Hika: Weeee're baaaack!
DG: Still haven't managed to steal LotR, though, so I guess that means we don't own it.
Hika: How mean... ;_;
DG: Soo, this story is a Legolas/Merry fic.
Hika: No! It's Legolas/Gimli!
DG: No it's not, that's overdone. We should be original and do Legolas/Merry!
Hika: But everybody knows Merry's with Frodo!
DG: ...well, look, let's just see where it goes, okay? I mean, lots of other people do it that way, so I'm sure it'll work for us!
Hika: Okay! Let's go!
A Mockery of a Co-written Fanfic
by DarkGatomon and Hikaness
Yes, him... Legolas always had a thing for Gimli. That wonderful little dwarf was so funny and cute and fluffy and cute and really really fun to be around.
However, in his heart, he felt some doubt when he thought of the darling dwarf. Another kept creeping into his thoughts when he least expected it... another just as short and witty and rotund, but by no means the same. Yes, that delightful hobbit Merry was a constant fixture of his daydreams.
But of course, Merry was nowhere near as spectacular as Gimli. And Gimli was taller.
Until Merry had drunk the Ent Ale, that was. Since then, Merry had grown cute robust and masculine.
But Gimil was still taller. And more manly.
But Legolas didn't really care about that anyway. Because matters of the heart heed not the eyes, and his devotion to the halfling could not be swayed merely by petty charms.
Until it came to Gimli, at least. Gimli was so totally cooler than Merry. Like, totally, dude. Man.
Unfortunately, Gimli was already scheduled to be wed to Thiatrella on the morrow, and so he was sadly a lost cause.
Unfortunately as well, Merry was very involved with Frodo. Dumbass.
So, Legolas knew what he must do. He must break into Merry's house and bear him away ere the coming of morning, so that he might change Merry's mind and be with him forever!
But that wouldn't work, so he would break up Gimli's wedding instead.
What a plight, however! He knew not where the wedding would be held!
But then Aragorn showed him! Horray!
Still, how could he do this to his would-be lover? Would it not be too cruel?
No, of course it wouldn't! Because it was a forced marriage and Gimli didn't want to marry Thumbelina anyway.
And yet, Thiatrella Thumbelina was a great noblewoman/priestess/princess, and so the marriage had to take place because otherwise her father, a God, would destroy the entire world with his wrath!!
But her father also believed in true love! Legolas had nothing to lose!
So, still with a torn heart, Legolas went to sleep and awaited the morrow, wondering what wonderful events might transpire the next day.
Like, perhaps, Legolas could steal Tarentella's dress and get married to Gimli right then and there!
Unfortunately, that OBVIOUSLY wouldn't work in real life because because Thumbelina Tarentella, or Thiatrella as she was more commonly known, was only the size of a halfling, and Legolas the Prince of Elves was most certainly not.
But Legolas was a very accomplished seamstress.
And so, Legolas was all clad in sparkling white, when who should come into his dressing room but Merry!
But he had Pippin behind him, dragging him lovingly.
What a horrible sight greeted Legolas's eyes! It seemed that Pippin was dead, slaughtered, perhaps, by a gang of orcs, but victim by any means to a cruel and uncaring fate.
But then Merry said, "Now that Pippin's dead, there's no one standing between me and Frodo!" He smiled cheerfully.
Legolas knew that Merry was refering to Pippin's habit of always standing between Frodo and himself when they were walking, probably because of an insanity caused by fighting in the war. "You poor, brave hobbit!" the elf cried, kneeling and taking Merry in his arms.
Merry then BIT LEGOLAS IN THE NECK BECAUSE HE WAS A VAMPIRE.
Legolas cried out and slumped over Merry's shoulder, but then smiled weakly. "So, you do feel the same way I do, then... You wanted to be able to live with me forever, and so that was why you bit me!"
"No," said Merry, "I just have uncontrolable blood lust!" He then proceeded to feast on Pippin's innards.
"Ah, my darling, how well you hide your pain!" cried Legolas. "You have always been the bravest creature I have ever known."
"You're a pansy," said Merry.
Legolas hung his head. Clearly, the vampire blood coursing through his veins had turned poor Merry's mind astray. The regal elf had no choice... only a kiss from a virgin bride could save the halfling's life now!
Of course, Legolas had long ago lost his virginity to Gimli. He was lying by wearing the white wedding dress.
As such, he knew he must call upon the true owner of the dress, the halfling Thiatrella. Sadly, only she could save his would-be lover!
Also sadly, he had killed Thklmuffin to get the dress and to marry Gimli.
Fortunately, it turned out that true love was just as good as virginity, and a whole lot easier to fake, so Legolas just went with that!!
Unfortunately, it didn't work and Merry died.
Distraught by this, Legolas flung himself upon a wooden sword, which pierced his chest and his heart, but not his undying love for Merriadoc. THE END.
OR WAS IT? No! Because Legolas CAME BACK TO LIFE when Gimil cried on him! And they lived happily ever after, THE END.
Author's Note: Sarah sucks.
Author's Note: Dorthy sucks more.
Author's Note: Yeah, right. Whatever.
Author's Note: Like, yeah, totally, man. Darkgaotmomnanfe.
Author's Note: *explodes*
Author's Note: BWUHAHAHAHA. PHASE ONE IS NOW COMPLETE.