Ashley the Genie Presents
Big-Boned: The New Seduction
Chapter One:
Brilliant Schemes and Other Themes
Aww... all of the reviews for my last story were so sweet. Remember, though, I write a lot of satire, so not a lot of my fics should be taken seriously. Glad you liked it, though. :) Also, this chapter is MEANT to be mostly dialog, for any critics out there.
Unfortunately, due to the rules of fanfiction, I am not allowed to mention any 'real' people in a fanfiction. Therefore, it is forbidden that I have any celebrity guests. However, I can switch up the names and see who can guess that celebrity.
Wow... one day I'll have my own game show. "Guess... That... CELEBRITY!" -applause-
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own South Park, as I am not genius enough to come up with that satirical masterpiece.
"Guys, guys!" Instead of knocking, Cartman had barged right into Stan's household without so much as a knock in the middle of the guys playing Scrabble. Kenny was winning, since he managed to spell 'Playboy' on a triple word score square.
"What, fat-ass?" Kyle yelled in mock-excitement.
"Very funny, Kyle. I guess I won't tell you my brilliant plan to make ten million dollars." Cartman stuck his tongue out.
"Another one?" Stan didn't even look up from the board as he asked. "Jesus, Cartman, when are you going to learn? We're not gonna make another band are we? I'm sick of that stuff."
"No, no, you guys, it's even better! Stan, does your sister have any of her girly magazines up in her room?"
"Probably, dude. It's not like I go up there and check. I wouldn't snoop around in Shelley's room even if she was stone cold and six feet under. Trust me, she'd find a way to get out of her grave and beat the shit outta me."
"What if she was cremated?" Kenny asked
"She'd kick my ass when I got into heaven."
"That's fine, I've got one of my own," Cartman pulled out an issue of Glamour Girl and starting flipping the pages.
"Cartman, you're buying womens' magazines now? Is there something you're not telling us?" Kyle and the boys all laughed at him, but Cartman didn't respond. "You're not the next Mr. Garrison, are you?"
"No, you guys! Now, I want you to go through and count how many perfume samples you can find that are made by a celebrity." He handed over that magazine, and the other three flipped through.
With each perfume ad they came across, they all three sniffed. Most of the samples weren't anything special, so Stan, Kenny and Kyle wondered what Cartman was thinking. "I don't get it, Cartman. None of these smell all that great."
Cartman looked excited. "I know, but check out the prices."
'Holy shit, dude!" Kyle yelled when he saw that one bottle of a perfume called 'Delicious Light' was 57 dollars. There wasn't even that much in the whole bottle! "How much are the others?"
Now they flipped through trying to find the most expensive, and the cheapest one. The most expensive was 62 dollars for 'B.L.A.M' by Glen Stephanie. The cheapest was still 50 dollars for one called 'Curiosity' by Courtney Lears. "Do people actually pay for this stuff?" Stan asked him.
"Yeah! Women love perfume. And men love women, so they buy them perfume. Get it?"
The boys were in shock. This actually didn't sound like a bad idea. None of the perfumes in the magazine were any good to them, so why not make their own? However, there was still a problem.
"How do you make perfume?" Kyle asked
"I don't know, I was hopin' you guys knew. Or maybe Stan's sister knows." But Stan refused to ask his sister. She was upstairs listening to a Courtney Lears CD right now and a pack of wild buffalo wouldn't make him interrupt her to ask. "Well, what about your mom?"
Well, his mom wasn't as scary as his sister, so Stan agreed. They found her busy chopping vegetables. "Mom?"
"Yes, Stanley?"
"How do you make perfume?"
"I don't know, Stanley. Why do you ask?"
"Because all the celebrities and doing it, and we wanna make money."
"If all the celebrities were diving off a bridge for money, would you do it?"
Kenny didn't hesitate that one. "Hell yeah. Are they attached to bungee cords?"
"Look, if you want to make a homemade perfume, I won't stop you. Just make sure you clean up your mess." With that, she went back to chopping veggies. Oh, those poor veggies.
Kyle suggested they go to his house and look it up on the internet, instead of agreeing to Kenny's idea which was sticking everything they thought smelled good into a blender and mixing it all together until it turned into a liquid form.
Of course, when they Googled it, instead of actually finding the answer, they found even more ads for perfumes, along with an even bigger variety of celebrities trying to make money off of the mediocre scents. So it was time to go back to plan A and shove stuff in a blender.
Cartman reminded them that it was mostly women who bought perfume, so along with what they thought smelled good, they should put things women liked in the perfume, as well. They knew they would have to make multiple bottles, so Kenny and Kyle took turns writing down the formula and suggesting ingredients, while Stan and Cartman took turns shoving stuff in the blender. When the 'recipe' called for flowers, they realized that the climate of their redneck, white-trash, ho-dunk mountain town would not allow them to put a lot of flowers in the perfume. Stan's fingers were numb before he finally found a few buds under the 2 feet of snow.
"Women like the smell of fruit." Cartman told them. "Got any fruit?"
"Dude, how do you even know this?" Kyle asked, going to look in the fruit bowl.
"Didn't you pay any attention, Jew? Half of the perfume samples in here smell like apples or something."
Kyle rolled him eyes before throwing in a banana that still had the peel on it. "Make sure you write that down, Kenny."
Kenny did so and looked over the ingredients. Socks, car air freshener, leather, scented candles, one week old sandwich, a sharpie, flowers, and a banana (complete with the peel). They all seemed pretty please with this, and finally put the lid on before blending it all together.
"How long till it's in liquid form?" Stan asked, peering inside.
"How should I know?" Cartman snatched the list from Kenny.
"What should we call it?" Kyle piped up.
"It has to be something bold." Cartman replied
"No, no." Kenny shook his head. "It has to be something that sounds really, really seductive or sexy. Like 'Heat'."
"I like 'Heat'." Stan agreed. "That sounds cool. Hey, what's seductive mean, anyway?"
Kenny began to explain the definition of the word seduction in the most graphic way possible, which would get this fic banned if his explanation were to be written here.
"It's done, it's done!" Cartman exclaimed, jumping with joy. "Woo-hoo, we'll be rich!"
Kyle turned off the blender, "Who's gonna sniff it first?"
Cartman, knowing full well which one of them was willing to do just about anything, volunteered Kenny. "Go ahead, Kenny, take a whiff and tell us whatcha think."
Kenny shrugged and prepared for the worst...