CHAPTER SIXTEEN: LULLABIES

Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.

I wanted to go away with you,
And I will leave all my troubles here.
I wanted to run away with you,
And I will bring all my dreams and fears.

Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine...
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine

Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
You were my first love.

Funerals were awful. That's one thing Felicity realized. She watched as the empty caskets were lowered down into the graves. Father and son, side by side, but not really. As understandable as it was for her to cry, she was truly amazed at the tear that slipped down her cheek. She honestly thought she had ran out with all the crying she had been doing over the past week. She felt numb, hollow even as she turned around in her coral heels and started walking back towards the house, walking past Thea and Moira, the twelve-year old girl sobbing against her mother's shoulder, clutching a stuffed animal, that Felicity recognized as the plush cat she had given her when she was born, to her chest. Moira looked scarily the same as the face she had seen in the mirror earlier that chilly March morning, red-rimmed eyes, hollowed out cheeks and a pale, greyish undertone to her skin.

Sara's funeral hadn't been any better. It was more intimate than this one, and not on private property but rather at the Starling City Cemetery. Laurel gave a beautiful but heartbreaking eulogy. Everybody cried, including Quentin, who she never, ever had seen shedding a tear before. Anne wasn't there. Felicity supposed it was because it hurt too much, but she hadn't been able to contact her all week so when she hadn't shown up, Felicity had started to worry.

This funeral was different. Felicity didn't know half of the people in attendance, a lot of whom were Oliver's supposed college friends, most of them of the female variety, crying their eyeballs out. The other lot of them mostly were Robert's colleagues and/or competitors. She doubted there weren't at least a few of them that were happy he was dead. This realization only fueled the anger that had built up during the service. It all seemed so unfair. She lost the man she loved. Who she had expected to spend so much more time with. Who she was finally happy with, only for that happiness to be ripped from her grip, so abruptly. She lost one of her best friends. The girl who told her it was okay to fail, as long as you tried. The girl who loosened the tightness in her shoulders, with pranks and things they weren't supposed to do, and oh how Felicity loved that. That feeling of freedom, and rebelliousness. It was Sara who showed her how to have fun, that it was important to let go once in a while.

But, she also lost the man who was more like a father to her than her actual father. The man who had taught her how to fly a kite and change a tire. The man who read her stories of faraway places and distant times. Who made sure she knew how important she was, and how important it was to always look for the good in people.

Her father, the biological one, sat next to her during the service. He didn't say anything to her, for which she was glad, because talking to her slacking father-figure only made the loss of the other hurt worse.

The first thing she did when she entered the mansion's living room was get herself a drink. She ordered a double scotch, making the bartender stare at her in confusion. She knew he was about to ask her if she was twenty-one, but the death glare she sent his way must have persuaded him to cut her some slack. She downed the brownish liquid in two big gulps, tears stinging behind her eyes because of the burn in her throat.

The room slowly started filling up with people, Moira and Thea included. They stood near the window, accepting condolences. Thea wouldn't let go of her mother, understandably. Moira had been holed up in her bedroom, barely responsive, not eating and Thea needed her now more than ever. So what would a twelve year old do? Of course, latch on and never let go.

Felicity looked down at the glass in her hands, shook her head a little and quickly ordered another before the tears stinging behind her eyes had the chance to spill across her cheeks. They fell anyway.

"Uhm, hi. You're Felicity, right?"

Felicity froze at the sound of her name. Slowly, she turned around, looking for the source of the voice. Before her stood a young man, must have been around Oliver's age with pitch black hair, piercing blue eyes and a soft boyish smile across his face. He looked strangely familiar, but she couldn't place him anywhere in her memory.

She sniffled and wiped at her cheeks. "Yes. And you are?"

His eyes went wide. "Oh, right! Sorry."

He held out his hand for her to take. "Tommy. Tommy Smoak."

She hesitated but accepted his hand, shaking it lightly.

"I just wanted to offer you my condolences. Oliver was a great guy."

Felicity swallowed and nodded, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Yeah. He was. Thank you."

The grip on her glass tightened as she pushed back another wave of tears. "Did you know him well?"

Tommy nodded and glanced around the room for a moment. His eyes landed on Laurel who was hugging Moira, her shoulders shaking as she cried. Tommy licked his lips and looked back at her.

"Maybe we could go somewhere private to talk?"

Felicity looked at him for a second and nodded. "Yeah, sure. Follow me."

They ended up in Robert's old study. Well, it still was his study, but since he wasn't with them anymore, should it be called his old study now? Nobody new was occupying it. And never would, Felicity was sure. She tried to push the whirlwind of thoughts running around in her head away, putting them into the 'for later' drawer. She sat down on the little couch pushed against the wall in the back of the study, Tommy sitting down next to her a moment later.

"Oliver and I met at Harvard. We studied business together. He was one of the best friends I had up there."

Tommy smiled softly and shook his head a little. "Always knew where the best parties were and things like that, but he was just a good, likeable, kind-hearted guy."

Felicity nodded in agreement. That was the Oliver she knew. She mentally corrected the way Tommy talked about him in past tense, because Oliver still was all of those things, even now.

"Sophomore year, my scholarship was dropped because of some cut backs. If it wasn't for Oliver, I would have dropped out because I simply didn't have that kind of money. You see, I'm from Vegas, originally. And no, it was not as fun as it sounds. It was just me and my mom up there, and we never really had any luxuries. I was going to change all that when I got into Harvard. But then they dropped my scholarship and it seemed like it was over. And then came Oliver, making sure that I would be able to finish my degree without any money problems. We became roommates at one point and even after he transferred to Central, he still paid the rent to that place so I could live there. He was like some monetary guardian angel."

Tommy chuckled and shook his head a little. "No, but really, besides the financial help that I'm still extremely grateful for, he was a good friend."

Felicity nodded in agreement.

"I wonder why he never told me about any of this." She mumbled.

Tommy shrugged. "That I don't know either. But I do know that he talked about you. All the time."

She stared at him for a second, biting her lower lip, trying to push back the tears welling up in her eyes. She closed her eyes as Tommy put a hand on her shoulder. She wasn't sure if she was ready to hear what she was expecting Tommy to say. She knew Oliver had loved her far longer than they had been together, and it made the loss of him feel so much worse. She was so angry at herself for not being selfish and pursuing something with him. She felt like she should have. She had been in love with him too. If she had just been honest about her feelings than maybe they would have gotten more time. But it was too late for that now, and as much as it hurt, there was no going back. There was nothing that she could do about it.

"Did you two ever get together?" He asked quietly.

She nodded, wiping at cheeks again. Stupid tears couldn't catch a break.

"Yeah. About a month ago."

Tommy scooted a little closer and squeezed her shoulder. "If it's any consolation, he really, really loved you. He may not have known it back then, but the way he talked about you, you just knew he was in love."

Felicity smiled softly, letting out a huff of air. "I know, and I loved him too, so much, but that doesn't really make it hurt less."

Pressing his lips together, he nodded and looked away for a second. "Sorry."

Felicity shook her head. "It's okay, really."

"I remember one time, you were coming to visit, and he spent two hours, maybe more, thinking of the perfect outfit, and what party to take you to. It was ridiculous."

Felicity laughed a little, through her tears. "That must be why you look so familiar."

Tommy nodded and smiled. "Probably, yes. I imagine we must have crossed paths in at least one party."

She smiled back at him before looking away, pressing her lips together, and then smiling again.

"You know, I met him when I was five. He was eight. That day is one of the only memories I have from that age. My mother had just passed away and for the first time since then I was smiling again."

She couldn't help the smile that appeared on her lips. "Oliver does that to you."

Felicity shook her head a little and a strangled laugh escaped from her throat.

"Oh god. He was such an idiot sometimes."

Tommy chuckled and nodded in agreement. She smiled and looked back at him.

"This one time when I was ten. He couldn't have been older than thirteen. We were helping Raisa, the Queens maid, bake brownies or cupcakes, I don't remember what they were, but we kept sneaking batter from the bowl into our mouths. At one point, she caught us, because of course she caught us. We weren't exactly being quiet with our laughter. She asked us what we were doing, with that thick Russian accent she asked us if we were eating the batter. That only made me laugh harder, but Oliver somehow remained completely serious, denying that we had eaten any of it with everything that he had."

She shook her head and chuckled. "Of course, he didn't know he had this giant chocolaty streak across his cheek. We ate so much of that batter that we both ended up sick the next day."

Felicity let out a breathy laugh, shaking her head a little. Tommy smiled softly at her.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. You wouldn't want to hear it"

Tommy started shaking his head before she could finish her sentence.

"No, no. Talking about it is good. I'd love to hear your stories."

Felicity looked back at him, smiling. "Thank you. I don't really have someone to talk to."

"I mean, Oliver is gone. Sara, Laurel's sister and one of my best friends is gone with him. My other best friend is stuck at med-school in Stanford. There's no way I'm gonna talk to my dad. Thea is too heartbroken. So is Moira. Sara's girlfriend, who her family doesn't even know about, was also a good friend to me, but after Sara's funeral she seems to have vaporized into thin air. That basically leaves my elderly ex-driver, Frederick."

Tommy stifled a laugh. "I'm sorry. But that is just a ton of suck."

She nodded and chuckled softly. "Well aware."

Two short knocks interrupted their laughter. Felicity whipped her head around to see Laurel stepping inside the study. Her eyes were red-rimmed like her own, dark hair pulled into a bun. She looked hesitant but smiled softly as she met Tommy's gaze.

"Uhm, hey. Sorry to interrupt. They said you two were in here."

"That's okay." Tommy said, smiling at her.

"I was just wondering if you guys wanted to get out of here. I need to go somewhere where people won't judge me if I drink myself stupid."

Both Tommy and Felicity nodded.

"That'd be nice." Felicity said. "We'll be out in a minute."

Laurel smiled half-heartedly. "Great. I'll go get our coats."

She turned away, closing the door behind her. Felicity turned to Tommy, a small grin on her face.

"What is it?" Tommy asked. Felicity only grinned wider.

"So? You and Laurel? What's the deal there?"

Tommy shrugged and let out a breathy laugh. "There's no deal. Not really."

Felicity raided an eyebrow at him. "Oh please. Have you seen the look on your face whenever she is in the room? It looks like a sad little puppy."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. Felicity crossed her arms over her chest and smiled. Sighing, Tommy shook his head and gave in.

"Fine. I've known her for a while now, and I really like her, but now seems hardly like the right time to pursue anything, you know."

Felicity nodded. "I get it. Don't wait too long, though. She deserves something good."

After getting their coats and driving down the Mansion's driveway, their quest to find a bar had started. Felicity had snatched a bottle of vodka from the open bar, uncapping it as soon as they were seated on the backseat of the town car, taking a long swig, scrunching up her face at the burn in her throat. It was still pretty early to go out, so there weren't that many options, even in the wide array of nightclubs Starling City homed. Tommy suggested to go get comfort food first, stuffing away their feelings with burgers and fries. Felicity's growling stomach agreed before she could say the word, making her laugh. The alcohol was getting to her already. Drinking on an empty stomach wasn't smart, everybody knew that. Maybe she should have had breakfast, or lunch for that matter. Eating just didn't feel like a priority, and even when she did emerge from her bedroom to get some sustenance, she could barely keep it down without getting nauseous. So, it was a good thing that she was actually craving some food.

They ended up in a fairly empty burger joint downtown. It looked a little retro, with a bright red, white and yellow logo and little booths and a chrome countertop. There were only a few people inside, but Laurel promised they had the best burgers in town. A nice waitress took their orders after they settled into one of the booths near the window, looking out of the dark streets of Starling, the occasional street lamp offering its light.

Felicity took this time to look around the diner. There were a few other teens, getting noisy in the back corner, a little boy, probably not much older than four, coloring a few tables over, a couple with two kids and an elderly man drinking coffee at the counter. From where Felicity was sitting, she could keep an eye on the entrance, and she couldn't help but glance over to the door when the bell hanging over it rang. A man in uniform stepped inside. The waitress looked up and smiled like the whole universe just fell into place. She dropped the menu's she was holding on the counter and hurried towards the man. He dropped his duffel bag on the floor and enveloped her in a hug Felicity would describe as a big bear hug. The pair didn't kiss so Felicity assumed they were brother and sister rather than a couple. She knew she probably should look away and not invade on the private moment, but she couldn't make herself do it. Especially not when the little boy jumped off his chair and ran towards the soldier, wrapping his arms around his legs. The soldier ran a hand through the boy's curls, making him giggle. The waitress smiled at the two of them, touched the man's cheek and hugged him again. The soldier lifted the boy into his arms and hugged him close, walking back to the table the boy had been occupying and sitting down next to him. The waitress said something to them and then went to get something, probably her Big Belly Buster with Sweet Chili fries and she kind of hated herself for ruining their reunion because she wanted food.

"Felicity?" Tommy asked. She didn't respond at first, not really noticing that he had called out her name.

"Felicity? Are you okay?" He asked again, shaking her shoulder.

Her head snapped back to the table in front of her, gaze moving from Laurel to Tommy, who both looked at her in confusion.

"Uh. Yeah. Sorry, I zoned out for a sec." She said, smiling at both of them before glancing back at the soldier and the little boy. She didn't expect him to look up and catch her gaze. She jumped a little and blushed, but he just smiled at her and nodded at her. She smiled a little brighter and mock-saluted him, mouthing a thank you. He chuckled and turned back to the boy, wrapping his arms, which were the size of bowling balls by the way, around his shoulders and taking a pencil to color with him.

Felicity smiled and turned back to the table, just in time for their food to arrive. Tommy eyed her, but she just shrugged and dug into her burger after she thanked the waitress. It was nice to see something happy after the week she'd had.

Oliver woke up to the sounds of seagulls screeching. His eyes went wide and he pushed himself off of the bottom of the life raft, leaning over the edge to see what was probably the second most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his entire life. Land. The high peaks of the small island loomed over him as the life raft drifted toward its rocky beach.

Once he got close enough to the shore, he stumbled out of the life raft, into the ankle-deep water, pulling the damn inflatable thing as far up the beach as he could. It wasn't that far, but enough to keep it from drifting away again. Oliver fell to his knees on the rocky beach. He'd made it. He'd actually made it to land alive. He could cry if he wasn't so damn over his shoulder at the life raft, his face fell. His father's body was lying cold and limp across the flooring, wrapped in whatever he had to cover him.

Oliver half fell, half sat down, burying his hands in his hair, elbows leaning on his knees. He hadn't made it. Not nearly. He still had to survive off of what little food he had left and get the hell of this island. There was nobody here to help him, and he had no survival skills whatsoever. In a burst of anger and despair he picked up a rock and aimlessly threw it at the ocean. Oliver screamed until his lungs gave out.

He had watched as his father put a bullet in the captain's head and then his own. Sara had drowned before they even knew what was happening, the Gambit was gone and he was stuck on a godforsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere, with no sign of life anywhere near and no way of communication and he just wanted to go home.

The thought of home overwhelmed him with a wave of sadness and longing. His mother's warm smile, Thea's laughter. The smell of Raisa's cookies. His father's cars in the garage. His warm, soft bed. But mostly the girl in it next to him. Oliver laid back against the hard rocks of the beach and imagined her being by his side, like she had always been.

This wasn't just any girl. This was the girl. The girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The girl who didn't make him shiver at the thought of commitment. The girl that loved him for more than his money or his good looks, with her dyed blonde locks lighting up in the sunlight. Her smiling bright pink lips and her soft curves. He jerked upwards. He would fight. Find a way to survive. Find a way to get off of the damned island and go home. For her.