Emma: Hello there! This is Emma CS Me speaking, one of the two authors (the other being the lovely TinaBanina 96). Now, this is a fic concerning each participant of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Each participant will receive a chapter of their own, as well as occurring in others' plotlines. Um, I am no good at concluding author's notes so... enjoy?
Tina: This is Tina just sneaking in on Emma's chapter to say hello! Enjoy this chapter, featuring Azerbaijan (who better to start with than the host of Eurovision 2012?) xx
You Can't Even Look at Me
1.
"AH YOU'RE HERE! Oh, I'm so excited! Hello! God, it's been awhile since we got to see each other, right brother? But I'm so happy! You're here! This is going to be amazing!"
"'Zeri... Might be more amazing if I don't suffocate to death before we even sing."
"Bwuh? Oh, sorry! Just... EEEE!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know. You've said. Many times. For the last year. Ya hear what I'm sayin'?"
"...Yeah. Well, after this chances are you won't have to put up with it anymore, so yeah. Unless I manage two wins in a row, which would be cool but I don't think it's going to happen."
"Or if I win, because you probably wouldn't ever shut up then either."
"Yeah, probably not. Anyway, I have to go do my good little hostess duties, so – see you Turkey, good luck with the contest! Love you!"
"Yeah, yeah, you too."
2.
"Hey you three! I wasn't expecting you altogether. Hello!"
"Ah, Azerbaijan. I can see you're excited!"
"YES."
"...Indeed."
"W-we agreed we'd g-go together, makes th-th-"
"Okay Latvia, you don't have to do the rest of the talking. So, how are you all; it feels like it's been months since we talked."
"Well, I can't speak for the other two, but I've actually seen you fairly recently, Azerbaijan. We're close, right? ...I-I mean, we're friends and trade partners so there's no reason we shouldn't talk to each other frequently–"
"–R-right, we have longstanding ties and hence it makes sense for us to contact one another somewhat frequently, but we're not overly bound together and both of us have closer allies–"
"D-do you two not have to do the rest of the talking either?"
"Oh, shut up Latvia! ...At Lithuania, stop laughing at me!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to. In answer to your question: yes, we are all fine. How are you?"
"Oh I – I'm great, really. I'm so excited!"
"As I previously mentioned."
"...Yes, yes you did."
"Well. We should probably start moving up to our hotel room."
"You want help?"
"There are three of us; we should manage. We'll see you around, Azeri; good luck with the competition."
"See you! Good luck!"
3.
"Hey! Do you want some help with your things?"
"Oh hello – uh, I do know your name... Let me think... No, not Albania... Not Andorra... Not Antigua and Barbuda..."
"Um, I'm the host country? We've been hanging out together in the finals room for a few days?"
"...Angola?"
"No."
"Argentina?"
"No."
"Abkhazia?"
"That's not actually a recognised country."
"Azkaban?"
"That's a fictional prison!"
"Armenia?"
"...No. Just no."
"Oh, I give up. Tell me!"
"Azerbaijan! My name is Azerbaijan!"
"...OOOH. Haha, well done! I really didn't think of that! Anyway, I should be fine on my own, gracias."
"...Okay then..."
4.
"Azerbaijan, you are allowed to sit down. You look tired, and I'm starting to worry."
"Huh? Oh, I'm just trying to check on everyone, make sure they're settling in well, since most of them haven't been here before. Good hostess duties! Besides, you always worry."
"This is despite the fact lost of them don't seem to know who you are?"
"...Okay, yeah, I was noticing that. Still, it's not like I didn't know I was obscure. With any luck, people will get to know me now and it will really help out my country!"
"I see... That seems fair enough, really. I admire how hard you're working."
"Yeah, and with Lithuania calls you hard-working, that means you're being truly impressive."
"Don't tease me."
"But I tease people! It's what I do! I'm really cheerful all the time!"
"Just try not to set anything on fire, please."
"I make no promises. Besides, the slogan this year is 'light your fire'."
"Why did we agree to let you do that?"
"Because. Anyway, I can't imagine you acting any different when hosting this thing – with the overworking, not the setting things on fire – have you ever hosted this?"
"Erm, no. Estonia and Latvia have, though. Maybe you should ask one of them..."
"W-what are you trying to imply?"
"Hmm? Oh nothing."
"You've spent too much time with Poland."
"Yes. Yes I have."
5.
"Hey Georgia."
"Hi."
"...How are you?"
"Fine, fine. What are you doing here? Weren't you meant to be preparing with the other automatic finalists?"
"Well, yes, but it's the UK's turn and, um, I snuck out?"
"Is he that bad?"
"No! I mean... I don't know, but... It was just awkward, okay?"
"Let me guess, they were acting like you didn't exist?"
"They always act like I don't exist. It's really annoying. I mean, it's my contest, right?"
"Technically it's Europe's contest; you just happen to be hosting it this year."
"Okay, I did not come for a semantic argument. Besides, I won, I don't just 'happen' to be hosting it."
"True. Has it done everything you wanted?"
"...What do you mean?"
"Well, they're paying a little attention to you. Not much, but a little."
"Yeah. Yay. Kind of the whole point."
"Just curious – how much do you want them to see?"
"What?"
"Nothing."
"...Okay then."
"It's a pity Armenia didn't make it this year, isn't it?"
"Geor–!"
"Just saying."
6.
"Fuck!"
"Is something wrong?"
"Huh? Oh, no, nothing, nothing. Just politicians being, y'know, politicians. I didn't mean to interrupt! Carry on! Whose rehearsal are we up to?"
"France's. Wait, when did you leave – um, Ablagan?"
"...Well, at least you're making something up yourself now. I snuck out – didn't you notice?"
"..."
"Taking that as a no."
"Ah, dearest Azeri – hold on, we may have to pause this performance for a brief moment – is everything quite alright? We wouldn't want you to suffer for our sakes."
"Keep your hands off her, Frog, or I'll sic Turkey on you."
"For the love of god, England, this is not the time."
"Uh... no, I'm fine. I mean, I've had fights with my politicians before but... Wow this is awkward."
"Azerbaijan, you can't fault us for being concerned. I – um, I don't wish to be rude but – your human rights situation is... not the best."
"Where did you come from? Anyway, can we just not talk about this? It wasn't anything big, and like, mind your own business. Wasn't France meant to be singing?"
"...Indeed I was. Oh well. I suppose I have no choice but to continue."
7.
"She really shouldn't even be in this contest."
"An' here we go..."
"Don't act all victimised. It is nothing to do with her ethnicity, or her faith, or her geography. We simply should not allow dictatorships like her into the Eurovision song contest. This is a European event, which means it should espouse European values; the importance of democracy is one of the most critical thereof."
"Please, how many of us have been democratic for more than a hundred years? Besides, 'Zeri's tryin'. This stupid contest means a lot to her, I don't want her to get kicked out."
"Of course you don't want her to get kicked out, bastard, she always gives you twelve points."
"Yeah, and you'd be just fine if Cyprus weren't votin' no more? Or even if little North were affecting the vote? Also, if you're gonna go applying rules to her you gotta be fair about 'em. What about Belarus? Russia? My little sis' ain't the only one with the post-communist blues."
"Fine! Give them all a message, that Europe will absolutely reject them if they continue to fly in the face of human rights."
"Austria, I don't think you're helping. Turkey, listen here: you only want what's best for little - um, Avedeban?"
"Azerbaijan. Fuckin' hell, it's not that hard."
"Well - would you like her to be more democratic, more progressive, like yourself? I mean, I'm not certain about this but... Please try and understand where they are coming from."
"...And what'll you do, after kicking her out? Pressure her for reform? Help her change? Or will you just ignore her, 'cause hey, what's one more little weird Asian dictatorship in a country no-one's ever heard of?"
"Uh, guys?"
"...Azerbaijan."
"So, um, the caterers put a lot of tea and coffee downstairs. Like, could feed a whole nation. Which is what you guys are, so - you can like, go downstairs and get some. Variety there is crazy, seriously. There are coffees even you'd find too strong, brother."
"Well that's impressive. You heard 'er, everybody. Let's go."
8.
"I didn't cheat!"
"Please calm down, Azerbaijan; no-one said that – we just wish to have a word with you about certain voting patterns–"
"No! Don't treat me like I'm stupid, like I haven't been paying attention; none of you want me here so–"
"Azerbaijan, you are not making anything easier by thinking conspiratorially. Here are the facts: Cyprus's jury says they did not give you points, hence the high score you received from seems suspicious. It seems most of your high scores came from somewhat smaller nations, where televoting could be easily swayed."
"This – this is stupid and circumstantial! I haven't done anything, honestly, I play this game fair and square–"
"Austria, I think you're intimidating her. We just worry, Azerban-"
"Azerbaijan! How fucking hard is it to remember? It's four syllables; maybe I'm not the biggest polyglot out there, but I think your languages should all be capable of that much, right? And don't think I don't know about you Spain! You were let in for fifteen years when you were a fascist dictatorship! And so were the Yugoslavs, both when they were commies like us and when they were all trying to kill each other! And do any of you remember, how Finland joined in for Intervision that once, on the other side of the Iron Curtain? So how dare any of you act like you're too good for me?"
"'Zeri! Just calm down, okay? Fuck, nobody meant anything to piss you off. Just... are you sure your government couldn't have done something, without you knowing about it? I'm not tryin' to blame ya, it's just people smell something fishy, that's all."
"Brother–? Wow, great support there! What, are you just gonna let them kick me out of the contest now? Yeah, I heard your little chat! Jesus, Europe's as full of backstabbing assholes as you always said it was."
"No, Azeri. I'm not letting them kick you out of the competition. Just – hey, it would be nice to be able to disagree with you for fucking once without you acting like the sky's falling in!"
"...Of course. We can have our differences, and politely and respectfully resolve them, can't we? Because that's what we do. As modern nations. As civilised, progressive, European nations."
9.
"Hello, Azeri."
"What do you want?"
"I heard your screaming match with half of Europe before. You really can be loud when you want to be."
"It's a family trait. Though we have learnt it's a bad idea to be so on one of Kyrgyz's mountains."
"Hmm. I wouldn't worry, about them wanting to prevent you competing. It will blow over. I don't think they would want to anger Russia that much, and besides – Turkey would never allow it."
"...I kind of owe my brother an apology, huh?"
"You really do. He was only trying to help."
"Fuck. You know, I somehow get this feeling most of them don't really care. They want the strange pseudo-European land to go away, with its human rights abuses and its obviously impossible to remember name. What? Doesn't that sound plausible to you?"
"...Yes. Yes it does. But that doesn't necessarily mean they don't have a point."
"But who the hell decided they have the right to kick me out? That they're 'real' Europe, and the rest of us are just awkward hangers on? Is it because of the money?"
"Well, that is why five of them automatically get through to the final..."
"So basically, the rest of us have to fit the little categories? So Ukraine and Portugal are allowed to have revolutions here, but I'm not even meant to show up?"
"I think you might be, um, slightly overdramatic now."
"...I'm always overdramatic."
"Mmm. You know, I did mention something like this in my song a few years ago."
"Really? When? I don't remember that. Heh, maybe I could edit my song just to piss 'em off. When the music dies, right? Second I stop singing they forget all about me."
"I think that may be against the rules, Azeri. And I'm not surprised you don't remember – it was 2010?"
"...Sparkly short-shorts year?"
"Yes. That one. I did my little passive-aggressive rant about the way everyone thinks of Eastern Europe, but distracted them with the costume."
"And that is the true meaning of Eurovision... Wait, do I count as Eastern Europe?"
"Probably, if you count as Europe at all."