Oh where are our dear fathers
Oh where are our dear fathers
They are down in the valley a praying
Day is a breaking
In my soul
"Father?"
"Yes Casper?"
"How can people live in the sky? There's nothing but clouds."
" Those aren't clouds Cass my lad. Those are castles"
Casper gazed up at the pale yellow ceiling of his room, his crystal blue eyes glazed over and red tinted from the endless restless nights and burning tears only just now beginning to recede. Blonde curls blended in with the starched white linen of the pillow his head rested on and as Casper's eyes shifted to the window, no moisture could be found building within them anymore. There would be no more tears. Not anymore. He didn't want to admit what was going to happen; what he felt in his soul was going to happen. It was horrifying, and after all, twelve is still such a young age to face the endless eternity of death.
" But what of the experts? You told me they would help. You assured me that they would have an answer!"
"I understand your frustration Mr. McFadden but please understand that this disease is difficult to counter, especially well established in one so young. We have done all we can."
"Please... please are you certain there is nothing more-"
"I will do what I can to ease his pain. I am truly sorry Charles. Adam keeps asking about him after he gets home from school and I hardly know what to say. I will be back tomorrow."
"… Why not bring Adam? Casper has been lonely all by himself."
" I'm sure Adam would jump at the chance. Thank you Charles."
He felt the warm breeze of the late summer day glide over his cheeks (once flushed but now quite pale) and sighed quietly.
"Let it out son, that's it"
"I…I can't…."
"Don't try to talk now my boy. MARIA bring me those towels!"
"It hurts…."
"I know try for deep breaths and the coughing will stop. Cough it up now. That's right. No don't look at it, you'll be fine .Now lie down and breathe deeply. Good lad."
Casper tried to move and found that he couldn't move. He was simply too weak now. Where were his uncles? They had promised to visit him today and now that he had realized today was his last he was in desperate need of their humor. They could make him laugh, even now, and he would much rather go laughing at a joke than fretting by himself. The one-day they left to run an errand was the day he needed them most.
" Get off me ya' fatso cant you see the boy is in need of some real entertainment?"
" Oh and the boy isn't entertained by seeing a loudmouth like you in a headlock? You should get your head checked."
"Lard-arse"
" Watch your language stink –breath"
"Both of you better cut it out or I'll clout both of you something fierce!"
"But he started it!"
"Did not!"
"Thanks… ha ha ha… guys but I can't… ha ha ha… take much more!"
" Hey look guys, Casper thinks out plight is a laughing matter!"
"Oh it's hilarious."
" There's that snark we used to know, I can't imagine how you've survived so long with out pranking someone"
" I've been scheming Uncle, you can't have expected me to think of nothing with all this free time"
" We'd better find cover when you're well and back on your feet."
"… Do you think I really will get better guys? Sometimes I get really scared..."
"Course you will Casper, and we'll be right with you until you do."
" Promise?"
"We promise squirt."
Casper thought maybe he should feel panicked but he just couldn't and that wasn't just due to exhaustion. It was strange because, despite all he was aware of, he had never felt more relaxed than he did now, gazing at the quivering silver leaves of the oak tree outside his window. He really wanted to climb it and play pirate with his father again, especially since his father had promised to get him a parrot for his next birthday.
" I'm gonna get ye matey"
" Not if I, Captain Youngblood have anything to say about it!"
"Prepare to be boarded! Your booty is as good as mine ye snivillin' brat!"
"Just you try you scurvy dog!"
Maybe he could sail to the island of Pompeii and see the volcano explode. He had learned about volcanoes in school (when he wasn't pulling pranks on the teacher) and thought them the most amazing of all natures wonders. He would sail through the fire as his fathers ship tried to board his. They would play until the cook Hattie called for supper and his father would read him a story (hopefully Treasure Island) and he would fall asleep to the gravelly sound his fathers throat made when he read. His father the inventor, who would always find time to play pirates with him.
"Just a little longer father please!"
"Now my lad, you need rest if you're planning on getting to school on time tomorrow."
"They won't miss me if I'm a little late and I'll be careful! Just a few more minutes!"
" It's getting awfully cold Cass it's time to come in."
"…Fine."
Casper new he should have listened, but sledding had been so much fun and he had wanted to go just a few more time that sneaking out after dinner hadn't seemed to be an issue. However, his body now felt as if it had been battered by the fiercest hurricane in all history and then chubby Billy Sclutz from down the road had decided to sit on his head for a few hours. He had been stupid, snow and cold, and dark didn't mix and he knew that. Now not only was he paying the price, but also he was making the rest of his family suffer and the guilt was crushing him more than his sickness was. Casper wasn't oblivious (most of the time), and he knew that even though the doctor wouldn't say so, that he was going to die, the only new part was his intuition that today was the day He had been terrified at first because he hadn't gotten to sail anywhere yet or even see a real volcano yet and he was scared of death. Who wasn't? What if he didn't get into heaven? His mother was in heaven, that he was sure of, but she didn't steal cookies when Hattie wasn't looking or play nasty tricks on her teacher or say the swear word Billy had dared him to after school. Then there was the worst thought of all: what if there was no heaven? What if all that happened was that he was asleep forever? To be facing the reality of eternity was overwhelming and Casper felt himself falling into the inescapable abyss without his Uncles jibes or his fathers' smile. All of this was horrifying and yet… Casper supposed the thing that scared him the most, was what would happen to his father if he died. Father had barely gotten over Mothers' death, so what would he do now when he was all alone with Casper gone and the large house empty of all but memories?
"Mother?"
"Yes love?
"Did the priest really mean there's a Heaven or is it just a fairy story like the ones Molly reads to her sister?"
"Oh, it's the truest thing there is Casper. It's all waiting in the clouds."
"Wouldn't you fall through?"
"No love, Heaven is inside the clouds, all pearly white and it changes color with the sunset while the angels sing the sun to sleep."
"Aren't there people besides angels?"
"Everyone in heaven is a angel."
"I don't want you to go to heaven yet mom."
"I didn't think I would go so soon but God seems to want me now."
"Can't he wait his turn?"
"God always knows what he's doing Casper, He's got a plan for you. If this is part of His plan then that's that."
"But I'm going to miss you!"
"You will never have to miss me love, I'll always be watching you from Heaven and sending down my kisses in the rain."
"You can watch people from Heaven?"
"Especially the ones you love."
"Will you watch me and father?"
"Every day."
If he was watching his father with his mother in Heaven, then his father would have twice the rain kisses, maybe then he would be okay and still smile when he saw the old oak tree and not cry. Willy closed his eyes and smiled at the thought of living in cloud castles of changing color, really he guessed the priest might have had an idea of what he was talking about, but his mom explained the best. He should tell father mothers story about Heaven, it might make him feel better but he was so tired and his ship was already sailing far off and away into the sunlight.
An anguished cry wrenched Casper away from his tranquility, and watched above himself as his father clutched his now unmoving body and rocked it as his Uncles watched with disbelieving eyes and hopeless expressions. 'It's all my fault', was all Casper could think, 'It's my fault they're sad. I was selfish.' He couldn't go away and be happy, not when everyone else was so miserable, he couldn't be selfish again. Casper forced himself to turn away from the light that was so tempting to him, he wasn't ready yet, he had to stay, so his dad wouldn't be lonely. ' When I see you mom, I'll have father with me.'