slavery again?" she asked pointing to her brother. "No not… WAIT A MINUET!!!! We did not sell your brother into slavery it was just a Childs work facility…." Otto said red in the face. "They never fed me and I had a chain around my leg all the time, and a man would crack a whip at us to get us to work faster…" said Hansel turning pale in the face. "Yeah that sounds like slavery to me…" said Gretel flatly. "NO no no no its not slavery the contract said "Involuntary child work facility" it didn't say Slave shop or anything like that just… you know what why don't you go play with your step mother?" Otto said growing annoyed with his children. "But Cindy's fucking stupid." Said Gretel remembering the three hour conversation about her about lip gloss and if her new boobs looked real (their fathers first anniversary gift, he paid) "Hey! Shes your fucking mother don't call her stupid you little assholes, I don't know where you pick up the fucking language, now shut your cake holes, that means you fatty" Otto said looking at Hansel "its not our fault she our mom u Horney ass hole" Gretel said quietly "Go find your mother!" He shouted pushing them out of the kitchen into the living room where there Step mother sat on the couch fixing several pounds of make-up on her face. "You know it might be easier if you just dump it all in a box and shake your face around it would look the same and only take half the time." Said Gretel walking into the living room with her brother laughing behind her only to be smacked hard in the chest knocking the wind out of his roily poily olie body. "Did I say you could laugh tubby?" Gretel said angrily. "Oh Greta that's silly, if I put it all in one box how would it fit into my itty bitty purse?" Cindy said giggling. "Its Gretel Cindy, where are you going anyway?" said Gretel. "Oh im going to go out with my girl friend Gresa." Said Cindy standing up fixing her hair in the mirror. "Its Gretel Cindy, so what's the name of you 'girlfriend'?" said Gretel looking at Cindy's reflection in the mirror. "Oh Bob…. Umm Boberella!" said Cindy giving them the same vacant stair that always occupies her face. "Right so when is he coming to pick you up?" said Gretel quickly. "Oh Gertrud don't be stupid he cant come here or your… oh Darn it!" Cindy said realizing she gave herself away. "Ok that's it you two your going to have to play outside from now on!" said Cindy grabbing them by the wrists and throwing them outside "Its Gretel you stupid cow!" Gretel shouted as Cindy slammed and locked the door. "Hey Gretel, you want to go and play in the Forest of Utter Death and Poorly Made Decisions till they unlock the door?" said Hansel wanting to seek refuge under the trees from the rain. "Yeah sure what could go wrong…" said Gretel shrugging and leading them down into the forest. The forest was surprisingly pleasant, happy animals scampered about, flowers in full bloom even though they were out of season. They came across many different creatures and different people. "Oh my god Hansel I must be tripping balls! I could swear that that house was full of midgets!" said Gretel turning to her brother. "You think I your tripping balls?!? Look at that house it looks like its made of candy!" Hansel said pointing to the house further along the path. "Leave it to you fat ass to find the only building in the entire Forest of Utter Death and Poorly Made Decisions, but what ever im hungry all we had to eat where those "brownies" that caterpillar on the giant mushroom gave us but yeah I mean what harm could come from eating a random house seemingly made of candy in the Forest of Utter Death and Poorly Made Decisions?" said Gretel walking towards the house. When they arrived at the house they began to gnaw and chew at the house eating it bit by bit. "Oh God Damn it!" said a voice coming suddenly from the door of the house. "Mother fucking Caterpillar, I tell him over and over again to stop selling pot brownies and he just keeps doing it! And why the fuck do they always have to come to my house tripping balls and try and eat it… HEY HEY!! You fatty! Stop chewing my garden hose you chunky ass brat!" Yelled the voice. The Children quickly stopped eating(or Gretel did at lease it took Hansel a little longer) and looked up at the person whos house they were eating. She was tall and slender with a pretty face; long black hair pulled back into a messy pony tail and on her head sat a black pointy witches hat. Her outfit consisted of a pair of black shorts and a T shirt with a pumpkin logo on it (Smashing Pumpkins '79, followed be a pumpkin being crushed.) and a cape. The children gazed up at the women as if unable to look away, with the exception of Hansel who briefly eyed her garden hose before returning his gaze to her. "Wait a minuet… cape… pointy hat… pissed that someone's on her property….SHES IN THE KU KLUX KLAN!!!!!!" Yelled Hansel turning up to run away only to stumble over his fat legs and fall on his flat on his face. "God hes fat and stupid! Why did mom have to smoke meth when she was pregnant with us?!?!" said Gretel watching as her brother tried to get up only to fail once more. "OK you two get in my house, were going to have a long talk about eating special brownies, tripping balls and then eating my house. Its not even candy for Christ sake! Look! The doors Oak! Hurry up fatty!" yelled the women hurrying them into her house. The women lead them threw the house towards the back. "Hey Gretel…" whispered Hansel so the women couldn't hear them "What?" replied Gretel already pissed that the house wasn't made of candy and that they were now going to get bitched at by some Goth in a pointy hat. "I have a bad feeling, and its not the normal kind of bad feeling I get when I don't eat my three breakfasts" Hansel said looking around the house with dread at every lamp and picture and even a TV. "You stupid fat ass cow, nothing bad EVER happens in The Forest of Utter Death and Poorly Made Decisions, you probably just ate some bad garden hose is all." Said Gretel looking around the house that seemed fairly normal. It had a Kitchen a living room a bathroom and even a Torture room. "Wow you got a pretty classy joint here, was that torture room an addition?" asked Gretel trying to make the same cheap meaningless conversation her dads friends make when their wives are around them or when they run out of booze the night before. "Oh no it was rec-room I had it converted I didn't have room in my room to fit in a Iron Maiden and my ping-pong table got busted in the move so I was like eh, what the hell may as well." Said the women leading them threw a door into a second kitchen. "Oh where'd you move from?" asked Gretel taking a seat at the table splattered and stained with some red crap. "Oh the Out in The Dark Woods They Found a Sinister Looking Cabin Apartment complex just down the road from Once Upon A Time In A… condos complex. Yeah I couldn't afford them you know student loans." Said the women fumbling threw the drawers. "Ohh look Gretel! Floor Ketchup! Just like that time dad hit a deer with the car and dragged it threw the kitchen!" Said Hansel happily licking the red splotches on the ground. "Eww this taste like pennies too…" He said grimly only to go back to licking the floor. "God damn it fatty stop licking my floor!" the women said walking over to him kicking over. "You play the same game those kids at school played with my before I dropped out." Hansel said with a nostalgic face. "Don't drop out drop weight fat ass!" Gretel said leaning back in her a chair. "Ok you know what I was going to kill you and dump you in the well with that little girl that keeps calling me and saying 'seven days' and then seven days later that little whore just comes out of the television RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING AMERICAN IDOLE! I MISS ALL OF SIMONS INSULTS BECAUSE OF THAT BITCH!" yelled the women kicking Hansel repetitively in the side out of rage. "Stupid whore I didn't even watch the tape I just rented it for my friend ONE TIME!!!!!" and once more the women returned to kicking Hansel in the gut. "Oww this is just like when I asked daddy to play soccer with me after hes been with his friend Mr. Jack Daniels!" Hansel said crying a little. "Is he always this stupid?" the women asked Gretel. "I don't know its hard to understand him without half our fridge in his mouth." Gretel said helping her brother up. "right said the women walking over to Hansel. "Ok fatty lets get this over with." She said reaching and ripping off Hansel's left arm and taking a bite. "Hmm not bad, could use hot sauce though…" the women said taking another bite. "Oh my god… I get it now… the hat, the cape, your eating my brother in a non-sexual way… YOU'RE A WITCH! "Exclaimed Gretel yelling at the sight of the women chewing away at her brothers arm and the blood pouring out of his arm socket. "Shut the fuck up!" yelled the witch grabbing Gretel and cramming her body the best she could into the freezer and forcing the door closed not knowing if the ice try was being broken or the girls bones. The witch proceeded back to the table were the newly bled to death Hansel laid next to and his arm on the table. Grabbing her hot sauce and a chair the witch kicked back and turned onto some Trash TV (Jerry Springer, Maury, and Judge Judy) and ate Hansel bit by bit. Hansel and Gretel's parents never new what became of them but simply assumed they had joined a traveling Circus and ran away. The world pretty much went along the same. Time passed and riots came and gone but no one ever knew what became of the Gretel and the fat kid.
The End