It was too warm to be indoors, Shin decided; so Sai had followed his brother into the afternoon heat, ignoring the prickling sensation as the sun painted his body in its colour. The sun itself was starting to fall from its peak, increasing the shadows of everything outside. Sai often wondered about his brother's fascination with everything 'outside'. 'Inside' was safer - was the house that secured their health. A house was a home, therefore inside was home. Outside was not. Outside would not protect them and would not train them – but inside would not captivate Shin's curiosity, would not make his face change expression. Outside broke the rules, the foundation of Sai's existence and understanding. Rules were not mean to be broken – that was dangerous and incomprehensible. Outside was wrong, and overwhelmed Sai with just how warped it was. Outside's rules were not found in books or made logical, routine sense. Sai would often find himself explaining this to Shin, trying to get his brother to understand how only inside made sense. Shin would only patiently smile, trying to gently coax Sai back into the outside world – where they both belonged.
"You see," Shin sighed, his soft smile turning wry "That's the root of your problems."
Sai didn't understand why Shin laughed, didn't pick up on its bitter tone or the waver of his smile. Instead he watched his brother; wondering why even though Shin was right next to him, they were so far apart.
Sai learnt facial expression at a slow pace. He could tell when Shin was happy and worried, but sometimes it would start to blur and he wouldn't be able to recall the name of it. He would be forced to rely on instincts, instead of the basic descriptions he had memorized.
"You won't sustain eye contact," Sai pointed out, trying to work out Shin's face and emotions. He wanted to understand his brother, but he didn't know how. Shin would constantly stand with a wide smile and confidence, while Sai fumbled for words and explanations about things that just could not be described.
"Why won't I?" Shin replied evenly, sending Sai into an internal panic – or as much as a panic Sai could slip into. Because Sai couldn't live in Shin's world, Sai couldn't read Shin's emotions and Sai couldn't reach his brothers expectations and hopes for him. Shin was wasting time on Sai, and that very thought always caught his breath, the world always closing in on him. He had to rub at his chest, unable to understand his emotions controlled his pain. This was always a bad sign to Shin – just how far gone was his brother? Was pushing Sai back into his world the right thing to do? He didn't want to force Sai to the extreme where he couldn't cope with it. With moments like this, Shin would always end up frustrated with himself, with Danzō and sometimes with Sai. They would sit in an uncomfortable silence – Shin's thoughts racing while Sai slowly picked through his own. Usually - Shin would calm down and let guilt take control as he would try to make it up to his brother. Shin set about doing just that as he turned around, only to find Sai frowning at the ground.
Sai hadn't been watching him – Shin was sure of that. This meant the boy couldn't have been mimicking his expression. Shin had, inadvertently, influenced Sai into forming an expression. The sight was astounding, more captivating than the 'outside' he cherished so much, would ever be. He reached forward, marking the point where Sai's left eyebrow tensed. The boy flinched underneath his touch, stilling his body completely.
"You frowned," Shin breathed out.
"I was... confused"
"You were confused" Shin smiled tenderly, drawing his hand away from the confused boy.
Shin could watch Sai paint for hours. Beforehand, he had always found painting tedious, only touching paper when he needed to write - or often he would amuse Sai with paper cranes and paper roses. His attention span just didn't care for labouring over a canvas while he could be doing so many other things. But Sai's talent for ink had been brought up numerous times and Shin had found himself pestering his brother to show him this talent. If art was meant to be a way of expressing, then maybe Shin could reach him that way. Sai had been reluctant about agreeing; he was uncomfortable with the praise and was much happier to sink into the background.
"Paint for me, you haven't painted for me once," Shin had whined, playfully pulling at Sai until the boy had relented.
"It's nothing special..." Sai warned as he painted. He took care and precision in his movements, but every so often straying out of the lines and letting colours run. Shin watched with fascination, absorbing this new side of Sai. He had been instantly relaxed by his new found skill and Shin was half expecting him to burst into a smile. Sai looked almost content while he was focused on the task at hand.
"Why did you never show me before?"
"Show you?" Sai paused, taking his attention away from his painting and focusing it on Shin "There's not much to show, I'm just pushing ink around a page"
"It's stunning," His brother argued, not entirely talking about the painting. Sai didn't realize how well emotions suited him, how natural they looked on his face. Sai merely regarded Shin with confusion, before turning back to his painting.
"They're still trying to make me use it as a weapon" Shin wondered for a moment if that was resentment creeping into Sai's voice, but brushed the hope away with logical reasoning. Sai would never speak ill of root. He was just stating facts.
"You want to use it as a weapon?"
"I don't understand how I'm meant to use it as a weapon. Surely I'm better off stabbing them in the stomach instead of painting the forest on them."
"You never know," Shin chuckled "It could be effective."
"Ink should be used on paper, you're not meant to use it on people."
"Who decided that?" Shin asked, smiling internally as Sai didn't answer. "I guess you should go call Danzō-sama then" He mock sighed, running his finger around the top of the ink pots.
"Why should I do that?" Sai turned around, only to be met with Shin's finger making contact with his cheek. A streak of red was left on his skin and Shin thought the boy was going to freak out for once. Sai stared at his brother as he lifted a hand up to feel the ink. With a speed Shin almost missed, Sai grabbed his brush and replicated his own line perfectly onto his brothers. Shin blinked with confusion as he felt the wet streak on his face.
"You broke the rules" he grinned, wiping his finger across Sai's forehead and laughing as the boy merely stared again.
"You're always breaking the rules" Sai pointed out, stabbing his brother with the tip of the brush before returning to his painting.
"You gonna tell on me?" Shin teased.
"I wouldn't be allowed to see you if I did," Sai replied "and you told me – brothers don't tell on each other."
When it rained, Shin still dragged his younger brother outside. He wanted Sai to experience everything, anything that would trigger Sai into the real world. The world where people felt emotions and learnt through experience. This foreign concept was 'outside' to Sai. Anything that rocked the rules of 'inside' – of root and its manuals- Sai would associate with 'outside' but to Shin, it was as natural as breathing; it was beauty and it was home. He has always been too strong-wiled and self-assured for root - too absorbed in living that they couldn't stop him long enough to turn him into a blank canvas.
He knew Danzō was suspicious of him, and once he was finished recruiting, Danzō would do everything to break Shin – or have him done away with. He would realize Shin's grip on himself and order the grip to be loosened. As much as he disagreed with some of the man's methods, Shin respected the man enough not to underestimate his intelligence or knowledge. He would pair Shin against Sai, knowing Shin's emotions would be his downfall. What a cruel game they would play, Shin sighed bitterly, but Danzō had made the mistake of letting Shin get involved with Sai. The days spent silently training together, had led to Shin's determination of reversing Sai's brainwashing. The boy's original personality had left Shin smiling at the beginning, his small quirks amusing the older boy to no end. As Sai had settled into root's routines, Shin had watched from afar as Sai's colours had disappeared – worn away and broken.
"Watch this," Shin had ordered, waiting as the younger boy took a seat – watching his older brother intently "Pass me some coloured ink."
"What colour?"
"Any, how about picking one you like?"
"One," Sai paused, staring at the colours with confusion "I like?"
"That's the general idea," Shin laughed "And don't you dare touch that black – how many times do I have to tell you it doesn't count as a colour!"
Sai frowned at the inks. There wasn't a colour he liked more than the other; each one was made up of other colours anyway. There was a massive problem beyond the choosing of ink colours, beyond the fact his clothes where starting to stick to his body from the constant downpour.
"I'm not supposed to get water in the ink," He told Shin, repeating one of the numerous rules given to him in exchange, for what was affectively, his weapon.
"You're not supposed to be outside with me either," Shin retorted "I wonder why you've broken that rule?"
"You're dying" Sai stated, as evenly as he stated every fact. It was blunt and cruel - exactly how a perfect ninja should be. Sai had passed his first bout of training with the skill of a high levelled shinobi, a fact that made Shin proud to be called Sai's brother. It also depressed Shin, he had finally lost – there was no way he could pull back Sai now. What good was he going to be dead?
"I'm dying" Shin repeated, as cold and calm as his younger brother. What was the point of denying the inevitable? Of allowing himself to even hope for reassurance or empathy? How bitter he had become in his last moments. How much he wanted Sai to smile for him, live the life he was being drained of.
Sai shifted in his position, moving closer to Shin's bed. The young boy always looked so lost, his face never completely blank in Shin's opinion. He could always post the small twitches and frowns. When Sai's jaw would tighten and his eye would narrow - Shin would notice. Always. Even now, he could see the press of the younger boy's lips and the confusion lurking through his eyes.
"What does it feel like?" Sai spoke, sitting down on a chair next to his brother.
"It hurts," Shin sighed, wondering how to explain to an emotionless boy just was dying felt like. How could he explain desperation and the feeling of your body eating away at itself? There were so many thoughts and feelings that even Shin didn't know where to begin.
"Like a wound?"
"No," Shin paused, briefly wondering if Sai was asking Shin so he could use him as research – not because his brother was going to cease to exist. The thought sickened him – for more than one reason. He had sworn to believe in Sai no matter what. The drugs, he reassured himself, it's the drugs "Give me that book of yours"
Sai hesitated for a moment, before pulling the book from his side and passing it to Shin. He watched with a newly found sense of uneasiness as Shin worked his way through each page.
"It hurts," He began, finding a picture of himself he had drawn weeks earlier, and gently smiling at it. He pushed the nostalgia aside and ripped the top of the page slowly. He was going crazy to do something like this - the book was the only way Sai would remember him, and he was tearing pages out of it "It hurts like this."
Sai watched with morbid fascination as Shin ripped the paper – communicating what their bodies could not.
"Stop it"
"I can't, it's happening all the time" Shin slowed down his actions as he reached the bottom of the page – suddenly ripping the page out in one motion.
"Stop," Sai commanded, and they both knew he meant more than the paper. Shin only smiled up at the boy, letting desperation take over as he allowed tears to blur his vision.
"Please stop" Sai asked instead, reaching out for Shin's face without hesitation. The older boy held his breath as Sai traced the trail of his tears – the same action Shin had used on Sai when he had last cried, so long ago. Sai's hands were always warm, a contradiction to the person he was inevitably going to become.
"I love you" he laughed hollowly, the sudden movement causing his tears to catch in his lashes, making everything blurred. Everything Sai.