Disclaimer: The characters belong to Sunrise, and the Bible belongs to Gundam—I mean, God.
Note: Although mostly situated in the first season, there is also mention of A-Laws and Katharon, which belongs to the second season.
If you are a devout Christian, please press the back button.
If you are a devout Egyptian nationalist, please press the back button.
If you are an advocate for clean language, please press the back button.
But then, this is rated M, so stfu and read.
"It's time," Lockon Stratos said, pointing at the digital clock on the wall. "It's 3'o clock." The four Gundam Meisters were in a small room in the Ptolemaios, situated in a circle around their individual computer screens.
"For what?" Allelujah Heptism asked curiously.
"For our monthly meeting," said Lockon. "And this month's topic is…"
"The Bible," Tieria Erde finished.
"The Bible," Lockon echoed. He raised up the wrapped box he had been holding, and shook it. "Everyone take a lollipop. The people who did their homework can take two." Setsuna F. Seiei wordlessly picked out two chocolate-flavored lollipops.
"Hallelujah did mine," Allelujah said, picking out a cherry-flavored lollipop. He swept his hair in front of his left eye to reveal his yellow right eye.
"Unfortunately," Hallelujah said, scooping an apple-flavored lollipop out of the box. "Why do we even have these retarded meetings?"
"To promote education and camaraderie between us," Tieria snorted. "This is because of that woman, Sumeragi Li Noriega." Nevertheless, he whipped out his green pocketbook. "Which Book?"
"Why the Bible?" Setsuna interrupted.
"Because it spawned abominations…such as Twilight. And Seth Rogen," Lockon said, reading off of a list that slowly scrolled down on his monitor. "Through this lesson plan put together by Sumeragi, we will learn what is behind the evil of this world."
"Which Book?" Tieria pressed.
"Genesis," Hallelujah said, unwrapping his lollipop. "So basically, in the beginning God created every piece of shit that exists." He threw the wrapper at Tieria, who ignored him. "Including you. And that's it."
"Even I know there's more than that," said Lockon, rolling his eyes. "Go on."
"Alright fine," Hallelujah scowled, heaving a sigh. "He then created two little fuckers who had intercourse, had kids, and then died." Sucking on his lollipop, he observed the hologram screen in front of him with interest. "After a shitload of incest and another crappy Steve Carell movie, the greatest practice known to man was introduced." He grinned widely, revealing finely sharpened canines. "Circumcision."
"What's that?" Lockon inquired.
"You cut off your dick," Hallelujah cackled. In response, Lockon swiftly covered his crotch.
"No you don't," Tieria sniffed, rolling his lollipop around in his mouth with an irritating clacking sound. "You only remove the foreskin."
"Jewish lunatics," Lockon mumbled under his breath, wincing as he thought of it.
"Is the meeting over yet?" Setsuna suddenly asked, looking sullen.
"Not for another thirty minutes," Lockon said sternly, wagging his index finger at him.
"The only thing on right now is The Office, anyways," muttered Tieria. "And everyone knows how full of shit that is."
"Moving on," said Lockon. "It's your turn, Setsuna. You covered Exodus, right?"
"There is no God," Setsuna said impassively.
"No, no, Setsuna," Lockon said patiently, pointing at Setsuna's monitor. "Not God. Gundam."
("What the fuck?" Hallelujah muttered, scanning the screen showing the text of Exodus. Every 'God' had been replaced by the word 'Gundam'. "How'd he do that?"
"There is something called the 'find' and 'replace all' command, you fool," Tieria sneered.)
"Oh," Setsuna said, his eyes widening in his enlightenment. "Oh. Well…so there are these members of the Katharon…called Israelites. They were imprisoned in the A-Law colony of Egypt. But one of them, Moses, pilots a Gundam. He uses the GN particles to cut off Hellion reinforcements, and then eradicates the rest of the Pharaoh's fleet. And they all escape from the oppression of A-Laws because of Gundam."
"Er…" said Lockon, examining the text more closely. "Is that really what it says?"
"God—oh excuse me, Gundam, killed some Egyptian fuckers," Hallelujah shrugged.
"Same thing in the end really," Tieria agreed. Lockon looked uncomfortable, but chose not to press the issue.
"Gundam saves the Israelites," Setsuna said reverently, his lollipop hanging dangerously out of his open mouth. "Gundam brings justice to the evils of the world. Gundam leads us against—"
"Alright, next," Lockon interrupted. Tieria beckoned for the box, and receiving it, skeptically scanned the contents. After a few seconds, he picked the mystery flavor.
"I researched the book of Matthew," He finally said, adjusting his glasses. "And after extensive research, I discovered that Jesus Christ, the so-called son of a virgin, in actuality possessed a biological father."
"Gundam?" Setsuna suggested.
"No," Tieria said, and then paused dramatically. "Mary's brother."
"Incest?" Lockon said, eyes bulging in shock.
"What did I tell you?" Hallelujah said smugly, lithely throwing himself onto his La-Z-Boy.
"There was a strain of mental illnesses in that family…And according to DNA results, Jesus had a severe case of schizophrenia."
"The crucifixion?" Lockon protested. "The resurrection?"
"You know more than I thought you did," Tieria observed in surprise.
"If Gundam loved his son so much," Setsuna said, frowning, "Why did he kill him?"
"Because Jesus was a pain in the ass?" Hallelujah suggested.
"Because he wasn't his son," Tieria said exasperatedly, jabbing his lollipop in Setsuna's direction. "Which is my point."
"So if it wasn't magic," Hallelujah concluded, "Jesus must've used a body double." He narrowed his eyes. "That sneaky little fucker."
"Language!" Lockon finally admonished Hallelujah, glancing at Setsuna.
"Fools unbefitting of being Meisters," Tieria muttered, adjusting his glasses once more. "He eloped with a woman, of course."
"So the Da Vinci Code was right?" Lockon said in disgust.
"Hey, I loved Silas," Hallelujah protested. "He set an example for us all."
"Self-mutilation and overall emo-ness?" Lockon frowned. Hallelujah gestured pointedly at the black hair that covered half of his face.
"No, that book really was a preposterous sham of a bestseller," Tieria said, shaking his head. "But Jesus' genealogy is traceable."
"Where are you getting this info?" Lockon said skeptically. "Everyone knows internet security in the 21st century was negligible."
"Gundam!" Setsuna said suddenly.
"Veda," Tieria said haughtily, preening himself.
"Who was it traced to, then?" Lockon asked warily.
"It branched off after around 1052…but you'll be surprised to know who his infamous descendents were. Joseph Stalin…Omar al-Bashir…Stephanie Myers…I could go on," Tieria said, smirking. "But I won't." He pointed his lollipop at Lockon's stunned face. "Your turn."
Everyone turned to stare at Lockon.
"Er…I did Revelation," He confessed.
"Yes!" Hallelujah said, eyes glinting maniacally. "I loved Ben Affleck in Armageddon. Now that's a man I wouldn't mind licking chocolate off of."
"According to the book, at the end of the world, a lot of people die," said Lockon. "And from what I could gather, only celibates go to heaven."
"Screw heaven, I want sex," Hallelujah declared impassionately.
"Let me see that," Tieria demanded, and peered over Lockon's shoulder to scan his notes. " '…who did not defile themselves with women,' " He murmured. "Women only? I'm alright then."
"Gundam!" said Setsuna. "I am Gundam!"
"Anyways, a lot of monsters appear and eat people. Like Godzilla." With every word, Lockon's face became more dubious. "This is like…fanfiction."
"Fanfiction," Hallelujah echoed, shivering.
"Whoever wrote Revelation was not in a good mood," Tieria observed, finally popping his lollipop in his mouth. "Mm. Lemon."
"So my conclusion is….asexuals go to heaven, and everyone else goes to hell," Lockon declared.
"Sounds like hell's where all the fun happens," Hallelujah said, and then leered at Lockon. "So how big are you?"
"Big," Lockon replied automatically.
"Technically," Tieria stated in a disapproving tone, "Unless you're really below average, size doesn't matter. The deeper you go in, the less nerves there are."
"What?" Hallelujah said incredulously.
"We've been deceived," Lockon cried.
"Gundam!" said Setsuna.
And this is how the Gundam Meisters are educated. What, you thought they went to school?