The Mary-Sue Makeover
Harry, Ron, Draco and all the rest of the boys with healthy libidos and lusty natures did not notice the new girl get on the train. It wasn't, in fact, until she asked the famous Harry Potter where to sit that she was noticed at all.
Looking puzzled, the Boy-Who-Lived answered, "Anywhere you can find a seat. Haven't you already been through the routine quite a few times?"
Feeling awkward she replied. "No, actually. I'm a new transfer student." This statement, while not spoken loudly, caused every student already in a compartment to stick his or head out into the hallway. Flustered by the intense scrutiny the girl was unable to smile boldly, she shrank into herself. Scuffing a shoe on the ground she refused to glance up and meet the emerald eyes of the dark haired boy in front of her.
Gratified to be the person who the question was directed at, and feeling a vain sense of superiority, Harry Potter condescendingly invited the new girl to join him and his friends in their compartment. "I'm Harry Potter, by the way. What's your name?"
"Mary," she replied.
"Mary…" Harry waited for more. "Your name is just Mary?" He sounded shocked.
"Mary-Sue Smith, to be totally honest." She bit her lip. The feeling that she had made a social gauche inundated her.
Harry raised one eyebrow querulously. "Mary-Sue Smith." He pondered a moment. Realizing the obvious error made he intruded further into her privacy. "What are your six middle names?"
"Excuse me?"
"Your six middle-names. You know, the long, hard to pronounce names that goe between Sue and Smith."
"I don't have any," Mary-Sue replied uncertainly.
"Oh…" Harry trailed off.
She was uncertain as to whether or not the invitation to join him and his friends still stood. A frizzy haired girl walked out of the compartment Mary-Sue believed was Harry's. "Well, come on in," she said impatiently. As Mary-Sue sank into the cushioned seat the girl leaned forward, frowning intensely. "Your eyes are brown." Mary-Sue didn't know whether to affirm the girl's claim or just stay silent; she chose silence. "I don't know if that's an intelligence indicator or not. I mean, I have brown eyes, but I could be an anomaly. Brilliant geniuses tend to have lavender eyes, or at least blue or green eyes. Yours look rather dull, bovine actually." She paused for breath. "I'm Hermione Granger by the way, this is Ron." She gestured towards a redheaded boy. "I heard you introduce yourself as Mary-Sue Smith. Have you made any recent breakthroughs that will be useful to the war effort?"
"No," Mary-Sue answered. Trying to be polite she inquired "Have you?"
"Well," said Hermione, affecting modesty, "yes." The questions lapsed momentarily as Hermione, Harry and Ron discussed the upcoming school year and possible restrictions due to the war.
A thought crossed Ron's mind, and his normally bland face expressed horror. "What about Quidditch? What if they stop Quidditch?"
"You'll survive, Ron," Hermione assured him, patting him on the back.
"We'll need a new beater," Harry mused. Ron turned a critical eye towards Mary-Sue.
"Would you like to be our new beater?" he inquired.
Hermione protested, "Ron, you haven't even seen her play!"
"She's foreign, all foreign lasses are absolutely fantastic at Quidditch. It's requirement or something."
"I'm afraid of the bludgers," Mary-Sue admitted hesitantly, "I don't play Quidditch."
"Oh…" Ron was speechless. Mary-Sue had managed to destroy all his fantasies of exotic Quidditch playing girls. Not that she was exotic… maybe only the good-looking foreign girls were sporty.
Hermione retreated into her copy of The Daily Prophet. "Bert MacMillan passed away… I think he's Ernie's uncle. It's awful when family dies." The boys nodded gravely, Mary-Sue burst into tears. Harry was surprised, he didn't think he'd have anything in common with Mary-Sue.
Hermione was patting the girl's head. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.
Letting out huge, hiccupping sobs Mary-Sue told her story. "He was fine, and healthy one day and then," she stopped overcome with emotion.
"And then…" Hermione urged.
"He was, was, he was DEAD! I'll never see him again. Ever! He was my best friend, my confidante, my goldfish!" Ron struggled to stifle a snort of amusement. He raised an orange eyebrow at Harry.
Harry's mind began to race. She did not have special powers, a ridiculously long exotic sounding name, a tragic past, physical beauty, intelligence or anything that would link her directly to the Mary-Sues that Harry had heard about. Harry couldn't help but being suspicious. What better way to infiltrate Hogwarts than with a student? Harry had seen it done before. What if Mary-Sue wasn't a student, what if she was a Death Eater? Harry had seen polyjuice potion in use before. With sudden realization, Harry was able to see the intricacies of the Dark Lord's clever plan: send in an unremarkable student disguised as the remarkable Mary-Sue and stage a coup d'etat on the school. Harry was born to save the world; he needed to take action.
Without warning Harry raised his wand arm and aimed at the distraught girl. "Avada Kadavra." The sound of her sobbing stopped abruptly. Her no longer living body fell onto the floor of the compartment.
"HARRY!" Hermione shrieked. "That was a killing curse." He nodded.
"Why did you do that, mate?" Ron asked, not ready to take a Nevillian stand against his best friend.
"She was a Death Eater," he said promptly.
"Harry, you couldn't have known that," Hermione argued.
He explained his evidence. The other two realized the Dark Lord had nearly duped them. If only he had been cleverer than Harry Potter and given the Death Eater, his or her identity was still unknown, a few proper Mary-Sue qualities. Actually calling her Mary-Sue had been her own death warrant.
Dumbledore always wondered why the transfer student hadn't shown up at school; he never bothered to look in the lake that the Hogwarts Express went over, where the body had been unceremoniously dumped.