This is stupid. You're standing right outside her apartment room's door in your pajamas. Your pajamas.
You are carrying a card you bought from the gas station, an old cat plush you bought a year ago because of impulses, and a small container with cookies you brought from home. Right now, she should be sleeping. It's half past 2 in the morning and she just returned from New York around midnight. But you had to see her. The urge was too strong.
No one should miss their ex as much as you missed Roxy. But she wasn't just an ex. She was your best friend. You messed up. You really messed up.
She broke up with you before she left to New York. She had valid reasons, and honestly at the time your relationship with her was strained. But what can you say? You'll never know how good you had it until that good is gone.
Admittedly, you have trust issues. Major ones. It's what drove her away from you romantically. If you had stayed friends… But you didn't stay friends. You feel that you've loved her for a while. You realize this a few days after the school semester ended. The two of you were sprawled on the floor of your bedroom talking about life and school and whatever else. You mentioned wanting to go to the beach and the two of you joked about heading over there despite the freezing temperature. It was just a fleeting though, and you had forgotten that you said anything about the beach at all.
You did not expect her to borrow her brother's car and sweep you into a once in a lifetime escapade. The beach itself was as dreary, cold and bleak. But the ride there was cheery, full of laughter and music. It was so casual, and unremarkable. It was just like any other weekend spent with Roxy, but this one just felt different.
So Roxy had a playlist prepared for the hour long trip. It was endearing to see that all the tracks was themed to include something about the ocean and sea. It's the small things like this that makes you appreciate her. There wasn't a lot of songs you knew in the playlist, and you're sure Roxy had no idea what the lyrics were. But the two of you were enjoying the ride, enjoying each other's presence.
Finally you hear a song you recognize. At first you try not to sing along to Yellowcard's Ocean Avenue but you're really getting into a mood. There must have been something in the air that day. You were suddenly overcome with a giddiness you couldn't tame and began to sing as loudly as you could.
"We would walk on the beach in our bare feet
We were both 18 and it felt so right
Sleeping all day, staying up all night"
You heard Roxy singing with you, and you remember looking at her. The smile you shared with her as you both sang together… she was beautiful.
"If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away."
You kissed her on a dreary beach in Washington but she was radiating and you have never felt so lucky in your life.
But, you never left this town. You never ran away with her.
You broke each other's hearts. That was stupid.
This… is stupid.
You can't expect to all relationships to end on a happy note. Sometimes you have to let those low notes balance out the high ones. This is how life is going to be. Yes, you loved her so much. You still do. It was childish to ignore her for so long. An apology has been in order since she left to New York. You're prepared to give one.
This longing for reconcile has been building up. Sometimes you wanted to act on your impulses and fly to New York just to see her. And finally an impulse has gotten to you. You want to see her. You couldn't wait until you were wide awake. So, driven by sleep deprivation and hope, you went to finally visit her.
You don't want a life without Roxy Lalonde. She didn't deserve to be let down like that. You're looking at the door, one hand on the smooth surface. You inhale and clutch your gifts closer you your chest. You knock once. Twice. "Roxy," you whisper. "Roxy, are you awake?"
You hear a shuffle behind the door. A yawn. There's something being tossed around, and it sounds like keys. You suspect that she had passed out on the couch instead of her bed. You're glad that she still left a ton of her stuff here. When Roxy told you she wasn't selling her apartment room you felt that she was leaving it as a promise to return.
There's a long silence, and you're worried that somehow she fell asleep standing up. The girl is known to sleepwalk. Your hand reaches towards the door to knock on it one more time.
Suddenly, the door clicks, and opens. You see a familiar face peeking out the door. Your hand switches from reaching forward to waving.
"Hi," you greet softly.
Rpxy looks really surprised to see you. Her eyes went from downcast and tired to fully alert. "Whoa! Janey," she says with a scratchy voice. She coughs. "Jane! What are you doing here so late?" Her hand is on your shoulder and she's already pulling you inside. She smells like peppermint and cinnamon and another something else you can't put your finger on. You knew she had a sweet tooth and there are a lot of store bought goodies on her table.
"Whoa, I brought some cookies from home but you seem to have a lifetime supply," you joke.
Roxy glances down at the cookies on her table and shrugs. She gives you a sheepish look and says, "I missed your homemade stuff so I went out and bought different brands of sugar cookies. None of them really matched up to yours though."
You can feel your cheeks heating up. "I- I brought some for you!" You fumble with the gifts in your hands and present them to her. The card, the cat and the cookies. With each gift placed into her hands her eyes grew wider.
"Jaannne!" she wails as she pulls you into a tight hug. "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore." She's crying. You're crying. Both of you are crying. Your hand hovers over the back of her head. You decide to run your hand through her hair as she holds you even tighter. She's so tall so you your head is pressed on her chest instead of her shoulder.
"Roxy… It's all my fault. I didn't know what to do. I just… wanted everything to go back to how it used to be, but I was selfish. We are just too different now, but I missed you. God. I missed my BFF." You look at that beautiful face you fell in love with. She's a mess and you're probably a wreck. You two have a lot of deep rooted issues to work out. Being fiends again is the first step.
She looks at you and suddenly she's babbling incoherently. "I just thought I was never going to see you again. I didn't want to bother you and Dirk said you were so happy running the Crocker stuff. Ididn'twanttoruinitforyouagain," she chokes.
This is not as stupid as you thought it was. You let go of her and she sits down on the couch. You flop down to sit with her. It's been a whole year since she left. You don't know if she still loves you, but you find yourself not worrying about it.