Author's Note: I came up with a really stupid joke at like 2 am and I had to get this out of me.
The week had not been kind to Weiss Schnee. Ruby had slammed into her at full speed on Monday as she'd turned the corner. The color in her cheeks could only partly be attributed to embarrassment at being pressed flush against her partner's warm, panting body; it was mostly due to rage at the dropping and crumpling of her report for Oobleck's class. Tuesday was no better, as she'd missed out on coffee at breakfast and in her bleary stupor, had accidentally sat on Zwei. Like the lovable little sausage he was, Zwei only yelped and whimpered, thinking he was being punished for transgressions he had not committed. The damage to Weiss, though only mental, was substantial. She could never forgive herself, and only momentarily quenched her regret by hugging and kissing Zwei fiercely. And so the week progressed, minor incidents of unpleasant, inconvenient surprise keeping her nervously alert and constantly irritated.
But nothing could rile her up more than the incessant moaning and squealing of one Nora Valkyrie, muffled but just loud enough, nonstop, nonstop!
Every time Weiss passed by JNPR's room- which was daily- she'd hear the violent girl making a passionate racket, occasionally accompanied by the squeaking of a bedframe if she listened hard enough.
"Oh, Ren! Yes!"
"Nonononononnn...aahhnnn~"
"Oh goddd, go lower~"
Strangely enough, it didn't seem to bother her own teammates. They could all hear it, Weiss knew they could. How could they avoid it? They lived across the hall, no more than five feet away; it was unavoidable. But Yang paid no mind to it. In all likelihood, it was probably only because the brute could see how strongly it affected Weiss's nerves. Why tease the ginger now and end the noise, when she could tease the heiress indefinitely? The only time Yang gave any notice that she'd heard the noise was when she and Weiss would make eye contact during, at which point she'd wiggle her eyebrows suggestively. Ruby, of course, couldn't make heads or tails of it. Young as she was, she attributed the yelling to an ongoing pillowfight tournament between Nora and Ren. Any time it reached a fever pitch, Ruby cooed at the cute scene she pictured in her head of the two prancing among a flurry of feathers and laughing. It was the wrong scene, of course, but if Yang hadn't given her the talk, Weiss certainly wasn't going to be the one to do it. Most curiously of all, Blake Belladonna, the faunus with cute- but more importantly, highly perceptive- black cat ears seemed to revel in the sounds. Weiss had thought she'd be just as irritated as she herself was right now, but Blake had just kept reading her novels despite it. She actually seemed to read her novels even more when Nora would yell, eyes flying down the page, hungrily soaking up every word. More recently, Blake had taken to reading under the covers when it would happen, and would always emerge with cheeks flushed and hair a little disheveled.
Weiss frowned. It was nearing winter, after all. Maybe the girl was getting sick. She made a mental note to wash her hands more often, and maybe offer her teammate some medicine.
But it flustered and annoyed her to no end! She'd be studying calmly one second, and be hiding her blush with her head in her arms the next. She had to make a conscious effort to never look in Yang's general direction. Even through her most boisterous classical music, Nora's unladylike cries penetrated her ears. She couldn't think, she couldn't rest, and her extremities were probably freezing since all the blood had pretty much permanently left them and came to reside in her cheeks.
This and more ran through Weiss's ever-calculating head as she and her team strode through the halls to their dorm.
"...can't just do that. And where would you even build it?"
"In our room, of course! Where else?"
"Ruby, you're not building an instant cookie-making gun in our room."
"Well, we'll have to build it somewhere, Blake. I already ordered the supplies!"
"But why does it need to be weaponized?"
"And why do these schematics list me as the baking mechanism?"
"Would you rather I order a flame thrower instead, dear sister?"
"Well actually-"
"Yang, no." The implications of what her tiny team leader would do with a flamethrower were enough to make Blake finally look up from her book to stare pointedly at her partner. Not that the rest of the plan wasn't just as ludicrous. The blueprints in Yang's hands, expertly drawn up by weapon-master extraordinaire Ruby Rose, depicted a long pneumatic cannon on the leftmost end, aptly labeled, "Cookie Monster". Dough balls would be loaded and fired, and as the squishy round made its way through the air, a series of ingredients would be tossed up in front of it for it to take in. First it would punch through a cloud of baking soda, then salt, sugar, chocolate chips, and finally their "baking mechanism". When the proto-cookie reached Yang, she'd flex her semblance, baking the round to golden brown perfection before it landed in the baking glove/catcher's mitt positioned at the end.
At least in theory. Really, really stupid theory. Weiss had tuned out this conversation for a reason. She ran a hand through her frazzled hair, and prodded the bags under her eyes as her teammates continued on. The week's added stresses had obviously been taking their physical toll on her. But now, now was the weekend. And heaven help any unfortunate soul (aside from Zwei) who ticked her off any more.
"Come on, Blakey. Don't be a spoilsport." Yang nudged her shoulder with a pleading flutter of her eyelashes.
Blake's face remained impassive before returning to her book. "Don't enable arson," she shot back nonchalantly.
"Fine, we'll just do it on the rooftop. And if we can't get a flamethrower, can we at least get some air freshener and some Fire Dust-" The girl's silver eyes lit up with pyromaniac glee.
"Ruby, shut up." Weiss snapped. Ruby, Blake, and Yang hesitated; this was the first time Weiss had spoken since this morning.
"Weiss, come on-"
"No, I mean, shut up. All of you, be quiet." The four stood still, watching Weiss crane her neck and put a hand behind her ear.
"A-ah! Ren, wrong hole!"
Weiss's eyes widened, and her hand clenched into a trembling fist. This was the last straw, this was it! The entire week, nothing but… lewd acts! They could at least have the decency to keep it down a little, but no, they just had to keep going at it like rabbits! Rabbits with megaphones!
"That is it! I'm done! We-" Weiss grabbed her partner by the wrist and began striding angrily to the source of the exclamation. "-are going to put a stop to this- this hedonism! Even if we have to walk in on them, I don't care anymore! I just need one- just one- day, just the weekend, without that girl's-" Weiss made the mistake of looking back at Ruby. Over her sister's shoulder, Yang wiggled her eyebrows. The heiress spun back around with a frustrated noise, part scream, part growl.
Yang giggled and covertly pulled out her scroll, opening the camera app while she ran. This was going to be fun.
The four residents of JNPR's room jumped slightly when they heard the knocking at their door. This was not the polite knock of a visitor, but the enraged knock of someone wronged and seeking vengeance. Jaune glanced at Pyrrha, who shrugged as the knocking grow in frequency and intensity.
Ever the knight in shining armor, Jaune rushed to the door and turned the knob, saving the wooden frame from oblivion.
Jaune peeked through the small crack in the doorway he'd opened. "Y-yes?" Unfortunately, where a normal visitor might have responded with a statement of purpose or greeting, the steaming heiress on the other side responded with a shattering kick. Jaune went flying back onto his bed, accompanied by several shards of door. In an instant, JNPR was up on their feet, either reaching for their weapons or settling into a fighting stance, ready to beat back the menace that had invaded their home.
"NORA VALKYRIE IF YOU DO NOT CEASE YOUR OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD PROCREATION I WILL BE FORCED TO BRING GOODWITCH HERSELF DOWN HERE!"
The tiny Schnee's shrill roar gave the defenders pause. They took a moment to observe the unholy storm that had burst into their room. Before them stood Weiss Schnee, panting with rage, yet covering her eyes nonetheless. The irony in her simultaneous shame and shamelessness was somewhat lost in the shock. In the remains of the doorway leaned the rest of team RWBY. Yang had her phone out, already recording any potentially useful blackmail. Blake wrapped her arms around Ruby's head, effectively preventing her from hearing or seeing anything age-inappropriate. The two struggled briefly, Ruby to regain her senses, and Blake to restrain her teammate while hungrily scanning the room for anything similar to what she'd been imagining for the past week.
"Ack! Blake, get off of me- oh, ew Blake, that better not be drool on my head!"
Apart from Ruby's grunts of effort, the room remained silent for a long beat. Not a single person dared move or speak. Jaune looked like he was holding his breath, and Pyrrha as if she would faint.
"I… I think you may have made a mistake, Weiss." Ren raised his hands to make a calming gesture, and slowly sat back down on his bed.
Nora's eyes widened, lowering Magnhild slightly and joining Ren. "Procreation… you thought I was..." She blushed like a stoplight and turned away.
Weiss shakily raised an accusing finger at the girl, then at her partner, both of whom were fully clothed on their separate beds. "I… I… you…"
"We're… just playing Digbuild. It's a video game," Ren continued. The boy gestured to the four laptops, each one on their respective owner's bed. On all screens was a first-person view of a blocky cave, lit by blocky torches and blocky lava. "Jaune and Pyrrha and Nora and I, we're just playing a video game. Right, guys?" Jaune and Nora nodded fervently, and Pyrrha remained frozen.
"B-but the noises… a whole week…"
"You guys made Blake very happy." Yang piped up with a wink, still holding her scroll. Blake cuffed her in the head, but remained watchful.
Ren's brow furrowed briefly, before raising in understanding. "Oh… I- okay, yeah I can see how you guys might have thought that."
"So you weren't rocking her socks off?" Yang smirked.
"We're just digging and looking for ore, I swear. Nora caught me digging in the wrong place. Thank goodness for that too, I would have lost all my items in that lava pit."
"You're welcome, noob." Nora mumbled, still facing the wall.
"She's very into this game," Ren explained. "Seriously, I promise we weren't doing… that. Just the four of us, playing a game."
Weiss released a breath she'd been holding. "Then could you at least-"
Then Ren had the worst idea. His face grew into a sly smile, and he looked the girl right in the eye. "Though you were close."
The various expressions on team RWBY's faces all converged in confusion. Yang, still smirking, raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
"Well, it wasn't 'procreating', as you call it, at least not yet. It was mostly just… four-play."
Absolute quiet, for ten seconds straight. The rest of team JNPR glacially craned their necks to face Ren, expressions unreadable.
Yang's smirk fell into a shocked o. Then it grew into the widest, stupidest grin to ever grace her face. She shouldered her way past her stunned teammates and gave Ren the most passionate high-five he'd ever received, right before taking Weiss by her frozen arm and pulling her back into their own dorm, along with the rest of her stunned team.
Nora looked back from the door to Ren, an odd look on her face.
Ren merely sighed and returned her gaze. "I think that was the dumbest thing I've ever-"
Nora leapt off her bed and rushed to him, giving him an even more powerful high-five that Ren swore took off a chip of his Aura. "That was literally the coolest thing you've ever said."
Ren looked around at his teammates and heaved a sigh. "Let's just… try to forget that just happened and get back to where we were, okay?"
Jaune, Pyrrha, and Nora nodded in unnerved resignation and returned to excavating the blocky cave. A pleasant silence resumed for a short while. Jaune and Pyrrha explored the mineshaft they'd fallen into, and Ren and Nora attempted to dig their way around a pit of lava. But with a few lucky strokes, Nora's screen began to gleam light blue.
Nora began to bounce on her bed excitedly. "Ren! Ren! Down here!"
Jaune and Pyrrha froze again, their cheeks burning bright. Nora's exclamation- given their newfound context- was enough to give Ren pause (Weiss's words seemed to have gone in one of Nora's ears and out the other), but he pushed past it and continued as if normal. Ren's character descended to Nora's level, and looked around in awe. This was more than enough diamond ore to craft the armor they needed to kill the Wither, plus some extra for a nice pickaxe. "Nicely done, Nora. Jaune, Pyrrha, get down here. Nora found a ton of diamo-"
"Oh Ren, it's everywhere~!" Pleasure dripped from her voice and through the thin walls of the dorm.
Ren closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. Just across the hall, he could hear Yang beginning to cackle and the repeated thumping of an heiress's head on the wall.
Author's Note: honestly I have no excuse for not updating Mostly Friends, especially for leaving y'all on that cliffhanger. I'm just evil.
Anyways, leave me a review and let me know what you think etc etc
Bye