A Sober Celebration
The sun was already shining brightly in the sky, but the dingy grey blinds were drawn as to not let much, if any light in. Sebastian had been awake for a little while having been abruptly awakened by another horrifying nightmare. Once his bloodshot dark brown eyes opened, he did not stir from his prone position. He stared mindlessly up at the unstable white ceiling fan swirling around the stagnate air of the shabby hotel room. Watching the unbalanced fan wobble and squeak as the blades turned was probably not the best thing to do considering he already felt cruelly lightheaded and nauseous, but it was better than looking at his meager surroundings.
This place was the absolute worst shit hole he ever lived in. Paint peeled depressingly from the grungy wall and where there wasn't paint peeling, there were questionable stains all over the once alabaster parapets. The closet door hung partially off its rusty hinges. The old iron radiator was constantly on, even though it was the middle of summer. Another irritating issue was the way the room smelled, like a perpetual combination of cheap disinfectant, moth balls, and old damp gym socks. Drawers were falling apart. The shitty television rarely functioned properly, and he didn't even want to think about the horrors of the bathroom. This entire shitty hotel room was a relentless and punishing reminder of all he failed at in life. He failed to save his daughter, failed to save his marriage, failed to save his best friend, and finally failed in his career.
Unceremoniously drummed out of his profession after all those years of faithful service to the Krimson City Police Department. After being one of the fastest to rise from a patrol officer to a detective in only seven short years. Hell, he was even Sergeant at one point and time. No one ran the department more efficiently than he did and everyone loved, admired, and respected him greatly. But so much for the love and loyalty of the fraternal order of police. Where was that faithfulness and affection when he needed it the most? Conveniently absent! But why should that come as a surprise. Everyone in life he loved was gone, so why should his profession be any different?
No one believed him about what happened during the incident at Beacon Mental Hospital, even though he provided his story in excruciating detail. Even though he told them where they could find evidence of the STEM System's location and implored them to turn Beacon upside down to find it.
"No evidence of any device found..." The Captain said.
"Delusions and hallucinations possibly stemming from acute alcoholism..." The KDCP trauma psychologist said.
"Unable to perform the functions of a detective. Recommendation, immediate termination from the Krimson City Police Department…" the final Internal Affairs report on him said.
Well fuck them! If they weren't going to believe him and treat him like some sort of deranged pariah, he would figure out how to bring down Mobius without them. He didn't need KCPD anymore; he didn't need anyone anymore.
With a sigh, Sebastian quickly stifled those unwanted memories and tried to focus on what was important today, but concentrating was a challenge. His head pounded ferociously, his stomach churned violently, he was sweating profusely, and his hands were beginning to shake. Sebastian knew what was happening even if he was hard pressed to admit it. Nevertheless, the symptoms alcohol withdrawal were a bitch, especially the headaches and tremors. Those two symptoms alone were enough to push him to begin the day in a drunken miasma. But he had to deal with it; he had to fight against the cravings no matter how overwhelming they became. Fighting them was proving to be a herculean task. His mouth desperately craved just the smallest a swig of whiskey; something to soothe this hangover and quiet the tremors in his hands, but he knew even the smallest swig could easily turn into an entire bottle and that would not be acceptable today.
Today was July 18th, what would have been Lily's ninth birthday, and he was determined to stay sober before and during his visit to the cemetery to celebrate her life. There was a part of him that desperately wanted to stay sober after visiting her; to properly honor Lily's life and memory by spending the entire day completely sober. But he was fighting valiantly to stay sober right now. After all, drinking had become his most ardent and dependable companion.
Every morning Sweet Lady whiskey would be there by his bedside waiting for his passionate embrace. He would grab the small curvaceous bottle of Crest Regale on the rickety nightstand, pull open the cap, and inhale her saccharine perfume. Sweet Lady Whiskey was an enchanting mistress, with a hearty aroma and a smooth yet dark essence. And when she seduced him with her wet amber kiss, Sebastian would melt all over- lost to her intoxicating influence. After that first morning guzzle, just to clear his head and stop the tremors, he felt ready to conquer the world. Or at least have the physical strength and mental fortitude to get out of bed and proceed with any leads he may have.
Unfortunately for Sebastian, his liquid mistress was extremely demanding of his attention; so much so that the majority of his day was consumed with yielding to her ceaseless neediness. Once the clock struck eleven or so he would require a respite from whatever was going on, and his focus would shift to his liquid lover, which he devoured without haste. Then there was the one o'clock swig and, if necessary, another secret rendezvous with her at 2:30. He would usually suspend their tawdry self-destructive affair long enough to make it back to the run down hotel in which he resided by 5 or 6 o'clock; however by 10:30 PM their love affair would abruptly or violently end, leaving Sebastian hopelessly wasted. As much as he desperately wanted to be the textbook example of an honorable father and spend Lily's entire birthday sober, he knew there was no way he would be physically able to resist drinking for a 24 hour period. The most he could promise her was no drinking until after their visit was over.
Taking a quick glance over to the clock on the nightstand, Sebastian noted the time. Half past 9… He figured now would be a good time as any to get ready for the bitter sweet day ahead. Pulling himself up off the squeaky mattress, he sat up which set off a horrific chain reaction inside his stomach. Immediately he ran off towards the toilet and proceeded to spend the next five minutes hunched over the commode, retching up the near empty contents of his stomach.
About two hours later, Sebastian found himself finally leaving the transient hotel he called home. After spending thirty minutes or so intermittently vomiting rather violently, he brushed his teeth and decided to sleep off the worst of the morning shakes. For the most part his plan had worked. The majority of the sick and shaky feeling he experienced when he woke up had worn off. The slightly ill feeling that remained was adequately tempered because he was semi-hydrated after downing two bottles of electrolyte fluid and fully medicated with pain killers and acid reducers.
Sebastian was ready to face this day with his best rendition of a smile. He hadn't left the miserable solitude of his tiny hotel room in a few days, so it felt odd to walk outside. What felt the most strange was seeing the town he use to love through abstemious eyes. It was a beautiful and warm sunny day, which was a rarity for Krimson City no matter the season. There was always dense fog, or thick clouds, or heavy rain during the summer. Even the day Lily was born, there was a pretty harsh storm passing through, but anytime he recounted that story he remembered what happened a few hours after she arrived. The storm cleared up and the sun burst through the clouds, and cast a very beautiful and vivid rainbow over the Krimson City skyline.
Sebastian was holding Lily while Myra was taking a well-deserved nap after suffering through sixteen agonizing hours of child labor. He was too giddy to sleep and wanted to spend some time alone with his beautiful new baby girl. While gently cradling the child in his arms, Sebastian walked over to the window and saw the beautiful rainbow. It was a moment that he could not put into words even if he tried. Sebastian remembered the intense feelings of love, pride, and happiness he experienced holding his first born child while looking over at that impossibly bright rainbow. It was an absolutely perfect moment in time, one he wished he could have trapped in a bottle and could gaze upon forever.
A lone tear steamed from Sebastian's dark brown eyes, but he quickly pulled himself together. He promised he wouldn't drink this morning, but he also vowed not to cry, smoke, or criticize himself about her passing. This was her day and he was going to do everything in his power to make her day special just has he had done when she was alive. So with that reminder set, he had three important stops to make. The first was to Kazehiro's Japanese Novelty Shop in Park Ridge to get that fancy apple tea Lily use to love, then over to Maggie's Bakery to get a slice of strawberry shortcake, Lily's favorite dessert, and finally over to Park Ridge Flowers to pick up a bouquet of those fancy blue and purple lily's she loved. Yes, today would be a perfect day for her, even if she was no longer with him.
Before Sebastian began gathering Lily's favorite items, he knew he needed to stop by an ATM first. He didn't keep much cash on him unless there was an informant to bribe; the majority of the time, he relied on his debit card to survive. Thankfully there was a convenience store near-by so he could pick up some cash there. Walking the five block span to the store, Sebastian walked inside, grabbed a breakfast sandwich, and proceeded to the back where the ATM was. Slipping the bank card into the machine, he first checked the balance in his account. After paying $395 for the monthly hotel rental, he had approximately $529.90 remaining. Breathing a small sigh of relief, Sebastian took out $150 and quickly pocketed it.
Sebastian despised taking money out of this account, but he had no choice since it was his only source of income at present. This particular account was funded by the life insurance payment for Lily's death. Each month $3500 dollars was deposited into the account and it would be for the next year and a half. That was the terms set by the insurance company; to pay out the maximum benefit of $211,750 dollars in monthly intervals of $3500 for 60.5 months; the monetary equivalent of her five and a half short lived years.
Neither Sebastian nor Myra wanted anything to do with that account. They felt strongly that those payments were tainted and no good would ever come from that money. The only reason they opened an account for it was to designate the payments to go to direct deposit, that way they wouldn't have to look at those gruesome checks that came in the mail; blood money for the child they lost. As if money would ever heal that kind of pain or somehow fill the massive void left by her passing. It didn't. Money, no matter the amount, would never bring back her love, her laughter, her courage, or just her. Besides, Lily was worth her weight in platinum; it disgusted him to think the sum of her life was boiled down to roughly $116 dollars a day.
With a deep sigh, Sebastian walked over to the register and paid for his sandwich as well as a large coffee that would hopefully jumpstart his sluggish brain. When he was finished, he took his items out the door and proceeded to walk down the street until he came to a bus stop. Sitting down on the hard bench, he bit into the sandwich, then took a swig of coffee, and waited for the bus to arrive. This was one of the times he really missed driving, but he gave up driving shortly after the being fired from KCPD. He sold his dark blue 2013 Soyoda SUV and used the proceeds to move into a smaller more affordable place, which turned out to be the rundown hell hole that was the Krimson Corners Hotel. At least it was far away from Park Ridge and away from Downtown Krimson. Too many memories in those places, too many painful reminders of all he'd lost, and he didn't want to think about any of those things.
The other reason he sold the vehicle was to effectively prevent himself from driving while intoxicated. He couldn't risk being arrested for a DUI. Oh those bastards he was hunting would be all too overjoyed at getting rid of him that way. Plus the assholes down at HQ would love that- seeing him in shackles and an orange county jail jumpsuit. Once a shining example of law and order, now a common drunkard brazenly defying the law he once swore an oath to protect. Any judge would throw the book at him for sure and he couldn't risk being derailed from his quest to serve out a lengthy prison sentence. No, taking him down for DUI would have been too convenient and easy, and he wouldn't make things that easy for them. He was already their pariah, he wouldn't be their prisoner too.
It took a while, but he finally got all his errands done and finally made it to Serene Acers Cemetery, the place where Lily was laid to rest. Walking through the solemn rows of headstone, Sebastian could feel himself beginning to choke up, but he had to pull himself together. As much as he hated spending the day talking to a cold grey headstone, he had to do this for her. He had to celebrate her life and honor her memory. Taking a few shaky breaths in and out, Sebastian summoned up all his courage and walked over to where Lily's grave was.
"Hi Pumpkin." He said with his voice trembling. "I brought you some things for your birthday today."
Sebastian bent over and placed the beautiful bouquet of blue, purple, and pink tiger lilies at base of her little grey headstone.
"I hope you like them Baby." Sebastian said softly. "I asked them specifically to give me double the normal order just for your birthday. I remember how much you loved these kinds of flowers."
Sitting down in front of the flowers, Sebastian made himself as comfortable as he could.
"I also got you some of that apple tea from the little Japanese shop that Daddy's partner Mr. Joseph use to go to." He said breaking out the small bottle and sitting it down next to the flowers. "They were nice enough to brew up a batch and bottle it for you. And the last thing I got for you was a slice of your favorite, strawberry shortcake. I made sure to get the prettiest one in the shop. I remember how meticulous you were about getting a cake that looked just perfect. I just hope I did a good job for you Pumpkin."
Sebastian opened up the white box that contained the cake and pulled it out to show Lily. Once he felt he had gotten her approval, he took out the number 9 shaped candle and placed it on cake slice, which wasn't easy, given the strawberry at the top took up a lot of real estate. Once the candle was in a good place he took out his lighter and lit the tip, then softly began to sing the Happy Birthday song. His throat and nose were burning, he was trying hard to fight back the tears and put on a brave face for her, just like he promised he would, but this was gut wrenching. He didn't want to spend her birthday at a cold and lonely grave. He wanted to spend it with her, Myra, and Joseph, just as they always did before that terrible accident, before Myra left, before Joseph vanished, before his life went to complete and utter shit...
"No Sebastian!" He said out loud. "You said you wouldn't reproach yourself today. You have to be strong for Lily."
Taking a few deep breaths in and out again, Sebastian tried to regain his limited composure and solider though what he was feeling. He so desperately wanted a drink and to jam a whole pack of cigarettes into his mouth, but he intentionally left his flask and his cigarettes back at the hotel. It would be a long time before he would get to them again. But he didn't need those things to get through this excruciating moment. He was here with his beloved Lily, grant it, it was only in spirit, but it was better than nothing at all. Pushing all the dark thoughts that swirled around his mind aside, Sebastian pulled himself together once again.
"I hope you are having a good day up in heaven Pumpkin." He said softly. "I hope you and all the angels are having a great time on your birthday."
Sebastian cleared his throat because he could felt himself beginning to tear up again. In a quick attempt to switch gears, he remembered the silver fork and knife he swiped from bakery and he dug into the strawberry shortcake. As always, it was delicious, but he could barely stomach it. One because he never really had an affinity for sweets and two because he was on the verge of tears and it is impossible to cry and eat at the same time.
"This is really good Pumpkin." He said feigning a smile. "Probably not as good as cakes made in heaven, but what can you do?"
Quietly Sebastian ate the cake, once he had finished, he placed the empty doily back into the white box and sat it down next to him. Then he stretched out and laid down on her grave. He knew her casket was empty, but this always helped him feel somewhat closer to her; almost like she was hugging him from wherever she was. That was something Sebastian missed the most, feeling her warm and tender hugs. Whenever he had a bad day Lily always instinctively knew it, so she would wait by the door for him, then rush over to him as soon as he walked though it and hugged him tightly. And just like magic, it always made everything instantly better. He desperately wished she was here to hug him now, because he had been having one perpetual bad day for the last three years and it seemed like it would never ever end.
"I miss you so much Pumpkin." Sebastian said softly.
Hours had passed before Sebastian made it back to the hotel. He felt more broken than ever. Spending her birthday and Christmas out there was getting increasingly difficult, but he was the only one left to honor her and until the day he died, he vowed to visit her on those days, no matter how awful it made him feel. Completely demoralized and exhausted, Sebastian sluggishly walked towards the stairs, but was stopped by the front desk clerk.
"Mr. Sebastian!" The clerk said though the small PA system, as the front desk was covered over by bars and three inches of plexiglass.
Reluctantly Sebastian turned around and walked over to the front desk to attend to the matter.
"You got a delivery Mr. Sebastian." The clerk said. "As per our agreement, I accepted the shipment and had it sent directly to your room."
Sebastian immediately knew what that shipment was and given his current mood, it was quite timely. Not saying anything, Sebastian reached into his pocket and slid the clerk a $20 dollar bill as thanks, then turned and walked back towards the emergency staircase, and made his way up the four flights. Taking his key out of his pants pocket, he walked over to his room door, number 404, and put the key into the lock. Opening the door he saw the three large crates sitting in the middle of the small room, very nearly consuming the tiny space.
Going over to the crate and pulling it open with the crow bar he used from the hotel, Sebastian removed the packaging and let it fall to the floor, then pulled out the treasured prize inside which was a bottle of Crest Regale Black. He placed the bottle on the floor so he could put the lid back on top of the crate. When the minor task was completed, he grabbed the bottle and sat down on the floor next to his treasured crates. 36 bottles of whiskey, enough to keep all those dreaded memories at bay for at least the next month. Underneath the heavy wooden creates, lay his invoice from the online retailer whom he brought the dark liquor from. Pulling the invoice out from under the box, Sebastian read what the receipt:
"Thank you again for you purchase of 3 creates of Crest Regale Black. Your total is: $1529.52 (shipping, handling, and applicable tax is included). Thank you for using Wine, Whiskey, and Spirits Online Emporium. We look forward to fulfilling your next auto-shipment on August 10th."
Letting the invoice slip out of his hand and onto the floor, Sebastian sighed. Just as he and Myra figured, the money from Lily's insurance payment wasn't used for anything good. Pushing aside the guilt he felt, Sebastian broke the bottles' black seal and pulled off the top. Putting the glass bottle to his lips, he paused and thought, but his thoughts were quick and scattered.
First he thought about how grateful he was for internet booze shopping. He could drink as much as he wanted without having to worry about some snotty bartender cutting him off before he could get blackout drunk; nor did he have to worry about not being able to make a simple purchase because he was too drunk to stand upright. Additionally, he could get drunk alone, which was better than sharing in others sad tales of woe. He didn't care to hear other people's stories. Fuck other people! Most people got drunk and went home to their wives and children, they never knew how good they had it or how lucky they were. He on the other hand, had nothing to come "home" to- he had nothing but misery and loneliness.
Sebastian's next thought grew even darker, all the regret and pain from the accident came flooding into his mind, followed by the horror and brutality of everything he survived through in that torturous STEM System. Everything assailed him all at once, and it was overwhelming. Letting out a groan of anguish and frustration, Sebastian began to suck down as much of the dark amber fluid he could ingest at once. The self-destructive love affair with Sweet Lady Whiskey began anew and Sebastian was once more caught in her desperate snare. But hers was the only embrace he could trust.
People were unreliable or unsympathetic. People either died, abandoned him, or cruelly judged. Sweet Lady Whiskey never judged nor did she abandon him, and her deaths were only temporary. With each new bottle there was a resurrection, one that would never end so long as there were bottles to be emptied and new ones to replace the old. Those were the certainties no human could ever give him and hers was the only love he would ever know.