The First One, a digimon fanfic

I wrote this a few months back. I was originally going to post it after I was finished with the Sukkakumon chapters, but I figured I should upload something Frontier-related to celebrate Christmas, since I wrote a Tamers one-shot. This is a songfic in my OC Mirai Kimishima's POV and directed to Takuya. The lyrics are to The First One by Boys Like Girls from their most recent album, Love Drunk.

I know it's not Christmas-related in the least, but I find it remotely heartwarming so I thought it kinda fit with the holiday. So I hope you enjoy this, and note I have two more one-shots on the way, a 02 one and a Yugioh GX one, although I'm probably not going to finish them before Christmas is over. I apologize for that, and I wish you a merry Christmas!

The First One

When it's love, it's always hard. It's just how it's meant to be. It made me wish to be a little kid again, because a skinned knee is a lot easier healed than a broken heart. It was like my mind knew exactly what was right, but my heart was being retarded and still cared. I couldn't get over all those words you always said to me, those things you promised. You promised you'd keep me close, so then how did you manage to get away? You said you never wanted to hurt me, so does that mean that you closed your eyes when I cried?

Even though you're gone and far away
I feel you all around
I think about it every single day
You got away somehow

From the very start, I couldn't find a reason to not feel the pain of it all. It was always something nagging me, something upon me like a dark storm cloud that just never dispersed so I could see the sweet, warm sunshine. Every time that I reached out towards that little ray of sunshine, it brought me down. Maybe because it reminded me of how you were so close, close enough to touch, but you felt so far away from me. I knew things had changed between us, and a part of me didn't want to accept it.

I can't sleep, it's hard to breathe
And I still feel you next to me, now I can see

There were many nights that I just laid awake, thinking of you and how I thought you'd be here. I could always picture the way you'd put your arms around my waist and I'd feel your breath on my neck, and I would smile. But these gestures were long since gone; I missed them, I missed you. Countless times I sensed your enmity and I turned around to see nothing, no signs of you. I always just shake my head and keep walking, still bothered by the feeling I get when you're around, when I lose my breath and can't think straight. I know it's my own paranoia, but I can't help the feeling…

At first, I had no idea how to deal with that loneliness I felt, it was so unfamiliar. I knew I had to get used to the feeling of you not being around day after day, I tried to think positive for once in my life. But it always turned back to thoughts that always made me hate you all the more. Why did what we had burn out so quickly, like a little candle pinched out? How did we fall so far, down far enough that I felt like what we had was suffocating, dying because of one kiss? Maybe it was my fault, maybe it was yours, but after a while, I just wanted to call a truce. We were still young, we still had time to fix all of this back up, bring it all back to life once again so maybe the star could shine again.

Spinning like a movie in my head
I've seen a thousand times
I learned to take it hard and fall instead
Of sitting safe on the sidelines

Whenever it replayed in my head, I found all these reasons to say sorry, but that little part of me told me repeatedly that it just wasn't my fault. I had never wished for us to break apart, I never wanted any of this. But it was like a scar that I just kept pulling the scab off of time and time again, and the feeling was almost addicting. It always renewed me and brought me up, making me feel more alive than I ever felt when playing it all safe, thinking that I didn't need to learn how it felt. But going through it all and pushing through the pain has taught me to be stronger, and I hope that you are too.

Lost days, pictures fade
Somehow you're still miles away, it's safe to say

I can't explain how much time I've lost just thinking of you and everything that was crushed between us. I always walked into my room to open the same box of photographs from past times, better times. Looking at them all, I sit there and wonder that maybe you do the same thing every so often, just as I do. When I'm angry, I tell myself that you don't care and you wouldn't even bother reminiscing at what we once were, just because it feels good. But my heart always seems to get the best of me, and I smile without those aggravated tears shining on my cheeks. You care. You've always cared.

The first one is the worst one
When it comes to a broken heart
Your first love, yeah you're so young
And you feel like a fallen star
There's a fire in the city
That's burning out tonight
You're breathing but you're barely alive
The first one is the worst one
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart
'Cause I would run through a thunderstorm
Just to kiss you
I'm out here on my own
Better now than I was before, but I miss you
And I want you to know

Periodically, I've come to the conclusion that love doesn't exist. I swore I wouldn't sing of it, I wouldn't sing of anything that proved to be wrong. You know well enough to know, it's my way of putting out my feelings in a calm manner. Without my songs, it made me a wreck. I blamed it on you, as I always had. I blamed my bandaged hand on you, the fist that I threw at my wall when everything was over. I blamed my sore eyes on you, for all the tears that I shed wishing you'd come back. But it's hardly a problem now, the wound is scabbed over again and hopefully will heal before I can manage to open it again. I wish you know I don't renew those feelings because I hate you, I honestly don't know why I do it. But I promise that I've never truly hated you; I just always fooled myself.

I can't sleep, it's hard to breathe
And I still feel you next to me, and I can see, yeah

I used to wish that my tears could create a wall between us, so I'd never have to see you again. Maybe with that wall, I'd forget about you, I'd stop getting those notions that you're right beside me. I used to hate that feeling that you're always at my side, but now, I find it almost comforting. Now I feel a bit childish, because at times I compared you to my guardian angel, because you always seemed to be there at times I felt like no one else was, the times I truly needed you. As I look back on it now, I laugh, but at the same time, I know it's slightly true. And I know I've never thanked you for that, that is, if you're even aware of it yourself. Did you wish to watch over me? Did you pray for someone to keep an eye on me? Did you know it to be you? No matter, know it or not, thanks.

I'm glad we could both come to an understanding on what we were to each other now. It feels so right to finally let go and allow the scars to heal. We've both found others that we have to make special time for, and I'm all right with that. But when it all comes down to it, the time we spend together is different. Maybe because we used to have something, or maybe because of time only bringing us closer. Whatever the case, I'm thankful for it. You've given me something that I never thought would ever exist again. I actually have a life worth living. But don't think you're the whole reason, don't take the glory all for yourself. You can't ever forget Koji! Heh…

The first one is the worst one
When it comes to a broken heart (feel you all around)
Your first love, yeah you're so young
And you feel like a fallen star (got away somehow)

Things will get better from here, I'm sure of it. I've gotten better at accepting everything. I know now that I can live my life without being bothered by the fact I might not see your face every day and feel angry. I don't miss those things I felt, those emotions that only made things between us suffer. I bet we could've resolved everything so much sooner if I wouldn't have been so stubborn and self-righteous, but you were patient, you knew I was going to come around eventually. I was young and stupid, but you knew what to do. You know me well, you know I don't like being helped up when I fall. You just kept your distance and waited, and to be honest, I couldn't think of a smarter thing you could've done. You just knew I was going to bounce back.

There's a fire in the city
That's burning out tonight
You're breathing but you're barely alive
The first one is the worst one
When it comes, when it comes to a broken heart

All the times I thought I was just going to die of sorrow and angst, I never did. I totally blew everything out of proportion. Maybe that's because you were the first one to make me open my eyes to the painful reality that nothing's perfect. I know now things aren't quite as bad as I first interpreted them, and now I'll try harder to understand everything how it really is. I'll try to make my future work, and I wish you well on yours. I wasn't the one that you were looking for, but I hope you find her. Who knows? It could be Zoe, she's asked me about you. And I just smiled and said, 'Go for him. If there's ever a guy you want to be your first one, it's him. And maybe if you're lucky, and you wish real hard, he'll also be your last.'