Author's Note: Hey, I posted this yesterday but some of it got cut off.. Genius. As it should be evident, due to his frequent cameo appearances, I love Kakashi Hatake. I can relate to him so much more than people know or could ever comprehend. He is my idol and the main influence on how I live my life. I love him so much and was so HAPPY when he became Hokage. I will sourly miss him, now that Naruto is over. It only seemed right for him to be the focus of this tale.
Disclaimer: the brilliant Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto, not me.
Mirrors. Supposedly they reflect the true nature of whatever stands before it.
Lies.
It shows only one aspect of whatever stands in front of it: face value. If a flower were put before a mirror; an identical bloom would be reflected. But what is not shown are the odds faced by the bloom just so it could grow; nor does the mirror show the dispersed seeds from its stamen - the children from the parent. Moreover, the joy accompanying the exchange of the flower between lovers is also left unrecognised. A widow's tears invisible on the petals.
Mirrors can be deceived. A villain stands before a mirror - he appears simply as a man; his deeds rendered non-existent. A child is shown as a youth full of opportunity and promise - you cannot see that they starve; that their parents lie in their eternal slumber beneath simple foliage.
Mirrors cannot see the truth. An outstretched right hand appears on the left. A nearby object is far away. A smile conceals the sorrow within.
Mirrors are never lonely. Most things become duplicated: two eyes become four; ten fingers become twenty; one tear becomes hundreds.
When Kakashi looks in the mirror, he sees nothing. The reflection presented to him is empty, null, void. Even the face glaring back at him is empty and fake - nothing but a body and material; an eye and a mask.
No emotion; no resemblance to a person at all.
He is unnecessary.
He is unimportant.
He is expendable.
Mirrors hold no meaning for Kakashi; they are a reflective surface - a building material. But even though they mean nothing - see nothing - whenever he approaches one, he feels his chest constrict; his eye burn; his blood boil.
He has the nagging urge to punch mirrors.
He wants to break its surface - see the fragments fall like tears shed each night under cover of darkness.
To watch his blood trickle down his burst knuckles onto the shards; staining them - just as his worthless existence mars the world.
To wait and watch the glass be worn down and worn away by the wind - just as time has worn him away.
To see the vacant space left behind - just as he will be eradicated. Unknown. Forgotten.
He is worthless.
He is pointless.
He is lonely.
He wishes he were important. He wishes he were necessary. He wishes he amounted something to someone. But nay - he does not.
Many claim that he is valuable.
Many claim that he is needed.
Many claim that he is fortunate.
Those people can be partitioned into three groups:
1) Those who have only heard of his reputation.
2) Those who feel obliged to say such things via guilt.
3) Those who are emotionally confused.
The first group knew him by his clan; his father – the mighty White Fang. These people held high expectations for him. Expectations he cannot live up to.
The second group are those who have heard of his team. Of the deaths of his comrades and Sensei; of his dispersed students. They pity him and his tormenting knack for survival.
He felt a familiar chakra draw near: Gai.
Gai fell into the third category. He thought that he was Kakashi's friend and in a manner of speaking he was but that did nothing to halt the ever present emptiness from consuming Kakashi.
If anything; Gai made it worse: he was the prime example of what could be.
What could be but wasn't - Kakashi was not Gai; as much as he sometimes wished he were.
He was jealous of Gai - his unending enthusiasm; his blossoming confidence; his ability to be who he was. Gai didn't hide. He wasn't scared. He wasn't Kakashi.
"Kakashi, are you alright, rival?"
Kakashi had to choke down his chuckles; or were they sobs? He didn't deserve to be anyone's 'rival' - least of all Gai's. A 'rival' was someone admirable, someone to aspire to be like. No one should aspire to be like Kakashi: he was scum. The only thing Kakashi rivalled was vermin.
"I'm okay, Gai."
Couldn't he see Kakashi was dying inside? Couldn't he see the hurt in his eyes? Couldn't he see Kakashi bite his lip to stop it from trembling? Of course he couldn't. Kakashi was by now an expert at appearing stoic and uncaring. He was so good that no one could even sense anything was wrong…
"No you're not."
…no one but Gai that is. He always had a talent for reading Kakashi like an open book. This was useful on missions but in everyday life it was hell. Kakashi wished he could wallow in his self-hatred but Gai always insisted on asking stupid questions or challenging him to a stupid contest. Kakashi couldn't thank Gai enough. Without him, Kakashi would have kicked the bucket years ago.
"Just leave it Gai."
He didn't want Gai to leave it. He wanted Gai to hold him; he wanted Gai to tell him it was okay; he wanted Gai to just be there. Kakashi wanted to be selfish. He knew he was scum and didn't deserve to even know someone such as Gai. But he needed Gai.
"I will not 'just leave it', Kakashi. I will not 'just leave' anything that concerns you."
Kakashi didn't know how much more he could handle. Gai was getting angry which was indisputable proof that Kakashi was scum. He hurt those who even went through the effort to delude themselves into thinking that they cared about Kakashi.
"It's nothing."
It wasn't 'nothing'. It was far from 'nothing'. Kakashi hated his own existence; the guilt burned his mind; blood scarred his hands. He had encountered so much death; so much destruction. And yet the only destruction he wanted never happened: why couldn't he just die?
"Don't think for a moment that I buy that. It is never 'nothing', Kakashi. Even if it were, I would still want to hear about it. Talk to me Kakashi, please."
He couldn't. Gai should know it's not that easy. You can't just talk to someone. People see things differently. People judge others. People don't care. Gai didn't mean what he said; no one ever did. So many promises are made yet so many are left unfulfilled. Kakashi never made promises.
"No Gai. I'm sorry but I just can't."
He was sorry for more than was implied. He was sorry he always insulted Gai. He was sorry he ever deterred the other from being the way he was. He was sorry his life had been tainted red by Kakashi's presence. Kakashi did the one thing he was good at: he ran. He turned away and sprinted in the hopes of escaping the inevitable breakdown he felt brewing. Gai didn't follow him. Gai never followed him; not when they spoke like they had.
He made it to his apartment, tears pouring down his face as they had so many times before. His mask was wet and clingy but he made himself suffer it – he deserved so much worse than a chafing mask. He curled up in the corner of his apartment, knees pulled up to his chest. He sat there and cried – like the pathetic wimp he was. Why was he so terrible? Why was he so ugly? Why was he alive?
He had tried to repent for his existence in so many ways: drawing his own blood, starving himself, depriving himself of sleep. Nothing was enough to satiate the gnawing remorse. As the tears kept falling he decided he had scarred the world long enough: he would do it. He would follow in the repugnant steps his father had felt compelled to take. He would end his life.
He gathered the things he would need. He tied the noose. He hung it from the stationary ceiling fan. He would leave no note; he had nothing to say. He wouldn't burden anyone with any last words. He wouldn't force people to mourn him. Not that they would anyway.
His insides twanged and his conscience screamed at him to reconsider. No, he was done being selfish. He was done burdening the world. He stepped up to the metaphorical gallows. Obito's Sharingan hummed edging him over the edge; it longed to be returned to its true owner – to be rid of the rodent it had been force into.
Unsurprisingly, Kakashi wimped out - in a moment of cowardice he decided to test his existence. If anyone contacted him in anyway in the next five minutes, he would continue living. If not then he had been right; painfully right. So the wait began….
Ok, so I am working on the endings to this - yes there will be TWO. There will undeniably be more Naruto Fan Fics on the way. Bye.