This is not the first thing I have written, but it is the first I have shared outside of classroom assignments. Be gentle, but please do share your honest thoughts on this little intro. I tend to ramble, so let me know if I should find myself a beta :)
Thank you!
I have never been the kind of girl who does things the easy way – remorse and doubt cloud my mind at every turn. Looking back on my life, I find myself heavily bogged down by regret and a copious dose of embarrassment. All of my decisions come under regular scrutiny, even the ones from over a decade ago. The judgment passed inside my own head is harsher and more relentless than any that could ever come from another person. No matter what I do, I feel as though I could have done it differently, made it better, or that I should have acted differently leading up to the decision to make it work differently. I know my faults, and I dwell almost painfully on them, long after there is nothing I can do to rectify them. There is, and maybe always will be, a part of me that constantly cries out against happiness, pointing out the many reasons I do not deserve it. I constantly withdraw into my mind and lash out bitterly at myself.
I know I should be happier, but somehow that would be simply unacceptable.
I find myself looking back at everything that I have done, and wondering…
... what if?