"Hey Hermione," came Ron's voice from downstairs. I could picture him in his robes, tapping his fingers patiently waiting for me to get downstairs, "You done yet?"
I looked at my hair in the mirror, the tangled mess it usually was. I didn't feel like fixing it. My eyeliner was smudged and my mascara was non-existent. I didn't have the energy to put on more or really to do anything. I just wanted to flop down on the bed and go to sleep. It was only 7:30 but in my mind, it felt like the middle of the night. It always felt like the middle of the night for me. Things were just never good anymore. They were okay, but never good.
But I had promised Ron that I would go out tonight. This was our third date but seemed like our millionth. Time wasn't working right anymore. I grabbed a cloak and made my way to the door.
"Going out with Ron again?" Parvati Patil said from her bed. She was reading a copy of some trashy witch magazine and was looking at me with intent eyes. From the bed next to her, Lavender squealed in delight.
"God, he is so hot!" she said, rolling over to face me, "You are so lucky he asked you out! All the girls were chasing him. I can't believe he picked you. God, I am so jealous!" I gave each of them a weak smile and left. I heard them burst into a fit of giggles as I closed the door.
Our eyes met at the same time, his filled with longing, mine filled with- well I wasn't exactly sure but whatever it was, it made Ron happy. He gave me a hug and I felt comfortable in his arms. Just comfy, not safe or warm or anything like that, just comfy.
"You look beautiful tonight," he said beaming. I blushed, I looked like a trainwreck but whatever. If he was glad, it was enough. "Shall we?" he asked, extending an arm. I took it and we set off toward Hogsmeade or wherever else he was taking me. To tell you the truth, I didn't care.
Flashback: His eyes were the color of the sky. It was that moment, before the storm, gray and stormy, alight with lightning. I couldn't pull myself away from them. He was staring me down, making his eyes smolder which made me want to keep looking at them. But I needed to say what I was here to say. "I can't do this anymore." I saw another flash of lightning in his eyes. He suddenly seemed so much older, so much more mature than me. It scared me a little but I needed to hold my ground, "I can't." My voice was a whisper now and my eyes were scanning the grass instead of looking at his face. "What?" he said. His hand slipped under my chin and forced my eyes up again. I tried to look away again but he was making it impossible. My hands automatically went to his chest even though I tried really hard not to. "What?" he whispered again. "This. This sneaking out to meet you," I lied. Hopefully he wouldn't notice. Sneaking out to meet him never bothered me. I spent all day counting down to the moment where I would creep out of the back door and straight into his arms. And when I was there, truthfully life was great. It was when I was without him that my life was shit and I was always without him during the day so basically everything was shit. "That," he said smiling, "is total bullshit. Now tell me the truth. What's wrong?" I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him. It just wasn't possible. I loved him too much so I didn't want to hurt him but he couldn't understand that he hurting me too. Every moment we were apart, we were enemies and every moment we were enemies, I died a little inside. I knew that every horrible thing he ever said to me or to my friends was just a lie and he never really meant it but it still hurt and because it was coming from him, it tore me up even more. But he needed to know. "You called me a Mudblood," the last word came out in a whisper. I could see the change that took place immediately in his face. I couldn't describe it. "You know I didn't mean it." "Yea, but you still said it." "What am I supposed to say in front of people? 'Hey Hermione, I love you?' No one would ever accept it and there's no point in trying." He was yelling now. I knew his anger was just there to cover up his hurt. "I wish you would. I don't care what people think anymore. Just say you love me in front of everyone and we'll see what happens later. It doesn't matter, we're strong." I was yelling too. "You're strong. I'm a coward. I'm afraid of what people say about me. I'm afraid of my father and all the horrible things he is going to do to me if he or anyone else ever finds out. Your parents are Muggles. They don't care who you love." "What are you trying to say? Are you trying to say I'm below you just because I'm Muggle born? Just because my parents are different, our love won't work? All you purebloods," I said the word with contempt trying to hold back tears in my eyes, "are the same. Selfish, big-headed, assholes." "I'm sorry you feel that way." A roll of thunder almost drowned out his voice. "I'm sorry too." Rain started to fall lightly as I turned on my heels and began walking back toward the castle. Rage was building up inside me, much like the thunderstorm that was about to come. He could have just said sorry to me. We could have just kissed and made up. But, no, he had to fight. It was true, I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt to much to keep doing this. At that moment, I realized why I endured. Why I went through all the trouble and shit in my life. Just for this moment. Just for him. "I'm sorry," he said, the second our lips separated. He pulled me into him and held me there. I felt safe, warm, and comfortable, even through the storm. "I hate you," I said, my voice hoarse from the yelling and crying. "What?" he asked, stepping backward. "I mean, I love you. But since no one can really know, I hate you. I really really hate you." I said. I smiled at my ironic little joke. "I hate you, too," he said, with all the tenderness of love. We both smiled as he held me in his arms.
Suddenly, there was a hand in mine, holding me back. I stopped and felt the hand intertwine itself with mine. "Go away," I said, trying to shake him off. Nothing happened, I wasn't expecting it to. He pulled me toward him and put a hand in my hair. He leaned closer to me and looked into my eyes again. It was always the same thing. He looked at me and i was weak at the knees. I couldn't help but forgive him. The rain suddenly became hard and relentless, soaking me right down to the bone. Then our lips met.
The phone was ringing again. It must have been the third time in the past half hour. I didn't feel like getting up and getting it. It was Ron, obviously, but there was no point in getting up and answering. He would probably just call again in 10 minutes. I'd get it then. The ring stopped suddenly. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was just that I didn't love him as much as I had loved-
"Hello," I heard my mother say. Shit! I yelled in my head. Shit, shit, shit. Now I would have to talk to Ron, there was no way to escape. "Aw honey, that's so sweet. I wish I had a son like you. Hold on one second, I'll get her on the phone."
I fell back on my bed, waiting for the door to open. The footsteps came and inevitably, the door swung open. "Its Ronald," my mother mouthed. She handed me the phone. I took a deep breath and said, "Hello."
"Hey honey," he said. Honey? Why was he calling me honey? Only my mother ever called me that. "I was wondering if I could come down and see you. Its been a horrible Christmas break without you."
It was so like him. He always wanted to be around me. He was the perfect boyfriend. It was so aggravating! I looked at my options. If I said yes, I would be trapped with Ron for two hours with wonderfully painful memories flooding my mind or if I said no, feelings would get hurt. Either way, I was doomed. "Um… sure. Hold on- isn't Harry with you?" YES, a plan! This way I wouldn't have to be alone and no one would be sad.
"Yea, but I was thinking that maybe we could just spend some time, alone. We haven't been together in such a long tome." Fuck, now I had no way out of it.
"When do you want to come?" I asked. It was like planning my funeral. Why did I keep forcing myself through this ordeal? Oh yea, because I was a nice person and I didn't want to hurt anyone.
"Tonight. We'll go out for dinner and a movie. Whatever you want. Be there at 7, sweetie. I love you." the phone didn't click like I expected it to.
"Love you, too," I lied. And then the phone clicked. My dad ran into the room.
"Was that Ronald?" he asked, red-faced. I nodded, "Damn it. I needed to talk to him. He was saying something the other day when he was here about Tooth-Flossing String Mints. Sounded like such a great idea and it would really help out the business. Oh well, I guess I'll ask him when he comes around again. He is such a great guy. You're so lucky to be together.." He left me alone with my thoughts.
I went to my closet and grabbed the ugliest dress I saw. I darkened my eyes with as much eyeliner as I could possibly use and put on the worst shade of orange lipstick. I looked like a clown who had lost his way to the circus. But so what, he would say I looked beautiful. He would do the nice thing and keep the truth away from me. He would say only the things I wanted to hear. He would tell me how great I was. He would never do anything to hurt me. Yup, I was just sooo lucky.
Flashback: "Do you want to dance?" he asked one night. We were on the edge of the lake, staring at the stars, talking, curled up into each other. Our bodies were one, breathing on the same beat, the rhythms of our hearts made their own beautiful melody. I propped myself onto my elbow and stared into his beautiful eyes. "That's random and very cliche. Why?" "I've never danced with you. I just realized that," he said, blushing softly. It was true, we really hadn't ever danced together. "I can't dance," I said. I saw the smile break out across his face and felt a smile deep down in my own heart. He stood up and brushed his pants off. He extended an arm to me to pick me up. "I said I can't dance. There's no possible way you can get me to-" He bent down and lifted me effortlessly off the ground and to my feet. "It'll be fine. Just follow my lead." I just stared at him. I was unbelievably uncoordinated and would probably just fall flat on my face. "Is this some kind of sick joke?" I asked. He just smiled wider. He took one of my hands and placed it on his shoulder. He put his hand on my waist and pulled me closer to him. Our free hands were locked together. "Nope. Just follow me." We set off silently, to the music of our bodies with the moon being our own personal spotlight. We just stared into each others eyes and shifted from side to side. This position seemed uncomfortable, even though I really was having fun. I moved my hands around his neck so that I could get closer. I felt his hands wrap around my waist. He pulled me closer and I buried my head in his chest. He smelled like the earth after it had just rained. I loved him. "I love you," he said, before I could even bring the words to my own lips. "I love you more," I said, not entirely sure that could be possible. "I don't think so." He kissed me making me know that I was wrong. Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. It was the mantra I was saying in my mind as our lips moved together. I was trying to remember how to breathe. He pulled away slowly and unwillingly, his breathes ragged and uneven. He looked in my eyes and all I could see was lust. Strangely enough, that was all I felt too. He kissed me harder, locking his arms around me, locking me to him. I never felt this way before, scared but brave, comfortable but restless. My heart was beating unbelievably fast. I felt his body press against mine and I leapt into the air. Our lips stayed together but my legs locked around his waist. His arms kept me there for a split second but the force and spontaneity of it knocked both of to the ground, him over me. "Haha, what was that?" he said as we landed on the blanket. His lips trailed from my lips downward to my throat and then lower. I couldn't answer. I felt so happy, so in love. Whatever he was doing was right. Just like when we were dancing, he was the one leading. My stomach was clenched with anxiety and excitement. Our breaths were fast and rough. It didn't take long but before I knew it, my pants, shirt and virginity had vanished. I was so happy that we had come together. I had finally figured out where I belonged. But then I realized something. Something bad. If someone ever found out, it could never be like this again. I felt my heart break and tears cascade down my cheeks. How was it possible to fell all this at the same time? They got lost in the heat coming from our bodies but then he stopped what he was doing. "Hermione?" he asked softly, resting next to me rather than on top of me, "I'm sorry if that hurt. I didn't know you were a virgin." I sobbed, "Its not that. Its just that-" I took a deep breath- "We can never be like this again. If anyone ever found out, if anyone ever knew. Do you have any idea what would happen." There was a soft silence. "I don't care. I wouldn't care if the world knew. I would still love you. I would kiss you in front of them and tell them that they were missing out." I smiled, "Really?" I snuggled closer to him, remembering why I was always so comfortable here. "Really. If my dad found out, I would take you with me and show him that he was right. I love you, Hermione, and nothing can ever change that. Ever." "I hate you," I joked taking in his beautifully earthy smell. "I hate you, too," he kissed me again and both of us giggled against each other. He rolled me on top of him and we did it all over again.
We stood on my front porch. I was fidgeting with a watch, trying not to look at Ron's eyes. I knew he was going to kiss me. I had been trying to hold this moment off for almost a month now but now I was going to have to give in.
"I had a good evening," I lied. The evening had been a disaster. He had talked to himself the entire time and I had kept my eyes down nodding and smiling here and there.
"Me too," he said. He took a step closer. He smelled like soap and deodorant, artificial, "I'm really glad we're together. You have no idea how long I've liked you. Since Second Year maybe even before. I guess all the stuff we've been through together makes it like that. I really love you."
He took another step closer. He leaned down and kissed me. Nothing happened. No sparks flew. No magic. It was just a kiss. All the memories came floating back. Him under me, me under him, kisses in the rain, fighting, yelling, hurting, loving.
"Wow," Ron said stepping away. I smiled a little for his sake, against everything, "I've been wanting to do for such a long time. Well, good night then." He stayed there, though, waiting for me to say something, waiting for me to make the next move.
"Good night, Ron," I whispered. "I really did have a good time." I leaned forward just a bit and Ron came closer to me. Our lips met again, but where there should have been fireworks, there was nothing whatsoever. I felt tears spring to my eyes.
Why couldn't I feel anything? Why was a I such a blob? Why was I so numb? I wanted fireworks. I wanted to love Ron. I wanted to laugh at his jokes. I wanted to want to stay in his arms and kiss him until the sun came up. But I didn't. I couldn't make myself. I couldn't feel anymore.
"Good night," he said. I nodded because if I opened my mouth, tears would fall out of my eyes. He walked off the porch and to the middle of the lawn where he Disapparated. I stared at the spot where he had vanished from for a good minute. Then, I threw open the door, ran up to my room and cried my heart out.
Flashback: I sat on a boulder the edge of the lake, my arms wrapped around my knees in fetal position. Wind whipped across my face making my bushy hair fly around me. I heard footsteps come up behind me. Even in the dark, I could see his reflection in the water. "I don't want to talk," I said, turning my head away. He sat down beside me and put his feet into the water. "Me neither," he said. He stared off into the distance. We were like that for a long time, separate from each other, not talking, not looking, not feeling. I could only feel the wind, hear our breathing. "So?" he said, making my blood pressure rise. "'So?' What 'so?' So is this: she knows. Everybody knows. I can tell. They're all whispering about it behind our backs, thinking we don't know. Well I do know. I know that they know about us." I was yelling now and I didn't know why. I knew was getting paranoid, but it was the truth. Every time someone whispered, it was about me and him. I could just tell. The secret was getting to heavy to bear. "Hermione, you're overreacting. No one knows. I didn't tell a soul," he said. He put a hand on my cheek to cool me down. I pushed it away. He was lying. If he didn't tell anyone and I didn't tell anyone, how did everyone find out. "Hermione, I swear, I didn't tell anyone. She said we could have made a cute couple, not that we were. Calm down." For some reason this made me angrier. Didn't he get it. Just the fact that someone might have known was enough to rip us apart. I didn't want to leave him, I needed him- especially now. I had a secret, a huge secret that involved him and without him in my life, I would die. And if anyone knew, we would both die. "I'm pregnant." I said, my voice cracked. The words hung in the air between us like a curtain. Against all reason and all logic, he smiled wide. It was like he was the happiest man in the entire world. "Oh my goodness. This is great! A baby! Hermione, why didn't you tell me sooner?" I glared at him. "How can you possibly be happy? Do you have any idea what this means! It means that we have to stay together and now that everyone knows that just isn't possible. How-" I was at a loss of words. "Hermione, nobody knows and I wouldn't care if they did. The only thing this baby changes is that now I love you even more. We have to stay together, you're right, but I am going to do it happily. I told you, I don't care if the entire world knows." He was lying. How could anybody say that? It was the biggest lie in the whole world. He was just saying that now but in 10 minutes, he would vanish, making me fend for myself in this cruel, cruel world. "Liar," I said through my teeth, "I don't believe you. How can you even say that! If the world knew about us, we would be dead. DEAD! No one ever loved anyone that much." He was on his feet now, leaning over me. One hand was on my shoulder, the other on my cheek, "I love you like that." "No you don't," I said, shoving him away. I could see the hurt fill his eyes. A part of me broke too, but I couldn't stop myself. "No one could ever love anyone like that. I know you'll just turn your back on me. I know you'll just disappear." "I would never-" he started, sadness and disbelief in every one of his syllables. "Yes you would. All purebloods are the same: selfish, big-headed, assholes," I said. I had told him this before, but now I meant it. I was breaking inside but the words were just pouring out of my mouth. "Where did you get the idea that I would leave you. I would never go. I will stay at your side no matter what. Forever," he yelled back at me. "Save me the pity. Just leave me now," I said. A clean break was better. I forced myself to look into his eyes. What I saw, I will never forget. A broken man, a storm, a hurt that was incomprehensible. I had really hurt him, I had killed him with my words. I saw a tears in his eyes- something that I had never seen before in my life. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to hold him in my arms and repair his wounds but the words that left my mouth were: "I hate you." Half of me wished that he would yell it back at me, come over and drug me with kisses like he used to. I wanted him to slap some sense into me, make me snap out of this unreal state. I wanted him to wake me up from this nightmare. My heart was beating fast with anticipation. I felt like the world was falling apart at the seams. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I wanted to collapse and I wanted to run into his arms. I didn't know what to do. I had never felt so much in my whole life. So, I just stood there. He looked at me, quietly, sadly. Then he stepped forward and kissed my forehead. It burned with pleasure where his lips touched me. I knew that i was being stupid and that we would get back to the way we were. But then he stepped back and I realized that I had lost him in my own selfishness and paranoia. I opened my mouth to apologize, to say something to bring him back but he covered it with his hand. "I love you," he whispered. And then he was gone.a
"You know what Lavender Brown said today?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. The silence was getting unbearable, "She said that we ' would make such a cute couple'"