Title: Manuals
Authors: Nadja Lee and Sorcieré
Disclaimer: Do we *look* like we own them??
Rating: PG-13
Category: Sillyfic
Warning: One itty-bitty character death - nothing permanent, though.
Pairings: R/L, S/O, (S/J)
Summary: The fight on the Statue of Liberty...with a little twist.
A/N: It's an in-joke.
* * *
The metal bowed eagerly to Magneto's will and twisted around Logan, keeping his claws firmly locked in place. Logan gathered all this strength and furiously tried to get free, but to no avail. He, like the rest of the X-Men, was helpless.
A scream, a desperate plea, reached his ears and Logan felt the voice tear through his heart - Marie was scared and alone, and he was powerless to help her.
He glared at Magneto.
"Yer so full of shit. If you were really so righteous, it'd be you in that thing," he sneered.
Magneto opened his mouth to say something, then suddenly frowned.
"Really?"
He pulled out a pamphlet and flipped through it, hhhmmmm-ing along the way. Logan crossed his fingers.
Finally the villain looked up.
"I'm afraid you're wrong, Wolverine. According to the Super-Villain's Manual, a super-villain cannot power his own diabolic device."
"Damn," Logan muttered.
Scott shrugged - or would have if it hadn't been for the metal.
"It was worth a try," he said.
"Where was I?" Magneto wondered out loud, the Manual still in his hands. "Let me see," he read some lines from the book. "I've captured the young heroine, I'm about to destroy the world and... oh, yes. The Young Heroine is in Mortal Danger."
"Hey, that gives 2 extra points," Sabretooth said excitedly as he read from the book over Magneto's shoulder.
"So it does," Magneto said happily. "But I am missing something...hmmm..."
"You're supposed to kill us," Jean said irritated.
"Shut the fuck up!" Logan, Ororo and Scott all yelled angrily to her.
"What?" she asked innocently, not getting it.
"Oh, yes. That's right," Magneto agreed and put the book away. "Sabretooth, kill them. I will go watch the heroine die and laugh the evil laugher which page seven says I have to do," Magneto said as he flew up to the metal torch.
"Why do I have to laugh anyway? I have a sensitive throat and I want to be able to sing in church tomorrow," the X-men heard Magneto mumble as he flew towards Rogue.
"Finally, I can get my revenge," Sabretooth growled.
"Scott?" Logan asked as Sabretooth raised his clawed hand to strike Logan down.
"Oh yes, of course. One moment," Scott said. " Jean, can you...?"
"Of course."
With her telekinesis Jean lifted the Hero's Manual from Scott's pocket and let it fly in front of her face.
"What does it say?" Scott asked, his eyes shut tightly so not to blast her away - which a hero of course couldn't do. The Manual said so on page two.
"Let me see," she turned some pages. "Oh, yeah. Logan is to almost kill himself to save Rogue, the world and...."
"Us?" Ororo added.
"That too," Jean said.
"Why do I have to do it?" Logan complained.
"Because you're the Hero," Scott explained.
"So are you," Logan argued.
"Are you finished yet?" Sabretooth asked impatiently, his raised hand stopped in midair during the discussion.
"NO," both Logan and Scott yelled at the same time.
"Look, Logan, you're the Main Hero so you have to do all the sacrificing. It's in the Manual," Scott tried to explain again.
"Oh, well," Logan gave in. If it was in the Manual...
"Get on with it, will you?" Jean said impatiently and with her telekinesis made the metal around her hand come loose so she could get it free and put some wayward hair back behind her ear before she let the metal hold her again.
"Hey, why don't you just free us?" Ororo asked as she saw what Jean had just done.
"Because it's not in the Manual - duh!" Jean retorted.
"Are you done soon?" Sabretooth asked again, his tone very impatient now.
"NO," Scott and Logan yelled again.
"I never get to have any fun," Sabretooth complained.
"Look, Jean, if you can free us, then free us. Now!" Scott demanded.
"No! It's not in the Manual," she protested.
"Just do it, bitch!" Ororo, Logan and Scott yelled at once. Jean looked shocked.
"Hey, you can't call me that! I'm a heroine for crying out loud! A doctor...a modern woman," Jean protested.
"It's in the Manual, babe. One of the female heroines is always a bitch and since it's obviously not Marie..." Logan began.
"Nor Ororo," Scott added.
"Then it has to be you," Logan ended.
"Just free us, damn it!" Scott demanded.
"Okay, okay," Jean gave in and all the X-men were free. "And I thought he and I was supposed to be star crossed lovers," she mumbled.
"Get with the program. They are the star crossed lovers here," Scott said and indicated Logan who were fighting Sabretooth and Marie who was still screaming her lungs out while Magneto tried to drown her out with his evil laugher. Magneto suddenly noticed the free heroes and flew down to them, laughing evilly all the way.
"That should be enough laughing for now," Magneto mumbled under his breath, as he finally could be quiet. His poor voice. Hopefully he could still sing tomorrow; they were going to sing his favourite song "Mary had a little lamb" though what it had to do with church he had no idea.
"We will get you, Magneto," Scott said as he turned the page in the Super-Hero's Manual to see what he had to say next. "We...we...hold on for a moment...here it is! We fight for Truth, Justice and the American way!" Scott declared, a bit melodramatic.
"What?!" Logan asked. "That doesn't sound like us. I'm Canadian, damnit!"
"Let me see," Ororo said as she leaned over Scott's shoulder to look at the Super-Hero's Manual.
"It is the wrong page. See? 'Superman's intro'," she said and turned a page. "'Batman's intro'. Hey, that is actually a good one. Hmmm...'Thor's intro', 'Spiderman's intros'...wow! There are a lot of them!...'Daredevil's intro'. Here it is - 'The X-Men's intro'," Ororo said and showed Scott the page.
"What? We don't have a cool, frightening and very heroic intro line?" Scott asked disbelieving as he read the page.
"Apparently not," Ororo replied.
"Oh, well," Scott shrugged and turned his attention back to the villain.
"Are you supposed to be free?" Magneto asked and consoled his Manual. "Oh, you are."
"I'm also supposed to do this as a true hero," Scott said and shot his eye beams at Sabretooth, who tripped over a small stone, slipped in a banana peal and fell into the water hundreds of feet below.
"Is he...?" Ororo asked worried.
"Of course not. We're the good guys; we don't kill in cold blood. Besides; villains never die," Scott explained and pointed in the Manual.
"That is a comforting thought when I do this," Magneto said evilly as he used his powers on Jean and killed her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Scott yelled and fell to his knees besides her body. "Jean, Jean! Don't leave me! JEAN!" he cried hysterically.
"Can he do that?" Logan asked. Ororo picked up the Super-Hero's Manual.
"Actually...yes. Paragraph twelve, section three - the bitch always dies," Ororo read from the Manual.
"Really?" Scott asked and stood up, having done his duty as 'Heart-Broken Fiancée'. "What else does it say?"
"That the bad guy always loses."
"Is that so?" Logan asked with an evil gleam in his eyes as he popped his claws.
"Now, now, don't take it that way. I was just doing my job," Magneto protested and backed away.
"You hurt my Marie," Logan growled. That was unforgivable.
Magneto took one look at Logan, then at the Super-Villain's Manual.
"I think now would be an appropriate time for my Cunning Escape," he decided and used his powers to fly away from the Statue.
"Hey!" Logan yelled. "That's not fair! I'm supposed to kill you, damnit!"
Magneto, by now hovering some fifty feet from the Statue, sighed.
"You're a Hero, Wolverine. You can't kill people in cold blood."
"Actually," Scott corrected, "he's a Reluctant Hero. *They* are allowed to kill people, you know."
"Oh, bloody Hell," Magneto mumbled and flew away.
Logan glared at him.
"Coward."
He turned to Scott.
"Can we get to the 'Save the Damsel in Distress'-part now?"
Scott shrugged.
"Sure. Storm, can you fly him up to the torch with your wind-bursts?"
Storm looked at bit dubious.
"I am not sure. My control is not very good, you know."
Scott shrugged again.
"That's okay. Logan's a Hero and he'd supposed to rescue Rogue. No matter how bad your control is, he *will* get safely to the torch."
"Oh," Storm said. "Okay. Hang on, Logan."
"Wh---? Whoa!" Logan yelped as a not-so-steady burst of wind lifted him. "You sure you can control this thing?!"
"Well...kind of," Storm muttered. She frowned and the wind-burst tossed Logan on the torch.
"Ouch," Logan muttered and got to his feet. "And they do this for a living? They're crazy!"
He looked around, then headed for the door.
* * *
"What took you so long?" Rogue demanded as Logan finally reached her. "I've almost screamed myself hoarse! You should have been here hours ago!"
"Sorry, darlin'," Logan apologised, "but bucket-head killed Jean, so it took a bit longer than expected."
Rogue blinked.
"He can do that?" she asked.
"According to the Manual, yeah."
Rogue shrugged.
"Fine by me," she said as Logan cut her loose. They looked at each other.
"Now what?" Rogue asked. Logan opened the Manual.
"Ehhhh..."
"Try under 'Reluctant Hero Saves Damsel in Distress'," she suggested.
Logan flipped through the pages.
"'Reluctant Hero Finds Damsel in Distress'...'Reluctant Hero Protects Damsel in Distress'...here we have it! 'Reluctant Hero Saves Damsel in Distress'," he read. "Okay, we did the 'Saving' part. We did the 'Cut Damsel Loose' part...oh, now we're supposed to screw like rabbits on parole."
They exchanged a look.
Rogue shrugged.
"No arguments from me," she said and grabbed a scarf that had conveniently found its way to the torch.
"A true Hero always follows the Manual," Logan agreed and kissed her.
* * *
A bit further down, their two remaining team-mates were having the same argument.
"Well, according to this, we won't be seeing Rogue and Logan for the next couple of hours," Scott said and flipped through the Manual.
"Then what are *we* supposed to do?" Storm demanded.
Scott kept reading, then suddenly lit up.
"Here's something. It says that the Supportive Characters - that would be us - will also find happiness in the arms of their beloved."
Storm looked at Jean.
"What about her?"
"Oh, she's a heroine. She'll be resurrected...eventually," Scott said and shrugged.
"Hopefully not anytime soon," Storm said and kissed Scott passionately.
They embraced, and the kiss deepened as the moon rose to bathe the two couples in its light...just like the Manual said it should.
* * *
The End
* * *
Authors: Nadja Lee and Sorcieré
Disclaimer: Do we *look* like we own them??
Rating: PG-13
Category: Sillyfic
Warning: One itty-bitty character death - nothing permanent, though.
Pairings: R/L, S/O, (S/J)
Summary: The fight on the Statue of Liberty...with a little twist.
A/N: It's an in-joke.
* * *
The metal bowed eagerly to Magneto's will and twisted around Logan, keeping his claws firmly locked in place. Logan gathered all this strength and furiously tried to get free, but to no avail. He, like the rest of the X-Men, was helpless.
A scream, a desperate plea, reached his ears and Logan felt the voice tear through his heart - Marie was scared and alone, and he was powerless to help her.
He glared at Magneto.
"Yer so full of shit. If you were really so righteous, it'd be you in that thing," he sneered.
Magneto opened his mouth to say something, then suddenly frowned.
"Really?"
He pulled out a pamphlet and flipped through it, hhhmmmm-ing along the way. Logan crossed his fingers.
Finally the villain looked up.
"I'm afraid you're wrong, Wolverine. According to the Super-Villain's Manual, a super-villain cannot power his own diabolic device."
"Damn," Logan muttered.
Scott shrugged - or would have if it hadn't been for the metal.
"It was worth a try," he said.
"Where was I?" Magneto wondered out loud, the Manual still in his hands. "Let me see," he read some lines from the book. "I've captured the young heroine, I'm about to destroy the world and... oh, yes. The Young Heroine is in Mortal Danger."
"Hey, that gives 2 extra points," Sabretooth said excitedly as he read from the book over Magneto's shoulder.
"So it does," Magneto said happily. "But I am missing something...hmmm..."
"You're supposed to kill us," Jean said irritated.
"Shut the fuck up!" Logan, Ororo and Scott all yelled angrily to her.
"What?" she asked innocently, not getting it.
"Oh, yes. That's right," Magneto agreed and put the book away. "Sabretooth, kill them. I will go watch the heroine die and laugh the evil laugher which page seven says I have to do," Magneto said as he flew up to the metal torch.
"Why do I have to laugh anyway? I have a sensitive throat and I want to be able to sing in church tomorrow," the X-men heard Magneto mumble as he flew towards Rogue.
"Finally, I can get my revenge," Sabretooth growled.
"Scott?" Logan asked as Sabretooth raised his clawed hand to strike Logan down.
"Oh yes, of course. One moment," Scott said. " Jean, can you...?"
"Of course."
With her telekinesis Jean lifted the Hero's Manual from Scott's pocket and let it fly in front of her face.
"What does it say?" Scott asked, his eyes shut tightly so not to blast her away - which a hero of course couldn't do. The Manual said so on page two.
"Let me see," she turned some pages. "Oh, yeah. Logan is to almost kill himself to save Rogue, the world and...."
"Us?" Ororo added.
"That too," Jean said.
"Why do I have to do it?" Logan complained.
"Because you're the Hero," Scott explained.
"So are you," Logan argued.
"Are you finished yet?" Sabretooth asked impatiently, his raised hand stopped in midair during the discussion.
"NO," both Logan and Scott yelled at the same time.
"Look, Logan, you're the Main Hero so you have to do all the sacrificing. It's in the Manual," Scott tried to explain again.
"Oh, well," Logan gave in. If it was in the Manual...
"Get on with it, will you?" Jean said impatiently and with her telekinesis made the metal around her hand come loose so she could get it free and put some wayward hair back behind her ear before she let the metal hold her again.
"Hey, why don't you just free us?" Ororo asked as she saw what Jean had just done.
"Because it's not in the Manual - duh!" Jean retorted.
"Are you done soon?" Sabretooth asked again, his tone very impatient now.
"NO," Scott and Logan yelled again.
"I never get to have any fun," Sabretooth complained.
"Look, Jean, if you can free us, then free us. Now!" Scott demanded.
"No! It's not in the Manual," she protested.
"Just do it, bitch!" Ororo, Logan and Scott yelled at once. Jean looked shocked.
"Hey, you can't call me that! I'm a heroine for crying out loud! A doctor...a modern woman," Jean protested.
"It's in the Manual, babe. One of the female heroines is always a bitch and since it's obviously not Marie..." Logan began.
"Nor Ororo," Scott added.
"Then it has to be you," Logan ended.
"Just free us, damn it!" Scott demanded.
"Okay, okay," Jean gave in and all the X-men were free. "And I thought he and I was supposed to be star crossed lovers," she mumbled.
"Get with the program. They are the star crossed lovers here," Scott said and indicated Logan who were fighting Sabretooth and Marie who was still screaming her lungs out while Magneto tried to drown her out with his evil laugher. Magneto suddenly noticed the free heroes and flew down to them, laughing evilly all the way.
"That should be enough laughing for now," Magneto mumbled under his breath, as he finally could be quiet. His poor voice. Hopefully he could still sing tomorrow; they were going to sing his favourite song "Mary had a little lamb" though what it had to do with church he had no idea.
"We will get you, Magneto," Scott said as he turned the page in the Super-Hero's Manual to see what he had to say next. "We...we...hold on for a moment...here it is! We fight for Truth, Justice and the American way!" Scott declared, a bit melodramatic.
"What?!" Logan asked. "That doesn't sound like us. I'm Canadian, damnit!"
"Let me see," Ororo said as she leaned over Scott's shoulder to look at the Super-Hero's Manual.
"It is the wrong page. See? 'Superman's intro'," she said and turned a page. "'Batman's intro'. Hey, that is actually a good one. Hmmm...'Thor's intro', 'Spiderman's intros'...wow! There are a lot of them!...'Daredevil's intro'. Here it is - 'The X-Men's intro'," Ororo said and showed Scott the page.
"What? We don't have a cool, frightening and very heroic intro line?" Scott asked disbelieving as he read the page.
"Apparently not," Ororo replied.
"Oh, well," Scott shrugged and turned his attention back to the villain.
"Are you supposed to be free?" Magneto asked and consoled his Manual. "Oh, you are."
"I'm also supposed to do this as a true hero," Scott said and shot his eye beams at Sabretooth, who tripped over a small stone, slipped in a banana peal and fell into the water hundreds of feet below.
"Is he...?" Ororo asked worried.
"Of course not. We're the good guys; we don't kill in cold blood. Besides; villains never die," Scott explained and pointed in the Manual.
"That is a comforting thought when I do this," Magneto said evilly as he used his powers on Jean and killed her.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Scott yelled and fell to his knees besides her body. "Jean, Jean! Don't leave me! JEAN!" he cried hysterically.
"Can he do that?" Logan asked. Ororo picked up the Super-Hero's Manual.
"Actually...yes. Paragraph twelve, section three - the bitch always dies," Ororo read from the Manual.
"Really?" Scott asked and stood up, having done his duty as 'Heart-Broken Fiancée'. "What else does it say?"
"That the bad guy always loses."
"Is that so?" Logan asked with an evil gleam in his eyes as he popped his claws.
"Now, now, don't take it that way. I was just doing my job," Magneto protested and backed away.
"You hurt my Marie," Logan growled. That was unforgivable.
Magneto took one look at Logan, then at the Super-Villain's Manual.
"I think now would be an appropriate time for my Cunning Escape," he decided and used his powers to fly away from the Statue.
"Hey!" Logan yelled. "That's not fair! I'm supposed to kill you, damnit!"
Magneto, by now hovering some fifty feet from the Statue, sighed.
"You're a Hero, Wolverine. You can't kill people in cold blood."
"Actually," Scott corrected, "he's a Reluctant Hero. *They* are allowed to kill people, you know."
"Oh, bloody Hell," Magneto mumbled and flew away.
Logan glared at him.
"Coward."
He turned to Scott.
"Can we get to the 'Save the Damsel in Distress'-part now?"
Scott shrugged.
"Sure. Storm, can you fly him up to the torch with your wind-bursts?"
Storm looked at bit dubious.
"I am not sure. My control is not very good, you know."
Scott shrugged again.
"That's okay. Logan's a Hero and he'd supposed to rescue Rogue. No matter how bad your control is, he *will* get safely to the torch."
"Oh," Storm said. "Okay. Hang on, Logan."
"Wh---? Whoa!" Logan yelped as a not-so-steady burst of wind lifted him. "You sure you can control this thing?!"
"Well...kind of," Storm muttered. She frowned and the wind-burst tossed Logan on the torch.
"Ouch," Logan muttered and got to his feet. "And they do this for a living? They're crazy!"
He looked around, then headed for the door.
* * *
"What took you so long?" Rogue demanded as Logan finally reached her. "I've almost screamed myself hoarse! You should have been here hours ago!"
"Sorry, darlin'," Logan apologised, "but bucket-head killed Jean, so it took a bit longer than expected."
Rogue blinked.
"He can do that?" she asked.
"According to the Manual, yeah."
Rogue shrugged.
"Fine by me," she said as Logan cut her loose. They looked at each other.
"Now what?" Rogue asked. Logan opened the Manual.
"Ehhhh..."
"Try under 'Reluctant Hero Saves Damsel in Distress'," she suggested.
Logan flipped through the pages.
"'Reluctant Hero Finds Damsel in Distress'...'Reluctant Hero Protects Damsel in Distress'...here we have it! 'Reluctant Hero Saves Damsel in Distress'," he read. "Okay, we did the 'Saving' part. We did the 'Cut Damsel Loose' part...oh, now we're supposed to screw like rabbits on parole."
They exchanged a look.
Rogue shrugged.
"No arguments from me," she said and grabbed a scarf that had conveniently found its way to the torch.
"A true Hero always follows the Manual," Logan agreed and kissed her.
* * *
A bit further down, their two remaining team-mates were having the same argument.
"Well, according to this, we won't be seeing Rogue and Logan for the next couple of hours," Scott said and flipped through the Manual.
"Then what are *we* supposed to do?" Storm demanded.
Scott kept reading, then suddenly lit up.
"Here's something. It says that the Supportive Characters - that would be us - will also find happiness in the arms of their beloved."
Storm looked at Jean.
"What about her?"
"Oh, she's a heroine. She'll be resurrected...eventually," Scott said and shrugged.
"Hopefully not anytime soon," Storm said and kissed Scott passionately.
They embraced, and the kiss deepened as the moon rose to bathe the two couples in its light...just like the Manual said it should.
* * *
The End
* * *