Obligatory disclaimer: Naruto and all associated characters and settings are the property of Masashi Kishimoto. I receive no monetary gain from this heinous misuse of the author's characters, etc, etc.

Notice: As of 6/22/12, the author has deemed this work unsuitable for this site. It will move to LJ where it can run free among its warped brethren. Please see ava-scribbles at LJ for the unedited version of this... this. The address is ava-scribbles, followed by a dot and then a "livejournal" and then another dot, and then a 'c' and an 'o' and an 'm', followed by a slash, then the numbers 1033, then another dot, an 'h', a 't', an 'm', and an 'l'. Turn left at the intersection of "wtf" and "why so paranoid, website?"; if you hit "404: address not found", then someone may have flubbed somewhere.

Chapter 1: Submit

The large, cluttered room was silent except for the crackling of the fire in the grate and the scratching of Fearless Leader's pen. Hidan gave the room a cursory inspection before shrugging out of his Akatsuki cloak, sprawling over the nearest chaise and staring up at the mildew-stained ceiling. The place was probably older than Kakuzu, and it showed. Smelled a little, too. The only light came from the fireplace and a pair of oil sconces at either side of the desk where the boss sat. Chains were strewn everywhere, indicating that His Godship probably used the mansion as a prison for his endless supply of enemy ninja and out-of-favor flunkies. Or as a sex den.

Or both. Never knew with Fearless Leader, and it wasn't as though he would tell Hidan about it.

Hidan heaved a sigh. "Fuck, this sucks. Why do I always end up in dank smelly holes like this?"

Pein didn't look up from his scribbling. "Freud would say it's a reflection of your subconscious and that you're drawn to these places because of your repressed sexual desires."

Hidan snorted. "My sexual desires aren't repressed. You, I worry about."

Pein made a few more notes and then stashed the scroll in his cloak and raised an eyebrow at Hidan. "I am a god... and I have awesome facial piercings. I get what I need."

"Like hell you're a god," Hidan scoffed.

Pein shrugged. "The fanfic writers believe it, and that's all that matters." He watched Hidan fiddle with his Jashin insignia for a moment and smiled evilly. "They seem to have decided that your religion forbids sex," he informed the Jashinist. Hidan looked up, horrified.

"No fucking way! Where does it say that in the canon?"

"I don't think it does, but it's an established fact in the fandom."

"Oh, sure, I make one speech about the absolute supremacy of my god and suddenly I'm a goddamned monk!" Hidan lapsed into a series of muttered curses while Pein stood from his seat and stretched, sighing. His gaze traveled appreciatively over the half-naked man on the chaise, taking in lean muscles and pale skin and far fewer scars than seemed plausible, given how often the man carved himself up... or let others do the carving. Pein pictured that skin covered with blood and imagined the maniacal ranting turned to husky groans of pain. He could see the violet eyes half-wild with ecstasy... he could smell the blood... A rush he rarely felt anymore ran through him at the thought, and he hardened in his pants.

"Well, on with the plot," he murmured. Hidan's attention returned to him.

"There's a plot? I thought we were just going to have an awkwardly out-of-character dialogue about religion and world domination and then come up with some contrived excuse to fuck one another."

"Let's skip the dialogue." Pein gave Hidan a wicked grin and stalked over to the chaise. "We both know how it goes anyway. I reveal my next plan for world dominion, unaware that the Mary-Sue protagonists are going to thwart all of my ridiculously powerful minions and save the day. You get bored and start to rattle on about the great Jashin's power over all living things. I take it as a sexual challenge. Then we maul each other. So..." he leaned over Hidan, bracing one arm against the back of the chaise and hovering inches from the Jashinist's face. "Forget the sermon, and let me show you a true God of Pain."

The breath that brushed across Hidan's face had no scent. Firelight glimmered on the many piercings and gleamed in the flat-grey rings of the would-be god's eyes... eyes that held lifetimes of torment but not a trace of human compassion. Hidan briefly wondered if his own God's eyes looked that flat and cold.

He decided they probably did. Pein may not be a god, but he for damn sure wasn't entirely human either, and the thought of the tortures that inhuman mind could devise for him made his blood burn and his pants tighten uncomfortably.

Oh right, His Godship wanted a response.

"Might as well, Pein-sama," Hidan grinned. "I've got nothing better to do."

Explicit content has been removed from this story. Please see AvaScribbles at LJ for unedited version.

A sudden triggering of their instincts caused both men to freeze. For a moment, Hidan couldn't tell exactly what the fuck had just happened, but then Pein's head turned slowly toward the door. Hidan followed his leader's gaze.

In the doorway- the open doorway, Pein realized and wanted to murder Hidan for not shutting the door- stood Uchiha Itachi. Whatever expression he might have worn was hidden behind the high collar of his Akatsuki cloak, though when they spotted him, he did favor them with an embarrassed-sounding grunt before speaking.

"I... I'm sorry, Leader. I was preoccupied and- that is, I didn't mean to interrupt-"

"I don't think that's it," Hidan snickered. Pein glanced down and saw the immortal's mouth curve into a Cheshire cat grin and the violet eyes narrow slyly. Then the silver-haired ninja was on his feet and striding across the room to Itachi, who visibly tensed but didn't move. "I think little Itachi-kun was curious." He gave Itachi a sultry look and drew close.

Itachi took a step back to reestablish his personal space bubble but found himself pressed against the half-naked form of his leader. Pein slipped his arms around the Uchiha's waist and chuckled in his ear.

"That seems far more plausible than your excuse, Itachi," he murmured. "After all, a shinobi of your skill rarely walks into any situation without being fully aware of what is going on."

Judging the mischievous "god" at his back to be a greater threat than the smirking violet-eyed maniac in front of him, Itachi turned to face his leader. The moment he did so, Hidan sprang forward and pulled the Uchiha's forehead protector down over his eyes. In the same moment, Pein swept the red-and-black cloak from his newest victim's shoulders, and both men pressed against their prey, sandwiching him between them. The raven-haired prodigy suppressed a sigh and considered his position.

He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he wandered in here or why he was surprised that the reaction he got wasn't the least bit amusing. The fact remained that he'd gotten himself in yet another mess without trying and now must deal with the consequences.

The two of them were being more seductive than threatening... and it would be difficult, not to mention an overreaction, to try to fight them off using jutsu... but maybe it wasn't too late to dissuade them from their perverted whim. He assumed an air of earnest naiveté.

"I wasn't lying," he protested. "The house is secure, and Kisame is usually with me anyway, so there's no need to be so on-guard. Really, ninety-eight percent of the time I'm just wandering around in a daze." He realized he'd taken on the wrong persona when Hidan's tongue ran up one side of his neck and Pein's lips fastened to the other side. Both men were clearly very much aroused, and their hands started to wander.

"Hm, really," Pein murmured, kneeling to divest Itachi of his shoes. Meanwhile, Hidan's hands slipped under the Uchiha's shirt and explored tense muscles, pinching sensitive nipples and making Itachi suppress a gasp. "That doesn't sound like you."

"And you fucking Hidan is totally in-character," Itachi muttered.

Hidan threw his head back and barked a laugh at that. "It makes the fangirls happy," he said, and then his voice dropped to a dangerous, velvety purr. "And so will this."

Itachi felt them pull him away from the open doorway and heard the door slam shut, and then Hidan was attacking his neck again with lips and tongue and teeth. A particularly hard nip below his ear finally drew a gasp from Itachi's throat, and Hidan gave a low hum of triumph and concentrated on that spot. Pein's busy hands ran up and down the younger man's frame, first removing his weapon belt and then unfastening his pants, then abandoning that task to slide up his shirt before returning to his hips. The sheer heat of the two men's bodies pressed against his own started to get to Itachi, but as he tipped his head back to give Pein's mouth access to his throat, he tried one last time.

"You shouldn't assume that I want-" he interrupted himself with another soft gasp when Hidan's hands slipped beneath the waistband of his pants and roughly palmed the rapidly hardening member between his legs. Pein's mouth covered his, cutting off further protest, and Itachi finally gave up.