The Book of Habadassha

by slytherinsal

This arose from a chat with a Salvation Army Officer who used to quote the book of Habadassha 'don't let the bees get you down'. I just wrote the rest of the book of this little known prophet for fun. Helps if you're familiar with Haberdashery terms.

The Book of Habadassha

Chapter 1

1: And it came to pass that in that time dwelled on the plain one Habadassha 2: that was the son of Sempstah, son of Brodera, son of Bayst that was descended in seventeen generations from Needal. 3: And the days of Habadassha measured seven and thirty ells and a cubit when he proclaimed his laws to his people. 4: Rejoice, for the wisdom of the LORD that giveth laws through Habadassha and be glad in the weave of His works. 5: For Habadassha walked amongst his people even as the fuller walks upon the wool to mould it to his will. 6: for the LORD is the Great Fuller and though we be diminished in His presence so are we improved and uplifted by HIS name. 7: Blessed is Habadassha and all his laws.

Chapter 2

1: And this is the first law of Habadassha: do not let the bees grind you down for they are but small upon this earth. 2: Verily, shalt thou cut thy piece to fit thy cloth for the LORD hateth borrowers and spendthrifts. 3: As Mercy Rises so too are we smoothed in spirit. 4: May the thread of thy thought be untangled by any so and so. 5: the Singer shall be raised above any other and shall endure faithfully. 6: though the tribe of Sericultor be raised above all others let all tribes live in harmony, yea even Flax of the marshes and Hemp whose kinsmen befuddle the minds of the unwary.7: though the time cometh for all men to dye, the power of the LORD shall take away their stains. 8: ignore the bees that would mock for their minds and orifices are closed with wax. 9: Yea, though the impediment of their ignorance be great, yet it may lubricate the thread of thy will. 10: so too shall the earwax of unbelievers make adequate candles. 11: Weave wondrous thoughts yea, even though the rats of life shall gnaw at the threads. 12: though the rats proliferate in great abundance their destructive urges will truly destroy them; for most dyes are poisonous. 13: Let not thy works be put to ill use; for may not the finest thread the worm doth spin yet hang a man? 14: So saith Habadassha: though thou be as on tenter's hooks, so shall you be finished according to the LORD's will. 15: Let not thy thinking become woolly.

Chapter 3

1: For Habadassha, son of Sempstah, was born unto Devori, the wife of Sempstah. 2: who was the daughter of Bel-bet of the kindred of Piel 3: that dwelt in the land of Weft, even as the sons of Needal dwelt beside the River Bur-lap. 4: And the childhood of Habadassha was filled with joyful toil in the house of his father that several clothes for the poor that they might cover their nakedness 5: yea, even Stre-kah that brought discord and laid his clothes upon the ground and uncovered himself. 6: and the despite of Stre-kah was great and he did rail against the house of Sempstah 7: and though but a child did Habadassha call upon the LORD to smite Stre-kah with sunburn and nettle rash; and his cheeks burned with shame. 8: Oft did the infant Habadassha pass judgement upon his elders; and they wondered mightily at his words 9: and ignored them. 10: And in time did Habadassha come to manhood's estate and took unto wife Clothshera, the daughter of Clippa. 11: and the sons of Habadassha were Bale, Wulsak, Bolt, Pinn, Ker-se, Linenn, Hem-pen and Mordant. 12: And lo, Habadassha waxed and flourished. 13: yet still the despite of Stre-kah gnawed at his heart as a rat at cloth; and he was sore jealous of Habadassha. 14: And Stre-kah bore false witness against Habadassha; and Habadassha was brought before the law. 15: Thus spake Habadassha: "Yea, though I be stretched on the tenters' hooks, I know that I am righteous" 16: and his judges considered these words amongst themselves. 17: and spake one "Yea, verily, was he ever a pi and smarmy little git" 18: And Habadassha's innocence was proven as white as bleached sheets 19: and the gift of speech came, even unto Habadassha 20: though many did mutter even amongst themselves that it were better had he been struck dumb 21: and it was then that he gave his laws to his people.

Chapter 4

1: And the people of that time were lax in their practices; and Habadassha spake words of warning. 2: "Hearken ye, oh people of the land of Weft! Repent thy slapdash ways or surely shall the river run red, yea, even the River Bur-lap!" 3: But they heeded not his words and still used not the salt of alum; 4: and verily it came to pass that upon washing day, so did all the scarlet clothes run into the river, yea, even unto the whiteness of the underwear and turn it pink 5: and sore embarrassed were the elders of the tribe in pink loincloths. 6: and Habadassha said "yea, I told you so." And he did prophesy, saying 7: "It shall come to pass that one day a man of the tribe of Levi shall bring forth a mighty work, a new garment; and even then shall the loincloths of the young and inexperienced shall be stained blue." 8: Discontented then were the men of Weft, for they knew the truth of Habadassha's words: and their wives railed at them for their laxity. 9: then spake Stre-kah, once discomforted but emboldened anew: for he had abandoned the LORD and worshipped the false gods Dreft and Daz and was a most soapy man. 10: and Stre-kah said, "Cursed are the self righteous that say 'I told you so' 11: "and cursed are the downright smug that gloat upon the errors of their fellows. 12: "and cursed are they that point the finger of blame at their fellows and yet have no wrong in themselves that is yet found out. 13: "let us then smite Habadassha!" 14: and the people cried "YEA!" as with one voice. 15: and so it came to pass that a mighty crowd came to drown Habadassha, even in his own dye vat. 16: but the LORD was not yet ready to receive him; for verily was Habadassha a self righteous little twerp with much to learn. 17: so the LORD plucked him from the vat still stinking of woad and set him down in the desert; 18: and here Habadassha lived out his multitude of days as a hermit, laying down his law to the ravens that fed him 19: though they heeded him not. 20: Alas! The laws of Habadassha's last days were lost from his people 21: woe, for they have not been inscribed. 22: For though the raven carrieth many a quill, it is still illiterate.