Standard disclaimer applies.
This story has been revised and revamped. Some parts were changed and added to.
This is a bit of an AU story, considering that Lucius was not in Hogwarts at the same time as Snape or the Marauders…I don't think so, anyway. But let us, for a moment, just imagine that they were.
This is also a back-story to the events that took place in second chapter of The Chronicles of What: Draco Saw What? You don't have to read that to understand this, though.
Grand Theft Knickers.
Part One: The Plan.
"I'm bored. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"I don't know. I asked you first."
"How about some Quidditch?"
"Boring; is that all you ever think about, James?"
"No …"
"How about some homework, Sirius?"
"… I'm bored. What do you want to do?"
"It's time to get serious, Sirius," Lily stared down at him from where she stood, "The N.E.W.T's are coming up, and none of you are prepared."
Sirius paid Lily no heed, instead, he turned to James who was in the middle of releasing and catching the snitch in his hand, "I know, let's pay Snivellus a little visit."
"Nah … Quidditch sounds much more appealing," James leaned back in the chair and looked at Sirius with a bored expression.
Sirius snorted and looked over to where Remus sat, his nose buried in a thick Transfiguration book.
As if feeling his friends eyes on him, the werewolf looked up from the book, "I have things to do in the library."
"Let's get Snivellus back at Quidditch?"
Sirius didn't seem to hear, or chose to ignore, the simpering voice of Peter Pettigrew.
"No. Homework!" Lily balled her fists at her sides and glared at Sirius.
"Snivellus."
"Quidditch."
"Snivellus!"
"Quidditch!"
"Homework!"
It was another normal day in the Gryffindor Common Room, before the four boys decided to head towards the kitchen for some snacks, leaving the red faced Lily Evan's to stare at their receding backs.
- - - - -
Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Dormitories …
"I'm bored."
"So?"
"I'm bored."
"Then go play with yourself in front of the mirror, Lucius."
"Fine. Stay here by your greasy self then, Severus," Lucius treaded up the stairs leading to the boys' dormitories and slammed the door behind him.
- - - - -
"In case you haven't noticed, people, I'm still bored," Sirius mumbled though a mouth full of cupcakes, spraying all the others with bits of chocolate crumbs.
"Then go find your beloved Snivellus, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes, "Honestly. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were smitten with him."
"What? I-I-why I-Remus!" Sirius spluttered, looking scandalized at the mere mention, "that's low, Moony. Very low."
"He does bring up a very good point, Sirius," James snickered, "you do have an almost unnatural infatuation with the greasy slime ball."
Peter looked torn between Sirius and James. Not knowing which to support.
"Why I …" Sirius huffed, "I'm going to use the bathroom!" he stood up abruptly and walked out.
The three of them watched Sirius go with an expression of mixed exasperation, amusement and guilt on Peter's part.
"So, tonight's the big night isn't it, Remus?" James brushed off Sirius' outburst off his shoulder, it wasn't the first time that had happened anyway.
"Yes. So, where are we going tonight? I think we've pretty much covered the entire Hogwarts and Hogsmead ground by now."
"We'll just have to see tonight then, won't we?"
"I guess you're right."
- - - - -
Stupid Severus, Lucius though to his bed as he lay spread eagle on the bed, eyes scanning designs that the cracks made in the ceiling, what would he know about doing something anyway?
Lucius sighed and pushed himself up with his elbows so that he was half sitting, half-lying down on the mattress. His gaze fell on his reflection in the dress mirror that stood in the far corner of the room and a theoretical light bulb went off over his head. It couldn't hurt, he smirked to himself as he studied the mirror.
Sliding off the soft comforts of his bed, Lucius made his way toward the bathroom. A few minutes later when he finally emerged, he was clad in nothing but a pair purple, red and green polka dotted knickers. He stood in front of the mirror silently, studying himself. Turning to the side, he surveyed his pale body, illuminated by the dank lighting of the dungeon. Lucius absorbed the comforting presence of his multicoloured undergarments. The way they enhanced the muscles on his body, how the utter brightness of them made him stand out in the middle of the mono-toned room. Most of all, he liked the way they made him feel safe, comforted, worthy … like a million Galleons.
Unbeknownst to him, an eye was surveying him though the small crack in the door.
- - - - -
I wonder what prissy Lucius is doing, the poncy git, Snape thought to himself as he sat alone reading his favourite book, Most Potent Potions. I should see what he's doing … it's awfully quiet in there. Perhaps he's cast a spell that had backfired. I would only be so lucky.
Snape took to his feet and walked upstairs to the door of the room he was sharing with the Malfoy. He was just about to reach his hand to the door know when he saw Lucius' reflection in the mirror. Lucius?
The blonde boy didn't seem to have noticed his presence, leaving the black haired teen to his spying. After a moment of silent gawking, the only thing that Snape could think about was how to get his hands on those knickers.
- - - - -
"Those guys are such twats," Sirius muttered to himself as he made his way to the bathroom, shoulders hunched and hands in his pockets. Greasy Snivellus needs to be taught a lesson. Maybe I should steal his underpants and hang it from the Astronomy Tower, his face suddenly lit up, maybe I should hang 'him' from the Astronomy Tower. Though, I can't do this alone. I'll need a partner …
With that final thought, he pushed his way into the second floor bathroom. He could not have even imagined what Fate had in store for him.
- - - - -
"I'm so bored," Lucius had changed out of his favourite knickers and now resumed his original position; lying spread out on his back, trying desperately, but failing, to come up with a plan to amuse himself. Sighing exasperatedly, he decided that any type of activity that might interest him in the slightest was not going to happen in the Dungeons. Maybe it was time to go and bother James Potter and his band of merry men.
Grabbing his silk, emerald coloured scarf, Lucius walked out of the room, finding that Snape hadn't moved an inch from his position since Lucius had exited the Common Room.
"Severus?" Lucius walked over to him, "Severus, did you die with your eyes open and not tell me?"
Snape stayed silent, eyes stared fixatedly on the same page he was on since his little discovery.
"Sev – nevermind," Lucius waved him off and walked out.
Snape's POV.
They are so beautiful if compared to my own … so pale and boring. Should I nick them? Lucius would kill me if he found out … that is … if he finds out. But I should not. It is not becoming of a Prince. I would tar dear mother's name. In any case, what would I think if anyone stole my precious pair. I would not know what to do if they ever disappeared. Should I or shouldn't I? Yes or no? Decisions, decisions …
- - - - -
After leaving Snape to his sulking, Lucius roamed around the school, alone and still jaded. So far, he had managed to curse a few first year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, left a few lingering surprises for Angus Filch, the caretaker, along the corridor, and snogged a couple of Slytherin and Ravenclaw girls.
All of a sudden, a sinister smell coming from the opposite direction forced him to halt in his tracks. Curiosity got the better of him and he found himself following the offensive smell, if only to find out what rare creature would emit such a stench. Perhaps he could sell it to the Daily Prophet and make some extra Galleons. He soon found himself in front of the second floor bathroom, where the smell seemed to have originated from.
What in the name of Merlin? Lucius pinched his nose with his thumb and fore finger, I don't think the Daily Prophet would want something that smelled this bad, no matter how valuable it may be. Maybe it'd be better off going to the Quibbler.
Any further Galleon gaining schemes were cut short when the door flew open and a figure rushed out. He didn't seem to notice Lucius standing in front and rammed right into him, sending both boys to the floor with a thud.
Lucius groaned and pushed himself to a sitting position. He rubbed the sore spot on his behind and turned a glare to the other person when a familiar voice reached his ears.
"You don't want to go in there, mate; trust me."
"Black?"
"Wha-" Sirius looked to the person he had bumped into. Realization finally dawned on him and he growled in a low and menacing tone, "Malfoy."
"What in the name …" the same realization dawned on Lucius and he narrowed his eyes at the offending person, "I should have suspected, Black. No creature alive today could have produced a stench so foul. Well, I guess that when one person is foul, he tends to stink up everything that crosses his path."
"Ah, very witty, Malfoy. So tell me, Lucius, you seem to hide the smell very well, maybe you could recommend the same spell you used."
"Good comeback, Sirius. I say, you seem to have more brain when Perfect Potter isn't around to brood over. Has he snogged you yet? Because you seem sadly deprived every time he's in the same vicinity."
"Same goes for you, Malfoy," Sirius growled, "Where's Snivellus? Is he warming up the sheets for you already? My, my, you two do work fast."
Lucius' eyebrow twitched, "I beg your pardon – no, that did not come out right; beg my pardon, Black, I would not let Greasy Severus anywhere near my velvet covers with a ten foot wand."
"You use velvet covers, Malfoy?" Sirius didn't hide his amusement in the slightest, "Merlin, what a ponce."
"You should try it sometime, Black, them maybe you wouldn't look like something a dragon chewed and spat out."
"Why? Is this an invitation?" Sirius' mouth curled up into a smirk.
"What if it is?" Lucius stared intently at him.
The both of them stayed silent for a long moment after the last phrase was uttered. The awkwardness of the situation had managed to grab them by the throat.
"So …" Sirius purposely didn't make eye contact with the taller blonde.
Lucius cleared his throat.
"Greasy Severus, eh?" Sirius said suddenly.
"Snivellus?" Lucius added, "I've always wondered whether it was Father Potter came up with that?"
"Father Potter?" Sirius raised an eyebrow but failed to keep the mirth from slipping out with his words.
"What?" Lucius shrugged slightly, "Lily Evans-Potter and James Potter: Ma and Pa Potter. Do they not mother you constantly with their incessant whining and complaining? Perhaps he should be Mother Potter, Evans' seems to be the one who wears the trousers in the relationship."
The last comments made Sirius burst out in laughter, only after a few seconds did he finally manage to get the laughing under control. Wiping the tears of amusement with the back of his hand he looked over at a smirking Lucius, "You know Malfoy, I'd sooner chew my hand off that admit that you're anything other than a lowly, under-handed Slytherin scum. But I have to confess, you can be pretty funny when you want to be."
"Yes, I am aware of that. It's the Malfoy charm that I will pass onto my son, and he will pass onto his own son. It's the circle of life, Black. There is no doubt in my mind that the family Potters' will indubitably breed a whole new generation of Potter preachers."
"You know, James wasn't always a –"
"Wet blanket? Fuddy-duddy? Killjoy? Flubberworm's grandfather –"
"I get your point, Malfoy," Sirius glared at him, "and sad to say … all of the above. It all started when Lily first caught his eye, and he started trying to impress her in classes, with Quidditch. I think he still has a scar from when he smash into the Slytherin stands. I never thought that Slytherin's were even dangerous without wands."
"I remember that. Good, good memory."
"Before this, James was a scoundrel, a force to be reckoned with –"
"I saw what you did to Severus during the O.W.L examinations. Just like a vagabond to wear such offensive undergarments."
"Yes. Good, good times," Sirius grinned broadly. Snapping out of his reverie, he looked at Lucius with a raised eyebrow, "I never knew you disliked him that much. I always thought that Slytherin's stick together."
"Why would you think that?" he returned Sirius' raised eyebrow with one of his own, "You must have confused us with you Gryffindor do-gooders. Slytherin's only stick together to ensure then when you're attacked, you have that extra person to throw in the path of the curse."
"Good to know that you can always count on a Slytherin to be sadistic and cruel, not something I could say about my friends," Sirius sulked.
Lucius looked at the downtrodden Sirius with a questioning gaze when a thought suddenly came to him, "You doing anything later, Black?"
"No, why?" Lucius' sudden question snapped him out of his thought.
"I'm currently experiencing an assault of boredom, and perhaps you could assist in curing it. Of course, strictly in the name of evil-doing, not that we'd be … eugh … friends or anything."
Sirius thought about his answer for a moment then stuck out his hand for Malfoy to take, "Sounds fair enough. I'm bored out of my mind right now as well. So, truce?"
Lucius studied his outstretched hand for a moment before grabbing it with his own, "It is the last year of school, and who would know? Alright, truce."
"Great," Sirius shared a similar smirk with Lucius, "so then, what should we do. I was thinking something along the lines of Severus Snape."
That suggestion managed to catch Lucius' fancy, "What did you have in mind?"
"I was actually thinking of something along the lines of hanging him out the Astronomy Tower by his underpants –"
"No, too public. We need something more affective and less obvious. Something like –"
"I've got it," the dark haired Gryffindor exclaimed suddenly, startling Lucius. He grabbed the blonde boy roughly by the shoulders, ignoring the glares that were being thrown at him, and whispered frantically into his ear.
Lucius' expression turned from discontent, to curious, to downright shocked in under five seconds, "You're kidding?" he pulled away from Black and stared him straight in the eyes, "Remus Lupin is a werewolf?"
"That's not important now," Sirius brushed him off, as if not realizing that he had just blurted out his friends biggest secret to the enemy, "what's important is that we teach Snivellus the lesson he so obviously needs."
"I have to admit, Black. You do have some brains to go with that brawn, if it is just a speck."
"What was that?" Sirius seemed to have missed Lucius' last comment.
"Nothing."
"So, we'll do this tonight, just after dusk. I'll meet you in front of the pear and don't forget the plan."
"I'm a Malfoy, Black, and Malfoys never forget," Lucius turned up his nose and walked off.
"I thought elephants never forgot. But I guess the Malfoy ego is as big as an elephant, if not bigger."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
- - - - -
"Padfoot, where have you been?" James looked up when he heard the entrance door open and Sirius waltzed in, "Don't tell me you spent the entire time in the bathroom. What did you have for lunch?" James was sitting on the couch with his arm around Lily's, who obviously was still mad at them for ignoring her that she kept scooting away from James. Oblivious to the hint, he just scooted along with her.
"Nah … just wandering around the castle, thinking –" he was cut off when Lily jumped up off the couch and put a hand to his forehead, checking his temperature.
"Sirius, are you feeling ill?"
He swatted her hand away and with a glare, turned to Remus.
"Shouldn't you be going to the shack about now? It's getting dark," He whispered.
"Chasing me out so early, Sirius?" he said with mock-hurt dripping from his words, "I always knew I was just a tool for you to use to quench your crave for adventure, but this just proves it …" he sniffled, "but that's alright, I understand," he stood and gathered up his things. Behind him, James and Lily had to cover their mouth with their hands to keep from bursting out into laughter, "I will go now, Sirius, just like you want. By myself … into the darkness, alone … with no company. I don't mind being chased out, but by you –"
"Okay, okay!" Sirius held his hands up in defence, causing the James and Lily to lose the fight of the giggles and doubled over on the couch, "I didn't mean it in that way, Remus, so there was no need for such dramatics."
Remus walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder, "I know, Sirius, but you also know how much I like to see you squirm. And if you will excuse me, I have a date with Professor Dumbledore."
As Remus exited the Gryffindor Common Room, Sirius stretched his arms over his head and faked a yawn, "I think I'll just catch some shut-eye. Wouldn't want to fall asleep when the big moment comes, do I? See you tonight then Peter, family Potters'."
With out waiting for a reply, he rushed upstairs and shut the door to his room.
James, Lily and Peter exchanged a look, their thoughts immediately went to one thing.
"He's up to something."
End Part One.